[ cheering ] thank you very much come on. Thank you. Hey, thats nice. Thank you, thats [ laughter ] thanks, thats very nice of you. I havent heard that much applause since joan collins picked up her wedding night pictures at fotomat. [ laughter ] weve got a good show. This part of the show is, as you probably know, is called the monologue. We call it new wave comedy because if you dont laugh, we wave goodbye and we bring in a new group [ laughter ] whoo i forgot that you were with us. Wheres doc . You forgotten that i were with you . No, no i know that you [ laughter ] no, i know youre with us. Oh, yes. But i get confused is when i know doc is but you come out here and put on a brown suit and lead the band. [ laughter ] is doc doing a concert or something . Yes, he is. In phoenix. In phoenix . Thats right. Doc is, i think, the resident conductor of the phoenix pops orchestra. Isnt that true . Correct. Do you ever get a gig like that . Not yet, no. Not yet. [ laughter ] tommy spent the whole day down at jc pennys in the valley hoping to get a look at princess diana. [ laughter ] see, lot of people on the staff like freddie and bobby quinn get invited to these celebrity golf tournaments tommy got one today. An invitation to play in the weekend golf at the lion country safari. [ laughter ] anyway, i welcome you to burbank. The Burbank Chamber of commerce gets a little edgy when i do jokes about burbank. But they have a nice sense of humor. It is an older community. How old is it . Well, let me tell you. Where else can you yell in the crowd, look halleys comet and they say, not again. [ laughter ] does that give you an idea . [ applause ] the white house announced today they found a diamond tiara in the ballroom and if the owner does not claim it in 30 days, nancys keeping it. [ laughter ] did you see i understand prince charon princess of wales, thats her official title, isnt it . They call her princess diana, princess of wales. Are back in london now. You know how much luggage they brought according to the paper . Seven thousand pounds of luggage. Yeah, for that 10 day trip. Now, ill tell you who i feel sorry for, its Prince Charles standing at the baggage carousel [ laughter ] with those claim checks, i mean [ laughter ] the newspapers covered it all over the place. I guess the last part they went to was down in palm beach. Prince charles danced with joan collins. You see, the prince is a big fan of dynasty and you would be too if you were the first in line to inherit one. [ laughter ] speaking of that, there was a special show on last night, wasnt there . The 2 hour version of dynasty. Did you see it . [ applause ] they now have the carringtons an were all in one room. It looked like Christmas Eve at kmart. [ laughter ] next week is going to be even worse when blakes long lost cousin, john walton shows up with his family. [ laughter ] i mean Charlton Heston played jason colby. I dont think heston has really made the transition from movies to television. He arrived at the party and i understand next week, Julio Iglesias is going to guest on the colbys and cut a record with everyone in the family. [ laughter ] remember the incident with the russian sailor that they said was trying to defect here . Right. Yeah, the soviet union now claims that that sailor, who tried to defect actually fell overboard. Now, if you believe that, their army was drugged and kidnapped into afghanistan. [ laughter ] [ applause ] it was an interesting lawsuit filed, i guess, just this week in hollywood. Producer george lucas, do you know who he is . Hes a man who produced star wars. He was suing to stop the use of the word star wars yeah, apparently he didnt win it. And in a similar story, Disney Productions is suing the United States post office because everybody refers to them as a mickey mouse organization. [ laughter ] heyyo [ applause ] so i guess the Reagan Administration is no longer going to call our defense plan star wars, theyre going to call it death wish 3. [ laughter ] president ial campaign in 86 is going to be called peewees big adventure. [ laughter ] so anyway [ applause ] who do we have tonight . We have a good show for you tonight. We have mr. Robert blake, whom you all know from hell town. Robert is here for his usual therapy session. [ laughter ] we have david read those labels [ applause ] and tell us how not to get ripped off. And a fascinating lady i just said hello to in makeup. Shes, i believe, 81 years old. Her name is eura irwin. You will not believe what she does but i want to tell you what she does. She has a paper route. Yes, in her hometown, she still gets up, i guess, every morning and delivers papers at 81. So, what else do we have . Thats it. Well, thats a lot. Okay. And well be right back. [ music ] [ music ] hello, there. [ cheering ] weve got a nice crowd here tonight. You know, its the weather. Its the most beautiful weather yeah. Weve had in Southern California in the last three days. Mmhmmm. Gorgeous. It is. The day before yesterday, was, i think, the coldest day weve had in los angeles in about 2o years. Yeah. It got down to Something Like in los angeles about 40 degrees. Yeah. Now, that Means Nothing to people in wyoming or montana. Remember those days back then . Oh, yes. Twelve below zero, i think, the other day in cut bank, montana below zero. One does not put ones tongu on the pump handle. No. [ laughter ] remember that as a kid . You could not resist . Sure. Never do that. Do not put until you put your tongue right on the wrought iron. They pour hot water over you. Have you been out trying to find the comets yet . Not yet. I may have confused some people last night i said i was out trying to find haleys comet. Yeah. Actually, it will be, i think, more visibility toward the end of this month. Right. Early december and then back into march and april. Theyre selling a lot of telescopes. Where is the angle . You mentioned someplace what is the angle that you looked . Up. I know [ laughter ] but i mean, is there like a 45 degree angle a 30 degree angle . From the horizon, what is the angle that you look . Well, i dont have an exact measurement for you today. I wont pin you down to exact im just getting a rough idea. Well, i could the because i will look around when i find that angle. I could get that estimate for you and bring it in tomorrow. Would you yes. Be so kind. Actually, it was in the constellation of the pleiades. Then it is moving in taurus, then it goes along and it moves. You dont see a big streak people looking up there thats what i was expecting to see. No, youre not going to see a big im going to be very disappointed. Back in next march and april, you will see the tail. But as of right now, you cant see the tail. All you see is a little a kind of fuzzy little patch there. All right. Its the only comet weve got so ill have to take it. [ laughter ] thats right. And youre used to seeing fuzzy little patches anyway. [ laughter ] you couldnt resist. Youre right, that was called a cheap shot. Im sorry. [ laughter ] now, how many of you watch on television what they call a normal situation comedies . You know [ applause ] there were some really good ones on and there are some that not too sharp. No. But have you ever noticed everything is funny in a sitcom nowadays . Mmhmm. See, we do this show live. I mean, were taped its shown jusco after we finish it. Mmhmm. We have a studio audience and we tape for an hour. Thats it good, bad, or indifferent thats where the show comes on. Situation comedies everything is funny now. Mmhmm. You ever notice . Sure. Pete comes in the door and says, hi, dad and theres a scream. Big laugh, yeah. Because sometimes, what they do, they use what is called i guess most people know, is a laugh track. Right. And some shows will work in front of a Live Audience in the studio and then they will add mmhmm. Laughter on top of that, which is called sweetening. Right. In other words, even when its not funny. Yeah. Now, there are shows at nbc that uses laugh tracks on oh, yeah. There are some i think the cosby show is done in front of a Live Audience and i dont think its sweetened at all. Im sure there are other shows. But nbc feels that people at home should know when to laugh and theyve even asked the tonight show to use a laugh track. No kidding. What . Really . Thats right. Of course, im against that, but what can i do . Yeah. Im just a cog in a big machine. [ laughter ] so i thought lets assume that we had a laugh track on the show. Right. Why dont we just have a discussion and well show you what when we have a little banter here, what it would sound like at home and how confusing it is. Ill just well just talk about anything. What do you think of the weather lately . Its the coldest ive ever seen it. I almost froze this morning. [ laughter ] thank you. That must be really sore. [ laughter ] do you drive into work everyday . Yes. You know, sometimes i stop and try to hitch a ride. [ laughter ] now, thats what it would sound mmhmm. And thats about what happens on sitcoms. Thats right. Webster comes into the door, hi, dad. Rah everybody laughs. Let me tell you, folks, a lot of people make money selling laugh tracks to the network. Now, we figured we have, what about 500 people i figured tonight, why not . Weve got 500 people here you people. Going to give you some cues [ laughter ] tell you a situation in situation comedy. Now, these situations are not particularly funny but when theyre shown on television, they will be funny because youll hear 500 people laughing. And beside that, we can sell them and pick up a couple of bucks. Youll have fun later on in the season listening to yourselves at home, knowing that you were laughing at these situations. [ laughter ] you know, just if i give you like this really its more laughter and if its just a little titters, well give you that. Now, heres a request we got from love boat. Ill describe the situation and then tell you when to fill a laugh in. Right. Its the last night of the cruise of the formal dinner with the captain. Captain stubing is proposing a toast all of a sudden he feels his table start to shake. He looks under and theres van johnson and cesar romero fighting over over ann sotherns halter top. [ laughter ] you see now, you took it out a little fast. Yeah. [ laughter ] i waved you on. If you noticed, it has to swell and then yeah. Just let it trail off like people are no. Sense of humor, okay . Well try another one, here. [ laughter ] that was not bad, though. No good job. All right, heres one from golden girls. Nbc show, right . Right. All right. Blanche says she wants to get in shape and begins to do situps. She starts to feel a little shortness of breath and phones the paramedics. Rose, as a gag, replaces the paramedics oxygen tank with helium. You, see already its getting funny. As blanche floats to the ceiling, she gets her panty hose snared in the chandelier. [ laughter ] good, good, good perfect that is wonderful that was perfect. You see, because people have different senses of humor, they should really kind of trail off, all right . Lets try one webster needs a little punching up here. Thats what they call it a little bit. All right, this is for the thanksgiving episode of webster. George and katherine prepare a thanksgiving turkey. George says, wheres webster . Katherine says, did you check his room . Then george peeks inside the turkey [ laughter ] and says, honey, you baked webster inside the turkey [ laughter ] in there. [ laughter ] no groans. All right. Give me a break they need a little help. Grandpa accidentally walks into the bathroom while nell is taking a shower. [ laughter ] you didnt give a signal. I did no signal here, folks. And he says, are those stretchmarks or did the freeway add another 15 lanes . [ laughter ] all right, wve not just laughter, but they want certain sound effects like if somebody brings a little puppy, go awww. Awww. You get a lot of those, all right . This is what is called a cute reaction. For example, our friend merv griffin, you know, when hes talking to somebody and he goes, oooh. [ laughter ] is that right . Oooh . So, were all going to do heres a plot on punky brewster. This will finish with merv griffin. Brings it home and shows it to henry, the crusty old apartment manager. And she says, this is my special new friend, mr. Snuggles. Oooh. [ laughter ] thats good, good stuff. Yeah, yeah. You know what . Thank you, youre a good audience. You know what we can make for this stuff . Ohho. Tons. Did you know they actually do that in shows . Somebody will tape a show and if its really a good show in front of an audience, somebody will come in some other show and say, do you mind if we borrow or buy that studio reaction . Mmm. And then they will you folks have probably heard yourself on many shows and dont even know it. [ laughter ] yeah. Anyway. Thank you. We got tonight, mr. Robert blake, david read those labels horowitz, and in a moment, youll meet eura irwin, who does have a paper route. And well be back in a moment. [ music ] my first guest is an interesting woman who seems to be the oldest woman in the country with a paper route and she lives in hope, arkansas. And the newspaper she delivers is called the hope star and we have about 20 seconds of footage here showing her at work. Would you take a look . Moves pretty fast. [ laughter ] look at that. There she is. Okay, would you welcome please, eura irwin [ music ] thank you. Nice to meet you thats just exactly what i needed. Yeah . I go to church sometimes and my legs go to sleep yeah . Because my feet cant touch the floor. I think im going to build me a little stool to take to church. A little pillow or Something Like that. Thats right. Uhhuh. You were really was that film speeded up . You were moving real fast there. Oh, no, thats the way i go, johnny. Yeah . Theres nothing slow about me. No, i believe that. [ laughter ] youre 81 . Eightyone years old in september. Yeah . The 22nd. And your name is spelled eura . Eura. Pronounced well, mother started out spelling ura and they at school theyd say, youre a hog. Or youre a chicken aww. Or youre a something. So when we moved to arizona right. She started spelling my name eura so they couldnt say, you are a hog. Yeah. [ laughter ] see, i liked it better. I liked it better. I wasnt a hog anyways. Didnt even look like one. Kids can be cruel, cant they . They can be. They can be. Yeah, they pick up on Something Like thats right. Somebody says you prefer to be called, actually, granny. Yeah . Thats right. How long have they been calling you granny now . You dont want to be called granny too young. Well, no we didnt start about 79. I moved back from texas to hope, arkansas and started delivering papers yeah. And they started calling me granny. Uhhuh. Uhhuh. So, hope, arkansas is not your where you were born. Oh, i was born in eastland county. Yeah . Texas. In texas . Between eastland and garland texas yeah. And moved to arizona when i was 11 and we i got married in arizona. I married young. Husband said they said, you robbed the cradle. I got her so i could train her up right. But said that, she turned the tables on me. Yeah . [ laughter ] when you said you were married young, how old were fourteen and a half. Fourteen and a half . Fourteen and a half. But i knew how to do i knew how to keep house and everything. Yeah . I even ironed white shirts we dont do that anymore. Ironed white shirts for my brothers is that right . And they thought i did a great job. Yeah. Yes. Fourteen and a half did you know much about the facts of life at fourteen and a half . Oh, not too much. Yeah. Not too much. [ applause ] to one man to one man. To one man. You said to one man. To one man well, you dont have to rub it in. [ laughter ] well, i wanted you to know the truth. Oh, thats nice. I think thats wonderful. Mmmhmm. Has it been a relatively happy marriage . Fine. You know i hear it must be if youre 66 years. I hear people people talk about, oh, dont get married to someone someone said, i know you didnt love your husband when you married him. You wouldnt be saying those things. Yeah. Well, im glad to hear that. You have a couple of daughters, i understand. I have a couple of daughters. What are their names . Fannie edda and elda fern. And what was funny, they said about some of the names they have some girls named buniva. And did you ever hear buniva . No, thats the first Art Linkletter had that on Program Years ago. Buniva . Buniva ann. Ann is part of my name. Yeah. Mmmhmm. So your daughters are edda fern . Elda. Elda fern. Elda. Elda fern. Elda fern. That was two girls i knew that i knew in texas and i loved both of them they do that a lot in the south, dont they in texas with the three names. Yes, they do. Yes, they do. And you know, like bobby jo, brisbane and thats right. Kitty ann litter. [ laughter ] all kinds of names, uhhuh. Now, hope, arkansas is how big a town . I think 10,000 and so. Yeah . I grew up in a town about that size. That would be considered a i love it. Now, i enjoyed l. A. Today that pod rodgers took me all over this town. Really . And i said, pod whos pod . Pod rodgersfr and thats when i started delivering papers was for pod rodgers. And today we went all over l. A. And i said, i love it, its pretty but i wouldnt trade my little house for the prettiest one up on that hill up there. Is that right . I like privacy. I like my [ applause ] good for you. I like my backyard with my swings yeah. I can swing my grandbabies, you know. Thats nice. One of them wont go to sleep until i take her in the backyard and get her sleep and she hangs with her head and arm off the side of the swing like that shes 9 months old. Bless your heart. Yeah. Up there and swing to sleep. Okay, were going to take a break here. We have to sell things occasionally, you know. Well, lets dont break. [ laughter ] well, were still going to come back. All right. Okay. Thats fine. Okay, granny. Ive got a lot to tell you. [ music ] okay, we are back. You a you like that kind of music . I like it. Good. Id love to come over and let them give me lessons to beat those drums. Would you really . Oh,yes. You always wanted to be a drummer . Oh, yes. I love drums with the other. All the others good yeah. But i love those drums a whole lot more. Yeah. If youre just joining us that way i can beat them, you know just everything out, yeah. Did you ever live on a farm . No, i you wouldnt know anything then if i asked you. You never did nothing. [ laughter ] no, no, i lived in north oak, nebraska and i lived in iowa, which is farming community. I never lived on a farm. So i know about milking cows and slopping the hog. Did you ever milk one lying on your back . [ laughter ] i did. While the cow was lying while the cow was lying was lying on her back she was young and she didnt want the calf to nurse she didnt want me to milk her. She jumped around so i put her on her back l