Tot, galecki, Chris Matthews and musical guest bash and pop, featuring Johnny Galecki and stay human. And jon batiste antad sy human. Now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo jon hey stephen hey whats going on . Welcome to the late show im Stephen Colbert, and im happy to be with all of you tonight. Nice to be with a wonderful crowd. To be with you people tonight makes me feel w hours away from Donald Trumps inauguration. Its real its real you know, its happening we all knew this day would come. Its inevitable like death, and never seeing his taxes. laughter i dont know if you were watching the tv this afternoon. Trump flew to washington on a plane that looked eerily Like Air Force one. When i say flew, i dont mean he flew the plane. I mean, you wouldnt want to trust something that important to someone with zero experience. laughter applause would be very dangerous. Would be very dangerous. To all the passengers. To all the passengers. applause he was accompanied, of course, by future first lady melania, who dressed in mr. Trumps favorite style russian spy. laughter no one is really sure what in office, but this week he explained to the Washington Post how he plans to deliver on his Hats Campaign promise. How are people going to know that america is great again . Its a subjective thing im going to tell them. Stephen yeah, hes going to tell em. America will be great when he says it is. Like your dad saying, you love Colonial Williamsburg we drove all the way here from st. Louis, so you are having fun, mister this is fun we drove here in 18wheeler im jac jackknifing laughter and trump knows the one way to make the people feel great is military parades. And were going to show the people, as we build up our military, were going to display our military. Were going to display it. That military may come marching down pennsylvania avenue. That military may be flying over new york city and washington, d. C. Stephen yes, hes going to show our military in totally nonthreatening ways by flying it over two cities full of people that didnt vote for him. laughter cheers and applause i will pull this f14 around, sir laughter sounds a little spooky, but president elect trump is just taking inspiration from some of the greatest democracies in history, like north korea, russia, and china. See . That guy was so excited, he wanted to be the head of the tank parade. I cant wait for next years macys parade, when snoopy is replaced by an f15. Of course, if trump really wants to review the military marching down pennsylvania avenue, hes going to need a new haircut. cheers and applause jon got to get a new doo to go to the ball. Stephen i dont want anybody to be afraid hes going to be a dictator. Im sure hes going to be warm and loving. He wont crush anybody underneath his hobnail boot. They have a concert in front to have the lincoln memorial, and, of course, the president is always there, and he enters the chief, our new loving president entered to stephen he entered to heart of stone. Jon wow, wow. Stephen i hope he was talking about the statue of lincoln behind him. What else is going on . Senate hearings began today for former Texas Governor rick perry to become our new secretary of energy. Which is kind of awkward, i think theres a herd of texas cattle in here in 2011, perry said he wanted to abolish the department of energy. Sort of. Its three agencies of government, when i get there, that are gone. Commerce, education, and the whats the third one there . Lets see. Stephen ha, ha remember when we thought someone could be too dumb to be president . cheers and applause those were good times mmm this morning, perry changed his, i want to say, mind . My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the department of energy do not reflect my current thinking. In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the department of energy, i regret recommending its elimination. Stephen now that he knows what the department does, he likes it i remember hitting puberty and feeling the same way about my man parts. laughter oh oh whats oh so theyre not just in the way when i run . They serve a purpose. Im not going to eliminate them. laughter according to the new york times, perry originally thought the job of secretary of energy was being a global ambassador for the american oil and gas industry, but now he knows hell be in charge of the United States nuclear arsenal. audience reacts and as one member of the Transition Team put it about perrys education, its been a learning curve. But come on, how hard could it be . Its not like understanding our Intercontinental Ballistic Missile system takes a rocket scientist. I mean, the outgoing secretary ernest moniz is only a nuclear physicist. Meanwhile, in college, perry studied animal husbandry. laughter which means he knows how sheep laughter that could come in handy in the afterscape. Got to raise the sheep to trade them for, like, Potable Water and women. laughter everybody calm down. Look, we can trust the guy with the nukes. He was governor of texas, for god sakes. He was on dancing with the stars. square dance music stephen tell my wife i love her. Weve got a great show for you tonight. From the Big Bang Theory, Johnny Galecki is here. But when we come back, well be joined by an old friend to do the werd. So stick around. cheers and applause its your tv, take it with you. With directv and at t, stream live tv anywhere datafree. Join directv today starting at 35 a month. No extra monthly fees. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. 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Thats 150 meg internet, tv and phone for 79. 99 per month. Only from fios. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band cheers and applause how are you doing tonight . Jon im feeling great. Stephen you feel good . Jon great. Stephen im glad. I tell ya, i feel a little weird. Its a little odd tonight because tonight marks the end of the presidency of Barack Hussein obama, and whether or not you ever voted for him, we can all agree, eight years later, its still kind of crazy that his middle name is hussein. I cant believe he got elected. laughter so much has happened during the obama years the great recession, the Affordable Care act, that black and blue dress. Jon it was white and gold stephen we are not doing this again jon youre crazy cheers and applause stephen now, i tried to come up with a way to talk about Barack Obamas legacy tonight, but after looking at the scope of his presidency, i realized that anyone who thinks they can sum up the last eight years in a few minutes would have to be a delusional egomaniac. Did someone say delusional egomaniac . cheers and applause stephen whos that . Its me. Stephen colbert. Talking to you live from my cabin in the mountains of justice. cheers and applause stephen ub talking to us from the place you live with jon stewart . Yeah, jons sorry he cant be here. Hes out in the woods, teaching a wounded moose to read. Stephen sounds like now, if i remember correctly, youre not the character i played for ten years on another show . No. How many times do i have to scream at the lawyers, thats my identical twin cousin Stephen Colbert . Im Stephen Colbert its easy to tell us apart. He has a birthmark that looks like mary kate. Mine looks like ashley. Stephen noted. Im sorry. Well, do you think youve got it in you to talk about Barack Obamas presidency . Stephen, my middle name is got it in me. Stephen okay, then ill step aside. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome conservative pundit Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen thanks, everybody. Hello, nation. Please, have a seat. You deserve it because youre the it getters. Well, well, well. At long last, our americahating, secretmuslim, leadfrombehind, terrorist fistbumping hopeychangey apologistinchief is leaving office. Ive got just one thing to say to him, and its tonights werd. cheers and applause thanks, obama. Look, ill admit, barack obama made a few good choices. For instance cheers and applause he expanded the drone program, spied on american citizens through the n. S. A. , let the wall street banks get even bigger, and never closed guantanamo. But other than that, and i dont want to exaggerate here every year of the obama regime felt like he was strangling a bald eagle with an American Flag while taking a dump on an apple pie. Thats why i want to say, thanks, obama. You reminded guys like me what we truly stand for the opposite of whatever you said. Obama said he was born in the United States, so we said he wasnt. Obama said we should save the American Auto industry, so we said, let it die. Of course, opposing everything he said sometimes meant abandoning our beliefs. Just take obamacare he said it was going to help people. We said that was socialism, even though we know it was based on romneycare. laughter still, throughout everything, obama was our north star. cheers and applause whatever his position, we knew to point the emotional needle in the opposite direction. You say he expanded civil rights by repealing dont ask dont tell . I say, just imagine youre a marine pinned down in fallujah, and your buddy comes to save you, but then you remember he kisses boys so you say forget it and join isis. laughter oh, the president killed bin laden, you say . Well, i say, he hated traditional marriage so much that he sent Seal Team Six to kill a guy with three wives. But now the obama era is coming to an end. And on behalf of everyone who opposed you, i just want to say. Please dont go. cheers and applause i mean, honestly without you, what do we believe . I mean, we had six years to come up with something to replace obamacare and the best weve got right now is paul ryan going door to door with a tub of flintstones vitamins. laughter transformative president , and he was he transformed me. And now i have no idea who that is laughter and now, frankly, without him in opposition, im scared to be alone with my own thoughts its like that song about how fun it is to pave paradise and put up a parking lot you dont know what youve got till its gone. So, i know, the constitution says youve gotta go, but ill miss ya. You were a worthy adversary, a leader of vision, patience, dignity, passion, and humanity. And it really felt good fighting for the opposite of all that. And with our next president , i think we won. So for the last time from me, the real stephen just want to say, thanks obama. And thats the werd. cheers and applause well be right back with the other Stephen Colbert and Johnny Galecki. cheers and applause this applebees allin burger meal deal with fries and a pepsi is just 9. 99. Mine has bacon seared right in. Mine has gift cards. Mine has game tickets. Get a burger, fries and a pepsi for just 9. 99 at lunch, plus a shot at great prizes. Give extra. Get extra. Its time to reimagine the smart phone. Snap on a speaker. A projector. A camera that actually zooms. Get excited world. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Is something that takes a little bit of skill. You have to lovingly steam your milk so that youve got that meringue like foam. And the dot in the flat white really accentuates the beverage. Kind of like the bow tie accentuates me. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Mom,on my Car Insurance of money by switching to geico. I should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico can help you save money on your Homeowners Insurance too . Great geico can help insure our mountain chalet how long have we been sawing this log . Um, one hundred and fourteen years. Man i thought my arm would be a lot more jacked by now. Im not even sure this is real wood. Theres no butter in this churn. Do my tris look okay . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody my first guest tonight is an emmynominated actor you know and love from the Big Bang Theory. He now stars in the horror movie, rings. eerie music phone ringing hello. Seven days. Stephen great, now were all gonna die. laughter please welcome Johnny Galecki. cheers and applause stephen wow thank you so much. Stephen happy to have you here. Thank you for having me. My first time here, thank you so much. Stephen and my first time having you. laughter it cant be said enough. What yall do here is not only brilliant but so incredibly important. So thank you. cheersnd stephen very nice of you to say. Well, of course its important because we work for cbs. You do. Stephen and everything is important on cbs. Were both members to have the cbs family. I think mom loves you more than me, but its a wonderful place. What did you get for christmas . Stephen 200 more shows. Yeah, exactly mom might love you more, in fact. Stephen and a president to make fun of. Ill put it this way, no one on our show has a tenstory neon sign of their name outside the stage. After i saw that i felt like the unwanted redheaded stepchild at cbs. Stephen i think you have been a successful pro longer than i have. How old were you in roseanne, because that was your big break. applause 16 to 20. Stephen 16 to 20. Yeah. Stephen you were from california . Chicago. Stephen fantastic town. Where in chicago . West side, oak park. Stephen okay, sure. Frank lloyd wright. Yeah. Stephen was that hard for you as a teenager living out there . Did your family, like, take care of you out there . I lived alone at the time. Stephen you were 16 and lived alone in los angeles . I lived alone when i was 15 before i started on the show, yeah. Stephen did you get in trouble, Johnny Galecki . Because if i was 15 and had a tv show, i think i might have partied a little bit. laughter who was taking care of you . John goodman . laughter he did take me to my first strip club, as a matter of fact. Stephen oh, all right. Dont come back here again, johnny. We were kids. Sorry, john. Stephen online, you have been were outspoken about donald trump. A little bit. Stephen a little bit, yeah. Been a little hard for me to keep my mouth shut. Stephen inauguration is laughter i did not. They lost mine in the mail. I would have loved to have gone. Im not going to make it. Stephen not . Not to be unpatriotic or anything, but its laundry day tomorrow, so thats what i will be doing. applause youre welcome to come over and join me. Stephen that would be fantastic. Well do whites. Stephen well do some del cats. Yeah. Stephen i think all the whites are going to be at the inauguration. laughter cheers and applause a joke. A joke. Just a joke. Yeah. Stephen now youre doing the rings movie. Okay, where the girl comes out of the well and, seven days later, everybody dies. Yes. Stephen same basic idea i see from the little promo there. Yes. Stephen do you like horror movies . Some, yeah. Stephen i dont care for them. I love this one. Thank you. Stephen but i dont like to be oh, i like to be startled. I cant take the ones with the religious overtones. Stephen like the exorcist . I dont like a frame of that movie. Stephen that seems real. I was raised catholic, which was wonderful, too, but i saw them when i was too young. Stephen how old were you when you saw the exorcist . When i was eight. I was watching it like it was a friggin documentary. It wasnt really explained to me. Stephen based on a true story, you know. The omen, any of that genre i just cant. Stephen when i see a horror movie and im scared about it because im in show business, i take a moment to think about how it was like to make the scene. Like can somebody clip my hair back because i have to chili. It kind of takes the scare out of it when youre on set and see the clips back. Theyre not so hard to make. Its about the fog in the background and the spooky lighting and stuff like that. Ive only done a few and its years in between each one, and every time i do one, i remember why. laughter stephen well, the Big Bang Theory, youre in your tenth season now, right . Yes. Stephen 20 Million People watch every week. cheers and applause its all you guys. Stephen just keeps getting bigger. Now, the sure sign that you are a huge hit is when other countries will engage in Copyright Infringement to steal blatant plagiarism. Stephen i understand that happened to the Big Bang Theory. It did a few years ago in belarus. They didnt even try. It was the same dialogue, sa