And featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 517 michigan steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon . . . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh i missed you guys i missed you. Hey, looking good, looking good. I missed this. I missed you guys. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it, everybody, were back for new shows. [ cheers and applause ] talking about. Last night was the closing ceremony for the summer olympics. And did you see this . To kick off tokyo as the next host of the summer games, the japanese Prime Minister came out of a giant pipe dressed as super mario. [ laughter ] sure, after all the water problems they had in rio, now a a plumber shows up. Thats perfect, perfect timing. [ laughter and applause ] its a me mario steve its a me. Jimmy get this, i read that there was no full dress ceremonies last night. They kept saying that. There was no full dress rehearsal ahead of the closing ceremonies, because the stadium was being used all week. No dress rehearsal, yeah. But, somehow, everyone still managed to pull off truly flawless walking around. [ cheers and applause ] . . Steve team usa walking away. Jimmy there they go. [ light laughter ] there he is the fastest man in the world, walking. I dont know how hes doing it. Ive never seen him walk. I have to say congratulations to team usa for winning over 100 medals [ cheers and applause ] . . Over 100 medals, the most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security. [ beep ] oh, sorry, my bad. [ beep ] oh, thats the one i have inside, sorry about that. [ beep ] oh, thats the one i got for watching the other guy win. Sorry. [ light laughter ] unfortunately, one of the bigger stories out of the olympics is this scandal with swimmer ryan lochte. [ audience oohs ] lochte claimed he got robbed in rio just to cover the fact he actually vandalized a gas then the other swimmers said, what were you doing in the bathroom . Just hold it and do it in the pool like we do. [ laughter and applause ] thats what we do. Theyre swimmers. Thats pretty famous steve yeah. Jimmy why would you go to the bathroom anyway . Yeah. And lochtes troubles didnt end there. Today speedo announced that they are ending his endorsement deal over the fact that he made up the whole story. Which makes sense cause speedo is known for leaving nothing to the imagination. [ laughter and applause ] we want to know everything. We want to know everything. Thats i guess speedo will just now have to rely on their other spokesman the fattest guy at the beach. Its like, oh, this thing really breathes gonna do some stretches. Actually bob costas says he thinks ryan lochte may have cost himself millions of dollars in potential endorsements following the rio scandal. I dont know about that, he just signed a bunch of big endorsements in the past few days. Steve really . Jimmy yeah. Hes also endorsing the shoe brand, sketchy. You know those . [ laughter ] theyre comfy. Steve theyre comfortable. Jimmy theyre comfortable. Theyre comfortable shoes. Steve yes, but theyre a a little sketchy. Jimmy and finally, the new spokesman for the book rio for dummies. [ applause ] and you know hell be fine. Hes fine. Of course, one of the more unusual sports at the olympics is the modern pentathlon, which involves athletes having to ride a horse that theyve never ridden before. I didnt even know anything about the en favorite event, had i known about it. Steve had you known. Jimmy thats a fantastic idea. So, they get on horses that they never met before. I think thats the best thing ive ever heard in my life. Anyway, they find out the night before or right before the event, which horse theyre gonna ride. Lets see how that went. And has been to 11 world championships. Jimmy how you doing there . Yeah, when did americas funniest home videos become an Olympic Event . I love it. [ cheers and applause ] of course, those athletes ended up with some pretty low scores, but the horses were like, nailed it. [ laughter ] i stopped short and flipped him. Take care, man. Lets get to some election news here. Donald Trumps Campaign chairman, paul manafort, was forced to resign on friday fo which really upset trump, because he insists having all his ties made in china. [ laughter and applause ] those kids are counting on the work. [ light laughter ] this is strange, though. This happened, i know we werent on, i wish the show was on, but gosh it made me laugh. Pretty strange. These lifesized nude statues of donald trump did you see this . They showed up in cities across [ laughter ] they just showed up there. Youd be walking in the park, and you see this statue, yeah. Forget building the wall, trump should just put a bunch of those things at the border. [ applause ] you know what . Im not gonna its fine. Maybe americas not for me. But this is pretty funny. The new York City Parks department actually released a a statement this is real on the naked trump statue after they took it down. This is completelyl. Take a look. They said, new York City Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small. [ laughter and applause ] its a bad burn. Such a bad burn smokey the bear showed up. Steve oh jimmy we have a great show. Give it up for the roots, everybody . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy good to see you guys. I missed you. I missed you higgins. Guys and i missed you. Welcome, welcome, everybody here and everybody at home, welcome too. Its monday, so happy to be back here. We have a big week of shows coming up. Tomorrow night, Country Music legend dolly parton will be here. [ cheers and applause ] steve oh jimmy i love dolly parton. And were gonna debut a new game with the gold medalwin Gymnastics Team fresh off the summer olympics games in rio. The final five will be here playing a fun game. [ cheers and applause ] steve whoa jimmy a weird game. A new game. Steve a new game. Jimmy its a good game. Its fun, its weird though, its fun. Then on wednesday, were gonna tell you about a brand new app that were launching the show is launching. Its silly. You probably know what it is. I dont want to say anything yet. cause i want to build suspense. [ light laughter ] no one cares. Steve what is it . Jimmy no one cares. Mr. Fallon mr. Fallon whats that app youre talking about . You got to tell us about that app youre developing, man what goes on in those labs . Please, please, cant talk about it. Please. Steve its secret. Jimmy later this week, we have Barbara Streishand will be here. [ cheers and applause ] stve oh Jimmy Barbara steve yeah jimmy alec baldwin is here. [ cheers and applause ] we love alec. And weve got music from Florida Georgia Line this week. [ cheers and applause ] but, first, we have a fantastic show tonight. Hes one of the best actors of all time, and the star of the big new boxing movie opening this weekend called hands of stone. Robert de niro is on the show [ cheers and applause ] . . Thats the secret move. I gave away the ending. Steve thats the ending of the movie. Jimmy thats the ending of the movie. He does this dance and this. This is fun, oh, fun knockout. Steve knocks him out. Hands made of stone. Jimmy you dont even know if they knocked him out. They go to the credits. They go to the credits. Steve they freeze frame. Jimmy you just picture in your head what would happen. Steve you decide the ending. Jimmy no, it is based on a a Roberto Duran. Its a true story, and Robert De Niro is great in everythi, so, well talk to bobby d. Steve thats what you call him. Jimmy i dont say it to his face. Steve not to his face. Jimmy no, not to his face. Steve whats bobby d doing . Jimmy plus, hes one of the greatest golfers in the world. He was the 2015 pga player of the year, i love this guy. Jordan spieth is stopping by [ cheers and applause ] and we have great music from Martin Garrix and bebe rexha. [ cheers and applause ] steve yeah its going to be fun tonight. Im so psyched. Guys, its late august, and you know what that means. Its back to school time. Yeah. [ audience groans ] thats right kids. Sorry, you gotta go back to school. You got to start hitting those books and giving those teachers dirty looks. Look, i dont want you guys reading any stinkers, so i want to help you out. Im about to show you some books to avoid at all costs in case youre in the bookstore. Steve right. Jimmy getting ready for school. Steve sure titles avoid them. At all costs. Thats right. Its time for my latest installment of my do not read list. Dont read. . Do not read do not read do not read these books these books . Jimmy i love doing this segment, because these are all real books, okay . Seriously. What im about to show you, every book is 100 real. Theyre actual books. You can find them on amazon. You can check them out at your local library. Im not recommending them, but, hey. Steve youre saying dont decision. They are real. Lets see whats on my do not read list. This first one is a howto book. Steve oh, good. Love em. Jimmy you love howto books. Steve howto books. Diy. Jimmy well this is fantastic. This is ten ways to destroy the imagination of your child. [ laughter ] steve oh, good. Ive been looking for that. Jimmy i think my dad read this to me. [ laughter ] next up is a mystery book. Steve oh, mystery. Love them. Jimmy this is called hohohomicide. [ laughter ] its got two things everyone likes, christmas and murder. [ laughter ] . . Hohohomicide. Hohohomicide. Steve who killed him . Santa . Jimmy no, the two prostitutes. Steve really . [ laughter ] theyre just visiting the north pole . Jimmy i didnt get to the i didnt get to the end of it. Next up is a crafts book. Steve oh, crafting. I love crafting. Jimmy crafty, yeah. This is toilet paper origami. There you go. Delight your guests with fancy folds and simple surface embellishments. Take a look at some gems. Steve i woul jimmy look at this. This is a fandangle. [ laughter ] if you want to call them out while youre in there. I love your fandangle, gary steve a little help here im out. Jimmy took me a few hours, but i got it figured out. Or you can pull this out. This is the swanky hanky. Swanky hanky that was your snapchat name, wasnt it . Well cut this out. We wont air that. Steve kids dont need to know that. Jimmy we wont never air that. Steve never. Need some more toilet paper. Jimmy like your swanky hanky. Thank you. Took me four hours, id rather you not use it. Took four hours of folding. [ laughter ] use a towel. [ laughter ] next up is an encyclopedia. Steve oh, i love an encyclopedia. Jimmy i love encyclopedias. You know me. Steve yeah, you love them, 24 6. Jimmy this ones called the little encyclopedia of dishcloths. Steve oh jimmy perfect for anyone whos ever said, you know, i know a few things about dish clothes, but im hungry. Steve for knowledge. Jimmy my brains hungry for knowledge. Im hungry to know more. Steve i got to read about them dishcloths. What do you got . Jimmy well, you know im talking about this right here. Classic granny square, fast favorite. Faucet angel. Nubby, nubby mesh. Steve love it. Jimmy everyones favorite, stormy waters. Steve oh, love that one. Swanky steve swanky. Jimmy swanky. Steve swanky hanky. Sorry. Jimmy no spanky hanky. Youve been in the bathroom a a long time there, greg. Just call me hank. Steve just call me hanky. [ laughter ] jimmy we shouldnt have invited spanky hanky over. What do you want with it . Steve what is he supposed to do . [ laughter ] jimmy swanky. Looks fantastic. Fashionable, hair combed. Steve velvet jacket. Swanky hankys the best. [ laughter ] jimmy were down to our last one. This is a childr b anyone with kids out there this is a book called rhymes with duck. Steve oh . Jimmy you got truck, luck, buck. Steve cluck, muck [ laughter ] jimmy what else rhymes with duck . Tariq i got one. Jimmy whats that . What is it . Yeah . Tariq f jimmy yeah . Tariq f jimmy you got one . [ laughter ] you got one . Forget it, tariq, dont worry about it. Thats all i have for this edition of my do not read list. [ cheers and applause ] do you have a book that you think should be on our next do not read list i would like to see it. Send your titles to our blog at donotread tonightshow. Com. Well be right back with more of the tonight show. [ cheers and applause ] . . . . Hey, is this our turn . Honey. Our turn . Yeah, we go left right here. avo love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. Get zero percent on select subaru models during the subaru a lot to love event, now through august thirtyfirst. Get ready. To show your roots. With root touch up from nicen easy it blends with leading shades, even salon shades. In just 10 minutes. So pick your shade. And show the world your roots. With root touchup. You work at ge . Re working on some pretty big stuff over there, right . Like a new language for crazybig, worldchanging machines. Well, not me specifically. I work on the industrial side. So i build the worldchanging machines. I get it. You cant talk because its super highlevel. No, i actually do build the machines. Blink if what youre doing involves encrypted data transfer. Wait, what . Wowwww. Wow . What wow . There is no wow. M ms . Milk chocolate melts in your mouth, oh yeah . . And it feels so good . . . How does a girl go from this. Oh, screw off. To this. [ beeps ] im pregnant . You have no idea which of us is the father . Surprise. [ laughs nervously ] bridget, who do you want to be the father . The billionaire . Or the ex . Bridget, ive missed you. Oh, god. Quickly. [ moaning in pain ] just think away the pain. Ahhhh oh. Just think away the pain. . . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, guys welcome back you know, i always say oh, i love you. I always say that out show is lucky to have the greatest band in late night, the roots there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] but it isnt always fun and games. From time to time, we put the roots to the test. We pick people from the audience and have the roots make up songs about them on the the roots. Here we go [ cheers and applause ] . Time to freestyle with the roots . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, roots, you ready to do this . [ cheers and applause ] lets pick someone . Raise your hand if you want the roots to make a song up about you on the spot. [ cheers and applause ] how about you . How about you . Come on. Stand up. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Perfect. Hi, beautiful. How are you . Nice to see you. [ applause ] ah, what is your name . Nila. Jimmy nila, all right. Now, a lot of people are going on road trips during the summer. If you go on a road trip, where do you want to go . Italy. Jimmy oh [ laughter ] thats a long road trip, but yeah. [ laughter ] you got to stop a couple places. Okay, yeah, go to italy, of all right. What three other people would you want in the car with you . You [ cheers ] questlove e jimmy hey, questlove and bob de niro. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy me, questlove, and Robert De Niro. You can call him bob. Yes [ applause ] jimmy i love that. Okay. Guys, nila is here. Isnt she the coolest . If she went on a road trip, she wants to go to italy. And the passengers she would love to have in the car is me [ laughter ] you, questlove, and bobby d. [ laughter ] Robert De Niro. So, speaking of road trips in this next one, could you this one could you do a a willie nelson, like, on the road again type of song . Questlove hang on. Jimmy tariq is seriously writing. Here we go. I can hold this. . . [ clapping ] . . . Hey yall nila came out to the show jimmy called her beautiful . My friends . . She said she would love to visit shed love to see italy . . Thats one place she had never been . [ clapping ] . . . Well when she took that italian trip . . She said jimmy questlove and bobby de niro she would like to go with them . . Hey nila how you feela . . . . Its a big deal youre here on the show well welcome back again . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy ill, ill cut through. Ill cut through im gonna cut through here. [ cheers and applause ] excuse me for a second. Im just gonna walk through here. Hey, how are you doing . Hey. Jimmy hey, i like your head. How you doing . Hey, buddy. Nice to see you buddy. You too. Jimmy oh, you are. You are. How you doing, pal . How are you . Whats up, jim . Jimmy nice to see you. You can call me jim, i guess, yeah. [ laughter ] jim. Jimmy yeah. How are you doing . How are you . Good, how are you . Jimmy how are you doing . How you doing, buddy . Hey, how you doing . Hi [ cheers and applause ] this side [ cheers and applause ] this is the side that i want [ cheers and applause ] here you go. All right, very good. What is your name . Danielle. Jimmy danielle. Very good, danielle. Danielle. The olympics just ended yesterday. Whats your favorite Olympic Event . Gymnastics. Jimmy ooh, gymnastics. Those girls are amazing. [ laughter ] if you could pick anything to be a new Olympic Event. It doesnt have to be a sport, just be something youre good at it, what would it be . Something im good at . Jimmy sure. Um. [ i have no idea. Golf . Jimmy yeah are you a golfer . Not at all. Jimmy that is an Olympic Event. Thats an Olympic Event. That was the first thing that came to my head. Jimmy its something thats isnt if you can pick oh, im sorry. Jimmy we can have golf, two. I mean, that would be two rounds of golf. I mean, its already is an Olympic Event, yeah. Also is riding strange horses, but i didnt know until this evening, so yeah. [ laughter ] if you could do anything, what do you love doing . Um. Jimmy yeah. Beer pong. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy there you go thats the truth . . The truth has been spoken [ laughter and applause ] beer pong thats what im talking about we got to have our own olympics next year. Guys, we have danielle here, and her favorite event is gymnastics. She loves gymnastics, but if she could have any event, any Olympic Event happen that shes good at, it got to be beer pong. I mean, come on. It takes skill. It takes skill. This last one guys, the vmas are this weekend, and our pal, awards. Can you guys do drake kind of song . Is that tough . . . . You you you . . . [ clapping ] . Yeah danielle dan danielle i wouldnt lie to you . . You i wouldnt lie not like ryan lochte i cant swim . . Yeah yeah . . . . Said whats your favorite event i said fantastic . . I cant back flip yeah yeah yeah but id wait my whole life long . . Just to get a one time and play game of beer pong with my friends . . . . One time in the beer pong just to play a game with danielle . . Okay when does that begin . . . Jimmy thats what im talking about thank you thank you very much. Ah, its so funny. Danielle. Thanks to these guys thanks you to the roots [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with