Stephen stephen stephen. Jon yeah stephen whats going on, jon. Good to see you. cheers and applause hey youre very nice. Oh, the people wonderful. What a lovely crowd. Welcome to the late show. Im stephen colbert. Everybody feeling good . cheers and applause nice. People are excited about joe biden is about. cheers and applause i wish that was for me. Big political news today is that al gore went to trump tower yesterday to talk Climate Change with donald trump. Yeah, yeah. applause first half of the meeting was convincing trump that al gore chinese. When gore emerged from the meeting, i gotta say he was passionately noncommittal. I found it an extremely interesting conversation and to be continued. laughter stephen extremely interesting and to be continued, two things that have never been used to describe al gores political career. laughter jon hey Stephen Keith keep breathing. Me ilanwh te,rumps twitter stream is just as polluted as ever. This morning he issued this tweet yeah, just cancel. Just treat a 4 billion plane like a pizza from grub hub. I hope boeing wasnt close to finishing it. Its kind of a custom order. I guess they could put it on the Seattle Craigslist available bulletproof 747 that can outmaneuver a hellfire missile. 4 billion, or best offer. Serious inquiries only. And then later, trump put his tweet where his mouth is. We want boeing to make a lot of money, but not that much money. Okay . Thank you. laughter stephen a sentimen make America Great again. Not that great. laughter cheers and applause . . . Now, after the comments, boeings stock took an immediate sharp turn downward. I dont know if donald Trump Realizes that for the next four comments could shake the stock market. He could cause the next Great Depression with a bad yelp review of taco bell. Gordita supreme tastes so authentic, im having it deported. cheers and applause now, a lot of worried people out there are trying to keep trump from being president , even at this point. A member of the Electoral College named christopher souprun, justot why i will not cast my electoral vote for donald trump. He said trump is unfit for office and as evidence he cites donald trump. This makes souprun, called a faithless elector, also a lifetime movie about a wife having an affair with a voting machine. This guy suggests that instead of trump, republican electors Governor John Kasich of ohio. Come on its a protest vote. You can pick anyone on the planet, and you choose john kasich. Thats like a jeanie giving you three wishes and you saying, ill take three old navy giftcards. Theyre great by the way. Obviously, one of your wishes would be for an old navy giftcard. Speaking of gift guys use amazon . Of course you do. Where else are you going to go at 4 00 a. M. To buy a tent, a nose hair trimmer, and a clarinet . They suggest those together. Hair trimmer and clarinet look alike. Dont mix those up. Theyre very painful but sound beautiful. Well, amazon has announced that it is opening a line of brick andmortar Grocery Stores called amazon go, which, according to their website, is a new kind of enter the store, take the products you want, and go ive done that. Its called stealing. laughter just take it and go. applause . . . Just think no checkout means never again will you get stuck in line behind some old person counting change. Now youll get stuck in line behind an old person trying to install an app on their smartphone. Anyway, good luck, amazon. I just hope nobody comes up with a way to buy stuff on the internet, or these stores are going to get crushed. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Vice President Joe Biden is here. Stick around. . I tried hard to quit smoking. . But when we brought our daughter home that was it. . 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Thats right, dads calling a family meeting. cheers and applause grunts hey, buddy. Take a load off. Listen. I was hoping we could have a little rap session here, you know, connect, just sort some stuff out like you gotta do every so often. But, you know, im really a around here. Thats why ive also invited a father figure who has Actual Authority your pops, joe. Come on here. Good to see you, pops. cheers and applause its so important you do this every so often. Its so important to have these meetings. I know. Exactly. So, listen. cheers and applause all right, sit down, fella. Sit down. We have to talk. You cant clap your way out of this meeting. We have to talk about this. Hey, champ. How you doing . Stephen pops and i are worried about the sudden changes. We know youre worried about the changes the family is going through. Happens to every family. But im telling you, this terrible feeling youre having right now . Its not permanent. It will be over in four years maybe 8. Theres an old saying in this family life is like a grandfather clock. Stephen exactly, life is like a grandfather clock maybe the pendium has wing to one side but it the swing back to the other. Point is, you should probably get a newer clock. Or better yet, just look at your phone. Stephen time is right on there. Hey, buddy, were not done. Sit down. Do you need some bug spray for the ants in your pants. Thats a dad joke. Get used to. Theres Something Else we need to talk to you about. Look, were not mad. Were just disappointed. Stephen im actually mad. Im actually very mad. We overheard you using some pretty salty language the other day. We know youre better than that. We tonight want to hear those swear words from you hogwash or baloney or malarkey. Theyre going to bleep half of that. Im sorry. Im so gosh darn disappointed that is the angriest i have ever seen this man look what you did sorry, im sorry. Stephen look what you did to your pop you made him say the d word. Are you going to be okay . I think so so. Stephen look, i dont mean to come down tow hard on you, buddy, i just dont think its well, i do, i do. Look, here are some leftover fireworks. I want you to take them, i want you to go out, and i want you to go out and have some fun, have some fun. You know,un, you dont you know, you know, kiddo, dont think i havent noticed youve been cutting some corners when youve been mowing the lawn lately. Stephen yeah, yeah. Thats a thing in this family, life is like a grandfather clock no, no, we already did that. We already did that. Stephen the saying . The saying is, any job worth doing is worth doing well. Stephen okay, you have to always do your best to mow the lawn. It doesnt matter that somebody else is about to get the job of mowing the lawn after you, even though as far as you can tell, that person has never touched a lawnmower in his life. laughter applause look, look, look, kid, it doesnt matter who is mowing it. Were all responsible for its upkeep. And ive got to believe that in their heart, the next mower is is going to do the best they can to make sure that lawn, that everyone feels safe to have a picnic on it. laughter . Stephen thats a beautiful metaphor. laughter . Metaphor . Metaphor. Okay. Look, im talking about mowing the lawn. What are you talking about . Stephen same thing. Im talking about the same listen, buddy, just remember, when youre doing a job, always give 110 and always respect your boss. Especially if he has the Nuclear Launch codes. laughter . Stephen good point. Listen to this man. And you know what . You know what . Heres heres 20 bucks. Go have some fun. Hey, you know, you know what i need to borrow that 20 bucks. laughter applause you know im im losing my stephen oh, youre losing your job. Oh, yeah, thats right. So what are you going to do next, bosdz . Well, im going to follow my passion, you know, speedboat racing. I love danger, you know. And you got your whole life ahead of you, kid. Stephen yeah, youve got your whole life ahead of you. Dont listen to him. Speak of life i think its maybe time we had the talk. Dont be embarrassed up here. Dont be embarrassed. Perfectly natural. Pops, tell him about the birds and the bees. Heres the deal theyre disappearing at an alarming rate. laughter applause both birds and bee populations. Theyre plummeting. Theyre plummeting. Stephen you know what would get those populations back up . Sex. But youre too young to know about that stuff. Look, go ask your mother. You know, you know, what. Youre a kid kid. Here heres 20 bucks from your pop. Go have some fun grrm that we President Joe Biden. But we love you, we love you. . . . applause hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. Stella artois. Host one to remember hey barbie do you have anything i can borrow for the Holiday Party . 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Knights in shining armor . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome folks, my first guest tonight is the 47th Vice President of the United States. Please welcome Vice President joseph biden. . Joe Biden Joe Biden . Joe Biden Joe Biden . Joe biden . Joe biden . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Its great to be back. Stephen so nice to see you again. Good to see you, pal. Stephen well, this is the first time weve spoke own air in over a year, and it is the First Television interview youve done since the election. Some people were shocked that night. Some people were quite surprised. What was that night like for you . Well, ive been in a closet since then. I havent come out no. laughter look, it was a it was a it was disappointing, to state the obvious. And but there were signs toward the end that this was going to be a lot closer than we thought. Hillary did get 2. 5 million more votes, but the truth of the matter is. cheers and applause but, by the way, this is fair were a republic. And thats the way it works. But i did a total of 84 Campaign Events for her, and toward the end, you could feel there was there was a change. Because this was the there was hardly any discussion about any issues in this campaign. And i remember getting off the plane i guess i was going to cleveland and speaking to a large crowd of a couple of thousand people, and i said what really has me upset is the fact covered these sort of outrageous assertions that have been made, and and there was no discussion of the things that elections are supposed to be about, a referendum on ideas and about what weather what were going to do about education or jobs o or foreign policy. And i, you know, the campaign knew at that time that that the concern was whether there was going to be enough turnout among millennials and there was in fact turned out very closely but went the other way. Stephen well, the last time you were here, you hadnt made up your mind yet as to whether you were going to run for president. And i asked you at the time, and you couldnt give me an answer at the time. And youve said that you have regretted every day not running. Was there a particular day or days. laughter because for me it was november 9 bthree weeks ago. laughter but was there a day in the last year tt had jumped in . Look, let me be clear. About the regret. I know i made the right decision for my family. I know i made the right decision im not sure i would have been able to put my whole heart into it. But what i regret is the circumstance that led me not to be able to run. I do think that i its a terrible thing to say, on many peoples minds, but do i think i i i i did, because i mean i thought the issues that are of greatest concern were in my wheelhouse, things ive dealt with my whole career. So in that sense, im disappointed that im not going to be in a position to be making some of those decisions. But i dont regret the actual decision. The decision was the right decision for me to have made. And by the way, you know, i learned you want to become the most popular guy in america . Announce youre not announce youre not run, and, boy, everything moves in a direction. Who knows what would have happened had i run . Stephen well, we might find out because yesterday were you were on capitol hill when you were asked by a reporter, are you going to run for office again . Is it and you said and i quote, yeah, i am, im going to run in 2020. Reporter, for what . For president , so, you know, what the hell man. Well, look, stephen, i know, i did that for one reason. So i could announce now im not running and be popular again. laughter i mean, because i learned. Stephen theres no way . You didnt mean that . What the hell, Vice President . Look, ive become you and i talked about this in a different context before. Im a great respecter of fate. I dont plan on running again. But to say you know whats going to happen in four years i just think is is not rational. I that is the sound of a d creeking open, is that what that is. Well look i mean, i cant see the circumstance in which id run, but what ive learned a long long, long time ago, stephen to never say never. You dont know whats going to happen. Hell, donald trump is going to be 74. Ill be 77 nbetter shape. Who knows . Stephen arm wrestling. cheers and applause maybe arm wrestling. No, i have no plans i have no plans. Deeply involved. Every morning ive gotten up since i was 26 years old. There have been some issues. There were issues i am concerned. My dad had an expression, a lucky publish gets up in the morning, puts both feet on the floor and knows what hes going to do and it matters. There are things i care deeply about, violence against women to whether or not we have a rational arms control policy applause . Stephen youve been you know, youve been in Public Service for over 40 years. What do you expect from the Trump Administration . Now, yall are going to laugh when i say this. But the honest to god truth si dont know. No, but im being deadly earnest here. I dont think i dont think the president himself knows for certain. laughter no, by the way, president s who really knew why they were running and had thought they different world. Im telling you. Its a different world. I served in the senate for 36 years. One of the reasons the president asked me to join him was because i allegedly knew a lot about the government. But its a different laughter but all kidding aside. It is the Largest Corporation in the world. It is, you know, if youre going to do it well, it takes you, you know, 10 to 12 hours a day just absorbing information. And if you look at the people that Donald Trumpas far, some give me great pause. Theres other people hes appointed offed in the administration that are very solid. Elaine chao, is fully capable being a great secretary of labor. So its just i dont think anybody knows for certain, but we have to be vigilant, and when in fact it looks like the administration is moving in the direction that is harmful or counting on president elect trump to tamp down the this bitterness thees being promoted about everything from the l. G. B. T. Community to African Americans to muslims. I mean what do you make of a president or president elect who seems to be responding on the spur of the moment with tweets to personal slights, like attacking alec baldwin on s. N. L. , or taking a momento cancel an order from boeing based on we dont know what . laughter and, like, it seems a little mecuriel. Well, i can understand going after latenight hosts. I can understand that. It makes a lot of sense to me, to attack you guys. I dont know. No, look im afra