Panic at the disco, and featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 606 kentucky steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, hey, everybody please, enjoy yourselves. Welcome. Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show, baby [ cheers and applause ] thank you thank you for being here. Hot crowd. This is fun. Well, heres what heres what people are talking about, tomorrow is the president ial inauguration. [ audience groans ] people [ laughter ] people from all across country will be there. But dont worry if you cant make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing. So this [ cheers and applause ] live the whole time. Actually, i read that donald trump apparently wrote a a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, is boobs spelled with two os or three . [ laughter and applause ] booooooobs. Now trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. Steve really . [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah. At the tonight show, i dont know how we steve wow. Howd you do that . Jimmy i dont know how we did, but we just got it. Steve thats crazy. Jimmy yeah. Steve security is lax jimmy so check these out [ light laughter ] this first line trump threw away, was four score and seven bankruptcies ago. [ laughter and applause ] you dont wa t jimmy then he tried, read my lips. No new taxes for me. [ laughter and applause ] and finally he tried, dwight d. Eisenhower said, any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy and to that i say, why not both . [ applause ] so i cant wait to see what he ends up using. Hes very exciting. Steve winwin. Jimmy get this. I read that one of the djs at Donald Trumps inauration celebration used to be hugh hefners personal dj. Yeah. When asked how he became a dj for both hugh hefner and donald trump, he said, im not a very good dj. [ laughter and applause ] if you must know. And this concerned a few people here. The New York Times said that after being nominated for energy secretary, rick perry apparently didnt know that meant hed be in charge of Americas Nuclear weapons. Yeah. Not great for [ light laughter ] not great for a man whos most famous for saying this jimmy yeah i [ laughter and applause ] no. No oops. Oops . But this is interesting. Donald trump has reportedly asked 50 senior obama officials to stay under his administration. Thats right, they include National Security adviser, brett mcgurk. Dea official, chuck rosenberg. And president barack obama. And hes just like [ cheers and applause ] ill come by ill come by once a week and check in. You take care of it. Thank you, barack. [ light laughter ] this is kind of nice. I read that Donald Trumps daughter ivanka recently spoke with Michelle Obama and the conversation lasted a whole hour. Finally michelle was like, okay, ivanka. Ill buy the damn purse. [ laughter ] just give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. All right. Guys listen to this. I read that denver is attempting to become the first city in the u. S. To allow marijuana in all public places. [ cheers ] you could tell by [ applause ] you could tell by some of the signs theyre putting up at local establishments. Here, take look at this sign from a mall. It says, you are here, but, like, where [ laughter and applause ] we have a great show tonight, guys. Give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, everybody, hello welcome hey, guys, look what arrived in the mail this morning. We got a peoples choice award [ cheers and applause ] we got a peoples choice award for favorite late night talk show host. So i just want to thank the people. [ cheers and applause ] and whoever made this beautiful award, itsprobably waterford crystal, or something. Steve great. Jimmy but look how gorgeous this thing is. Its nice its nice right . Steve beautiful. Jimmy its pretty gorgeous. Anyways, its an honor. Steve yeah. Jimmy and thats always fun. So thank you guys so much. Were happy to have this. [ cheers and applause ] need awards. We have enough that were so happy, like, with this job. Were so lucky to have this, but this is icing on the cake. So thank you very much. Uh, its been a great week so far. Theres more ahead. Tomorrow night, james spader will be here. [ cheers and applause ] big sean big sean with be here. Steve big sean. Jimmy and i love this guy. Science expert Kevin Delaney will all be here. And theyre going to [ cheers and applause ] have fun. Steve i love that dude. Jimmy he blows things up. Hes really good. Then, of course, we have thank you notes. Because its friday. You dont want to miss it. Its a good show tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] but first, have a fantastic show tonight. This guy is hosting saturday night live for the first time this weekend with musical guest big sean. The hilarious aziz ansari is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] steve aziz jimmy the best. Steve the best dude. Funny dude. Jimmy i love that guy. He is so funny. Aziz is going to catch us up about everything hes got going on. Then he and i are doing a fun new bit called, dramatic yelp reviews. Steve ooh. [ light laughter ] jimmy theyre all real. Steve theyre all real. Jimmy its pretty crazy. Plus you know her and love her also of course being hilarious on portlandia. Carrie brownstein is here tonight. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] all right jimmy im so excited shes here. Steve love her. Jimmy and we have music from panic at the disco, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] steve oh jimmy death of a a bachelor this song this is my jam. This this death of a a bachelor song is remember . I played it for you like 100 times. Steve 1,000 times. Jimmy yeah. I just i think its the most innovative song of the year. I know theyre up for, what . Best rock album at the grammys . Steve yeah. Jimmy they should its amazing. But theyre playing with the roots tonight and they are going for it. They are going for it. [ cheers ] tonight is the night to watch. This guy the lead singer guy, would you say he like does like its almost like crooning. Almost like a frank sinatray type of song. And then he just breaks out, and starts hitting high notes and let me give you a little taste of this death of a bachelor, just so you see what type of jam to expect, and how im going to rattle your television set. Steve you think jimmy here we go. Death of a bachelor oh oh oh letting the water fall the death of a bachelor oh oh oh seems so fitting for jimmy here he goes. Steve get ready. Happily ever after woo how could i ask for more death of a bachelor at the expense of the death of a bachelor jimmy thats it right there. Steve wow. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy panic at the disco steve oh. [ cheers and applause ] [ falsetto ] woooo jimmy good gosh, he went for it on that song. Thats the jam right there, man. Oh, my god. Guys it is time for tonight show hashtags. Here we go. [ cheers and applause ] Hashtags Hashtags jimmy hey, guys we use twitter on our show every single week. So if you watch sh you want to play along, we do this thing every wednesday where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. So since obama is moving out of the white house tomorrow, i went on twiter and sent out a a hashtag called timetomove. [ light laughter ] and i asked you guys to tweet out a weird, funny, or embarrassing thing about a a place that you lived. We got thousands of tweets. In fact, it was a trending topic in the u. S. So thank you for the tweets. [ cheers and applause ] you know when you just know that its time to move. Oh, yeah. So now heres some of my favorite timetomove tweets from you guys. This first ones from paultrafga. He says, some of my mattress springs broke. So for a year and a half i just slept on our pool table. [ laughter ] yeah. All right, time to move. Yeah. Slept on the pool table. Steve god. [ laughter ] jimmy this steve what does that have to do with moving . Get a new mattress. Jimmy yeah, i you just got to figure things you gotta figure your life out, at that point. You go steve metaphorically move. Jimmy its not like three weeks. Steve no, no, no. Jimmy a year and a half. Steve ar it yeah. Steve i got to get outta here jimmy i got to steve why are you so sore . Jimmy enough is enough, man. Steve im trying to sleep here. Jimmy ive got to get to bed. Will you stop playing . I got to go to bed. I got an exam tomorrow. Steve left ball. Side pocket. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy woo steve dont panic. Jimmy this ones from hollynheron. She says, my old roommate accidentally set our kitchen on fire one night, but didnt wake me up because he didnt want me to be mad. [ laughter and applause ] wake me up theres a fire in the house [ coughing ] this ones from lj6000. She says, possum was living in the laundry room. Landlord didnt do anything because he said, people seem to like it. [ laughter and applause ] hes friendly. Steve hey, man. Jimmy he doesnt bite. Steve hes got pockets. Jimmy yeah, hes pretty cute, man. Steve yeah. He plays dead jimmy get to know him. Get to know him, man. Steve come on, man. Jimmy this ones from alisonewynn. She says, came home to a note on the front door that said, dont come in yet. Its fine. Dont worry. But dont come in. [ laughter and applause ] steve what . What is going something that can be repaired. Jimmy this is from thebrenpire. He says, my old landlord explained our low ceiling by saying, people were a lot smaller 100 years ago. [ laughter ] okay. Steve i think thats time not to move in. Jimmy youve got to you cut your spine down a a little bit. Steve yeah. Jimmy youll have a lot of room then. Steve take your shins, cut them in half, glue them together. Youll walk around this place like a king. Jimmy hey [ laughter ] steve get on your knees. Get some knee pads. You know, dorf . Dorf on golf . Jimmy you ever limbo . Steve yeah. [ laughter ] limbo through the front door. Jimmy thats how you get in and out. Steve thats great exercise. Its like yoga. Jimmy great it works the core. Steve yeah. Jimmy i personally have lost five pounds limboing. Steve in one week. Jimmy in one week. Steve my calf muscles are so strong i can bust a sock [ laughter ] it inflates like a water balloon. Jimmy yeah. Steve its crazy, man. Jimmy the elastic cant handle. Steve you want to live the life you live, go ahead, man. Jimmy hey, you do whatever you want. You dont have to live here if you dont want to. I dont care. Steve yeah. Jimmy im just saying. Its a great place. People were a lot smaller then. Steve its historically accurate. You want me to call the Historical Society and tell them were going tear down this old place . Because some giant came in and wants to live here . [ laughter ] well, no thank you im not changing the declaration of independence either jimmy please, good day to you, sir. [ slap ] good day to you, sir. [ light laughter ] this ones from mosnarf. Steve mo snarf. Yeah whats up, snarf . Less snarf . Jimmy no. This is mo snarf. Steve okay. [ light laughter ] jimmy she says, the electric gate leading into our driveway has never worked right. So we just slam the car into it until it opens. [ laughter and applause ] thats perfect. Thats perfect. Steve thats it. Thats using your bean. Jimmy thats exactly right. This one is from bzevotek. Steve hmm. Jimmy cool last name. [ light laughter ] you know any zevoteks . Steve zevoteks . No . Jimmy zevotek . Steve i know zantac. [ light laughter ] jimmy zantac . Steve yeah, i took it for my tummy. [ laughter ] jimmy this ones from bzevotek. He says, my apartments shower ceiling was four feet tall and two walls angled inward. I had to shower like a troll getting hit by sunlight. [ laughter ] steve hey, man. People were a lot shorter back then. Jimmy hey, people were a a lot shorter, and they rarely showered. Steve take a bath, man. Take a bath in the sink. Jimmy take a bath im not going to tell you how to live your life. You want to live somewhere . You want to live in a mansion . Go right ahead. Steve but im telling you, thats how our forefathers did it. Jimmy yeah. Steve its good enough for them the writers of the constitution. Its good enough for me. Jimmy they used to take out their loofa, and bath and body works. Steve sure. They use the jimmy shower gel. Steve they used the toilet as a sink. [ laughter ] thats the way you got to do it, man. This wasnt always a bathroom. Jimmy this was scurvy room for a while. Scurvy room . I dont know. You want me to call the Historical Society . Steve yeah, go for it jimmy i dont have the number. I dont have the number on speed dial [ laughter ] steve all right, okay. Jimmy come on, man. Steve its 18,000 dollars a month. Jimmy siri, whats the number to the Historical Society . Steve beep. Did not catch that. [ light laughter ] jimmy whatever. Im so mad right now. So youll take the apartment . [ light laughter ] last one steve do you like possums . Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] we trained a possum to do your laundry. I mean, is that going to put it over the edge . Steve thats going to put it over the edge . Jimmy youre going to love this possum. Steve lets say youre downstairs, youre doing laundry. You drop a bunch of m ms. You dont even have to pick them up. A possum will eat the whole thing. [ laughter ] you drop cheetos onto the floor jimmy you ever seen zootopia . Steve yeah. Jimmy you liked it, didnt you . Steve yeah. Jimmy youve got a real life possum, living with you. Steve well, there you go. I guess you hate possums. Yuck. Jimmy good day to you, sir. Jimmy this last ones from autumnsprabary. She says, i lived in an apartment that had black mold growing on the air conditioner. Maintenance fixed it by spray painting it white. Well, there you go. Out of sight, out of mind. [ laughter and applause ] there you have it. Those are tonight show hashtags. To check out more of our favorites, go to tonightshow. Comhashtags. Stick around, well be right back with aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] hello moto. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. To help provide access to cleanh water to womeng and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Versus a lube strip. With a hydrating gel reservoir that gives you 40 less friction. Its designed like no other razor sorry, lube strip. Schick hydro®. Free your skin®. That i was on the icelandic game show. And everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me put that down. Thats expensive. Of course i save people an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we are joined right now by one of the most popular standups working today, as well as the Emmy Award Winning star of the Netflix Series master of none. This weekend he hosts saturday night live for the very first time with musical guest big sean, please welcome, a very funny man. Aziz ansari, everybody [ cheers and applause ] jimmy looking good, buddy. Welcome back to the show. Thanks so much. A pleasure to be here as always. Jimmy congrats on everything. Thanks. Jimmy i have to say, the last time you were here we were talking about master of none and i was just gushing over it, cause gosh, you did a great job. Thank you, thank you. Jimmy and your whats your writing partner . Alan . Alan yang, yeah. Jimmy fantastic show. You won an emmy . We did, yeah. Jimmy and i was so happy for you, dude [ cheers and applause ] i was like yeah, yeah. Jimmy well done, man. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy and thats fun, and i saw, for the Emmy Campaign, that was we were out in l. A. To go to the emmys. And i saw, theyre using your dad. Yeah. Jimmy your dad was in the Emmy Campaign the billboard here of your dad here. Yes. Thats him. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy [ indiscernible ] yeah, those those are real quotes that were said about him. [ light laughter ] my dad who is not an actor, but a gastroenterologist. And that was the ad for him to get outstanding guest actor. I cant remember who ended up winning but like, there was the best part was one article did have him as a likely nominee. [ laughter ] like, hollywo reporter or someones like, predicted nominee, shoukath ansari, larry david [ laughter ] jimmy and how is your dad handling it all . Is he just like, this is crazy . I mean, he was he was constantly bringing up the billboard in conversation. Like [ light laughter ] there would be, my mom wouldve said, like, their like at a a dinner party, and someones like, yeah anyway, hes probably going to be in the hospital for a while. And my dads like, what about this billboard . Have you seen this . [ laughter ] jimmy doesnt care what anyones talking about. He wants to talk about him. Does he like, give notes about the show, when youre filming . Or is it oh, yeah. I mean, he used to pitch stuff for parks and rec, a show he wasnt even on. So now hes on [ laughter ] hes on the show and hes always just like texting me ideas, silly things that happen in the hospital. [ light laughter ] verfunny. We just finished filming season two, and hes [ cheers and applause ] yeah. Jimmy heres a picture of your dad and mom at the emmys. Very proud. [ audience aws ] yeah. Jimmy proud parents watching their kid win. Thats awesome, buddy. Yeah, yeah. Jimmy season two, so netflix called you, they say hey, dude, season one was so great. We love it. Lets do season two . Yeah. They wanted a season two, and they wanted to go back right away. And i was like, i just finished. I dont want to do that. And so i moved to italy for a a while to to learn how to make pasta. [ laughter ] jimmy how great is that . That you can just do that . I love that you did that. Where did you go . I lived in a town called modena, for a couple of months, and yeah. I learned how to speak italian and it was fun. Jimmy no way. Did you eat so much pasta . I did. I was i was a chubbier version of the man you see right here. Yeah. [ light laughter ] jimmy people are in pretty decent shape for all the pasta they eat out there. You know, i was there. And i was like, oh you know, im im not gaining any weight and then i went back to visit some of my friends there, and i brought like one of my friends from here, and theyre like, oh, you should have seen aziz when he was living here. He was like [ laughter ] and i was like i didnt realize i was ballooning up, man. Someone should have said something. Jimmy yeah, no. Then i, then i saw this photo i think you put on instagram, this is yo