Im in no condition physically to be hosting anything other than a virus right now. Last night i hosted the emmys. And its weird [ cheers and applause ] weird to come back and do a regular show after doing a big thing like that. And nothing against you guys. But the audience last night was dressed much, much better. [ laughter ] there were no crocs. I didnt see anyones toes or anything. We went to bed very late last night. Last night i went to bed, also at the time it happened to be babe ruths career batting average, 3 42 was the time i went to bed. There was a party after the show so we stayed at a hotel but it had to be at work in the morning. Before bed i called down and i ask the for a wakeup call which is terrible, you have to find the phone, theres no snooze button. The phone rings, i pick it up. A chipper woman says, good morning, this is your wakeup call for 8 00. I said, thank you. She said, its my pleasure. As im hanging up the phone im thinking, if it really is her pleasure to wake people up over and over again every day . Kind of a sick woman, right . [ laughter ] that said, if i was the person who made the wakeup calls at the hotel, id tape record every one of them. [ laughter ] guillermo, you might have to take over tonight. How late were you up last night . Guillermo 2 00 in the morning. Jimmy 2 00 in the morning. You left the party at what time . I left maybe like 1 45. [ laughter ] no, i mean 2 something. Jimmy okay. Guillermo im still drunk. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we have to get our own mugs by the way. I still have the view mug, i mean really. I wanted to do something to get the crowd warmed up before the show so i invited three of the kids from the show Stranger Things, the netflix show, to sing. Theyre great singers. I figured id have them go onstage and sing to get things going. Somebody had to introduce them so i asked guillermo, go onstage, get everybody to quiet down, say here are the kids from Stranger Things doing the song uptown funk. This is behind the scenes video of how that went. How everybody, how you guys doing . Are you guys ready for the show . All right, guys. So shh keep it quiet. Stay in your seat, all right . Come on everybody. Get in your seat. Hi, eric. Hi, how you doing . All right. Shh, keep it quiet, everybody. Please get in your seat, please. Okay. Shh, everybody. Please. Get in your seat, everybody. As soon as possible. The show is about to start. Please. Please, everybody. All right. All right, the show is about to start. But before it start, here are the kids from the Stranger Things. Theyre going to sing, theyre going to perform for us the funk. Uptown funk. Lets watch and enjoy the show, kids [ cheers and applause ] jimmy he really knows how to clean out a room. Your wife came, did your wife have fun . Guillermo a lot of fun. Jimmy everybody had fun. It was much less stressful. This is my second time hosting the emmys. First time i was so nervous and excited, it went by like that. Last night i wore two condoms and it worked like a charm. [ laughter ] heres whats fun about the emmys. Last night i walked into this dinner after the show. The first thing i see is mr. Belding talking to charo. If you dont know who those people are, google them, you wont be disappointed. If you didnt watch the show, watching the football game, reliving the jonbenet case, the big winner was o. J. O. J. Had his best season [ cheers and applause ] its weird for people to clap. The people versus o. J. Simpson took home nine emmy awards. Best actor, actress, supporting actor, writing, best limited series. Even the ford bronco won best midsized Sport Utility vehicle. [ cheers and applause ] game of thrones had a good night. Won best drama, set the record for most emmys won by a series ever, 38 emmys. A bunch of the actors from game of thrones came to our party last night. I have to admit i got a little nervous. On game of thrones, when they have a party, people have a tendency to die violently. [ laughter ] nobody died. The most fun moment of the emmys for me was, this was something ive been planning for a couple of weeks. We were in a commercial break. We came back from commercial. I thought it would be funny to say, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome fourtime Emmy Award Winner dr. Bill cosby. Just to see what would happen. Well, heres what happened. Announcer ladies and gentlemen, fourtime Emmy Award Winner dr. Bill cosby. Jimmy thats what i was thinking might happen. [ cheers and applause ] you know, these award shows are long. With traffic it can take i think it took an hour and a half for a lot of the people to get there, an hour to get in with the red carpet, the show is three hours long and theres no food. You dont eat for five or six hours. I had my mom make Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches for everyone, not as a joke, for sustenance, i knew people would be psyched. We give out the Peanut Butter and jelly. During the commercial break you hear an announcement that says, we are about to serve Peanut Butter sandwiches. If you have an allergy to peanuts please avoid the sandwiches. Right. If youre allergic to peanuts, do not have peanuts. I dont know, im all for safety first, but if you cant figure that out for yourself . You might have bigger problems than being allergic to Peanut Butter. The sandwiches were a big hit. Everybody loved the sandwiches with one exception. You remember the naked supermodel who danced around in the blurred lines video . She apparently did not appreciate my mothers cooking. Do you want to try any of the Peanut Butter and jelly sandwiches . I had one too many bites. You did . I had two which i poorly made . Yeah. Jimmy how dare you attack my mothers cooking. [ audience booing ] its called food, maybe you should try some sometime. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats unacceptable. Now im in a food feud with emily ratatouille or whatever her name is. Im currently in a number of feuds. Matt damon, who tried to ruin the show last night. Maggie smith, who is on the show downton abbey. She wins the emmy almost every year, she never shows up to get it. I called her out. I told her if she wanted it, id leave it in the lost and found at the theater. She responded today on twitter. She wrote, i was very astonished and pleased to win the award. I feel the emmys have been overly generous to me. If mr. Kimmel could please direct me to the lost and found office i will try to be on the next flight. Love old maggie, she wrote. Well, i guess we can send it to her. [ cheers and applause ] we have a couple of real live emmy winners here on the program tonight. From the great new show designated survivor, Kiefer Sutherland is here. [ cheers and applause ] from last week tonight on hbo, john oliver is with us. [ cheers and applause ] john won the emmy for best talk show last night. In a way john and i both won the emmy for best talk show last night. In another more specific way only john won the emmy. Well find out what john and kiefer and everybody did after, no detail will be held back, dont worry. The iphone 7 came out friday which is a big deal and not just here in the United States. In fact, there was quite a bit of pomp and circumstance in denmark too. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy well, more circumstance than pomp but you understand. I have some sad news to report. If youre hoping to pick up one of those olive garden neverending pasta passes, theyre all sold out. All 21,000 passes priced at 100 apiece sold out in one second. And theyre now being resold on ebay for as much as 4,500 each. You know, if you buy this, you really should be kicked off your Company Health care plan. [ laughter ] the deal, if you dont know, you can eat all the pasta you want for a period of seven weeks. If you dont last the full seven weeks theyll dump the remainder of the pasta into your coffin and seal you up. By the way, if olive garden really treated people like family, they wouldnt charge them for food at all. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Hey, donald trump is still running for president. Even after all the jokes last night, Donald Trumps still running. From time to time we like to slow donald down to half speed to really be able to savor his message. Weve done it again in tonights zika virus edition of drunk donald trump. [ tape playing very slowly ] i see a mosquito. Right now i dont like mosquitos too much. Get out of here, you mosquito. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy back to the emmys. Because im very selfabsorbed. We made a video that aired at start of the emmys involving actors from a number of nominated shows and also former republican candidate for president jeb bush made he was great, very high energy by the way. And of course when youre acting you dont always get it right on the first take. Here now are some of the many times we didnt get it right. I hate to call them bloopers because i think dick clark owns that word. Here are the boners and booboos from last nights open at the 68th emmys. Were so pleased that youre hosting tonights academy awards. The emmys. The emmys, oh. Jimmy thats for the blooper reel. Let me out right here. Pull over. Okay, juice. My button just popped. My stomach is out. [ bleep ]. Sorry. Hey, jimmy, im joking. Get out of this car. Youre supposed to leave. Arent you . Its jimmy kimmel. I think were about to make out. Huh . Got a smoke . Oh didnt go off. Dont do it again oh this is when we die. Shave that what am i shaving . Shave that mug off your face shave that wig. Shave that wig off your face, you godless, shameless, stinking hippie wake me up before you gogo dont want to listen i forgot to sing. Want to hear that high yeah, yeah i need to go to the hospital. Jeb exclamation point want to do it again . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hey, look at this. John popper is here with us, everybody. When we come back, guillermo has all the emmy winners so come back, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] hahaha umhmmm hey nikki what are you doing here . You tell me, stephen. What . Im snapping. Youve been streaming my videos all morning. Now youre with this thing . No its not you its verizon they limit my data. I had to choose. Come on, girl. Lets get us a man with unlimited data. Why pay verizon more for data limits . Introducing tmobile one. One price. Unlimited data for everyone. Endless shrimp is back at hold red lobster. Rks. That means you get to try as much as you want. 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They travel a lot. Every four years when we got restationed you think its going to be the biggest change in your life but theres always more changes to come. The first thing that we would do when we would get into our new place was set up the beds. And when i go to t. J. Maxx i buy good quality things that are going to last a long time. Everything i get there, i get at a lower price. Shopping at t. J. Maxx is always like a bonding experience. Discover real value worth sharing. I just think that home, its wherever your family is. Maxx life at t. J. Maxx. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. Now try jim beam apple. Come together to make history. Poured over ice and served with club soda and a fresh lemon wedge. To make a crisp refreshing jim beam apple and soda. As pand we saw a guy who has out pat our backs. Ecord. 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I just bought a new helmet. Oh, okay. Are you wearing high heels . I am. Unfortunately, yes. Do your feet hurt . Do i fit who . Your feet. My feet hurt, yeah. Let me see your shoes. Oh my god. I have something for you. So they can match your emmys. Oh, yes, thank you. In my size as well. Mens 8. Womens 10, perfect. I cant wait to put them on currently right now. Fits like a glove. I hear you do a lot of voices. I do. Yeah, can you do one impression of me . A good voice of guillermo . A voice of guillermo . Like this . Its kind of good, right . It sounds kind of like you. You think people would know the difference . Wow, youre doing such a great job. Thanks a lot. Yeah. You want to play a game with me . Sure. I have the wheel of questions. Just pull the red thing right there. And spin the wheel. Okay. Then when you land, thats the question im going to ask you. Okay. Its landed on money. On money . Do you like money . I love money. How much money do you have . Not a lot. Not a lot . Ha ha ha me neither, ha ha ha you like margarita . We do like a margarita. Whos going to go first . Jordan . Do you want me to go first . Are you sure theres margarita inside of this . Its margarita, i swear, drink it. All right, ready . Do you want me to do it . I want you to do it. Its grossing me out. Mm, mm thats a cadillac. Thats a cadillac margarita. Grand marnier, thats good. Now let him do it. Hes doing it. Hes got it, hes doing it. You feel that . No, i dont feel it. You feel the suction . No, suck it, i dont feel it. I made something just for you. Just for your mom. Okay . For my mom . For your mouth. For my mouth . Your mouth only. Only for my mouth . Hold on. Hold on . Bring it. Its the longest ive ever waited for something to come into my mouth. Ready . Yeah. Now, ready, suck it. Are you going to spit in this . Suck it . I mean drink it, sorry. Suck its better. Im going to suck it. More. Mm no, look, its not moving. More i havent sucked this hard in a long time. You know what, i think me and you can do this all night. Yeah. We really could. I dont have anywhere else to be. Me neither. Okay, great. How strong are you . Not strong at all. Like how im an english person, i dont have much in the way of a muscle mass. I have a concave chest. Im going to give you a test. If you open this pickle jar, this jar of pickles youre giving me the Hillary Clinton test . Yeah. Yeah . Uhhuh. Can i open it . Ill see. Youve got to my hands are very greasy. Oh my god. Oh no. I cant open it. You won tonight . Its not strength based, is it, comedy. Its almost the opposite of that. It rewards the weak. Congratulations on your emmy. Thank you, baby. Can i give you some emmy juice . Whats emmy juice . Tequila. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, here. Emmy juice. Mr. Robert. Thank you. Hey, remember when i was on jimmys show and you said, you whispered in my ear, i think youre going to win the emmy . Yeah. Then it happened. It happened. Cheers, guillermo. Cheers. Felicidadas. Felicidadas. Love you, my man. I love you too. Can i give you a head massage . Yeah. Its cool, youre going to like it. Oh my god, you left. You want to play the wheel of questions . Yeah, lets do it. Pull the red thing over there. Okay. All right. Then spin it and it land and you tell me and i ask you that question. Hair. No, soup. Do you like soup . I love soup. Whats your favorite soup . Chicken soup with rice. Mine is clam chowder. Red or white . White. Eww. Cant do it. Thank you very much. Nothing . Nothing. What a cheapass. Did you say cheapass . No, i said congratulations on your emmy. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy weve all had too much to drink. Thank you, guillermo. Tonight on the show, music from die antwoord, i john oliver is here, john popper is here, be right back [ cheers and applause ] at mercedesbenz, we make every vehicle to be eyecatchingly beautiful. We make them to be exhilaratingly agile. We make them to be meticulously engineered. And for the cla we also made it. For this. The 2017 cla. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. [diggy by ncer ludwig] scalpel. I have no idea what im doing. Im just a tv doctor. I never went to college. scream i dont do blood. But now, thanks to cigna, i can do more than just look the part. Is that a foot . We are the tv doctors of america. And were partnering with cigna to help save lives. By getting you to a real doctor for an annual checkup. So go, know, and take control of your health. Doctor poses. Cigntogether, all the way. [diggy by ncer ludwig] katiejoey, ricky, eileen,hnny, me, and colleen. Immy, all 10 of us raised on a policemans salary and a mom working as a restaurant hostess. Imagine trying to do that today, with washington looking out for the favored few. Ill bring a different point of view to the u. S. Senate working class roots and the mother of three, ill put middle class families ahead of wall street. Im Katie Mcginty and i approve this message because its your turn to get ahead. Jimmy great, john popper sitting in with the cletones. He wrote a book called suck and blow and other stories im thought supposed to tell. Salesmanship. Jimmy its the story where you came to my house to watch football and rowdy rob piper put my friend in the sleeper hole i believe thats in there, you never know. Jimmy get this book, thats a really good story. Yes, ive never seen a live show. Jimmy later on this evening, hes the host of last week tonight for which he won an emmy, the very funny john oliver is here. [ cheers and applause ] then all the way from johannesburg. These guys are something