Back on this? do you have anything like, if only we had tried? >> you always second guess yourself in grief. >> that's part of grief. i look back at all of the doctors and all of the approaches that we tried and there were days i would just go, what if we had done this, what if we had done this. >> one that would come to example if i was in your position, thank god i'm not, what if you had found out that he acquired an illegal gun. if you call the police, i'll kill myself. obviously an incredibly difficult what if. do you think it would have made any dich any difference? >> no, i don't. >> if ...