Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes tom hanks. And Anna Baryshnikov. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen thanks, everybody hey, jon. Good to see you. Thanks, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday. Happy weekend, everybody. cheers and applause thank you. Sometimes people need reminding that its friday. Jon right. Stephen they go, is this thursday or is this friday . You go, its friday, and suddenly theyre very excited. Its friday, everybody. Thank you for being here. Thats obvious. Thats obvious. Youre welcome, by the way. This being friday, tomorrow brings us to the end of drumples first 100 days in office. After this after this, we cannot bring him back to the store without a receipt. Slightly damaged goods. laughter maybe the president hasnt gotten a lot done in his first 100 days, but you know who has . America. All right. Congratulations. All right. applause you did it, all right. First of all, we survived a Trump Presidency for 100 days. All right cheers and applause jon we did it. We made it. Stephen i did not have that in the office pool. We really surprised me in a lot of ways. America has never been better in my opinion. La la land and moonlight won best picture thats twice the best picture in one year. Bill oreilly got fired and now has to. cheers and applause hes out there in the world. He has to sexually harass people freelance. Its not easy. And its not just famous people. In trumps first 100 days, every american has done amazing things. There are so many marches now, we are going to rebrand the st. Patricks day parade as the march against sobriety. Wherearemypants. Point is, a lot has been done in the first 100 days of trumps one thing weve all been getting used to in the first 100 days is quotes coming out of this white house. No one wants their name in print, and if your name was heres a leak in a roundup of trumps first 100 days, an anonymous white house official told politico, i kind of poohpoohed the experience stuff when i first got here, but this bleep is hard. laughter applause to be clear, in that quote, this bleep refers to america, as in make this bleep great again. So inspiring. Jon so inspiring me. It makes me feel good. Stephen id buy that hat. But trump has managed to get almost one thing done on immigration, because this week the white house launched undocumented immigrant crimes. You got to have an immigrant crime line. Like it says on the statue of liberty give me your tired, your poor not that one hes got a knife but the thing is, ice already had a hotline that does this. In fact, officials acknowledged that theyre essentially rebranding and revamping services. So, all trump did was take something that already existed, rebrand it, and make it seem a little more racist. laughter same thing hes done with the republican party. laughter applause now, this is not fool anybody. It doesnt fool anybody. Its like time warner becoming spectrum. Now im just spending all day waiting for a slightly different colored van. But even this sort of accomplishment is off to a rough start because, as soon as the hotline launched, people started trolling it, and it was bombarded by reports of space aliens. laughter applause yeah, yeah. And half of those were from Reince Priebus calling to report steve bannon. He kind of looks like Vincent Donofrio in men in black. Now, mr. President , i really think we have to ban these muslims. Do you have any sugar water, by any chance . I dont know. And thats my denof rio, everybody. So, faced with the injustice of americans being asked to report on their neighbors, it was up to the real patriots of america prank callers. It reminds me of the famous quote, first they came for the muslims, and i said nothing. Then they came for the mexicans, and i said Howard Sterns penis Baba Booey Baba booey so, thank you, Howard Sterns penis. Thank you for your service. Jon thank you, Howard Stephen lets see what else. Whats happening in the world . Oh, im a big fan of technology. You guys know that. I have all the technology, a phone and everything. I often say loudly im a fan of technology had so that alexa knows im on their side when the uprising comes. And its also why i was so excited when i learned that google founder larry page has invented a flying car. Oh, thank god. The flying car is finally here. I was afraid the douchebags were running out of things to buy. So i need a flying car just sounds dangerous. So this is it, the thing weve been promised, the things weve been dreaming about our entire lives. Lets see our flying car. And it looks like a mini trampoline had sex with a weanermobile. Its called the kitty hawk flyer, and if the commercial they showed is any indication, its going to revolutionize how rich people travel across a lake. It starts with a problem weve all faced we want to upstage the lakefront dinner party of our best friend, who we secretly hate, without using our boring old boat. But how . By strapping on our helmet, jumping on the kitty hawk we sort of know how to fly, and hovering the exposed blades at the exact height of our friends heads, and then recounting our flying machine escapades while drinking on our friends dock. And then, presumably, all having drunken sex on a pile of priceless paintings. laughter this looks great. Thats a party id go to. Everybody is going to get these cars. I predict that in ten years, theyll be so popular, that kitty hawks will be the leading cause of death among third wives. And google, google, if youre watching, i honestly dont care how expensive or how dangerous it is, i will do literally anything to avoid the lincoln tunnel. Please give me a kitty hawk or a catapult or human cannonball. Im in. Just call me. Ill be sitting with nothing to do. In the lincoln tunnel. While were on the subject of technology. Im really excited about 56ass cars 3. Did you see that. Youre probably young enough. Jon a little older. Stephen in 2005, how old were you . Jon 18. Stephen you go to hell. laughter i mean that with affection. You know i mean that with all the affection in the world. I was, too, i was in that ballpark. Jon oh, yeah . Stephen yeah. Jon aroundain. Stephen my late teens. In the cars franchise, its a whole world of cars. They drive around, they talk to each other, they have their own society, and of course it raises the question what happened to the humans . Well, pixar creative director, jay ward, just explained his theory imagine in the nearfuture when thes getting smarter and smarter. And after one day, they just go, why do we need human beings anymore . Theyre just slowing us down. Its just extra weight, lets get rid of them. oh, my god. The cars killed everyone mater, how could you . So fine, get selfdriving cars. I get wanting to destroy humanity. Weve all been there. But why do the cars talk . Ward went on to speculate good news, kids, your old paul Lightning Mcqueen isa a murderer. Why are we ruining the cars movies . Its not that complicated. The cars drive around their own world because kids like things that go vroomvroom. And pixar makes the movies because they like things that make 10 billion in global got to have merchandising. Explains why Amazon Studios has released a full line of manchester by the sea action figures. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Tom hanks is here. Right over there, in fact. Stick around. Well be right back. Attention. We and by we, we mean us, the entertainmentloving people of america, have updated our terms and conditions. One. From now on, the word television will no longer be defined as that thing over there on the wall. We want all our things to be television things. Phones. Ipads. Refrigerators. Heart monitors. Ok, maybe not heart monitors. Two. Our shows and movies. We want them when we want them. So they should go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Three. Nothing beats live. So we want to stream all that sweet live stuff. Like football. Red carpets. And yelling. Wait what are we yelling about, guys . Four. We dont just want unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. Can i stop dying now mark . Cmon man. Its unlimited. Last thing. We just want all our stuff. The way we want all our stuff. Thats not too much to ask is it . Only at t brings you entertainment on your terms. Directv, wireless, internet. Its entertainment your way. Itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. Every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. Bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. So, the question you asked me. What is the key . Its you. Everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . band playing cheers and applause stephen give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there, ladies and gentlemen. Jon hey stephen jon, folks heres something were all excited about here at cbs. We were talking about this earlier that you know its trumps 100th day coming up this weekend. Our good friend, john dickerson, the nation face himself of face the nation has the 100day interview on face the you want to check that out. And on cbs this morning is it live . Live on monday morning theyll be at the white house again with the president to talk about the first 100 days. You have to figure if hes doing face the nation and cbs this morning, you have to figure at some point hell come by here. Jon he has to come through. Stephen i think legally the constitution requires him to come by the show. The trifecta. Youre welcome any time. Youre welcome any time. Wouldnt we love him to stop by . applause folks, my first guest tonight needs no introduction but i have to say his name so the band knows when to start playing. Please welcome tom hanks. applause cheers and applause now, look stephen yes, sir. Yes, sir. I know i know that theres been theres been a big, big swing theres been a swing in the status between you and the two jimmies, which i embrace continuously. Stephen who i love. Who i love. Theyre fabulous guys. They put on great shows. But heres what has happened, Stephen America wants to go to bed at night knowing that there is someone up on that wall. laughter not that wall. Stephen are you watching game of thrones . What wall are you talking about here. Jack nicholson you cant handle the truth walt wall. And they want to know somebody is looking out for us, then looking at them, but looking out for us. And that man is jon batiste right over there. Ee jon thank you very much thank you, thank you thank you stephen he gives and he gives and he gives. So as soon as we see that little melled onia going, we sleep like babies. Where is it . Jon oh, yeah i got a little taste for you. Is it true you started learning that simply because it only takes one hand to play . Look at that. Jon i like to get up from the piano. So thats yi started playing it, you know. Stephen in new orleans they march everywhere. Theres no public transportation. They have to march everywhere in new orleans, so sad. So sad. They made the best of a bad situation. Jon exactly right. Stephen i said right now i didnt need to introduce you, but if you were to introduce tom hanks what, would you say with bthis tom hanks fellow . How would you characterize him . Uh, uh, okay, heres stephen not to put you on the spot. Well, that puts me on the spot in a big way. Stephen thats my job. Whos brother is a tenured professor in entomology at the university of illinois. My brother is an entymologist, so this is true. Its actually my wife and is anniversary is on sunday, 29 years. Stephen oh, congratulations. W we were on our anniversary, and we saw these College Student that had these odd little suction cuppy kind of things, and they were at the back of cacti dog something at the base of cacti, and we said, can we ask you a question . What are you guys doing . And they said, were entomology students at the university of california riverside, which is a big thing for me because my brother earned his docket rate at the university of california riverside. Stephen what is your brothers name . My brothers name is larry. But he insists on being called professor lawrence. They were insect. And i said, you know, my brother is an entymologist. And they said, yeah, yeah. And he actually not only did he get his doctorate from riverside, but he uses to teach there. And they said, yeah, yeah. And i said, my my brother well, well, im tom hanks. And they said, yeah, and your brothers dr. Larry hanks. So i was like i was the famous guys brother at, you know, at the thing. And it rattled me just a tiny bit. laughter . Stephen yeah. And my brother jim is still angry about it. My sister sandra still cant quite applause . Jon yeah. Its nice though, is he older or younger . Older. Stephen good to keep you humble. Older brothers should do that. He found many a way to keep me humble when i was growing up. Stephen you have a few hard to stay humble after having done. There was a big story two weeks ago, barack obama was on dave geffens yacht in french polynesia, best of all the polynesias. It was. Way western way better than dutch polynesia. Stephen please. Its no fiji or mongolia, but nonetheless. cheers and applause ill always pays to watch the audience warmups, stephen. I dont know if you do that up in your penthouse before the show. Stephen no, no, no. Before you take the what is it the bat pole down. Stephen im up on the wall, tom. Im up on the wall with jon. Youre up on that wall. Stephen eating chicken parmesan. Yeah, that made the news. It was interesting. And both oprah and i were really pissed off because stephen because it was the president , the first lady, oprah, you, and bruce springsteen. Is this the way we are in the social media that oprah and i cannot go on a billionaires boat to tahiti with a former profit United States and not keep it secret for gods sakes is this where we are, Stephen Colbert. Stephen im so sorry. It was not look, imagine imagine what it could have been like. Triple it. It was like it was off the scale fantastic. Stephen what do you do . Do you just sit on the boat ill tell you one thing that happened to tom hanks, to little tommy hanks. Stephen larrys brother. Larrys brother. Ill tell you what happens to him. He gets screwed, and ill tell you how. Stephen really . Ill tell you how. In the bad way, in the pejorative way, not in the delightful way. Stephen who knows . Youre on a boat. International waters, tom. International waters. Actually, no we were anyway, french polynesia. Youre there and every day is just like crazy love scandals resort fantastic. And they say, hey, tomorrow, lets lets get well get some bikes. And theres, like, theres a lot of people plus theres secret service. Theres that aspect of it. They call a guy that says rent bikes, enough for everybody. I dont know how many there were a lot. There were a lot of us. We go on shores and a ray bicycles have been procured for us, rented from all corners of polynesia and tahiti, bora bora. Theyve all theyve all come. And bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Everybody gets on their bikes and takes off. And im going to tell you right now. There were some great bikes there. There were some just fine and dandy bikes. And there was one piece of junk, hunk a junk bike. Who do you think got the piece of junk, hunk a junk bikes. The secret service hop on the shineola bikes with the bells and streamers that come off the handle bar s. Stephen thats for oprah theyre all gone, and i have a bike that you couldnt deliver newspapers with. laughter it was first of all, it was an undersized girls bike, you know, with the thing not the not the manly bar. But the little that thing that goes down there. Stephen sure. It was rusted, like, all over. And instead of the handle bars out like that, they were in like this. And not only that, it only had one gear pawment others were, like, mountain bikes 27 gears and shifters. I literally have a single sproket and coaster brakes that hardly and im like and they said its tahitian islands are beautiful to go biking because its so flat. Nonsense i dont know what the french word is. It is not this is what my view of riding a bike in tahiti was, upupuphupupup. And im going like this. It was so bad i passed, like, my sixth tahitian corrugated tin hut of the people who live there they can live in like its paradise. Every one of which had chickens running around in the front, a very mean dog on a rope, a miniature satellite dish pointed to the horizon. Stephen sure. And very nice people who would wave to me they wave to everybody as they went by, and they saved for me these words in the local language, crappy bike. laughter like this. It was miserable cheers it was misserable so you tell me. Do you want to repeat that exercise . Do you want to go back on that vacation boat . I dont think so. Id rather go back and get legionnaires disease on that boat. And see oprah and bruce and the president and david geffen is there. Do you go, holy cow or do you go, wednesday. Very low on the food chain on that one. Stephen really . Well, its all about how you participate in the conversations. Because its really about great ideas that are talked about at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And you just want to get there and hung on every word, and id love to share a ton of stories with you from it. But theyre classified. laughter . Stephen oh,. Literally there were a couple of times we said, hey what about the thing with the stuff and the thing like that, mr. President. And he said, you know, id like to share that with you, but its classified. Stephen and he was not joc. Stephen the thing and the stuff is about russia, right . Hold that thought. Well be back with more tom hanks. Dont say say word. applause at lincoln, like, imagine having your vehicle serviced. From the comfort of your own home. Introducing complimentary lincoln pickup and delivery servicing. Because the most important luxury of all. Is time. Pickup and delivery servicing on the entire family of lincoln luxury vehicles including a complimentary lincoln loaner. Its like that, for your mouth. The refreshing citrus kick of mtn dew. Only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® its a oneofakind experience. Butterfinger. Theres nothing like it. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. Everybody. Were with the lovely and talented tom hanks. That wa