Transcripts For WISN Jimmy Kimmel Live 20160811 : vimarsana.

WISN Jimmy Kimmel Live August 11, 2016

On the eve of the Olympic Games thom rioe janeo where re hours away froe opening ceremony. Its always very fe cing to see the athletes from all the countries together holding their flags. Our American Team will wearunifor designed by ralph lauren. Are these e uniforms tre to bgoing ing on the field. As you see, theyre teible. Looks like an a pella oup a fourth of jul performance on a wrf somewher look like vilw las sh autampirereschool studtsls ear inouoppo like a blaz a wte pants. By the way, number one reasoi could never be an olympic athlete. I would spl ketcp on those pantimmediately. All right. Mathats not the number on for sure. It isn the top 20 you know, there have been major electricalnd plumbing issues in rio. One athlete from kenya wrote please fix my toilet on a buetin board in the olympic lives ins cng ya abou your plumbing, i think thats what they refer to as a wakeup call. [ laught ]nitation is a big pro tholympic village is giving away thousands of condfor the athletes to wear over their heads for the swimming events. [ laughter ] of course the zika virus is also a mar concern. Especially for women. Hope solo, whos the goalie for s. Wens soccer te, posted thi not only is it the worst tinder oto ever, it made the brazilian fans very angry to the pointhat whenever she had the ball yesterday during the thening game against new zealand fans reacted like this. [ boos ] [ chanting zika ] jimmy theyre chanting the name of a virus at a woman. This is going to be some tokyo. And the Olympic Committee ju added some new events. Yesterday the ioc approv rock climbing, skateboarding, surfing and kate, which i wish they would combine some of these because i would definitely watch surfing karate. [ laughter ] surfing and skateboarding will maistory for the olympicin 2020n thathese will be the first sports in which athletes will be tested to make sure they e dopi. [ laughter ] see, guillermo, because a lot i understand. Jimmy i want to wish a happy birthday to president obama, who turned 55 today. [ cheersppla a ae ] big cebratioat the white house. The white house staff sang to him. Then the president blew out the candles on his vegan whole grain carrot prune loaf. [ laughter ] actually, not true. Michelle got him a fudgie the kale. Thats what you call meeting someone halfway. [ laughter ] Vice President biden tweeted this message today. And you see he had a photograph of some friendship bracelets. [ laughter ] looks like somebodys having a great time at the ymca day camp this summer. [ laughter ] donald trump also offered birthday wishes on twitter this week. He wrote president obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the united states. Its sweet, though, because he said perhaps and he wouldnt do that on any other day. [ laughter ] you know, if trump becomes president , hes definitely going to make his birthday a national holiday, right . And you are out. [ laughter ] meanwhile, Hillary Clinton has announced that she and tim kaine are coming out with a book it this fall. Theyre cowriting a book. 256 pages of their policy proposals. Which she ally knows how to excite vots, doesnt she . [ laught ] i mean, it will be a real page turner. Last night on our show i shared a video of a prank Britney Spears pulled on me. She conspired with my wife to get into my house and ambush me with a bunch of seminude male dancers in the middle of the im pleased to say that that incident contributed mightily to our Headline News segue of the day. Jimmy kimmel woke up to find Britney Spears doing a dance party in his bedroom. Ha ha law im sure it was all a dream. First, though, lets get into the headlines. Money to fht zika could run out. . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy great. Im honored. That is a dream come true. Meanwhile, our friends in north korea are said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next ten years north korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. And by that they mean theyre looking for someone who can photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon. [ laughter ] you know, they say they want to plant a flag on the moon. They didnt specify which flag. I hope its the mexican flag. I feel like that would be that would show a fun side of [ laughter ] any of you planning to see suicide squad, the movie . [ cheers and applause ] it is, if you dont its one of the last big summer blockbusters. So we asked our chief film critic to review it for us. His name is yehya and here he is talking about the movie suicide squad. Hi, its me, yehya. I talk about the new movie, summer movie, that the movie xx. Will smith, hes in and he get out of jail. Will smith is good actor. Will smith, all his movie good. I love him and hes nice guy. I got two, three picture with this guy. And he did the movie bad boy and he did the movie also lacol west, west something. And the boy whats his name with the red hair. Hes also joker in that movie, this boy. Im not going to kill you. And hes like a jokeroo jack knuckle something. The lady, her name maserati. She drink coffee. You know, in jail with the book. You know what she look like with the underwear, with the hair like britney spear. Danny devito is in that movie too. Danny devito is funny guy. Hes in the movie with mic douglas, kill my mom, i kill your wife. The movie is called is suicide squed. That exactly, that the movie. I love this guy. Will smith, donny devito, maserati, britney spear, everybody in that movie. Action and action and action. Go watch the movie. Good luck. [ cheers and applause ] thats why hes known as the ebert of egypt. [ laughter ] one more thing. Before we forward you, its thursday night which means its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. [ cheers and applause ] clsea [ bleep ] ivanka and ivanka [ bleep ] chelsea. I wish they didnt [ bleep ] each other but they do. I think that was the biggest [ bleep ] that ive had in my [ bleep ] in a really long time. One of the hard things about being the vp nominee is they make you [ bleep ] mark cuban. My family adores you. My future longs for you. My [ bleep ] yearns for you. People around the bay area are celebrating world [ bleep ] [ bleep ]ing week. Its not good old fashion black [ bleep ]. Pam. Shortly after i become president sometime as soon as i can arrange it, come back here in the streets of omaha together [ bleep ] more than one guy at the same time. Dont know if anyone ever can imagine what thats like. Ive [ bleep ] two girls at the same time before. . Thats the biggest pile of [ bleep ] ive ever seen. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we are going to take a break. When we come back from the goes to the pageant of the masters to meet jesus himself. So stick around. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] i had that dream again that i was on the icelandic game show. And everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me put that down. Thats expensive. Of course i save people an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. And here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. Im gonna smell it. Im just gonna take one small sip. Kinda emed like more than a sip. 1893. Bloldly blended colas. Tmobiles coverage is unstoppable. Even half way around the world. Now get text and data in 140 countries and destinations at no ext charge. Its a golden opportunity to discover that in a lexus suv theres no such thing as adverse conditions. . . For a limited time get some of our best offers of the year at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. This is the pursuit of perfection. [bell rings] walking to school is serious business. Especially on class picture day you have to stay clean. [dogs barking] r what, be on time. Its no big deal for a seco grader. Cat and jack unirms. Guaranteed for one year. . . . . . . Heart rate one fifty six. . jet engine reving up you hear that . Thats the sound of our summer sale firing up its engines ars oneway. So get ready to take off. Because sale prices as low as these dont happen every day book your low fare now at southwest. Com. Low fares. Nothing to hide. Thats transfarency. . . Jimmy that is the great sharon jones sitting in with the cletones tonight. [ cheers and applause ] she will be with us all night tonight. Morgan freeman is here. Steve martorano is here. And music from young the giant. Theres an annual summer event not too far from here in laguna beach called pageant of the masters. This is something they do every year. Its happening through the end of the month. An allvolunteer cast get dressed up to reenact famous paintings and other works of art. They have real people dress up in costume to look like mona lisa, the last supper, the scream, and they look exactly like them. Its amazing. Ive been to it many times. Its a lot of fun. And this week it was even more fun because our very own guillermo played a role. Guillermo, are you an art lover in general . Jimmy you do love art. [ laughter ] yes. Jimmy who is your favorite artist, may i ask . There are so many i jimmy there are so many. [ laughter ] just name one of them. Just one. Just wtever ps out of your head. Oh, my god. Katie. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy very good. Katie of course. Referring to my daughter. Anyway, heres guillermo. Great art lover. At the pageant of the mast . Hi. How are you . Hi. Welcome, guillermo. My names diane. Nice meeting you. Its nice to meet you. Im director of pageant of the masters. Oh, okay. I dont know if youve ever heard anything about our show. No, never. What is it . What is the show about . Well, we are going to recreate famous works of art, paintings and sculpture, with real people. And in france they call it tableau vivant. Tableau vivant. Its french. Tableau labant . Close. Tableau vivant. Tableau la bon . Right, you got it. Im going to be in the painting . Exactly. Youll be in costume and makeup. The curtain will open. The lights come on. And you have to freeze. Like madonna. Strike a pose. Thats right. Okay. Youre going to have to hold still for 90 seconds. You think you can do that . Thats easy. I do that all the time in the show. I stay for one hour. Like that. Yes, jimmy, very funny. [ laughter ] im standing still, pretending to laugh. Yes, boss, whatever you say. Ha ha ha this is the show lineup. This is our storyboard. And these are all the pictures of the pieces were going to recreate on stage tonight. This is by diego rivera. These are men on a construction line. Maybe you could be one of those guys. He was chunky like me. I could be him. The finale of the show is the last supper by leonardo da vinci. Yeah. I want to be jesus. Well, our cast member, or volunteer cast member, has been working with us for about 15 years and im not sure hed want to give up his role tonight. Ill talk to him. I want to be jesus. Okay. Where is jesus . Anybody . I am. Oh, you are . How are you doing . Guillermo. Nice to meet you. I want to play jesus. I know youve been doing it for a longim uhhuh. 16 years. 16 years. Wow. Itsfor you to take a day off. Not tonight. Who should i play . Would you be interested in judas . Judas. All right. Ill take it. . Wow. They look so white. Donald trump is going to like me now im going to have oatmeal, half a grapefruit, and coffee with splenda. And toast dry. [ laughter ] oh, my god. Now i look like jimmy kimmel. This is terrible. Lets do this. Hey, guys. Teach me. Show you how to do this . Yeah, youve got to show me. You and tell you its very simple. Like that. Pretty much like that. Your hands just like this. Kind of its beside you but in front of you. Yeah. More this. Im tired already. This arms resting on the table. Okay. All right. W much i get paid for this . I do not get paid anything for this. I am a volunteer. Are you [ bleep kidding me . I am not. [ laughter ] this is you. Leonardo da. The last supper. [ applause ] [ applau ] hank you, everybody. I think we did good. So we did the last supper, and now its time for the last selfie. Jesus edy say jesus. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. You were very good judas. Very well done. Thank you, guillermo. Tonight on the show, sharon jones is sitng in with the cletones. We have music from young the Steve Martorano ertoook with us. [ eers a applause ] . Bet youre wondering how i knew . Hey, youre clarence yes, sir. You know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. Steve. Yeah . Clarence is on a roll. Yeah. I wish theyd name an event after me. Same here. But the model year end becky event . Thats ngood. Stevent thats just vandalism. Whatever you want to call it, dont miss the volkswagen model year end event. Hurry in for a onethousand and 0 apr on a new 2016 passat. Olay totalffects vitamin enriched to revive skin and fight 7 signs of aging your Old School Dance moves might show your age, your skin never will jimmy that is sharon jones sitting in wh the etones. [ cheers and applaus] sharon has a documentary called miss sharon jones in theaters now. You can see her live tomorrow night at the Nuart Theater in l. A. Thank you for being here, sharon. Thank you. Jimmy tonight, he cooks food and he wrote a book so you can cook food too. Its called it aint sauce, its gravy. Steve martorano is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have a big tank of blue crab from maryland and guillermo, you are going to fish the crabs out of the tank. Youre going to try. Youve got to do it or else nobody is going to eat. Steve will be here. And then later their album is called home of the strange. It comes out a week from tomorrow. Young the giant from the samsung outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Our firses legendary oscarwinning actor whose voice is more meaningful even than the one in our heads. His new movie is the biblical epic benhur. The world you live in is romes. Their laws. Their power. You cannot fight them in the streets. But there is another way. In the circus. There is no law. What happens tre is ort, not will cheer y. If your brother is the pride of rome, take their pride. Jimmy benhur opens aust 19th. Please welcome morgan freen [ cheers and applause ] . [ cheers and applause ] th didnt care about me that mu i mean, its you really theyre interested in seeing. Ano can blame them . Ou were saying legendary thats what stuff like that. Jimmy thats the sort of thing that [ cheers applae ] i was hoping that youd wear the dreadlks for the show tonight. Did you take that home . That wig . No. Jimmy forget i even said that. Lets start over. [ laught iis something, though. I liked it. Jimmy did you enjoy it . Yes, of course. Jimmy u had ke a George Clinton type vibe there with those dreadlocks. I had a wig guy whose family had be in the wigmaking business for generations. And he made the wig for me in driving miss daisy. Jimmy oh, heid . Wow. [ cheers and applause ] thats when you know youre important man, when you have a personal wigmaker. [ laughter ] whos been doing ifor ration wigs for generat thats pretty impressive. I want to ask you about a photograph here. This is im not sure where this is taken. You can tell us. You, prince harry, the first lady, and george bush. At an event of some kind. It looks lgeorge bush is he kind of recognizes the first lady but hes not sure where he knows her from. Is this were you just sitting next to these people or did you socialize with them . How did that go . Huh . [ laughter ] youre asking me if i no. Jimmy no, im asking the picture. Im asking george bush. George. [ laughter ] yeah i mean, was it just one of those things you happened to be sitting next to them or were you all together as a unit . I know the first lady from back when they first started on the campaign trail. Jimmy right. Fell head over heels in love with her. So this was actually at the invictus games. Jimmy the movie yeah. Sort of olympics for wounded warriors. Jimmy got you. And george bush, is he youd met him before . Well, i shook his hand once. Jimmy i see. Prince harry is royalty, obviously. Did you have to observe any kind of protocol before meeting him or does he have to observe some sort of protocol before meeting [ laughter ] no, i was introduced to him. And i was just introduced to him as harry. So i didnt know i was jimmy oh, really . [ laughter ] thats pretty good. Somebody backstage so, you met prince harry. I said no. Sure you did. No, no, i dont know. I mean, he was there, i said. [ laughter ] jimmy you just thought he just a kid with great seats. Goodlooking kid. Jimmy when is the last time yo somebody . Can you even remember . Uhhuh. Jimmy who was it . Nelson mandela. Jimmy nelson mandela. Thats a good one. [ cheers and applause ] and it went well, i assume . Did he alleviate that nervousness right away . Not right away. Jimmy noght aw . N really venerate u like jimmy yes. Jimmy whassup . I dont know. [ laughter ] xaly. And then what . Jim where do you go from ere . Wheo you from e . I s thinking. A greonor to meet yo and im sure you yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy yeah, right. Heard that plenty of times in my life. Well, you probably hear the same thing. And you have to i guess its your responsibility you try to be yeah. Im getting sort of senile. So the words i want to use go away. Civil. You have to be civil to people. Particularly when they come up to you and say we love you. You dont say, get away [ laughter ] jimmy you narrated Hillary Clintons introduction video at e Democratic National convention. Did i . Jimmy yeahu did. [ cheers and appuse ] or someone that sounded there were a few of us there. Jimmy a lot of people imitate you. Maybe it was an impersonator is that something that she contacts you personally or did her people contact your people to do that . Yeah, her people contact my people and say, you know, hillary would ke for you to help. Jimmy and then you say do i get paid . Or how does it work . [ laughter ] i say lead me to wherever you need me. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so you did that for her. Does she thank you afterwards . Mmhmm. Conversation that happens afterwards . Yeah. Ah. Jimmy okay. Dont know. I dont know how these things go. Well, you do these things, and i dont go run after her and say, you know i did this thing for you. So how about a maybe a position somewhere . An ambassadorship to jimmy you should get an ambassadorship. Would you be interested in an ambassadorship . Not even. [ laughter ] jimmy no, not at all. If i want to go to any country i can go. Jimmy you dont have to he people with their passportwhen you get there. [ laught ] you did something great on our show tast time you were here and i was wondering if youd do it again for us. Last time mr. Freeman was here, he narrated a pedestrian, a person out on the street. We put a camera out on the stet [ cheers and applause ] and since he is clearly our premier no one tops you when it comes to narration. I thought i

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