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Living in the world’s wealthiest and most powerful war machine, U.S. citizens have a unique perspective on how to blow their enemies off the face of the earth. The Onion asked Americans how they would end the conflict between Israel and Hamas, and this is what they said.

Released striker Sam Morrow could become the latest player to take the well-travelled path from Town to Layer Road. The Northern Irishman is set for a trial with the north Essex club.