L. A. Clippers. Steve ballmer is here, everybody cheers and applause and then you know and love him from curb your enthusiasm, and now hes got a brandnew netflix special. Jeff garl sin on the show also on tonights episode, Bernie Sanders gets a makeover. How to make impeachment sexy. And why santa claus has no time for your broke ass. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with the president ial race. This morning, former Massachusetts GovernorDeval Patrick announced he is entering the democratic primary. And can i just say, democrats, what the bleep are you doing . laughter you dont have to keep replenishing the stock when the candidates drop out. This is an election, not sustainable fishing. There are too many people. Its nothing personal, governor, but there are already too many candidates in the race. Look at those faces. Just look at all of those faces. So thank you for throwing your hat in the ring. Now pick it back up and get the bleep out of here, man. There are too many people cheers and applause we dont need more democratic candidates. What we do need is more of Bernie Sanders living his best life. Since his heart attack last month, senator Bernie Sanders says hes living a totally Different Campaign lifestyle. Changing his diet, his workout are you tine, and even his wardrobe. Sanders, who used to frequent Outback Steakhouse on the campaign trail has opted for grilled fish and often a soup and salad. He even switched up his look. Some allies have urged him to tame his signature unkept here and dress better. Hes seen sporting more stylish sweaters. Trevor bernie this is great to hear. Hes eating better. Hes working out. Wouldnt it be dope if he worked out so much that he got superripped. Just comes out, the only good 1 is my body fat laughter and, look, i know some people are concerned about bernies age, but, personally, it does not bother me. Sure, bernie is 78 years old. But hes been 78 years for the past 40 years so hes a pro at this. I get why eating better is good for his heart, but what does wearing stylish sweaters have to do with it . Its almost like his staff tricked him the doctor recommended more exercise and looking less like a Science Teacher who lives in his car. I will say, this is yet another example of how the rules dont apply to donald trump. Because bernie has to fix his heart with exerciseet and ago healthy. Meanwhile, trump is balls deep in a k. F. C. Bucket, im going to live forever, bitches lets move on to some International News where one of the most beautiful places on earth is in deep trouble. There is a state of emergency in venice tonight as the historic italian city deals with its worse flooding in more than 50 years. Much of venice was submerged because of an exceptionally high tide, one man seen swimming in historic st. Marks square. The mayor blaming it all on climate change. Trevor this is terrible to see, one of italys most magical cities is completely under water. Its also crazy to see how theres one guy, always one guy making the most of any disaster. I bet after the titanic sank, there was one dude in the water like, marco marco come on, guys but look, one way or another, i know venice is going to bounce back from this flooding. First of all, italy has fantastic plumbers, and, also, if anyone knows how to turn a disaster into a tourist attraction is italians. Theyve got a tower thats falling over, buildings that are crumbling, and a town swallowed by a volcano. Their tourist slogan should be, you should see the shit that happens to uman. Finally, christmas is just around the corner which means its time for santa to cash in. Get ready to shell out big bucks to sit on santas lap this year. Harrods in london restricting santa visits to only allow families that have dropped 2500 in their store. On top of, that those families s who also make the cut have to buy a 25 ticket to visit santa. For those hoping to get v. I. P. Santa experience, good luck. The Department Store says its already sold out. Trevor hohohold up. You have to pay 25 before you can see santa . If im paying 2500, santa better be dancing on my lap. Let me see you working, nicklaus. Thats right. Ill call you by your government name. I hope this doesnt inspire smiewvments with other magical creatures. Otherwise, the tooth fairy is going to be check your houses value on zillow before she shows up. Sorry, i only work in homes that are a million up and, byebye also ydo kids have to see santa anymore . They should be sitting on jeff f bezos lap. Hes the one with all the presents, kids. You go to him. All right, thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. cheers and applause yesterday was a historic day in america. I finally tried kombucha. Yeah. laughter its okay. But it was also a historic day because the house held its first public impeachment hearing where the ambassador to ukraine and the inventor of flubber both testified about president trumps quid pro quo with the president of ukraine. And this tsms a pretty big deal because for the first time, the American Public heard from nawnl partisan officials about how the president abused his powers for personal gain. And even though millions of people have been talking about these hearings, over on fox news, their analysis of this impeachment is. Meh. There is no way that normal, ordinary people, Middle America are going to watch a hassle of lawyers going at it over the details of who said what to whom, some obscure official from a foreign country. This is about a transcriptave phone call with a country no one cares about. You cant follow he said he said she said he said he said. I dont know what language quid pro quo its latin. Is it latin. Its latin to everybody. Nobody understands that. No one can find ukraine on the map. If you ask the American People about ukraine, they dont know anything about it. Trevor according to fox news americans are too dumb to follow these impeachment proceedings. The word impeachment is confusing. Maybe we should call it a president ial booboo. Would that help. When it was hillarys scandal, fox news was, benghazi is a hot bed of support for sharia. When its a donald trump scandal, all of a sudden theyre like, whats a ukraine . Ukraine . Do you crane . Do i crane . Frazier crane . The bird crane . applause because, look, even if people dont understand every aspect about the ukraine scandal, that doesnt mean that they cant still grasp its importance. Like, i dont know what a second cousin once removed is. What i do know is im not supposed to marry them. laughter im sorry, shell ai know it would make grandma happy, but it just cant happen. applause and fox news is coming up with all kinds of ways to convince people that even if you do have a ph. D. In ukraineeology, these hearings still just arent worth watching. In fact, sometimes if you watch forks it looks like theyre straightup trying to hypnotize their viewers into not caring. This has nothing to do with national security. Its all just an illusion. The whole thing is a charade. First know this its important. Everything youre going to see in the next two weeks is rigged. This is a phony show trial. There is zero due process, none. We dont want to overinflate its importance, which is question panel this is stupid. A week from now you wont remember the details. Trevor look deep into my eyes. laughter a week from now, you will remember none of the details. And when i snap my fingers, youll wake up and think racism only happens to white people. laughter 3, 2, 1 snap like, what is that . You know whats crazy that after the first day, the first day of the impeachment hearings, fox has already written off the entire process, which clearly shows you, they have no intention of being objective at all. They sound less like journalists and more like mean girls trying to sabotage someones sweet 16. I heard nobodys going. Its going to be, like, a stupid party, and ashleys dad is going to be the d. J. Oh, my god i mean, like cheers and applause i dont know, i dont know if donald trump is going to be found guilty or not. But youve got to at least watch the full proceedings before you make a determination. Otherwise, you dont have the full story. You know, like if you only watched the first half of get out, you would just think it was a beautiful movie about an interracial couple. Yeah, it would be like, her familys kind of weird but every family is kind of weird. But if calling their viewers dumb or using mind control doesnt work, fox has come up with another reason to ignore want impeachment hearings and that is it is just not bingeworth i tv. There is not a Single Person outside the washington, d. C. Beltway that gives a damn about what happened today. It was boring. It was kind of beering to watch on tv. It was a huge dud. There wasnt anything sexy about it. There was not some new, big piece of information that came out. With richard nixon, there was a breakin. With bill clinton, there was sex in the oval office. With trump, its a phone call to ukraine. Theres no burglary. Theres no breakin. Theres no tape. Theres no dress. Theres no sex. Its not a sexy scandal. Russia was sex pep this has no intrigue whatsoever. Trevor whoa, whoa, whoa. Youre saying trumps impeachment is boring and unsexy . You know if trump hears that its going to piss him off, right . Hes going to come out like, my impeachment will be the most exciting ever. Im break into a hotel, and best believe, ill jizz all over this dress. Dont make me do it dont make me do it ill do it applause just make sure you wash itardses. I cant risk making another eric. Dont want to take a chance. Heres the thing, people these hearings are investigating whether the president of the United States committed high crimes or misdemeanors. So theyre supposed to be serious, not about excitement. You know, impeachment is like a Family Reunion if its sexy, something has gone horribly wrong. laughter sheila, please, dont make things weird at the barbecue. Im begging you please laughter now, look, here at the daily show we want to help fox viewers get into the impeachment spirit because this is a really important time in america. So if they cant Pay Attention to the scandal unless its sexy, well then you know what . Well make it sexy upon. doorbell rings . Did somebody order some. Military aid . I was getting so desperate for your missile. Im going to need some dirt on joe biden first. Put that quid in my quo. Oh, ill put the quid in your quo. Im gog blow that whistle. Oh, yeah. Give me that dirt on joe biden. Yeah, dirt on joe biden im gonna quid oh cheers and applause trevor you happy now . Well be right back. smoke alarm im truly amazed at the effect thathank you, bob ple. Hashtag vacay. Sonoma . I want wine with lunch. Its 11am, cindy. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. paul switch to sprint everyone is talking about. S the. sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. And you can get both an unlimited plan and the new iphone 11 included for just 35 a month. paul and with sprints 100 total satisfaction guarantee you can try out the network and see the savings for yourself. sprintern ahh its the best season of the year. paul is that your excited dance . sprintern what dance . For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. We because its made withan, plants. We switched to tide purclean, it gets stains out of his pants. Tide purclean, they dont put phosphates in. No dyes or chlorine its gentle on my skin. Tide purclean, it has nothing to hide. Its made with plants and has the cleaning strength of tide. The first plantbased detergent with the cleaning power of tide. cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My first guest is the chairman of the Los Angeles Clippers and founder of usafacts, a notforprofit, Nonpartisan Initiative that is considered the goto website for government data. Please welcome former microsoft c. E. O. Steve ballmer. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show. Thank you very much. Trevor how are things going in life . Are you are you afraid . Are you stressed right now . I mean, because you are, according to forbes a man who is a billionaire worth 51. 7 billion. applause elizabeth warren, i heard, is coming for you. Are you afraid . How are you feeling about this whole thing . Is there a war on the billionaires . Or how do you feel about it . I think theres a great discussion to be had about who should pay how much taxes. I personally would be fine with paying more. And yet the most cheers and applause hold on. Trevor hold on. He hasnt said how much. laughter i think the most important thing, frankly, is that people get the numbers, look at whats going on today. Trevor right. And then you can almost like assign a quota. You should pay this much tax. You should pay that. But its got to be based on what we want to do. What do we want to do with the money . How much . Who can pay . What other expenses can we cut . Just get it right. And then the will of the people will decide what should happen. And ill be okay with it. Trevor thats really interesting whatever it is. Trevor you have always been one of the people who said, you said, hey, i dont agree with this idea that the government can make the money it needs just by cutting costs, but at the same time, government has to do a better job of using the taxes that it collects, and as a billionaire, im willing to pay more. So youre not afraid in life. Youre not stressed every day youre not waking up in the middle of the night like, elizabeth laughter i wake up stressed every day are we going to win tonight trevor oh, okay. applause lets talk about but i dont have any issues on the other front. Trevor thats good. I feel like i feel like the clippers, now more than ever, are not stressed. You have Kawhi Leonard on your team. You have an excitement in l. A. That i have never seen before. This is really a momentous occasion. And youre getting ready to build an arena for the l. A. Clippers, which, please correct me if im wrong here apparently youre designing it so, like, the players can hear the crowd more. Like, the roar goes into the court. We want it to be most intense, hardcore, highenergy basketball junkies building in the world. applause . Trevor lets talk about the real reason youre here, usafacts. You have create aid website geared towards facts. What is usafacts . Usafacts. Org is a website. I got into this four, five years ago, and i just wanted to understand, who pays how much taxes . What does the money get spent on . And what are the outcomes we get for all of that . And it was impossible to find. So i started just splunking around, trying to understand my wife had maid comment about where our tax goes or dont go. Couldnt do it, got go it, and said i should share this with other people. Its very interesting to understand and by the numbers, by the numbers, part of the problem with words is theyre partisans. S ins dont know how to be partisan. We publish rammed reports by the government. Trevor you basically created the site because you wanted to break through the whole partisan breaking down of what news is. Heres a fact a person at home can decide what that fact means. Some of the more interesting polls you have conducted on usafacts have ill liewlinate aid few things. For instance, we have a few of these slides here that we can pull up now, like some of the data facts. For instance, how much do you trust information from the president . Republicans, 40 . Democrats, 5 . laughter and then if you see the not at all is a big flip. Republicans, only 15 say not at all, 61 of dems. If you look at the next slide, for instance, we have another so this is just information that youre compiling for people. You dont even give anybody an opinion on this. We do not. We explicitly dont give opinions. Now, this was a poll we ran. As you pointed out, Everything Else we do is government data, but we need to know what were doing. Just take even the thing about academics and scientists, because you can react one way or another. The truth of the matter is a lot of what you see out of economists is forecasts. And on every forecast, youll see one on the right and one on the left, and theyll say different things. I dont know what you would think. At microsoft, i didnt believe the forecast. I only believed what had actually happened. So all of these things have context, and thats why we to share what actually happened. Trevor if i were to say to you, steve ballmer, as somebody who is part of of usafacts, what do you hope americans would achieve by going to this website . What do you want people to get from the website . Iit is free, nonpartisan, it is just facts you compiled. What do you hope to achieve. I hope we get to a point with not as much poarnlization. Civil ieltzed dialogue. People can disagree about what to do but at least be in the same place. We have a little fun thing coming out here soon for thanksgiving. Youre going to sit around a table with relatives and people are going to disagree, and theyre going to want to scream and yell at each other. So we have a thanksgiving fact sheet from usafacts. Pull it out on your known. And you can say, ill get you the real data on that subject boom trevor oh, wow special for thanksgiving holiday. Trevor thanksgiving will never be the same. Thank you so much for being on the show. You can check out all the data at usafacts. Org. Steve ballmer, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause music playing right now there is more private information on your phone than in your home. Your location. Your messages. Your heart rate after a run. These are private things. And they should belong. To you. [lock clicking] hey, you wanna shoot me one . Steady the elbow. Oooh. Amateur. Someone show him how its done. Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh dangerously cheesy. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. My next guest is a comedian and actor. You know him from curb your enthusiasm and the goldbergs. His new netflix comedy special is called jeff garlin our man in chicago. Please welcome jeff garlin cheers and applause thank you cheers and applause thank you thank you. Trevor welcome to the daily show. Whats the camera . I take pictures as a matter of fact. Homeland on. Hold on. Now, thats a beautiful shot. laughter all right. Bingo. I have a show going up at the leica gallery in l. A. In january, and one of these pictures might be in it. Trevor wait, so, what, like a professional photographer . Yeah. Yeah. laughter i have shots of jon. I always brought my camera. Every talk show i go on, i bring it with me. Even hoda and kathie lee. Trevor we have we have cameras. Yeah, but it gets me. I dont want to see me. I want to see you. And, by the way, who else gets this perspective . cheers and applause by the way, and by the way, you are incredibly photogenic and handsome. Trevor thank you. Thank you, jeff. cheers and applause this is i mean, this is wow. Yeah. Trevor let me ask you this you can ask me anything you want. Trevor thats exactly what i was going to ask you about is anything. No, jeffs one of the only people who has come to the show where like, most shows what you do is youll, like, talk to the person before they come on. Jeff was like, i dont want to talk to you before. I dont want to know what youre is this who you have been . Or is it because on curb your enthusiasm everything is improvised . The only one i didnt do a preinterview was when jon was here. When you said were going to do this. I said i dont want to know. I dont want to know. I like being in the moment and react ago i dont want to think about it ahead of time displu dont care about what happens. I dont care. Trevor im glad no, no, no, im glad im glad im full of joy. And im honored and thrilled to be here. Lets use that. Trevor i am so glad you say that, because we have someone who claims to have your son. If you can come up. laughter applause oh, boy oh, boy. Trevor let me ask you this. Like, when youre making a show like curb your enthusiasm and i know theres another season coming up. Yes. Trevor no spoilers or anything. January. Trevor when youre making a show like that where its all improvised, have you ever worried before a scene that its not going to be magic because we have seen the show. Every scene is magic. No, never. You know, my standup is improvised. I go up and do an hour thats completely improvised. Trevor wait, your standup is improvised . Every time i go up. Except for well, here, okay. laughter first off first off, never its what i do. Its what we do. Larry david and i laugh all day long, both on and off camera. And it is so and larry david wrote the scenario. So i trust that its going to work. And it does. And its fun. Sometimes hell call me on the way home and go, heres what we could have done. And we might do that. Weve reshot things. Trevor all right. In general it works, it just works. Trevor so tell me about the special, then, because you have a netflix special. Yes. Trevor everyone knows thats what youve done for 20odd years in standup 37 years. Trevor 37 years youve been improvising . Yeah, yeah. applause so i started when i was 20. Im 57. I dont people doing math. laughter but heres the thing, netflix says, okay, we want you to do a special. Trevor right. Ive kind of had that in my pocket for, like, three years. So i worked hard developing a show that was special. Because when i was a kid, a comedy special was special. Now, ill have an opening act, six months later ill go, how are you doing . Oh, i just and ill think to myself, oh, thats not going to be good. But, you know, theyre funny. Theyre just not ready. So i worked hard to have a special thats not a whats so special about my special . I filmed i filmed the did two shows in one night. The first show, i did the beginning, middle, and the end. And the second show i went up and let it rip, and thats the special i aired. Trevor that is amazing. I improvised a lot. Its too arrogant for me to say to netflix, give me the money and it will work. It might, it might not. So thats just a risk in that situation. Trevor so what if you have a joke that crushes on a night, you just let that joke go . Quite often, yes, i do. It was nice in the moment. Trevor but dont you think thats, like, a waste of jokes. We live in an environment theres climate change, like, turtles are being, like, strangled and youre throwing away jokes . This is wastage. Heres why. Trevor you should be recycling the jokes. You know why i throw away jokes . Trevor why . Because i always think of new ones. applause trevor thats what makes you special. Jeff garlin our man in chicago is currently streaming on netflix. Jeff garlin, everybody well be right back. cheers and applause another foodie trip. Who even cares . 211 people. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. That fish is done, carol. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. [dinosdont even [dinosaur noises] im serious [dinosaur noises] yes fritolay variety packs. Packed with possibilities. smoke alarm trevor well thats our show for tonight. Thank you for tuning in. If youre in the boston area this weekend, ill see you at my comedy show, friday, saturday, and sunday. Otherwise, ill see you right back here on monday. Here it is, your moment of zen. Peekaboo applause and now david spade spade hey thanksk guys. Is this a coat, i done know what it is. Welcome you guys, on tonight on the show, we have brad, we have jeff, we have annie. applause a great one. Great one tonight. Heres what everyone is buzzing about, kayne west is appearing in joel osteens mega Church Service this sunday and the tickets are free. But it is 1,000 to leave ear