Yeah. They dont have to breath. Stephen but what about my zombie . Maybe my brain is not juicy enough for him. Hey, if this zombie is too dim to realize the delicious head meat that is right in front of him, then you dont need him stephen you think so . I know so. And believe it our not, one day youre going to find that special zombie w ingest your organs. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes. Tim daly. Lauren cohan. And musical guest, sleigh bells. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey whats going on . Hey, everybody cheers and applause stephen hey whats going on . Jon i had to get it. I had to get it stephen, stephen, Stephen Stephen stephen whats going on . Whats up . Stephen stephen . . . cheers stephen thats awfully nice. Thanks, everybody. Thats lovely. Wooo cheers stephen please, everybody, thank you so much. Wow. Welcome to the late show. So glad youre here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its lovely to be back. We havent seen you guys for a week. I hope you guys everybody have a good thanksgiving . cheers and applause i did, too. I had a fantastic jon, you were there. Jon yeah. Stephen heres something i discovered this thanksgiving. I discovered if you bury your face in the pecan pie, it absorbs your screams. laughter and best part is, after you its true after you put your face in it, you get to have the whole pie. You just keep shovel it in there, and if you keep the pie in your mouth, you dont have time to yell at rick. Jon i remember that. Stephen so, anyway, whats happening, guys . Seriously, what the hell is going on . laughter i havent been watching the news much, the last week, and i just wick back in it last night, and i still dont know what to make of our president elect. Yeah, its hard to know what hes doing. And heres one of the reasons. The last time donald trump held a News Conference was july 27. Remember those days . The conventions were in full swing, rihanna was dancing with drake and into our hearts. Mike and dave had not yet found wedding dates. But heres the thing donald trump, even though he is president elect, is still not letting reporters follow him. Trump is ditching the White House Press corps like theyre paparazzi. Journalists have to trick their way into reporting on the man whos going to have the Nuclear Launch codes. Right now, in a new york restaurant not far from here, in fact president elect trump is having dinner with mitt romney. How did you get into the restaurant . We had gotten a tip, anderson, before this dinner that it was possible they could be here. So like any enterprising and make a reservation. laughter stephen yes, its all about reservations. And i have alot of them. laughter trump and romney last night were dining at a fourstar french restaurant called jeangeorges. Sounds fancy, but jeangeorges could be french for waffle house. And they were joined by reince priebus, who is trumps chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. Would you care to start with some priebus . It has been lightly reinced. laughter the billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and saute . Ed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents. cheers and applause stephen sound good, though, sounds good. Jon thats right. Stephen heres the thing mitt romney at dinner with trump. No. I know mitt is up for secretary of state, but i also know what mitt said during the campaign. Donald trump is a phony, a fraud. His promises are as worthless as a degree from trump university. Hes playing the members of the American Public for suckers. He gets a free ride to the white house, and all we get is a lousy hat. Stephen yes, all we get is garlic soup and the frogs legs. I bet those frogs legs taste a little bit like trumps bleep . Jon whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa cheers and applause stephen now, did. cheers and applause did trump enjoy this public display of his most prominent republican critic bending the knee . I dont know. Trump at the dinner. Yeah, i think he did. Im glad they shot that from the waist up. Because he seems very happy. Now, some people think in this photo trump looks like the devil here. I think he looks like the guy who fired the devil one week before christmas. You cant fire me one week before the holidays. Youre a monster. What about my son damien . You know he has asthma. He was counting on that trip to thats my devil. So trump looks like hes feasting on baby souls in that photo, but what about romney . Lets take a look. Oh oh mitt oh, mitt i know he ordered the frog, but it looks like hes eating crow. laughter i know, this is how this is kind of how i feel all the time. That face i find myself making that face a lot since the election. laughter whats happening . Whats happening . Whats happening . I dont know whats happening. laughter i dont know how much were going to keep on this for broadcast, but most of i think were off the air at arent we . All right. You know what i dont necessarily understand. Have you heard about the recount going on in wisconsin. For those of you who havent heard, jill stein, the green partys president ial candidate and grandmas new roommate, is seeking a recount in wisconsin, michigan, and pennsylvania. But shes not looking to change the results. Stein explicitly says on her website our effort to recount votes is not intended to help its all summed up in her Campaign Slogan jill stein im not helping. You know what else isnt helping, Donald Trumps tweets. Hes gotten his phone back, evidently, and he apparently has a lot of free time. Whats going tow happen now . Is this how we learn about are we just going to have a tweet of the union . Strong. Trump tweeted plenty oh, the craycray this past week. But the craziest was this gentlemen now, when asked for proof that there were millions of illegal votes, trump said he couldnt of dogs ate it. And, yesterday, trump took more time off from setting up again, the government of the United States to tweet this ok, first of all, those arent equivalent things. Loss of citizenshipyear in jail. Thats like your dad say johnny, you took the car out without permission. So youre either grounded or castrated. You choose. No, no. Thats it, snip, snip. Snip, snip. And it looked like trump brought up flag burning out of nowhere. Until someone noticed that fox and friends did a segment on flag burning just before trumps tweet. Off tweets about the last thing he saw on tv, which explains trumps other tweet, british geckos are stealing insurance commercial jobs from american amphibians. Draintheswamp. cheers and applause oh, you know what . Jon i remember that. I saw that one, too. I saw that one, too. Stephen the thing is, no matter how you feel about flag burning and for the record im not a fan i agree that the American Flag should not be it is a sacred symbol that should be honored, whether it be on paper plates or napkins or banana hammocks. Weve got a great show for you tonight. When we return, well have some midnight confessions, so stick around. Wooo . . . Fact. Advil is not only strong its gentle on your body too. No wonder doctors and patients have trusted advil. For their tough pains for over 30 years. Relief doesnt get any better than this. Advil. . Mapping the oceans. Where we explore. Protecting biodiversity. Everywhere we work. Defeating malaria. Improving energy efficiency. Developing more clean burning my job at exxonmobil . Turning algae into biofuels. Reducing Energy Poverty in the developing world. Making cars go further with less. Fueling the global economy. And you thought we just made the gas. . Energy lives here. . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Youre ready. . . Get ready to experience a cup above. Olay total effects vitamin enriched to revive skin and fight 7 signs of aging your Old School Dance moves might show your age, your skin never will im lucky to get through a shift without a disaster. My bargain detergent couldnt keep up. So, i switched to tide pods. Theyre super concentrated, so i get a better clean. Tide. Number one rated. . . . cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human television, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause stephen yeah. With, longtime viewers of my face my remember that, oh, observer the break, i put jon on the spot about whether he was going to come to thanksgiving dinner. Jon yes, you did. Stephen and you did. Thank you so much for coming. Jon thank you for having me. Stephen it was really lovely. Great to have you there. Jon it was great, it was great. Stephen we had two tables. We had 24 people. Jon yeah, i was at a very young people. Stephen you had a lot of young people over there. Jon yeah, we were loud and eating a lot of the biscuits that you had. Stephen my motherinlaw, patty you had four . Jon i had four. Stephen there was only enough for two for everybody. You realize that. Somebody did not get biscuits because of you. Jon i was bargaining the whole time. I knew it turned into a batter system . A. Yeah, thats right. Stephee dinner was over, you were really generous. You played piano. We can a hours in my living room. My wife is going to kill me for showing this, but could we jimmy, do we have a footage of that . . . . . Dancing in the moonlight. Stephen there i am, sing my 14th cocktail next to jon. Yeah. cheers and applause thats 10 00 at night. Jon right. Stephen thats 10 00 at night. And ive been having old morning. Jon right, right, right. Stephen i really felt like i was on key the entire time. Jon you were. Stephen was i really . Jon you even played guitar. I didnt know you played guitar. Stephen i dont, i hope you had a good time. I hope we didnt wear out your fingers . Jon no, its cool. Im used to it. Stephen youre an athlete from the wrist down. Jon actually, more than that, you know. Stephen le really, really . Jon i like you should stephen all right. We should play basketball some time. Jon lets do that. Stephen hey, how about a basketball game, two on two, you and me against obama and biden . Wouldnt that be fun . Jon wooon. Stephen want to make that happen . Its going to happen. Its going to happen. Whats up, mr. President. Whats up, mr. Vice president . Are you scared . I think i just got on a watch list or Something Like that. Anyway, it was lovely to have you there. Jon absolutely. Stephen happy thanksgiving. As you know, i am a practicing catholic. Unfortunately, i dont make it to church as often as i used to because i have this thing where im very sleepy in the morning. One of the things i miss i love the ritual. My favorite ritual is going to confession. So what i do every so often is cob fess my sins to you, the audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colbe cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer these might not all technically be sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Audience, audience, i i need your forgiveness. I legally changed my name to deb so it wouldnt be stealing when i eat her yogurt in the breakroom fridge. laughter sometimes i tell cbs that my religious holidays include toyotathon and lobsterfest. laughter i take it personally when my dog breaks eye contact. laughter lately, ive been thinking we should get a written guarantee that our country will last forever before we buy forever stamps. laughter i have no idea how the stock market works. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i go to salad bars to feel healthy. Then i fill a taco bowl with ranch dressing and bacon bits. laughter audience, people keep saying tow me, as a comedian, arent you just a little bit happy that trump won . And i gotta say, that makes me eye with a fondue fork. laughter cheers and applause i mail my own christmas cards because i like the way envelopes taste. applause hoof. laughter i greet all of my staff by saying happy birthday, so i never have to learn if im right or not. laughter if you ever send me your screenplay, i will never read your screenplay. But i can tell you right now it has pacing problems and everyone just tell your parent youre gay. Theyll love you anyway. laughter i know eating broccoli would probably add years to my life, but i dont want to spend those years eating broccoli. laughter sometimes, i wear a superhero costume under my clothes. But its not a weird thing. Its a sex thing. laughter if they ever reveal trumps secret list of enemies, ill be a little hurt if im not on it. laughter applause cheers laughter i likecy can sweat without having to exercise. laughter i have a fake service animal. I got a certificate for my dog. I know its wrong, but i just want her with me whenever i board a roller coaster. laughter whenever tom hanks comes on my show, i sell the halfeaten food he leaves behind on ebay. laughter in nick in high school, in high school, audience, my nickname was dr. Strange. Not because i loved the marvel character, but because i wore a lab coat in gym class. laughter i think christmas has become too commercialized is what i tell people i forget to buy presents for. cheers and applause i only tip the food delivery guy 1 for every piece of clothing im wearing when i open the door. Sometimes theres no tip at all. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen well be right back with tim daly. . . . applause . Hi. How can i help . . . . Im making a peppermint mocha shes one of my favorites, and she comes in every day. She calls me to do her drinks. And she loves getting drinks from me. And i love making em for her. She gets so excited; it makes her really happy which makes me really happy. Melissas going to be so ecstatic when she gets this drink. This is going to make her day. I have a grande peppermint mocha for melissa. When cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. Theraflu. For a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. . laughs. here it is. . Hey dad . Wishes do come true. The lincoln wish list sales event is on. Get exceptional offers on the lincoln family of luxury vehicles. Sign and drive off in a new 2017 lincoln mkc with zero down does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. . . . cheers and applause stephen fantastic. Hey, welcome back, everybody. Folks, my first guest tonight is a talented actor who stars in the hit cbs secretary. It cant be, can it, something as insignificant as one congressmans old baggage sway the presidency . Sometimes its nice to think that a small act of kindness can make a big difference. Hey, most historical events happen just because some guy fell off his buggy. Inaccurate, but appreciated. Hey, dad. Hi. I heard you had a few drinks last night. Ummm. All right, go to the stephen please welcome tim daly. cheers and applause . . . Theyre very kind. Theyre very nice. Stephen the audience is very nice. Nice to see you again. Great to be seen. Stephen how were your holidays so far . How was thanksgiving . You know, thanksgiving is great. I like the actual holiday of thanksgiving, because involves, you know, food and drink and stuff like that. But i have to say, you know, you never thought in my lifetime they would watch the news and have black friday be a story. Like, why do i have to know . Why do i have to turn on the news and have a newscaster say, americans spent more this black friday than in any time in history. Stephen well, everyone loves a good trampling. I guess thats right. Stephen its americas running of the bulls. laughter . Seriously gr you dont engage in the black friday . For the widescreen tv . I dont, but i am susceptible to i no longer say, merry christmas, happy hanukkah or happy holidays. I say, merry Retail Shopping season. Thats what it is. But i am susceptible going to buy something and see something to buy for myself. Stephen you are susceptib you think youre buying for someone else, but you get it for yourself . Yes. Stephen thats just selfish. Thats not susceptible. Dont dress that up as something where youre a victim. I am susceptible to selfishness. I suffer from selfishness. I have the heartbreak of selfishness. Stephen theres no cure. Its sweeping the country right now, as a matter of fact. But, yeah, you know, i mean you would think at my age i would no longer be on the pursuit for the perfect pair of jeans, but apparently i am. I still have this idea you havent found the perfect laughter . Stephen how do you wear jeans last for years . Why are you wearing out your jeans so fast, tim daly . I dont know. Im brain washed, i think. I have a problem. Stephen do you like the season itself . Do you get swept up in the pumpkin space gingerbread latteness of it. I love the music and i love being manipulated by merchandising every year. I do. I know its christmas when im crying over songs i havent heard in a no, i do. And, you know, i have a farm in vermont, so i tend to do things like go hold on, hold on, hold on. I have a farm in vermont. So. Youre just farm dropping over here. I have a farm in vermont upon of. Oh, oh,. Stephen is it, like, a working farm . Sort of, yeah. Stephen could you have cows and stuff. Stuff. I have heifers okay, i have a farmer friend who grazes heifers on my pastures so i get cows but none of the work. Stephen youre not a farmer. Youre an exterior designer. laughter . No, and i have a big organic garden they grow and i have chickens and stuff like that. Anyway, but giup there and cut down sometimes my own Christmas Tree and drag it through the woods and the kids have a snow ball fight until someone cries. Its great, i love it. Stephen memories for a lifetime. You are politically involved. You were supporting the hills. An were like, i could totally see trump winning. You said that. Yeah. Stephen you said, its possible for this guy to win. Yeah. Stephen now that he has do you how are you . laughter im just asking a lot of people that,