Comedy central jon welcome to the daily show. Im jon stewart. Man, we have a good show tonight we have prepared a beautiful program. Tonight on our program, a young fellow named jon hamm cheers and applause youre probably aware as regular viewers of this program that last week the Supreme Court court held down rulings on health care and matrimony that caused some in the community to act with conscience nation. These nine Supreme Court justices know theyre not doing what theyre compelled to do by the constitution. The Supreme Court rulings are heartbreaking theyre rewriting laws at the bench. Theyre in rogue. Might as well get rid of the Supreme Court and save money. laughter jon then we would have money to save lighting. laughter storage room, bike Club Facility they let me use the president ial campaign. People dont theyre not interested. I dont i should have should have bleep turned the lights on. laughter i say to you, take heart young Robert Jindal your time is acoming. The Supreme Court dealing a major blow to president obama. After a series of losses, conservatives get a victory at the u. S. Supreme court jon oh what did they get . Did the court reaffirm america as official . Did they declare reagan on all our currency . Oh, oh can the eagles drive now what constitutes this conservative victory . Today the United StatesSupreme Court ruled that a controversial drug used in executions does not violate the constitution. The Supreme Court tossing out the Environmental Protection agencys firstever rules requiring power plants to cut emissions of mercury and other air pollutants. laughter jon congratulations. laughter what a great victory. laughter so, yes, gay people have the right to marry, and poor people have the right to insurance but on the bright side americans can still prisoners painfully and everyone else slowly. cheers and applause what the bleep well i guess lets start with the statesanctioned agony case. Shortly after oklahoma began pumping a lethal combination of drugs into the arm of convicted murderer Clayton Lockett something went wrong. Death penalty opponents sued saying the first of three drugs failed to render him unconscious, exposing him to intense pain, cruel and unusual punishment. Whats cruel and unusual anyway . I mean for instance, killing a man by starvation thats cruel. But is it unusual . On the other hand, killing a fellow with great sex until he dies of exhaustion very unusual. But not that cruel. applause you really have to check the cruel and unusual punishment matrix. laughter the sweet spot is somewhere torn apart by clowns . That is bleep . laughter you really cant be torn apart by clowns. But the court isnt just the favor of americans being able to poison prisoners, the court is in favor of poisoning everybody. The reversal last week dealing a blow to president obama. This is a victory for private industry. In general a rare win for the coal industry. Win for the energy industry. A victory for business. Jon they seem really giddy about the victory. You know the losing team in that game was lungs. You know that, right . I dont care if it bleep lungs, business rules. laughter for more on the latest Court Rulings we go to klepper in washington, d. C. jordan cheers and applause jon yeah yeah oh man we did it, john high five me, bro jon jordan, i cant high five you. Youre 200 miles away. But youre still riding a high from that last weeks marriage ruling. Jordan what . No im celebrating yesterdays huge wins for big energy and big painful execution. Hey, america, how about a lethal injection of constitution juice my insides are burning with pride. Chest bump me, bro jon dont know whats worse, your sense of spatial relations or your idea of justice. Jordan john after a week, the Supreme Court brought justice back to america. The place where big business wins, hard to breathe and we get to decide how to super pinefully decide your death. Thats the country im proud to fly me Confederate Flag over. cheers and applause jon cmon, jordan, you know thats not cool anymore. Jordan oh, im sowwy, does my proslavery, antiamerican wacism flag offend your dewicate p. C. Sensibiwities . Jon i dont know its p. C. Sensibilities you cant say all all mexicans are rapists without getting your beauty pageant pulled from a Major Network anymore. Jon theyre clamping down on free speech anymore. Jordan and whats more american than that . Jon, id all but lost my faith in this country. Storm clouds were gathering. Until yesterday, when five supreme beings showed me a silver lining, which actually turned out to be a mercurybased undercoating. Point is, the america i love isnt slipping away. Theres proof everywhere you look. Mcdonalds is beefing up one of its burgers. The fast food chain is coming out with a bigger quarter pounder patty next month. You redefined marriage were redefining how much a quarter pound weighs cheers and applause i cant wait to see what we think of next hey, whats an oilrich nation we can start a war with . Jon norway . Ordan done. Were coming for you, you pasty, fjordhaving mother bleep ers yeehaw yee coughing violently jon jordan, are you okay . Ordan its just the mercury shutting my lungs down. Jon, i need you to give me cpr. Jon but im so far away cant you find nine one closer . Jordan it can only be you i need those tiny hands on my chest and those soft jersey lips on my mouth jon because i like you kid, im comin for ya, buddy cheers and applause dying jon, its too late. singing oh pollutiful for contaminacious skies god bless our mercury. Jon dont leave me klepper dont leave me, boy well be right back. Youre going down cheers and applause welcome to the sleep revolution. All new emergenzzzz. A natural way to power down. With melatonin plus vitamin c and other antioxidants. To work their magic while you sleep. Dont just sleep, revitalize. New emergenzzzz power down to power up. You ever think about how the cement of your driveway. Connects to the ends of the earth . From roller coaster hills. To musical streets and movie chase scenes. Its all one road. Everywhere you take it tells your story. And wherever you are is where the road begins. The camry. Toyota. Lets go places. Watch as these magnificent creatures take flight, soaring away from home towards the promise of a better existence. But these birds are suffering. Because this better place turned out to have an unreliable Cell Phone Network and the videos on their little bird phones kept buffering. Birds hate that. So they came back home. Because they get 300 for switching back to verizon. And so can you verizon, come home to the best network. Howdy folks this is me colonel sanders. For 5 dollars you can fill up your car with gasoline or you can fill up yourself with my 5 dollar fill up with Finger Licking good sauce. Its tender, its juicy, its delicious. Three chicken tenders, taters and gravy i threw in a biscuit and a big ol cookie my 5 fill up will fill you up guaranteed aint that right, phillip . Its still Finger Lickin good. Get ready to be obsessed. Sweetarts soft and chewy ropes. With no artificial flavors or colors. New from sweetarts. Wanna get roped in . You think hes having a party . Honey. Youre always so suspiciou s. I guess youre right. Theres no bright lights or music. Just ignore them. Tostitos cantina chips . Its not just a party its a fiesta grande right, claire . Claire . Vo nothing brings people together like tostitos cantina chips. Tostitos. Bring the party. Now at chilis choose your 3 favorite apps for our classic triple dipper. Chilis. Fresh is happening now. cheers and applause jon welcome back. Weve spent a lot of time this past week on issues that divide us. But id like to turn now to something essential and permanent that stands outside the daily strife and hullabaloo. Im referring, of course, to tea. A humble handful of leaves. Some boring old water straight from the tap. But put them together, and something magical happens. So if youre willing, id like to take you on a journey of appreciation through the world of highend looseleaf teas. Lets begin with oolong hamm jon if i could interrupt for just a second. cheers and applause jon jon hamm . Hey, youre the only other person on tv who spells jon correctly . Hamm ugh jon with an h . An abomination. Jon an abomination. Youre a little early, but come on over. Let me just get another cup hamm actually, im here to right a grievous wrong. I have been watching you for 16 long years and theres one thing nobody really talks about. Jon whats that . Your voice, jon. Your glorious voice. Your voice is like bette midler, Barbara Streisand and Luciano Pavarotti had a threesome, and then gave birth to the perfect set of vocal cords yours. Jon oh, stop it. cheering so tonight, we celebrate what youve likely wanted all along, to teach the world to sing. cheers and applause welcome to the daily show im jon stewart dont go chasing water on mars if you like pina coladas and like to party come with me on the vacation the western wings karl rove just joined the executive ranch cant a girl get a wet one when its time to change coo buyia my love the stars i like big butts the pope is on the corner in new york the hills are alive i just voted yes well, hello. Papa, can you hear me rowe v. Everythings coming up roses looks like we made it clang clang, clang with the health care ultrasound. Sometimes we screw up hold on, it was a very good ow singing america bleep bleep screaming cheers and applause jon wow. Wow. Jon, i can jon i can honestly say nothing on this earth produces a sound quite like yours teapot screaming i stand corrected. There it is. Jon well be back everybody. cheers and applause vo making the most out of every mile. Thats why i got a subaru impreza. Love. Its what makes a subaru a subaru. Verizon say neversettle. Tmobile agrees. Never settle for verizons overpriced gimmicks. Try the uncarrier riskfree for 14 days youll love it, or well pay for you to go back. We dont have to worry about predators like our ancestors did. [car engine starting] no saber tooth tigers stalking from the brush. No dire wolfs circling the camp. [car tires screeching] there are no more monsters to fear. And so we have to build our own. When you travel, we help you make all kinds of connections. Connections you almost miss. And ones you never thought youd make. We help connect where you are. To places you never thought youd go. This, is why we travel. And why we continue to create new technology to connect you to the people and places that matter. Right now at pizza hut, you can get any two medium pizzas for 6. 99 each. Get any toppings. Any crust flavor. Anything you want for just 6. 99 each. And sweeten the deal with a hersheys triple chocolate brownie for just 5. 99. Only at pizza hut. Notice how this breakfast burrito starts with the basic tortilla, but then inside. Its stuffed with tender, juicy, sliced steak. Whoa whoa. Slow down. What . I said steak. In a breakfast burrito . I cant keep up. This is advanced burrito, right . This is intro to burrito. Boom. Jacks new steak egg breakfast burritos got tender juicy steak, scrambled eggs, and creamy sriracha sauce, all wrapped in a warm tortilla. Lookin for a basic burrito . This aint it. cheers and applause jon this guy has a film coming out called minions. Lets do this ook whos this handsome herb fellow . No my name is blurb. Prayer for torture, which i do all right are we come comfy . Doesnt matter, this is torture screaming there you go. Wow, harder than i thought. Jon join back to the program jon hamm cheers and applause have a seat young man thank you, sir jon now, heres what i hope this movie is about okay. Jon nine jewish men laughter looking for a tent yes. Jon so they may celebrate. And you would have thought they would have spelled it correctly. Jon right. Tell me thats not a good road movie. Tell me. Jon minions minions not for nothing, youre going to have free time on your hand. Jon nothing but free time. I will be the designated minionmaker. There you go. Jon i will be going around to nine groups of jewish people saying, you need a pen . You want to play . What do you want to do . You have a briefcase that lights up from the inside, has all your stuff. Jon im the minion man. I would like that very much. Great. Jon there are many things i would like to do. Let me ask you what would you do if you were me. Youre always working. If you have nothing but time, whats in the hamm bucket list . I would go places. Jon all right. You dont want to go places . Jon no, sometimes the food, diarrhea, the whole thing where would you go if you could bring food . Jon where would you like to go . All of scandinavia, ive never been. And ive never been north of the arctic circle. I want to see the Northern Lights. The iceland. Jon you lookout doorsy. Youtake bear with you. Do you think he would go. Jon does that count as a minion . I think so jon ive never been to scandinavia. Ive never traveled much of anywhere. I have been to buffalo. Me, too. Scandinavia. Jon is there a time of year when its more temperate. Im thinking now. Jon its all lights now. Its never darkness now, and we would only have to really drive ourselves mentally insane staying up all night. That would be fine. Two jobs, hitting the road, going to scandinavia. Jon to find eight jews and thats what well find out. What are you doing now . The minions thing, my kids theyll probably be into it. Jon theyre bonkers for it. Theyre 19 and 18. Then theyll definitely go for it. Jon a lot of dough. Worth that. Jon there is very few things that come on that get their attention. I think these little minions are scientifically designed to be appealing to children and not only children but adults. I think the reason theyre appealing to adults is because they look like capsules, they look like pills. So people are like, oh, im used to that. Jon i get that. You know what movie i want to see . The xanax movie. Xanax, xanax whats it called oxy con. Thats a great movie. Jon i bet they designed the bleep out of that. They tested, thats too pointy no, you want them round, marginally squishy laughter jon in many ways, they did design it like childrens crack like its something that just goes im going to get in so much trouble from universal from this. Jon you know what theyre doing at universal with you talking like that . Yeah. laughter talk to me more about this childrens crack laughter we would like to work on the other minions movie about the jews. No, no, lets go with that childrens crack story. Jon you think if they did the movie were talking about theyd redesign the jews so they would be more appealing . They would be more rounder, more squishy and marginally more yellow. Jon wed end up like cartoon knishs humming laughter does that work . Yeah. Want to stay what happens . Jon do you get news on it . Robert sent me a text. Jon did he know you were on the show . Yeah. Jon can you text him back . Were going to watch the womens world cup game after this applause jon how much of a chance do you think they have against germany . Because that team is were going to win jon do you need me to answer that . You need to answer it. Im worried its going to blow up. Answer it it wont blow up. The more important thing is were going to beat germany. Are you from america . The young lady up there is from chile oh, from colombia. Her boyfriend is from chile, and he is hes rooting for colombia. He beat colombia in the previous round. Colombia had a lot of big words. Jon there was a mens. This is the womens. Now im just getting in trouble. laughter so you believe germany you say the u. S. Can take them. Yes. Jon theyre very difficult. I believe in the u. S. Women but thats going to be a tough game. You believe in u. S. Women in general or just the team . cheering because the correct answer is both. Jon i believe the correct answer is women movie out on july 10 and you can see jon hamm in the arctic looking for the Northern Lights with me. Jon hamm, ladies and gentlemen. Well be right back cheers and applause if you cant stand the heat, get off the test track. Get the mercedesbenz youve been burning for at the summer event, going on now at your authorized mercedesbenz dealer. Hurry, before this opportunity cools off. Share your summer moments in your mercedesbenz with us. Ooh thats hot. Take it off amore take it off no you dont want me any more . Youre a pizza, ok . and were done dont let food hang around. Nooo for that just brushed clean feeling, eat, drink chew. Orbit. Makin it happen take it and grab it life by the horns till i find satisfaction keepin the score eager for more looking to soar up above the distractions what has happened to americas once glorious super highways . Where are my speedy throughways . My bustling roundabouts . Howdy folks its me, colonel harland sanders. Hungry . Stuck in traffic . Dont eat those bucket seats eat a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken with my summer meal. If your seat belt is clickin, its time for my chicken. Its Finger Lickin good. 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