Can you, do you think, prepare for loss, for absence of your closest loved partner? no, i think, i thought you could, actually. and also as a vicar, i spent a lot of my time with people who were going through that. so i knew what it looked like. i know the technicalities, registering a death, the coroner's office, all that kind of stuff, probate. but of course, that's from the outside. and when, of course, it happens to you, it's completely different. and it is, for me, it was like a depth charge that sort of blew up and disrupted all the surface, but also stuff that was very, very deep within...