Behavior. Stephen these girls are unhinged youre unhinged screaming stephen wait whats this . big band announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes David Oyelowo, taran killam and musical guest rae sremmurd, featuring stay human, jon batiste. Now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey whats going on hey, chris s cheers and applause hey good to see ya cheers and applause amazing piano riff stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thank you for being with us tonight. Especially all these people who braved a snowstorm to be here. Thank you so much cheers and applause its great. Yeah. piano riff the good news is now youre here in the ed sullivan theater, where its about two degrees warmer than it is outside. laughter for anyone watching in the sunny south, the northeast got slammed with snow today. Here in new york city, we got ten inches and for once, it wasnt a text from anthony weiner. laughter thats jefferson. I think its jrs maybe two texts together. This is the first big winter storm weve had this year. The Weather Channel called it winter storm niko. Niko, named, of course, for the tour guide who got your cousin pregnant on her semester abroad in athens. laughter new yorks not alone. Schools are closed all over the northeast. Should have named it winter storm betsy devos. laughter niko is good, too. piano riff friend of yours . Washington, d. C. Also got a dusting. Jon oh, wow. Donald trump was out on the white house lawn making a snow man earlier today. Then because it was white, he appointed it to his cabinet. laughter applause man its cold in here just got colder in here laughter although i have to say, im pretty disappointed because the number one trending topic on twitter earlier today was hashtag snowstorm. Snowstorm . Wheres your imagination, twitter . In years past, we had hashtag snowpocalypse and hashtag snowmaggedon, but now were just going with hashtag snowstorm . We need something for 2017. Its so obvious Hashtag Flake news laughter all right . Im not sure it snowed today. I dont buy it laughter piano riff speaking of donald trump yesterday, i told you about the feud between donald trump and nordstroms. Due to bad store stopped selling ivankas clothes, so the president tweeted that she was being treated unfairly. So this morning, the Trump Administration sent Kellyanne Conway to defend ivanka, inc. On fox and friends. Go buy ivankas stuff, is what i would tell you i hate shopping, i will go get some myself today. This is just a wonderful line. I own some of it, i fully im just going to give a free commercial here. Go buy it today, everybody. Stephen and you can trust Kellyanne Conways fashion advice. Most High School Marching bands already do. drum cadence stephen that was good laughter that was nice. But watching that is weird. Dont you think it should be ag for a white house employee to shill products. applause it is. These kinds of rules called laws specifically, the law stating an employee shall not use his Public Office for the endorsement of any product or for the private gain of friends or relatives. audience reacts stephen yeah. Very important law. Very important law. Its been on the books for a long time. That was written after the 1882 white house endorsement of chester a. Arthurs muttonchop bangles laughter got a lot of money. All the men wore them. And earlier today sean spicer assured us the white house was taking the appropriate steps. Kellyanne has been counseled, and thats all that were going with. Shes been counseled on on on that subject, and. Thats it. cheers and applause stephen what kind of counseling are we talking about . Is that like Camp Counselor . Is she working on her merit badge in ethics . Or is this a euphemism for something slightly harsher . You wont see kellyanne around anymore shes counseling with the fishes. laughter but if you do want to buy ivankas products, youd better hurry because t. J. Maxx and marshalls employees were instructed to stop featuring ivanka trump merchandise and to throw away ivanka trump signage. cheers and applause you know its never a good sign when they wont sell your clothes in marshalls, home of the loose underwear bin. laughter hes just three weeks into his presidency and hes already starting with the judicial branch. After a federal judge blocked his definitely not a muslim ban, trump angrily took to twitter to call him a socalled judge. Of course, being from reality tv, trump doesnt consider someone a real judge unless theyre sitting next to howie mandel. Even trumps own Supreme Court pick, neil gorsuch, doesnt like trump attacking a judge. He told a u. S. Senator that trumps comments were disheartening and demoralizing. cheers and applause yeah. Adding, go nordstrom laughter gorsuchs comments were made to connecticut senator and man carved from a single piece of wood, richard blumenthal. laughter after blumenthal spilled the beans, trump tweeted, senator richard blumenthal, who never fought in vietnam when he said for years he had major lie now misrepresents what judge gorsuch told him . Question mark. No, he did not. Period. A spokesman for gorsuch confirmed the judge said it. But, i dont know how to say this trump is right about something. Aaagh. audience reacts i feel like my heart is crying. Because heres the deal senator blumenthal did claim he served in vietnam when, in reality, he was a Marine Reserve in washington d. C. , where did things like fixing a campground and organizing a toys for tots drive. So he didnt see combat, but his g. I. Joes did. laughter okay, they were fighting cobra. But if i were trump i wouldnt bring up vietnam. Because even though he went to military school and knows more than the generals, he was including one for bone spurs in his heels. Trumps tragic nam story was captured in the film, apocalypse ow. laughter good film. Seen that . piano riff jon real nice film. Stephen the horror. Trump may not have a lot of any government experience, but people elected him because hes a businessman. He knows money. I once imagined. Because, according to the huffington post, recently, President Donald Trump was confused about the dollar was it a strong one thats good for the economy . Or a weak one . Followup should a president know stuff or not know stuff . cheers and applause i dont know which one of those o hundreds of Economic Experts working for him, but instead he called his National Security advisor, mike flynn, at 3 00 a. M. That must have been annoying, but still, better than flynn getting a 3 00 a. M. Text from trump that says u up . laughter i find it hard to believe that the president is up late at night calling the wrong people. For answers to basic questions phone ringing im sorry. I apologize. Thats me. I should have turned the phone off. Im getting a call. Hello . Stephen, hi. Donald trump here. Stephen mr. President this is a surprise. Yeah. Well, i wanted to ask you is it three branches of government or four . Stephen thatd be three the executive, the legislative and the judicial. Hey, got another one. Is it more rock and less talk . Or more talk and less rock . Stephen its more when pizzas on a bagel, can you have pizza anytime . Stephen youre the president. Im sure you can have pizza anytime, sir. What came first, frasier or cheers . Stephen cheers. Okay, last one. There are two guards one of them only tells the truth, and one of them only tells lies. Which one do i make my press secretary . Stephen mr. President , im sorry, but ive got a show to do. Thats okay. Ive got to go, too. Im calling a joint session of congress to find out why there isnt mountain dew in the white house water fountains. Click. Stephen did you just say click . Yeah, im still here. One more question how do you hang up a phone . Stephen President Donald Trump, everyone cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. David oyelowo is here, and, when we come back, ill reveal some of my darkest midnight confessions. And taran killam. Stick around ive been saving Something Special for you. What is it . Verizon phones. gasp every time you go over your data limit, you get. Punished. But i like streaming movies. Punished i love getting hit with surprise fees. Wait til you see how confusing and painful the bill is. gasp wireless pain is fine. If youre into that sort of thing. If not, get tmobile one. All unlimited, now with taxes and fees included. If youre gonna make an entrance. [car driving upon the water] sir . You give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Yes. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Nope. With the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. Backed by the service and security of american express. Windex that you dont even know its there . So clear by sfx slide show smudge it with the new smudge stick even clear glass gets visibly smudged in a snap. Sfx smudge sounds against glass get it now and say no to spotless clear windex glass. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. I heard superheroes read chucks norris comics. D you. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Dont look now, chuck norris is behind you. Re on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. So what happened . I had lunch with chuck norris. Unitedhealthcare. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. cheers and applause say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen folks, if youre regular watchers of the show, as many of you know by now, im a catholic. Sorry, ladies. But i cant always find the time to get to church and i really miss my favorite catholic tradition confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, wait right there. organ music playing softly forgive me, audience. When someone sends me a save the date card, i dont even save the card. laughter i like being an adult, but i wish all my shoes were still velcro. Im less concerned with overfishing than i am about running out of goldfish crackers. laughter cheers and applause laughter those sure are salty. Im a man in his 50s who eats like a man in his 20s who doesnt plan to make it to his 30s. laughter sometimes i go to the bathroom just to check my phone without seeming rude. flushing sound applause sometimes when i check in to a hotel, i use some silly madeup name like taran killam. Excuse me. That is my actual, godgiven name. cheers and applause y laughter cheers and applause stephen you know that spreader truck that coats the highway in a snowstorm . Thats how much salt i put on my fries. Sometimes i brew a pot of coffee just for the smell and eat a pint of ice cream just for the mouth. laughter i dont say spoiler alert before giving away the ending to a movie. Or serving bad clams. laughter last week, i opened my neighbors medicine cabinet, but only because i was drunk and thought it was the door. laughter i think women look great in stilleto heels, but if i were a woman and a man asked me to wear them, i would murder him with my shoes. laughter applause when the treadmill asks me to enter my weight, i do. From that one time i had mono in college. If you were one of the 2,000 authors ive had on my show over the years, i didnt read your book. applause bed, bath, and beyond are my three favorite locations to have sex. laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with David Oyelowo. cheers and applause band playing remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with motomods. Get 50 off on moto z droid. Like paperless, multicar, and safe driver, that help them save on their car insurance. Any questions . Yeah. How do you go to the bathroom . Great. Any insurancerelated questions . Mmhmm. Do you have a girlfriend . Uh, im actually focusing on my career right now, saving people nearly 600 when they switch, so. Wheres your belly button . [ sighs ] ive got to start booking better gigs. [ sighs ] thick, rich chocolate. Who doesnt Love Chocolate . Chocolate makes you feel good hot chocolate in a cup. Java chips. Two espresso shots. Melt it down. Ooh, just thick, chocolatey goodness. Mmmmh. Once youve reached the bottom, top to bottom chocolate for the chocolate lover. Uhah, this isnt normal whipped cream. Chocolate espresso whipped cream. Its all about chocolate. Oooh, look at all that chocolate. Extra chocolatey. All chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate on chocolate on chocolate. The molten chocolate latte. This is your box of chocolates. You never believed in fairytales. Knights in shining armor or happily ever after. But you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Time to shine. Orbit. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody folky golden globe nominated actor best known for playing Martin Luther king in selma and now stars in a a united kingdom. Whats this song supposed to be . I dont know but they are utterly butchering it. I have been trying to work out the melody since they began. laughter i do love jazz but ive never trusted an englishman to play it. laughter would you like to dance . Stephen please welcome David Oyelowo cheers and applause band playing that was a nice theater bow you gave. Very nice. Ive just been doing a play, so i feel at home here. laughter stephen before we get started were here to talk you and a a united kingdom. I want to say the movie and your performance in queen of katwe was absolutely beautiful. For anyone who hasnt seen it its a tremendous movie about a teacher who believes in students, teaches them chess in terrible conditions of poverty in uganda and its such a beautiful movie and a true story and very uplifting. Robert katende whom i play in the film is an extraordinary human being. Its humbling to get to play him. Stephen you all do curtain calls with the people you play at the end of the movie. Yes. Stephen beautiful. Thank you. Stephen you were born in the u. K. Yes. Stephen went back to nigeria where your family is from. How long did you live there . From 6 to 13. Stephen you came back to the u. K. Yes is that how did you get involved in theater . It always involves a girl, doesnt stephen some of the best stories do, yeah. laughter no, we were going to this church where i lived in north london and i was obsessed with my pastors daughter. Others were obsessed with their pastors daughter as well. I caught some recognition there. cheers and applause yes, actually, because he would not have enjoyed me being with his daughter. But she used to work the overhead projector and i would sit in the back of the church. I didnt listen to a single sermon for probably about a year. One day, she came up to the end of the service and invited me to the theater. I thought it was to go on a date to see the play. I turned up at the subway station with a rose plucked from my mothers garden and audience reacts i know. Its a tragic ending, by the way. laughter i walk up to her with the rose and the look she gave me clearly states she did not see this the so i drop the rose, we get on the train, go to the theater, and she takes me backstage to a room where its a youth theater where theyre low on boys. I walk into this room and theyre in the middle of warming up. Any actors here . cheering okay. So you know what warming up looks like silly noises so i thought my pastors daughter had taken me to a cult, basically. laughter but i kept going because i liked her that much, and before you know it, you know, i caught the bug. Stephen well, your performance in selma as Martin Luther king was also beautiful. What did it take to get into that performance . cheers and applause thank you. Stephen how long did you shoot that . What was it like to be in character as Martin Luther king . We shot that for two to three months. Yeah, i mean, to play someone of that magnitude, youve got to go there, so to speak. I had the privilege of working with for rest whitaker on a film i did called last king of scotland and Daniel Day Lewis my favorite actor of all time in lincoln, and those guys stayed in character the whole time, which i thought was a little indulgent, to be perfectly honest, especially in the case of for rest whitaker, by the way. He was playing a d ugandan dictator. laughter i remember in the hotel in uganda where we shot it, a very young actor at the time said, hi, fo forrest growling laughter but you cant deny the results. Stephen so you were in character all the time . On and off set . Yeah, well, we shot a lot of it in ata going to play dr. King in atlanta where hes from, going around saying, hi, im david and playing dr. King, doesnt engender much confidence. So i decided to stay in character. Stephen like in starbucks i have a dream of a cinnamon chip scone give it to me now got to get to the mountain top, please. laughter really, didnt cause any trouble . Well, it was distressing for my wife, shall we say. Not only did she have to deal with a husband who was suddenly 30 pounds heavier, but we were moving ho house at the time ande called me and said, okay, david, what is were going to do, the brown or the grey curtains . Well, i think, uh, we need to, uh whoa, whoa, whoa i cannot talk curtains with dr. King. We are going to pick t after the shoot which we did. laughter stephen the new film is called a a united kingdom. Who was Seretse Khama . The hare to the thrown of botswana and he