Olympic games. [ cheers and applause ] which means in just two days people will go from knowing nothing about the olympics to saying, how the hell did he mess up a round off backhand spring . [ light laughter ] [ applause ] how do you know . I actually read that a north korean gymnast may be the first female gymnast ever to attempt an incredibly difficult move that involves a triple twisting vault. When asked if shes done it before she said, how do you think i escaped from north korea . [ laughter and applause ] you can tell this gymnast really is from north korea cause shes the only athlete to show up in rio and go, this is nice. [ laughter and applause ] and get this, i saw that the slogan for the 2016 rio olympics is live your passion. Good slogan. Its not the first one they came up with. They almost went with come for the competition, stay because youve been quarantined. [ laughter and applause ] and thats not as catchy. Steve not as catchy. Jimmy not as catchy as the other one. Yeah, the other ones steve the other ones more ryan lochte actually dyed his hair light blue for the rio summer olympics. He didnt do it on purpose. He just took a shower in rio and came out that way. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] this is pretty incredible. The youngest athlete competing at the rio olympics is a a 13yearold swimmer representing nepal. Shes the only olympian whose mom still puts sunscreen on her before she gets in the pool. [ laughter and applause ] let me do your face. Swimmer from nepal is the youngest athlete at the olympics. Although, that could change cause not all the chinese gymnasts have been born yet. [ laughter ] of course the other big competition going on right now is bachelor in paradise. Which premieres [ cheers and applause ] i love it. I dont know why. I love it, i love it. It premiered last night on abc. And one of the contestants is this guy daniel who was just on the last season of the bachelorette. Person in the world, but lets see if hes doing any better on this show. Cant get rid of me. Im like a disease that just wont go away, you know, like herpes or something. I dont know if i want to be associated with herpes, but you know, its treatable nowadays so its not a big deal, right . [ laughter ] steve what . Jimmy what is going on . In fairness, the name of that show probably should be herpes in paradise. [ laughter and applause ] who am i to sa but things seem like they might be going a little better for daniel once he actually met some of the women staying in the house. Check it out. I hope that we can have like a good talk and like see where it goes. How old are you . I am 25. 27. 23. 25. 21. No, you look like youre 21. I am 25. 21 . Yep. Jimmy 21 . 23 . 21 . Have i said herpes yet . This one guy who is never at a a loss for words and that is donald trump. It seems like he is fighting with everyone this week. On monday trump took a shot at the New York Times saying quote, they dont write good. [ laughter ] when told that was grammatically incorrect, trump said, excuse me. They dont write goodly. [ laughter and applause ] better. Better. Heres a Little Health news. I read that research from the little evidence that flossing is effective. When they heard that, most americans were like, oh, good, now i can finally stop flossing. I floss all the time. Finally, i thought this was pretty incredible. Apparently a zappos employee recently set the record for the companys longest Customer Service call which lasted for 10 hours and 43 minutes. The employees name was Steven Weinstein and he said well, they still never met in person until today. Thats right. We flew them both to new york to meet each other and we filmed the entire thing. It was just amazing. Take a look at what happened. Im excited. I am nervous. I dont know. This is crazy. . Theres no love like your love and no other could give more love . Here are your shoes. Thanks. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy beautiful. We have a great show, everybody. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, my goodness that is how you do it that is our pal, chad smith, of the Red Hot Chili Peppers [ cheers and applause ] sitting in with the roots. I love you i love you, buddy. Congrats on the new record. And the single dark necessities just became their 13th number one song, congratulations buddy. Thank you. Jimmy youre the best. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. Jimmy its a great record. Look at these guys. Still doing it up. Come on, just having fun. Thats what its all about. Produced by danger mouse, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy good stuff, man. Congratulations. Welcome back. Thank you. Jimmy dont ever leave. Okay. [ laughter ] jimmy thanks. I appreciate it, man. Guys, this has been a great week so far. Theres more ahead. Tomorrow night miles teller play a game of flip and slip. Steve flip and slip. Jimmy flip and slip. Plus steven tyler will be performing for us. [ cheers and applause ] then on friday, this is a a big right after the olympic opening ceremony, weve got an exciting show planned. He is one of our favorites, Jerry Seinfeld will be here steve whoa. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy plus plus seth rogen will be dropping by and seth rogen and i are going to have a lip sync battle. [ cheers and applause ] jason derulo. Steve hey jimmy its gonna be a big show friday. But first, we have a fun show tonight. This guy is the best. Hes the Emmy Award Nominated creator and star of the Netflix Series master of none aziz ansari is here. [ cheers and applause ] thats a great show. A fantastic show. Deserves all the awards. Later in the show, aziz and i are going to read some embarrassing first text message exchanges, in something we call, first textual experience. Plus from the new showtime series roadies, the lovely carla gugino is stopping by. Carla gugino. And we have great standup from a comedian. Jeff dye is here tonight. Hes very funny. [ cheers and applause ] very funny human. Guys, one of my favorite things about the internet is going on youtube and discovering something totally new, something ive never seen before. Theres so much creativity out there. Thats why we wanted to find a a way to showcase some of the think that you should know about. So, tonight we have a video from Youtube Channel called you suck at cooking. [ laughter ] have you seen them yet . Its an instructional cooking video. Theyre really funny. Now we think its really funny. So please enjoy the World Premiere of 10 more ways to chop an onion. In the first installment of, tonight show youtube premiere. [ cheers and applause ] . Tonight show youtube premiere . Yeah you totally suck . The first method involves hitting your onion firmly with your knife around the outside to loosen up the insides. Then slice it open. Its not perfect but itll get you most of the way there. If you have a balsa wood cutting board, its not very dense so you can place your onion underneath it then push until it comes through. And dont forget to clean up the onion skin after. If you have any professional wrestling experience you can drop a flying elbow from the top rope. This method is called the its just like playing a piano, except it sounds better than when you play piano. You can also do the wolverine. You can hack the onion apart. You just need a computer, a a standard rca cable, bypass the main frame and access granted. You can sneak up behind him it and scare it. Roar [ light laughter ] its okay. Its just me. . You suck at cooking oh, my gosh you suck . Frame. To see more of this videos check out the Youtube Channel, you suck at cooking. [ cheers and applause ] stick around. Well be right back with aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] . Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Its a golden opportunity, to discover the power of the human hand. . For a limited time get some of the best offers of the year on our most refined vehicles. At the lexus golden opportunity sales event. . Jimmy our first guest is a a hilarious comedian, the author of the New York Times bestseller modern romance and the Emmy Award Nominated creator and star of the Netflix Series master of none. The first season is available ladies and gentlemen, please welcome aziz ansari . [ cheers and applause ] do you feel the love . Aw, theyre so nice. Thank you, thank you very much. Jimmy theyre giving it up for you. Absolutely. Thank you, thank you. Jimmy we love having you here. You look sharp as always. Thanks. Jimmy last time you were here we did a bit where you played bobby jindal. Do you remember this . I do, yeah. Jimmy republican, he was maybe running for president. Yeah. He was trying to run for president. And it didnt work out. Now that, what is the guy, the orangefaced monster is running. Jimmy i think donald trump is his name. Yeah, i forget. Its a very riveting election. Its like watching wwe wrestling. Theres feuds and stuff. Right now its him and the kahn family. Jimmy yeah. Oh, my god, they are destroying him jimmy yeah. [ cheers ] the kahn family is the drake to Donald Trumps meek mill. Jimmy i didnt see it that way, yeah. I mean, its crazy. The guy makes the speech like, let me give you a copy jimmy pulled one out of his pocket. Yeah, then trump is like, why doesnt your wife say anything . Then the guy goes, you have a a black soul. Which is the coldest [ bleep ] ive ever heard. [ light laughter ] ive never heard anyone say that. I heard that was going to be a a line and 2pacs hit em up. And he was like, nah, nah its too mean, we cant go there. Its too much. [ laughter ] jimmy you have a black soul. You dont want to say that. Pal, congrats on the emmy nominations. I think youre going to win, buddy. I really have a good feeling. And i hope you do because it is a fantastic show. Thank you very much. Jimmy master of none. [ cheers and applause ] it is great. It made me laugh. It made me think. Uh, it made me cry. Oh, wow. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Are you sure you were watching my show and not naked in and afraid . Jimmy thats what i was watching. I like that one. Thats a good show. So many things where im jimmy oh my god, thats how you know a show is good, when you try to relate the thing. Thank you. But, when youre trying to find a place to eat and it takes you four hours to find the place . Every day, yeah. Every day. Jimmy there are so many bits. Who is your costar again . Your girlfriend in it . Noel wells. She is incredible. Jimmy she is fantastic. Its just a great relationship. Eric wareheim. I dont know, i just love it. Aw, thanks. Were working on season two now. Very excited about it. [ cheers and applause ] jim its a lot of work. It is. Jimmy their tricky shows. There is a beginning, middle and end and its all happening in different segments, so its a tricky show. Congrats, man. Yeah, thank you. Jimmy what you got nominated for you, or comedy series, you personally, and for acting, writing and directing . Yep. Jimmy come on, not bad. Not bad, yes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and you know what im going to say, your dad. Yep. Jimmy your dad plays your dad in the show. Your real dad. Yeah. Yeah, hes really good in the show. Hed never acted before. And you know, when the show came out, like he was getting some good reviews. In reviews they like said, oh, hes really great. And so when the emmy stuff was coming up, i was talking to people at netflix. And i was like, hey like what if we push for my dad to get an emmy for like supporting actor . Theyre like, [ bleep ] it, why not . And they like really went for it and got him a billboard in l. A. Jimmy this is true, i have a photo of this is a real billboard. To be clear, that is my dad. And [ cheers and applause ] jimmy that is great. They really did it. Jimmy yeah, i mean. Those are legit quotes from the los angeles times, a breakout star. New york times, a Scene Stealer. And it actually worked. Like there were articles started coming out where they this was in the hollywood reporter. Frontrunner. Doctor shoukath ansari. Alond with like larry david and louis c. K. Jimmy legit. Meanwhile, you go to like long shots and they have the long shot section, its like sorry, fred armisen. Too bad john stamos. Looks like this gastroenterologist from North Carolina is actually a a frontruer jimmy he is great. Does he love all the fame and people recognizing him . Oh, yeah. He loves it. My mom hates it. Jimmy shes not into it. Shes not into it. She is already like, oh in season two say my characters gone on vacation. Like im not doing anything else. My dad is like, i have some ideas. And he didnt get nominated, but its still cool he got all these writeups and stuff. Us to the emmys. And i texted them, like hey you guys are gonna come to the emmys. My mom is like, oh, thats great, im very excited. And like ten minutes later my dad texted me three photos of Bradley Cooper in different tuxedos. Like which one of these do you think would be nice for me . [ laughter ] jimmy hes gone hollywood. Hes gone hollywood. Who is going to style me . Jimmy you created a a monster. You just went to the white house. You got invited to a dinner over there . Yes, so i got invited to the white house does these dinners called the state dinners. And they had one it was for the nordic region. There was like some big dignitaries were coming from like sweden and stuff. And you know, when you get invited to these dinners, they have you know a lot of political people, people from you know, different fields science, government, or whatever. And also some like people that are in our world. And usually you have some sort of connection. Like will ferrell was there, his wife is from sweden. Jimmy yep. And i got invited because jimmy i didnt know that at all. I think they invited me to like an indian one and i was out of town or something. So their like oh, yeah, just come to the swedish one. Jimmy youve been to an ikea right . Come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so i brought my mom to this. And we had such a great time. And its cool because you go to one of these fancy parties and normally you see, like oh, theres a different celebrity whatever. This is, oh [ bleep ], theres john kerry. And then like we saw, oh, theres john kerry. I dont want to say anything to him. What am i going to say to him . My mom saw joe biden, shes like oh, my god, its the Vice President. I was like, well you know he was actually on parks and rec. Like we can go say hello. And so we get in like this queue of people thats waiting to say hi to joe biden. And you know, everyones being cool. Just like oh, hello, mr. Vice president , shaking hands and kind of moving on, cause you know their wrapping this dinner up or whatever. And this one lady is like, taking her sweet time. Going. And then at a certain point it seemed like she was winding down. All right great, well get to say hello. And then she pulls out her cell phone and goes, hey, mr. Vice president , could you call my friend and just say hi . It will freak him out. And then joe biden goes, sure, why not . Why not . One, youve got two nice indian people waiting to meet you [ light laughter ] two, why are you wasting your time doing that . Thats crazy. You cant just do that. Jimmy youre the Vice President of the united states. People ask People Like Us to do that, and we never do it. D call your friend. Youre like no, ive got things to do. Jimmy youre the Vice President. Joe bidens like, why not . Ive got nothing else going on. Hey its me joe biden are you freaking out . [ laughter and applause ] it was fine. It was fine. It will be fine. Like he called the person and then he spoke with me and my mom for a while. It was very nice. And then we all went out back, jimmy thats not what happened. You never did that. Yeah. Jimmy i want to show everyone a clip of master of none. Here is aziz and his dad in season one. Available now on netflix. Take a look at this. I mean whoever youre dating now this day could be who you end up with. Its a big decision. Its hard. Youre half full. You are so indecisive. When you are a kid, you said dad, can i play soccer, can i play tennis, can i play basketball . Me, im so decisive, i play golf, i chose your mom. We got married right away. No problem. Yeah, but thats totally different. It was an arranged marriage. How many women did you meet before you decided on mom. Two. Two thats it . What was wrong with the first lady . Shes a little bit too tall. I told my sister that i was like, oh, no. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Scene Stealer more with aziz when we come back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] lets feed him to the sharks squuuuack, lets feed him to the sharks yay and take all of his gold and take all of his gold ya and hide it from the crew ya. . Squuuuack, theyre all morons anyway i never said that. They all smell bad too. No you all smell wonderful you repeat things. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Squuuuack, its what you do. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible m things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. . . . . . . Introducing the firstever cadillac ct6. You should know that all these texts are 100 real. Aziz, why dont you start this one off, and then ill do the response. All right. I just wanted to say that i had a great time tonight. And i that i know i might be jumping the gun, but i felt a a connection with you that i havent felt in a long time. Youre a really sweet girl. I think i can see myself falling for you. Id be lying if i wasnt already falling for you. Smiley face. I cant wait to see what the future has in store for us. Jimmy no. [ laughter ] that is cold. That is cold. All right. That was rough. Jimmy that was rough, yeah. Happy 4th.