Transcripts For WPVI Jimmy Kimmel Live 20160702 : vimarsana.

WPVI Jimmy Kimmel Live July 2, 2016

Viewers in oklahoma who are in a state of emergency. Did you hear about this . In oklahoma last night they introduced an emergency bill to keep transgender people from using the bathroom. Thats right. This is the bill. It declares, quote, for the preservation of the public peace, health and safety, an emergency is hereby declared to exist. This would be a good time to call your family members in oklahoma to make sure theyre okay. [ laughter ] how can this be an emergency . How many transgender people can there even be in oklahoma . Four . Who do you call when a man dressed as a woman walks into the ladies room . The Fashion Police . I want you to know that wherever you live, i am here to help you during this time of bathroom emergency. What is going on . Let me tell you something. I have had bathroom emergencies. This is not one of them. [ laughter ] jimmy i once had to abandon my car in the left lane of traffic, get out, and run into a casual asian restaurant called pickup sticks by the way. That was a bathroom emergency. This is ill tell you something. This will all change when im Vice President of these united states. Please, bring out the podium. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i want to have this podium because i have a major announcement to make. My fellow americans, though i have only been officially running for Vice President for eight days, those who know me know ive been fighting for commonsense issues for my entire adult life, and at the top of my list, my number one issue is this. These insanely long receipts they give you at cvs. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] number one. I dont know about you, but i want to live in an america where the receipt you get for buying one roll of toilet paper is shorter than the roll of toilet paper. Ive been talking about this for years. [ cheers and applause ] ive yelled and screamed. To no avail. I personally asked president obama to do something about this. He did nothing, and then something changed. I declared my candidacy for Vice President , and out of nowhere we got a phone call from the president of cvs pharmacy. Her name is helena folkes. Shes with us to make a major announcement. Please welcome helena folkes. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you so much. Welcome. Thank you. Jimmy thank you for coming, helena. Please, tell us why youre here tonight. Well, thanks to you, jimmy, we knew our customers were very concerned about the length of our receipts. Jimmy they were too long they were too long. And while were always worried about the concerns of our customers, when you announced your candidacy for Vice President , we took those concerns even more seriously. Jimmy thank you. [ cheers and applause ] so im here tonight to announce, very pleased to announce that cvs is moving our receipts to be digital. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy no paper. And if youre one of our 70 million extra care members, youll be able to sign up, choose digital receipts and youll never receive a paper printout from us again. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wonderful. That is great news. When will this go into effect . This is starting very soon, and, in fact, it will be available at all 7900 cvs locations by the end of june. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wonderful. I just want to restate, this is all thanks to who . This is all thanks to you, jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] this is all thanks to you, Vice President kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy helena folkes, everyone, from cvs, thank you. Victory thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy before a single vote has even been counted, i am doing things. Youre welcome, america. There you go. There will be no littering when im Vice President either. Oh. Hey. We have a great show for you tonight. Bryan cranston is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] hes a wonderful man and actor. Hes promoting his new hbo movie all the way, which is the story about how president lyndon b. Johnson, lbj, lost his virginity. He went all the way. We get to see all of it. Bryan just had a birthday. Bryan turned 60 in march. Its a milestone, and mtv was on hand to document the whole thing, and they gave us the exclusive premiere. This is exciting because nobody has seen this. Here it is. We are all invited to Bryan Cranstons birthday. [ cheers and applause ] im turning 60 in a few weeks and my super sweet 60th has to be turned. Its my chance to shine sweet 60 so much more to life sweet 60 hi, im Bryan Cranston, sixtime Emmy Award Winning actor. Im sexy. Im cute. And i love the spotlight. Despite my success i still live at home with my mother and father in california. Im their little superstar. You need to have a very good breakfast. Its really important. Have you two booked the Party Planner or what . Im meeting with him tomorrow morning at 9 00 a. M. Were meeting . No, this is my party. Somebody got to watch the budget. Budget . Dad, this is my time to shine bright like a diamond. Shine bright like a diamond. In the sky. I swear to god, if my parents make me plan this party like im a poor person, i will lose my [ bleep ]. [ bleep ] will be lost, bible. We need you to be reasonable. Reasonable . Were you reasonable in skipping my broadway debut because of your dialysis . Did either of you think about my feelings . Oh. Bryan. Just set up the Party Planner. Try to be good parents. Get away from me. Bryan can be difficult, but deep down hes really a sweet boy. Hes an ass. I said it. Write it down. Whos ready to party . Im jimmy kimmel. Im a Party Planner. Ive planned partyies for ice t and coco, all the biggies. Im looking forward to meeting bryan. Our first theme theme, hawaiian bryan. We could have coconuts, or maybe that obese man who sang somewhere over the rainbow, we can get him to come sing. Hes dead. Im so sorry. We have others. Showbiz. Youre in showbiz. Lights, camera, cranston. Wow, how original. No. This is one thats called hats off to bryan, and people would wear different hats . Like fedoras . You are the limp [ bleep ] of ideas. I couldnt believe what he was proposing. I need to make sure that jimmy sees my vision crystal clear. My sweet 60 has to be ferocious. Do you understand . Did he just say ferocious . He did, ferocious. Im so glad you said that, because i do have one more idea. We didnt make a poster for it. But get this. The bryan king. Like the lion king but with your name in place of the word lion. Bryan. The king of the jungle. Roar. Uhhuh, uhhuh. Roaring your way to 60. Okay. Can we get a lion . A real lion . A real lion. Yes. Yes. Of course. Yes. No, i mean one that actually ate some people. Guillermo can get that. Ill take care of it. Hes mexican. One with a crown. Because youd be the king. Bryan, honey, the budget. Bryan, honey, the budget. Shut up, mom. Yeah, mom, could you zip it for a little while . Thank you. This is your own child. Hes your mufasa. Was he the good one . Mufasa . Yeah, he was the good one. This is your lion king. The bryan king. Music. Yes, music. I love that too. I want cisco. Cisco . The thong song, hello. Oh, yeah. The thong yes. The thong song. Such a good song. I think we have a party. Thong thong thong thong thong were a thong wearing family. We all wear thongs. Show us your thongs. Coming up next on my super sweet 60. Yo, thats whack tight. Yeah, and my balls arent giving me camel toe, are they . So much more to life sweet 60 jimmy we have to take a break. When we come back, part two of my super sweet 60. Stick around. [ cheers and applause ] wopen up a lot of dawn. Tough on grease. Yet gentle. Dawn helps open. Something even bigger. Go to facebook. Com, dawn saves wildlife. We asked real people to use on their bums. Why do you think the ripples make a difference . It gets it all clean. They give me a very happy feeling bum. Cleanripple texture is designed to clean better. Go cottonelle, go commando. Its here, but its going by fast. The opportunity of the year is back the mercedesbenz summer event. Get to your dealer today for incredible onceaseason offers, and start firing up those grilles. Lease the c300 for 379 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Choose effortless glide from side to side. Choose kneeloving, underarmcaring, bikini linebearing. Choose venus swirl. With five contour blades and a flexiball, it pivots with every dip and divot. Choose to smooth. Venus swirl. Jimmy welcome back. Tonight Joanna Newsom and anika knownmy rose, but now its time for part two of Bryan Cranstons birthday. Previously on my super sweet 60. My sweet 60 has to be ferocious. The bryan king. I want cisco. I think we have a party. So much more to life sweet 60 i am fully right now. Fully. In addition to jimby and the crown handler, my bestie is coming over to help me pick out the most bombass outfit ever. Yo, make my boy bryan look tight. Tada you look like a sleepy refugee. That hats too hatty. Yo, thats whack tight yeah . And my balls are not giving me camel toe, are they . Thats perfect toe. Thats what im talking about. Yes. Are you ready to try on some crowns . I am. I want to try on some too. No. Its my day. Its my day. May i put this on your head, your majesty . You may. You look great. More. Two. Ha ha ha more. No way. Three. There cant be more than that. Give me another one. Give me another one. No way. I want another one. But theyre stacked so high. I want another crown. Its not safe. Its my party damn amazing. I feel like im so much better than any of you. Ha ha did you find a crown . I found five, dad. Do you need help picking one out . Mom, im not picking one out. I would never be taken seriously if at my own party i wear the same crown all night . But, please, between the crowns and the car you want, we cant afford it. If my parents mention the [ bleep ] budget one more time, i am going to pop off its the crown and the lambo, okay . Thats all i asked for, and the party. Thats it. And sisqo, and that was it. And you guys are so selfish. Come through for your boy. Boom. That is enough of that. You are ruining my party, and you are ruining my life. Okay. You can have three crowns. Five. Okay, five. Were going to be dead soon anyway. Thank you, dad. Ill buy you a beautiful casket. Yeah. Coming up next on my super sweet 60. So far this has been the worst night of my life, and i i dont know how it can get my worse. So much more to life sweet 60 jimmy so the dramatic conclusion, part three of three to my super sweet 60 later on, so stay up. We have a great night. Music from Joanna Newsom, from roots Anika Noni Rose, and well be right back with super sweet Bryan Cranston. [ cheers and applause ] this is my dream car. Yeah, i like this. Ive been waiting to get in this. Real people have a lot to say about the awardwinning vehicles at the chevy 20 sales event. Wow the design is great. I love it. Number one in my book. Thats awesome if you could get 20 cash back on this vehicle, what would you do . I think im going to drive it through that wall and take it. During the chevy 20 sales event, get cash back for 20 of the msrp on many chevy models. Thats 6,900 cash back on this chevy equinox. For the best selection, get to your chevy dealer now is happening now at red lobster. Summerfest and if you love lobster and shrimp,. Check out all these new entrees. Like new coastal lobster and shrimp. With summer ale barbeque sauce,. And new lobster and shrimp overboard. Overboard . Nah,. Its just right. So hurry in. Whos the genius who puts a girl in heels on a subway grate . Miss monroe, eat a snickers. Why . You get a little cranky when youre hungry. Better . Much better. This scene will never make the cut. male offscreen announcer whats it feel like to win the mustang instant game, with top prizes of a hundred grand or a new ford mustang . woman oh my goodness. Woo male offscreen announcer with instant games from the pennsylvania lottery, the instant you play could be the instant you win. Keep on scratchin. Jimmy tonight, from a new, reimagined version of the classic miniseries roots, Anika Noni Rose is here. Then, her new album is called divers, Joanna Newsom from the samsung stage. Next week well be joined by some very big names including donald trump, bernie sanders, johnny depp, colin farrell, kyle chandler, brad paisley, and demi lovato, pink will perform out on hollywood boulevard. And much more. It will be a wonder to watch. Please join us then. Our first guest tonight is one of the great actors with a tony, a golden globe, and six emmys to prove it. He plays lbj in the new movie all the way. Look here. This here is the seal of the presidency of the united states. Theres only two cuff links like this in the entire world, and you now own them both. I want you to wear them. Think about what i said, huh . You look good, bill. Ill bet you dropped a few pounds. Im going to need another set of those cuff links. Jimmy all the way premieres tomorrow night on hbo. Please welcome Bryan Cranston. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy very good to see you. You look very handsome. You know, i wanted to do a little shoutout for guillermo, because every time that there is a red carpet across the street, he is there with the tequila, like a postman, dedicated to delivering his message. Jimmy like that st. Bernard with the rum barrel around its neck. Yes, yes. Well, thats nice. Its a nice thing for you to do. Youre a nice guy in general, and youre fantastic in this movie. Its unbelievable how much you look like lbj and sound like him. [ cheers and applause ] you really became him. I have two facial qualities that i share with lbj that every man would love to have, and thats beady eyes and thin lips. So i had a head start with it. Jimmy i saw you in the broadway play version. That was fantastic. Did you have as much makeup on in that . No, on the play i dont know how to attach the prosthetic make. Very well. So all i did were the ear drops. I glued on these ear drops that added about another inch, inch and a half to the ears. He had huge ears. And that was it. Then i put gray in my hair and accentuated the wrinkles and that sort of thing and put a line for the dimple in his chin. Jimmy one of the great Little Things about lbj is he would hold meetings while he was on the toilet. People would have to come in and talk to him. You say that like its a strange thing. Jimmy the only other person that ive heard, i dont know for sure if they did it or was, tommy lasorda. He supposed to supposedly he would cut players, call them in when he was in the bathroom. So he wouldnt feel bad about being cut. Theyre already feeling bad, like oh, im going to make your life better. Youre cut. You dont have to see me take a crap anymore. Jimmy thats true, though. It is true. He used to put people back on their heels by continuing the conversation from the oval office to the private bathroom. Come on follow me in here, come here, i cant understand what the hell youre saying, come here, come here, sit here, sit here. Hand me that roll of toilet paper there. And he would just do [ laughter ] jimmy how far are we going to take this . [ cheers and applause ] you want me to sign that . Jimmy youve already done that, yeah. By the way, the day we shot your super sweet 16 was the day the New York Times article, it was a conversation, three people, two of them you and president obama. Yeah. Jimmy that was pretty great. Was that fun for you . Oh my gosh. You know it was the idea of the writer of the New York Times, phil, and he had to call the white house first, of course. Jimmy sure. What do you think about this idea . And then they said yes, wed like to do that. Then he called me and so the message i got was we have this table for three idea. The president has already approved. What would you say . Are you in or out . And its like, hm. Uh. You know. Jimmy its nice that they first checked with the president. It would be terrible if they asked you and then they called and said he doesnt want to do it with you. Not going to happen. Jimmy you guys have something in common that you dressed almost identically. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] obama. I said obama, are you there . Are you wearing blue . Im wearing blue. Jimmy so you went for him as halloween, and there you are in the oval office dressed the same. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy they say people like people who dress like them. That was a total accident. Jimmy that was fun to read. That was a lot of fun to read. It was a lot of fun, and i was very honored to be in that office. Jimmy do you do other president s besides johnson . Do you do obama or trump . Do you do any of these guys . I dont do obama. I could do a little bit of bernie. Jimmy good. I want to be in the white house. I will be there. Theres a pathway to the white house. Um, um, i just cant figure out where it is. I need to go to the bathroom. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well come. Bryan cranston is here. His movie is all the way it premiers tomorrow on hbo. When we come back, the conclusion to my super sweet 60. Well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] event is on and zero for 72 is back on 2016 ford focus, fusion and escape. Plus specially tagged vehicles get an extra 1000 smart bonus. That means freedom from interest. And freedom to choose. With ford, americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing for 72 months. Plus, specially tagged vehicles get a 1000 smart bonus. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. Versus the lube strip. With a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor to protect from irritation. Sorry, lube strip. Schick hydro®. Free your skin®. Lliz assumed all dressings were made equal. Assume nothing. Unlike some other guys, these kraft dressings have no artificial flavors no synthetic colors no wonder it tastes so good. We asked real people to use on their bums. Why do you think the ripples make a difference . It gets it all clean. They give me a very happy feeling bum. Cleanripple texture is designed to clean better. Go cottonelle, go commando. And theyre off well, that took a turn. Whats the speed limit in here . Dad should we tell them there are more . Theyll figure it out, eventually. Wait no my computer, no, wait, what are we running after . My stupid, old computer. Well if its so old, why are you chasing it . Is it slow . Weigh a ton . Yeah. Well you know. I know. Todays pcs are faster and lighter, i know. So why are we still running . I dont know. You know about it. Now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Oh, charley horse, charley horse. Call for help, call for h

© 2025 Vimarsana