Its toilg in the mushroom caves or laboring in the lube mines. Point is, you should always dance like no one is watching. Though, for the record, we are. To celebrate this most glorious day in your young lives, i will now blow up the world. Mazel tov. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Julie Chen Matt Walsh and david ortiz. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen wooo hey hey cheers and applause thank you very much. Hey ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy wednesday, everybody. To start it off, happy wednesday. Theres nothing like a wednesday crowd. cheers and applause hump day hump day hump day, of course, because its the best day to make love. laughter no, it is. Its great. Youve got work together, youre tired. Ultimate night. laughter now, lets see, ladies and gentlemen, theres no getting around it. Theres a huge scandal out of the white house. No, not that scandal. Or the one before one tomorrow. Although, technically, theyre all part of one big scandal stroganoff. Heres whats going on. The New York Times is reporting that back in february, President Trump asked f. B. I. Director, james comey, to shut down the f. B. I. Investigation into National Security advisor mike flynn. That is. Yeah, yeah. That is definitely obstruction of something. I cant put my finger on what its obstruction of. Its obstruction of oh, its obstruction of just. A second. Ill think of it. What is anyway. Apparently donald trump told comey, i hope you can see your way clear of letting this go, to letting flynn go, hes a good guy. Yeah, hes a good guy, ask anybody, russia, turkey, anybody. Trump told comey let it go. He even got ivanka to help let it go let it go stephen so beautiful, so beautiful. cheers and applause talented, lovely. I hear if she wasnt a cartoon, hed date her. We all then, because, apparently, comey wrote about the conversation in f. B. I. Memos, and allegedly, he created similar momeaus about every phone call and meeting he had with the president. applause to paraphrase himself trump better hope there are taims of their conversation. Or, really, anything he needs to change the conversation to something shall of, shall we say, less indicting. Maybe nows the time to release your tax returns, sir. cheers and applause lets see that would be fun. Oh, oh got any more tapes of and you billy bush. And, besides being president of the united states, donald trump is president of the world, leader of the free world, is part of the title. Later this month, trump is scheduled to attend the nato summit in brussels. And thats going to be a little uncomfortable because during the campaign, trump repeatedly says sade things like this nato is obsolete. Stephen thing is, the u. S. Is the most important member of nato. Its like the best man at a wedding standing up and saying, congratulations to the happy couple. Monogamy is obsolete. Everybody into the flesh pile lets go hump day and thats not the only worry nato has this week. Right now, theyre frantically trying to trumpproof the president s first visit. Now, trumpproofing traditionally means locking the do room. But just in case, just in case. cheers and applause but in this case, it also means compensating for trumps notoriously short attention span, by telling heads of state to limit their talks to two to four minutes at a time. All right, tell me how to solve the syrian refugee crisis. You have until my burrito is hot. laughter if this is true, trump has got such a short attention span, he has to use a bookmark for greeght cards. It would be fun to watch trump read a book, it was the best of times. I love a happy ending. laughter ding oh, my burrito is done. Hold on one second. As one anonymous source put it, its like theyre preparing to deal with a child. Yeah, with trump around, youve got to put the hook oghtz cabinets, bumpers on the coffee table, and put one of one of those twisty caps to childproof the nuclear button. And just to be safe, put a mr. Yuck on there. And at the age of 70 is he 70 now . They grow up so fast. At the age of 70, he doesnt have the energy of a child, in part because he doesnt believe in exercise. According to the washington post, donald trump believes the human body is like a battery, with a finite amount of energy, which exercise delets. Good news, kids, theres going to be a new president ial physical fitness test. See that rope . Dont touch it. Okay, you passed. Heres your sticker. Run along. In case you also get your medical advice from a medieval barber, the article helpfully explains, the human body actually becomes stronger with excercise. Thats according to a recent study by the new england journal of no duh. laughter but that, of course, is not how donald trump sees it. Apparently, he thinks that a person is born with a finite amount of energy, which may i point out, by that logic, would mean the strongest people in the world are babies. Theyve got the most once that fontanel closes, theyre killing machines they have no object permanence, so they wont miss you when youre gone. Make delta force out of them and toss them out of planes at people. I suppose we should have seen his antiexercise thing coming. After all, one of the first things trump did was replace Michelle Obamas lets move campaign with his own, lets not. Thank you. Speaking of not exercising, anyone ride the subway here . cheers and applause yeah. Its one of my favorite ways to get around new york city, right after gurney and being kidnapped. laughter but good news for subway fans the rides about to get a little more polite, because starting this week, the new york city subway is giving baby on board buttons to pregnant women. Thats a lot better than the m. T. A. s first draft, inseminated and nauseous. laughter , of course, theyre not handing that one out. That was a first draft. Your reaction is why there was not a second draft of that. Of course, there are pros and cons here. On the pro side, these buttons could finally remove every subway riders greatest fear that you will accidentally offer your seat to a woman you think is pregnant but is not. Thats why, to cover all their bases, the m. T. A. Is also offering buttons that say, not pregnant, just chipotle. laughter applause oh. Oh. Oh. Speaking of babies, the social we were speaking of babies purpose we were speaking of babies. The Social SecurityAdministration Just released its 2016 baby name data and the Fastest Growing name in the u. S. Is kylo, as in kylo ren from star wars the force awakens. This is surprising, since newborn babies look way more like yoda. Poop my pants i did. According to the data, 238 parents named their sons after the new star wars villain last year. But im not convinced naming your son kylo is a good idea. For one thing, kylo ren kills his dad which is a huge spoiler for your sons teenage years i told you to stay out of my room, old man i cant believe you did that to me, after your brother oedipus ran off with your mother laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause julie chen is here. But when we come back, ill share some of my most secret confessions. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, jon batiste and stay human, everybody as many of you know, im a catholic but as much as i love my church, i dont always go to mass as often as i should, because for some reason, on sundays, the Church Parking lot is just packed. laughter heres the deal, my church has so many wonderful traditions, and i misone of my favorite catholic traditions, and thats cob fegz. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not this is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Stephen forgive me audience, when i go fishing, i name the worms after my enemies. laughter audience, i get as many free subs as i want because i spent 2 on my own hole puncher. laughter applause cheers you scream, i scream, we all scream for ice cream. But sometimes i also stab people for it. laughter audience< sometimes at parties, im a bit of a name dropper, and a baby dropper. laughter once i was the tenth caller to a Radio Station just so i could tell them that i had no interest in two tickets to see linkin park. laughter until im told otherwise, every beach is a nude beach. laughter applause if a cop pulls me over for speeding, i say, do you know who i am . And if he says, no, i say, john oliver. laughter cheers and applause and then he says, that explains why you were driving on the other side. laughter i know cosmos are a girlie drink, but i start acting pretty tough once ive had six or seven of them. applause you wanna go, bro . Thats what i thought. laughter i dont go to museums to appreciate the art so much as to appreciate myself for going to a museum. laughter yeah. I really went to this one. My favorite nacho topping is a second order of nachos. laughter i have a bunch of old new yorkers in my apartment that ill never get around to, which is a shame, because theyre getting hungry and scared. laughter applause you know how gas stations tie big stuff to bathroom keys so people wont drive off with them . I collect those. laughter applause if i had to do his job for five minutes, i would set myself on fire. applause forgive me, audience im dr. Kelsey mcneely and some day you might be calling me an energy farmer. Energy lives here. Is thno, its, uh, breyers gelato indulgences. You really wouldnt like it. Its got caramel and crunchy stuff. I like caramel and crunchy stuff. Breyers gelato indulgences. Its way beyond ice cream. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Its theat olive gardenver introducing new giant stuffed pastas starting at 12. 99. Pastas so big you could share them, but so delicious, you wont want to. Giant stuffed pastas. For a limited time at olive garden. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody. Welcome back to the show. My first guest is the Emmy Awardwinning host of the talk and the face of big brother. Please welcome julie chen. applause that was nice. Stephen yeah. Thats a lovely dress. Thank you its funny, i someone what i was wearing. And i realized when you describe this dress, it sounds terrible. I said, its like i said, okay, its like black. Its kind of which i fony, picture a moth, like mothy, and i silver and goldula may all over it. And i realized it sounds leak a disaster. When you dont see it and hear it. Stephen its iridescent spring flowers falling over a midnight sky. applause have a confession stephen ill get the confessional back out here. You know, look, that night, everyone was lining up. They all want their face time with you. And, like, im very respectful of, like, not, like, trying to dominate someone that everyone is trying to talk to. And i thought, im going to save my moment with Stephen Colbert to get a picture of my sevenyearold son, charlie, with you. Stephen i would so much rather have my picture with a sevenyearold. We have the same we have the same reading level. Well, you know, hes a big Stephen Colbert fan. You remember you came to our house for a meeting. Stephen yeah, sure. Shortly after we saw all your billboards and he said, thats colbert thats colbert pull over. I said, i know, i know. I said im going to go over for my son parents do anything for their kid and for the brief moment i had your attention not because of you, but everyone was lined up i said, okay, can i please, i hate doing this. And you were so gracious. And i was hitting the video did. And i was like, oh, my god. I said, im sorry, i was hitting video. And you ended up putting your head down laughing. Stephen i just got this. Somebody handed me the photo as it turned out right there. There i am. laughter so theres charlie and what appears to be the big foot fleeing a photographer. laughter right here. Hold on a second. Charlie, i promise this is me. There you go. laughter . But the most horrible part of the story sisoon realize, im the only asian who cannot read a camera. laughter stephen i think that is a joke only you can tell. Yes. applause . Stephen thank you very much thank you very much. I dont even get that joke oh, arent you so grand. Steen your lovely husband, leslie moonves, is the boss around here of the cbs corporation. Do you ever talk about me . Does he ever, like, my name every come up or anything. Every night. Every night. Youre in bed with us every night at 11 35. I cant gate getaway from you. He talks about you in the morning all the time. Stephen we have a pet name for him, you know, at cbs. Its mr. Moonves. laughter do you have do you have any pet names for les moonves. I do because my husband is this tough, gruff guy. Hes like a mans man. And every now and then he shows his squeamish side. Stephen squeam itch, how so . Oh, no, please. I dont even want to say anything because hes going to be, jewels, oh and its things that you would be like, really . I said im going to go breast feed the baby. And hes like oh you know . I mean, this is so any time he gets that wrong, my little petunia . Hes my little petunia. Stephen okay, ill keep that in mind. And it always makes him laugh. Hes my petunia. Stephen i call him big dog. laughter . That will stephen ll cool les. Mr. Chen. You know, someone called him that once . Stephen really . Thats a compliment. Thank you when i used to work in news, every night they would send the homework to the door, and one day he opens the door, and it was an asian guy, and he goes, looks at him very suspicious and goes, mr. Chen . And my husband goes, what, do you think . And he grabbed the homework. And i was like, yes, mr. Chen. Stephen you started off you started in Cbs Los Angeles originally . No, i started out in dayton, ohio. At the abc affiliate. Stephen paying your dues. Paying my dues. And its great, you go to a smaller market, and you learn so much about local government. You go to, like, school board meetings, city council meetings, everything, and thats why wherei thats where i got my start. But i was an intern in 1989 at Cbs Network News where 10 years latter, i was anchoring the show. Stephen here in new york. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. applause so that was paid. Right before the class action lawsuit. But i made a lifelong friend at that internship. Stephen who . Before i tell you who it is, because i know you know him, i was 19. And i had a crush on one of my fellow interns. This guy walks in, and he had this beautiful wavy dark hair that he wore in a low ponytail, and he had these plastic rimmed glasses, like elvis costello. And he wore, like, doc martins and, like, a hundreds of thousandstooth jacket. And i was like, wow, this guy is so cool. Then fast forward. You know who andy cohen is . Stephen yes, im familiar with mr. Cohen. He was andrew cohen then. And i had a boyfriend in college. And i guess i was always talking about andrew cohen, andrew cohen. And one day my boyfriend says to me, hey, intern friend andrew cohen he was a waiter, my boyfriend. He came into the restaurant, and i hate to break it to you, but he was hitting on me. I was the last person to find out that he was gay, apparently. Stephen i got one other thing for you. I know youve talked about how on big brother they didnt know that donald trump had bun the election. They were sequestered while donald trump you know, got the victory. Were you tempted at all to lie to them . laughter to say, like, guess what . Gary johnson had a great night. Anything. Were not going to have a president for a while. Like, did it occur to you at all . You know, the rules basically of big brother if youre locked in that house, youre not allowed to have any news from the outside world so i didnt think i was going to tell them who won the election. But the producers came to me and break the news to them. Im like, were breaking that fourth wall. Theyre not supposed to have outside information of the outside world. But then i thought what a moment, okay. Im going to go so i go in, hello houseguests, the whole thing. And the drumup. Im like how many people raise your hand if you think Hillary Clinton won the election . And i think everybody but one i think there were eight people left raised their hands. And im like, oh, this is going to be a good reaction. And i laid it out there. And it was so interesting to see everyone, a, jaws dropped. And then, b, they all looked around at each other like oh. Are they going to judge me if my jaw is open. Because you know, politics, once you say how you feel about any issue or any candidate, you automatically pissed off half the country. So they were like. Oh. Because they know the cameras are on. It was fascinating to watch. Stephen so let me get this straight when youre in the big brother house you have no idea whats going on in the news on a daytoday basis . Zero. Stephen if things keep going the way they are, are there any openings . Because im in. Im so in. applause thank you for being here. The talk airs weekdays right here on cbs, and big brother returns for its 19th season this summer. Julie chen, everybody. Starbucks narino 70 cold brew coffee. Now with housemade vanilla sweet cream. Smooth meets sweet. In stores now. Only at starbucks. For all kinds of things. Like walking. Ewarded hey, honey. Dad, wheres the car . Thought wed walk. Hes counting steps. Walk, move and earn money. Goal dad. Hey, we wanna welcome everyone to the father daughter dance. Look at this dad, hes got some moves money you can use on outofpocket medical expenses. Hes ok, yeah unitedhealthcare this isay selfie mazing. All girls selfie you must be hashtag devastated. Thanks captain obvious. Selfies arent always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. Save up to 50 during the hotels. Com memorial day sale. Text blades to gillette on demand noo text to reorder blades. And get 3 off your first order with gillette on demand. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know my next guest from veep where he plays the second mostincompetent press secretary on television. Whoa, mike, what happened . You look like the business end of a baboon. My ear tops burned the worst, too. But theyre starting to peel so they wont be as red be as red. When i talk i hear my skin crunch. Are you sure you want to go out on a limb. They say guitars are good at inserting themselves. You got that