Jimmy thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. Im jimmy. Im the host. Thank you for watching. Thank you for coming. [ cheering and applause ] thats very nice. I appreciate it. Enough. Im not well, thanks for joining us. You know, we had kind of a flipflop weatherwise. It was a cool 68 degrees here today in los angeles, and 94 in washington, d. C. Today. The temperature was higher than sean spicers Blood Pressure today in washington d. C. [ laughter ] it was another dramatic day in the oval office. Guillermo, you know who works in the oval office . Guillermo the president. Jimmy thats right. What shape is the president of mexicos office . Guillermo i think its a square. Jimmy its a square. [ laughter ] ill say this about our president , President Trump. He comes up with a new twist every day. Senator john mccain last night said the scandal involving former fbi director james comey is reach by the way, betting odds, you can bet on this sort of thing, betting odds on donald trump being impeached are close to even. Theyre close to 5050. Which at in point i have to say melanias looking pretty smart for not moving out of new york, you know. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and then, of course, theres the whole blabbing secrets to the russians thing. Today the department of justice appointed a special counsel to look into all i dont know, former fbi director Robert Mueller is in charge, which is big. Even Vladimir Putin weighed in on it today. He actually offered to help straight the record straight. Translator were seeing political schizophrenia developing in the u. S. I see no other reason for the accusations of trump revealing any secrets to sergei lavrov. If the American Administration agrees, were ready to provide the transcript of lavrov and trumps talks to the u. S. Senate and congress. Jimmy wait, you guys have a transcript and we dont . How is that possible . This explains why the Russian Ambassador insisted donald trump speak directly into the flowers he brought him. [ laughter ] can you imagine a former kgb agent, Vladimir Putin, offering to vouch for our president s credibility . What a love story this is. Its like the notebook 2. [ laughter ] its really beautiful when you think of it that way. Out of all of the hours and hours of cable news coverage, trump and russia yesterday, i would like to offer congratulations to Michael Weiss who got the award for number one moment of the night. Im seeing trump p republicans. Many of them i used the respect by the way, i thought they stood on principal about going after obama, on the middle east and policy. Theyre saying, well, the real problem is not that trump might have blown an israeli spy meaning blew his cover, that is. Jimmy my god. [ cheers and applause ] this president will do anything to stop those leaks. That was on cnn. Of course the coverage was a little more fair and tilted toward trump on fox. This morning on fox ask friends they did Everything Possible to put a positive spin on what many believe was an obstruction of justice. Regarding michael flynn, he said, i hope you can let this go. Now, some people are saying, well, clearly hes ordering the fbi director to end the investigation. You know, some people are saying, does it rise to the level of obstruction of justice . Not so fast. Because youre saying the word hope is the operative word here. I hope you can let it go. Hes not directing him to let it go. Yeah, he said hes a good guy, i hope you can let it go. Jimmy right. He said i hope. Thats not illegal, if you say hope. When obama said hope nobody impeached him. They put it on his posters. [ cheers and applause ] all trump said is i hope you can let it go. Maybe he was singing the song from frozen. We dont know. [ laughter ] those three on fox friends, trump could shoot one of them in the heart live on the air, the surviving two would still defend donald trump. [ laughter ] you know, it is getting increasingly difficult to tell what is true and what isnt. So weve come up with a handy guide to tell the difference between two kinds of news out there. Well start with this. Watch. Theres more breaking news. Indeed another blockbuster revelation, this time from the New York Times which has just published a report saying that President Trump asked then fbi director james comey to end the investigation of michael flynn, the president s former National Security adviser. Jimmy okay. Thats fake news. Anything wolf blitzer says is fake news and theres three ways of telling. Number one, its mean to President Trump. Number two, it is negative. And number three, thats it, there is no number three. [ laughter ] now lets look at the other category of news. All right. Some inventive Young High School students became fast friends with President Trump showing off their awardwinning science project at the white house. A giant model rocket inscribed with big bold gold capital letters bearing its namesake, trump. How did you come up with the name trump . Does anybody have an idea . Simply because he conquers all. Oh. Jimmy all right. So that is fox news. There are three ways of telling its fox news. Number one, its nice to the president. Number two, it is positive. And number three, it has nothing to do with anything going on in the world. Okay . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so lets recap. This is fake news. What we see is a presidency starting to come apart. Jimmy okay. And this is fox news. Its okay if you dont like trump. Im not mad about that. But how about filling some potholes in, you know, and arresting some public urinators . Jimmy yes, those are the leakers we need to find, the public urinators. [ cheers and applause ] its as simple as that. So the president was in connecticut today to give a commencement speech at the u. S. Coast Guard Academy and for once he didnt make it about himself. To his credit he put all of the stuff going on aside to place the focus where it should be, on the young graduates on their special day. Look at the way ive been treated lately. [ laughter ] especially by the media. Thank you, everybody. Great honor. Good luck. Enjoy your life. [ laughter ] jimmy enjoy your life. [ cheers and applause ] enjoy your life. Is that a commencement speech or you just break up with them . Enjoy your life. [ laughter ] meanwhile, the race for 2020 is shaping up. According to a new Public Policy poll, if he ran for president , dwayne the rock johnson would beat donald trump 42 to 37 . [ cheers and applause ] you know polls are never wrong. I think an actual rock might beat donald trump at this point. The thing is the rock, dwayne said he is considering this. He said in an interview with gq last week theres a real possibility he would run for president. While it may sound crazy, when you really look at it he has qualifications to be president. Hes served in the military. Hes worked in the cia. He handled natural disasters. He protects our oceans. And he can handle the tooth. So you know, its not so outrageous. [ cheers and applause ] i would consider it. It would be funny if in the future when kids learn about president johnson they ask, you mean lyndon, arnold, or the rock . [ laughter ] what a race that would be, the donald versus the rock. It would be the greatest race for president pay per view event of all time. The stage is set. White house title holder donald trump. Im here to challenge you. Defends his belt against the rock. You come out here, you run down our country. Its a country we love. Its a country were proud of. I think im stronger than you. We dont boo you because you support russia. Get ready to dwayne the swamp at electomania 2020. Running around here looking like a big fat bowl of fruity pebbles. Its an allout smackdown of democracy. Youre right. He is scared. Youre right. Were looking at what would happen if a homeless lumberjack banged an oompa loompa. Electomania 2020, only on cspan 2. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were going to take a break. When we come back, makes mischief at costco. So stick around. We will be right back. [ cheers and applause ] dicky Abcs Jimmy Kimmel live, brought to you by the mazda cx5. You know how your hair tangles the minute you wash it . New pantene. The first shampoo with active prov nutrient blends fueling hair 100 stronger thats instantly smoother and tangle free. Because strong is beautiful. Choose your favorite pasta,or piadina or sandwich. It all comes with our neverending soup or salad. And all the breadsticks you want. Starting at just 6. 99 get neverending value for lunch, today at olive garden. Now look what you made me do you and me baby it takes two bringing new moves to the Old School Time for the whole world to enjoy the view we can go left they can go right save me a dance for the end of the night when im with you its a party dont care where were going 1, 2, 3 get loose no it takes two to make a thing go right it takes two to make it out of sight. Dude. Your crunchings scaring the fish. Dude. Theyre just jealous. New kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. excited i got one jokingly guess were having cereal for dinner. New kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry in the mirror everyday. When i look when i look in the mirror everyday. Everyday, i think how fortunate i am. I think is today going to be the day, that we find a cure . I think how much i can do to help change peoples lives. I may not benefit from those breakthroughs, but im sure going to. Im bringing forward a treatment for alzheimers disease, yes, in my lifetime, i will make sure. 5 truth or dare is back. But the way we watch it is not. So, lets do something else. Like what . Like, watch tv wherever. Whats that supposed to mean . It means, anywhere. In a car . Yep. Oof. But not like that. Like this. Oooh, family boat trip yeah. And check this, record as many shows as you want. What . What . I just got chills. I know tv, like, made for us. Finally finally. Yeah. Finally. Wait, thats way cheaper than cable. Abreak through your allergies. . Try new Flonase Sensimist allergy relief instead of allergy pills. Its more complete allergy relief in a gentle mist experience youll barely feel. Using unique mistpro technology, new Flonase Sensimist delivers a gentle mist to help block six key inflammatory substances that cause your symptoms. Most allergy pills only block one. And six is greater than one. New Flonase Sensimist changes everything. Jimmy hunter hayes is sitting in with the cletones tonight. Welcome, hunter. [ cheers and applause ] Kelly Rorhbach, music from paramore and Bryan Cranston are here too. We dont hear much good news lately, but this is an encouraging report. According to the centers for disease control, american teenagers are drinking less than they have in a long time. Teen Alcohol Consumption is the lowest its been since 1991. I guess its hard to drink when your hands are always texting. [ laughter ] i dont know if it is good i dont know if teenagers are drinking less because theyre smoking more pot or what. But while it is good for our kids and their health and safety, this is not particularly good news for everyone. Hello, teens. Its me, your parents liquor cabinet. Recent reports say youve cut way down on drinking, and thats great. For you. But teen drinking is my only chance to get rid of some of these bottles way in the back, the ones your parents would never miss, like galliano. What is it . All i know is its a weird bottle and i want it out. How about that apricot brandy back there . Just as sweet coming up as it is going down. This prom season, stop by, say hello. Pick up a half a bottle of amaretto. Ill hold your hair for you. Thanks, guys. Jimmy all right. [ cheers and applause ] something to think about anyway. So from time to time we send my cousin sal out of the office to have some fun with his fellow man, and one of the spots where he really shines is costco, where the return counter suddenly becomes a very confusing place. Take you over here, sir. These were absolutely awful. Im going to return them. What happened . I bought them but theyre so terrible. Theyre all dry. I just couldnt eat them. You couldnt . Yeah. What is this, real chicken jerky . Yeah. Buffalo style . The problem is with these like edible items oh, you cant . No, i can, but the customer has to prove to me they dont enjoy it. I tasted them, theyre terrible. I know, but i have to get a picture of you not enjoying it. Okay. Forget it. What do you mean . No, no okay. Let me get a picture. Ill give you your money back. Hold it okay. But you have to be biting it. Hold on one second. Hold on. But be like ew, you know, you dont want to eat it. Wait, hold on. Maybe but i have to here, put it back. Okay. Now maybe throw your head back a little bit. A little more in your mouth, a little more in your mouth. You really, really despise it, right . You know what i mean . I cant do it anymore. Why . No, i have to get the perfect picture. You spit all over that. Okay. Go ahead. Okay, on three. One no, go ahead. One, two, three, just bite down on it. Like a little a little sexier. Give me sultry. Maybe like a wink . Maybe a little wink . Sorry. Okay. One thats pretty good. All right. Now hold it to your mouth. Now say, i hate it, i hate it. I hate it. All right. Spit up a little bit on it. Maybe spit up. Try to vomit. [ laughter ] hes right. Thats terrible. Dont buy that. How are you doing . Welcome to costco. What do you have here . My wife bought this for christmas for somebody and she never gave it to them. Uhoh. So were bringing it back. What happened . Whats going on . Trouble at home . No, why . Shes buying gifts for other fellas. No, she buys shes got seven brothers. She buys for everybody. Seven brothers and two sisters shes got. All right. This is worth 90. Im going to give you double the value of these sweat pants if youre willing to play crab claw wiffle ball. You ready . No, im not going to play. I think youll do it. Heres what were going to do. Double your money. Heres your crab claw bag. Hold that for a second. Hold that. Its frozen. I know. Its not going anywhere. Take a step back. Im going to pitch one to you. If you hit it over my head, you get twice the value of the sweat pants. Why dont you ask somebody else to do all of this . Youre going to do great. Come on. Youve got to be crazy. Whos your favorite baseball player . Mickey mantle. The mick could hit it a mile. Do him proud. Go ahead. Go ahead, just step back. Im going to throw you ill walk it to you. Im not going to do that. Two hands, come on. Im not going to do this. Hey, how come hes so crazy and youre not . Im not crazy. Dont answer that. Two hands. This thing is leaking. I know, lets do it quick. Do it quick. Two hands. No. Come on, mickey mantle. Come on. Two hands. Ready . [ cheers and applause ] home run. Very nice. All right. Im going to need you to pee in a cup. I have to check you for steroids. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thanks, cousin sal. Tonight on the show from the new baywatch movie Kelly Rorhbach is here. We have music from paramore. Hunter hayes is sitting in with the cletones, and well be right back with Bryan Cranston. [ cheers and applause ] dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by xyzal. Be wise, all. Try new xyzal. That. Uhop, oh okay were moving fast. 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