Host. Thanks for watching. Thank you for being here. Its very nice. I appreciate that. Were living in a tumultuous time. Theres a lot going on, not much of it good. Today i want to start the show with something light, something fun. Are you up for that . [ cheers and applause ] so this was the closest thing i could find. A group of turkish archaeologists claimed theyve uncovered the final resting place of st. Nicholas, old st. Nick. What youre seeing is santas grave. [ laughter ] i told you. How do you explain that to kids . I have some good news about santa and some bad news. [ laughter ] good news is he was real. Live laugh [ laughter ] santa is real, and santa is dead. Of course santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night what do you think is going to happen . They found this tomb below the st. Nicholas church in anatalia. They believe the body inside is the fourth century saint the church is named after which makes sense. One of the archaeologists said, we will reach the ground and maybe find the untouched body of st. Nicholas and thus the most depressing animated Christmas Special ever was born. It makes you wonder, if santa is dead whose lap have my children been sitting on . Just when you think the week wouldnt get any worse, santas dead and rotting under a turkish church. President trump is still fuming about this Rex Tillerson story. It was reported yesterday secretary of state Rex Tillerson wanted to resign earlier this year and referred to the president as an fing moron at a meeting. Trump tweeted multiple times yesterday insisting the story was fake. Tillerson decided to hold a press conference at which he denied ever wanting to resign, but did not answer the moron question. Thats got the president s little thumbs tingling. This morning he again tweeted, why isnt the Senate Intel Committee looking into the Fake News Networks in our country to see why so much of our news is just made up, fake i guess hes moved on from puerto rico and las vegas. [ laughter ] so the Senate Intel Committee is busy right now looking into the fake news stories the russians made up to help him win the election. The other irony is no one, no breathing human on planet earth produces more fake news than donald trump. This is Donald Trumps rating on politifact, the nonpartisan factchecking organization. According to them only 5 of the things that come out of his mouth are true. More than twothirds, 69 , are either mostly false, false, or pants on fire false. [ laughter ] this is another chart. This is from the washington post. Over the 232 days donald trump has made 1145 claims that are false or misleading. And thats just the stuff he says in public. Who knows what donald trump is a tornado of fake news. Hes the michael jordan, elvis presley, and great wall of china of fake news combined. [ cheers and applause ] donald trump criticizing fake news is like hugh hefner criticizing fake breasts. [ laughter ] trump is particularly angry at nbc for breaking this tillerson story. He lashed out again this morning on twitter. Msnbc reporter stephanie rule, who contributed to that tillerson story, responded to the president s criticism directly. He held a lastminute News Conference wednesday disputing our reporting that he was once on the verge of quitting. Trump pushed back on twitter saying, Rex Tillerson never threatened to resign, this is fake news put out by nbc news, low news and reporting standards, no verification from me. Sir, we didnt need to verify that he called you a moron, he did it behind your back. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh is that how it works . So round two of the rap battle goes to stephanie rule. Meanwhile, this is rich. While trump was in puerto rico on tuesday, he took some time out to praise the work of the coast guard, u. S. Coast guard. This is a transcript from the white house website. Fake news . Thats on him. Trump said, hes in front of a lot of people, he said, a lot of people got to see the real coast guard during this incredible trouble and especially i think here in texas. It was incredible what they did so thank you all very much, we appreciate it, really appreciate it. He turns to a guy and sit, would you like to Say Something on behalf of your men and women . The guy says, sir, im representing the air force. And trump says, no, i know that. [ laughter ] of course you do. By always disappointing, he rarely disappoints. And heres something to set your dvr for. On cbs sunday morning jim axelrod has a oneonone interview with trumps first wife ivana. They released a clip of the interview in which we learn the nature of her relationship with the president today. Is he still a big part of your life . Yeah, he is. He is. In what way . Jimmy in the way that we have the same hairstyle . [ laughter ] well, we speak to each other. Jimmy how often . Maybe once a week. Jimmy vunce a veek . Sorry, im easily distracted. He asks for your advice . Hes still asking for advice. What about . Should i tweet, should i not tweet . You know. He asked who should you tweet . What have you told him . I told him, i think you should tweet. Jimmy yes, keep tveeting, wheres my check . Maybe shes the one he wrote covfefe to, maybe that is the miss tree right there. So much crazy stuff going on, its almost comforting to witness nonsense from other countries. British Prime Minister theresa may gave what theyre describing as a nightmare speech yesterday. Shes been criticized for weak leadership of her country so she needed a great speech at the end of this fourday conservative Party Conference to be a hit. Unfortunately for her, it was not a hit. At first, while she was talking, a prankster handed her a piece of paper called p45, which apparently is the form they give you, their version of the pink slip. Watch this. Its the conservative party that has a vision of an open, global, selfconfident britain. While our opponents flirt with a Foreign Policy of neutrality. And prepare for a run on the ground. Jimmy she took and it put it down. Thats one of the most british things ive ev seen. Pardon me, maam, but i disagree with you, heres a sheet of paper to illustrate that. She also had a coughing fit. Coughing went on and on throughout the speech. Then the message behind her slogan on the wall, a letter fell off. All its diversity, compassion, and strength that was shared around the room [ laughter ] jimmy or everyone. So they got the letter back up. The Prime Minister finished her speech. Just as she finished each new generation in our country should be able to build a better future. That each generation should live the british dream. Jimmy well, thats [ laughter ] you know what . I understand the way she feels. [ cheers and applause ] this is good too. The king of saudi arabia made a trip to moscow. And whenever he flies, apparently they travel with an escalator. They attach it to the plane. He doesnt have to go down stairs. Whiches amazing on its own. This morning the escalator stopped. I guess it broke. And as you can see, he didnt know what to do. [ laughter ] he just stood there. Paralyzed. For quite some time. Finally, finally he had to walk down the escalator using his feet. By the way, thats the same guy who until last tuesday didnt think women should be allowed to drive. [ laughter ] on the other side of the world, a top official from the cia says the United States should be ready for a show of aggression from north korea on monday. North korea likes to do missile launches and Nuclear Tests on major holidays. And monday is columbus day. So theyre worried theyre going to do something. Heres the thing about north korea. They have a fundamental misunderstanding of what Americans Care about. Theyre always like, your president is a dangerous simpleton pig were like, yeah, yeah, we know. They think Dennis Rodman is still a big star. Look, we brainwashed your number one celebrity yeah, its okay, his brain has been washed for a long time. Now theyre trying to provoke outside columbus day, the most cherished of all the american holidays. [ laughter ] and i have to say, you know, my family and i were planning to buy a mattress this weekend, now thats ruined. [ laughter ] its like they dont even know us. [ cheers and applause ] as you may be aware, our city of los angeles was recently blessed with not one but two nfl teams. The rams and the chargers. How many chargers or rams fans do we have in the audience . Okay, so thats the problem. [ laughter ] so both our teams are having trouble filling seats. The rams attendance dropped 26,000 fans per game this season, and theyre in first place. Its not like theyre doing badly. The chargers only have 27,000 seats at the stub hub center, a socker stadium. They cant fill half. They claim they do, it doesnt look that way on tv. The eagles were in down, even sean spicer was like, wow, that is a small crowd you guys got there. Theyre going a new stadium that holds more than 70,000 fans. The future, in other words, does not look bright for the bolts. But it isnt over yet. In fact, a Smart Marketing team for the chargers has a new spin that i think is going to help them sell more tickets. Looking for a place to relax and rejuvenate . A place to be alone with your thoughts . Find yourself and lose yourself at the stub hub center. Sunday selfguided meditation retreats offer guests plenty of room to breathe. Within our sprawling 27,000seat sanctuary. Reserve your section and spend the next three and a half hours just being you. Contemplate your place in the world. Or just simply exist. And if you get a call, feel free to answer it. You arent disturbing anyone. Parking could not be easier. Sunday selfguided meditation retreats at the stub hub center. Eight sundays a year. We miss you, san diego. We really [ bleep ]ed up. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you know what i like, a football game. All right, we have a good show for you tonight. Tonight, oh, wait. By the way, we have to take a break. When we come back from the break were going to have fun with people on the street. Were playing a game called fool release. Stick around, well be right back. The leader. The best. The sclass has sat at the pinnacle of automotive excellence for generations. The one car that continually innovates and pushes technology forward. On each sclass, there lies a simple badge. And it serves as our constant reminder, to never rest on laurels, and to forever earn the star. This is the 2018 sclass from mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. Im going on a target run. You need anything . Toilet paper. Cereal. Maybe some chew toys. Got it. Get new lower prices on thousands of items. Target run and done. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. What is this . Its the new iphone, its for our anniversary. Our anniversary . Its thirtyfour days since we first met. I didnt. Get you anything. Oh its, its fine cuz. I got myself one too. Oh from you, for me, happy anniversary. I love it. That is very thoughtful of you. Thank you. Get the amazing new iphone 8. And with all at t unlimited plans, get hbo for life. Less than 40 per line for four lines. Only from at t. 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Take an extra 20 off and get womens denim for just 15. 99 boots only 35. 99 and the big one bath towel just 2. 99. Plus get the lowest prices of the season on levis youll get kohls cash too kohls. Jimmy welcome back to our show. Isla fisher, music from steve aoki featuring gucci mane and tpain or the way. We like to have fun with the folks who pass our studio, people walking by. Whenever we put someone on a tv they sign a legal release, they sign their name on a form, were good to go. Most people dont both tore read the form, they trust us, i guess. [ laughter ] today we decided to put that trust to the test to find out just how much these people would endure for a chance to be on tv. Can we talk to you for abc . This is a standard release so we can show you on television. Am i going to have the ass something where i look like an idiot . I dont think so. Put your john hancock on that. On this . Me put the pen on a croc so people dont steal it. Just your name right there. A couple of quick questions so we can show your likeness on air. Agrees the Production Company owns your voice in perpetuity until this airs. Okay. During filming participant understands that all heretofore mentioned question subjects may or may not be fully taken out of context. Thats okay, whatever. I acknowledge at some point during the interview i may be asked to defend dr. Bill cosby. Yes. Huh. In the event i am suddenly incapacitated during the interview and end up in a vegetative state, i grant abc the right to pull the plug if need be and a dnr, do not resuscitate, also power of attorney over your affairs. Okay. Agrees to waive their right to various things, if you could physically wave your right to an attorney . Wave . Wave your right to medical assistance and a comfort pet. Inny or outty . Inny, okay. Geez. I had to check myself. Why, you and me both. You agree to use our gps . Yes. With our gps, we just turn your head just a little bit. We need to implant a small gps tracking device on you. This is a way to locate you without why . You wont even feel it. Its just a small what is this . A small gps tracking device that goes behind your ear no, no, i really dont want it. No. Its easy. Give us your phone number . Yeah, yeah. Okay, ill get your phone number. Lets create some unique security questions. Whats the name of the street you grew up on . Anderson street. Anderson, okay. What was the name of your first pet . Claw. Claw, okay. How old were you when you lost your virginity . 30 . 30. Okay. Two years ago this. Yeah. I knew you could do it. This is just for identification. We need a cheek print. A cheek print . A cheek print. Either cheek is fine. Really, this is weird. Turn the other one. What . Any allergies to seafood . Okay, hold this. What that is . Salmon head. Just hold foyt are a second. Okay . Got that . Okay. Can we check your teeth to make sure youre camera ready for teeth . Open up. Check your gums if thats okay. Starting with the back molar. One, two, one, three, one, one, four, five weve got a deep pocket on number six, check that out. Two, one. Participant agrees to have temperature taken, either orally or rectally . Orally. Orally . If we could get you to put that under your tongue. That is one of the wait, no, thats a rectal one, sorry. [ laughter ] what shoe size . 8. If we can get a stool over here, lets go ahead and get that shoe off you. Im not wear socks. Thats okay. Okay, all right. Bend your knee a little bit for me. Okay, were going to go ahead and so i have you at about a 7. 5 to 8. Okay. I had a 7. 5. But i couldnt find an 8. Lets give these a shot and see how they feel, okay . Hold the banana. Participant agrees not to make any sudden movements around the gorilla. Theres a [ bleep ]ing gorilla let me go ahead and get you to look in the camera and say, i am not defined by my diarrhea. I am not defined by my diarrhea. I am not defined by my diarrhea. I am not defined by my diarrhea. Right on behind your ear for a second, this is a small gps tracking device its easy. Its in case you change your phone number. Were just able to find no, no, no, no. Just take two seconds what is the show called . Jimmy kimmel live. [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. Tonight on the show we have music from steve aoki with gucci mane and tpain, isla fisher is here. And well be right back with jeff bridges. Dicky portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live are brought to you by spirit airlines. Less money, more go. You are whimsical, vibrant, statement making. You stand out in a crowd. And are pulled together. You follow your own lead and show your strength. Always comfortable in your own skin. We see what makes you unique. So we have something for everyone, at a price thats just right for you. Maxx you. Maxx life. T. J. Maxx ive gotta hit the loo. We cant stay here why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you, big daddy. Aww. Charmin ultra strong. Its washclothlike texture helps clean better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Beautiful view. Thanks to charmin. And you, honeybear. Awwwww. We all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . Jimmy hi there, welcome back. Tonight on the show, she is a talented actress and now an author, too. Isla fisher is here. [ cheers and applause ] and then, his album is called steve aoki presents kolony. Steve aoki from the Mercedes Benz outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] steve brought friends with him tonight. Tpain and gucci mane and a wheelbarrow full of sheet cake. We have good shows for you next week as we pack up for brooklyn on the 16th with the mighty thor, chris hemsworth, kate hudson, renee zellweger, chadwick boseman, whitney cummings, marc maron, january jones, jared padalecki, and well have music from sir rosevelt, dhani harrison, and vance joy, too. So please join us for all that. [ cheers and applause ] getting sarcastic participation from the crew, thank you. Our first guest tonight is an oscarwinning actor and a renowned enjoyer of life who definitely gets all his bowling shoe rentals for free. His new movie