I always tell people that i broke my back so i can keep getting that check. Ah. You know how smart i am. I know youre smart. Yeah, i can count to 80. [laughs] you can count higher than 80. Yeah, sometimes, but sometimes my mind gets foggy. Mm, mm. But listen. Ii need you to bring me on. I need somebody with some essence. [laughs] ill give you 25 cent and a lollipop. I dont need no lollipop, boo. You like lollipops. [laughing] when you push me out and everybodys in the audience, ima jump out of the ima jump out of this chair and then im gonna just start beating the shit out of everybody. What . 50 cent. Im gonna get bobby browns little ass. Im getting him. Bobby brown gonna beat you up. He gonhe gonna, uh, dance battle you and kill you. I dont think bobby brown can dance anymore. What you doing for your birthday . Im gonna punch a watermelon. What . In my backyard. Youre gonna punch a watermelon . Yeah, cause itit feels more like a face. Oh, my god. Who is this playing on my phone . cause i know this aint mike tyson. Tiffany whois this [bleep] . Who is this . This is bobby. [laughing] how you been, mama . I been good. I been real good. Im sorry we played this prank on you. Yeah, i mean but we damn sure gonna show it on tv. Hey, everybody. So ill call you later, all right . All right. Bye. She ready. She ready [laughs] from comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in. And thank you for coming out. As always, thank you so much. Lets do it. Im trevor noah. Our guest tonight is one of the my favorite actors in the whole wide world, and shes my best friend, but she doesnt know it. Lupita nyongo is here, everybody. cheers and applause we are going to be talking about New York Times bestsellinh Childrens Book and the new star wars movie shes in. Also on tonights show, we find the worst place to have your wedding. Ronny chieng sees dead people. And the u. S. Government admits its been lying to you. So lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off with time magazines person of the year. Its an annual message to the worlds other 7. 7 billion people that you suck. laughter and this years honoree is an obvious choice. This was Just Announced moments ago. The time person of the year is 16yearold Climate Change activist greta thunberg. You remember when the swedish teen took on u. N. World leaders at the Climate Change summit. 16 years old. Congratulations to her. She had a passionate plea garnering a lot of attention. And for way too long, the politicians and the people in power have gotten away with not doing anything at all to fight the Climate Crisis and the ecological crisis. But we will make sure that they will not get away with it any longer. cheers and applause trevor yeah. Greta thunberg has been named time magazines person of the year. And she must have been so excited when they told her. It was like, great news, greta, were going to cut down a Million Trees and print your face on them and then were going to put them on airplanes and send them all over the world laughter its so cool to be named the person of the year while youre still in high school. All the other kids are like, i was sho voted most likely to succeed. And great is slam her magazine, i already did, bitch. Plus she doesnt have to fill out a college application. She can show them this. But it will be awkward when she presents it to harvard. Wait a second, aunt becky said i was person of the year. If youre getting married, get out, its a trap. The popular Wedding Planning site pin tret and the knot bounce announced they are no longer promoting content for plantationstyle weddings. The wedding trend has been slammed for romanticizing it. It was created so our ancestors could be forced to work and do free labor. Its not that slavery happened in these places. These places were created for slavery. Trevor yes, wedding planners are coming under fire. I dont even get it. Like, why would you want your wedding at a Place Associated with slavery . Unless youre trying to send a message about your marriage. You know. Just like, yeah, i want to get married somewhere that reminds me that my freedom is over, and im going to have to obey someone for rest of my life. You know, the one good thing about a plantation wedding is that its the perfect excuse for people who dont want to go to your wedding. Yeah. Because you can just pretend its a moral stand, you know. Hey, id love to be there. But i cant. I cant attend a wedding where people were enslaved, at a place where people were enslaved. Its like, you know what, youre right, were moving our wedding to our backyard. On land stolen from native americans. laughter and i guess youre not getting married . Thats sad. I really wanted to come. Laugh thats it for the headlines. Lets move on to our top story. The war in afghanistan. Its basically the greys anatomy of wars. We all thought it ended years ago, but somehow its still going strong. laughter and now, with the war in its 18th year, were learning for the first time how badly americans have been played. Tonight, newly released documents have raised serious questions about whether the American People were lied to about the progress of the war in afghanistan, the longest in our history. A massive new trove of confidential documents obtained by the Washington Post reveals u. S. Officials systematically lied to the American Public about the afghan war, virtually since the beginning, 18 years ago. The objective to conceal widespread fears that america was losing. The rosy picture thats been painted by our political and military leadership is not the real picture on the ground. Trevor yes, for 18 years, the American Government has been painting a rosy picture telling americans everything has been going great in afghanistan, when, in reality, its a total shit show. Its basically the technique every failing couple uses on instagram. Just like datenight, couplegoals. Send. Are you done with your phone now . Well, if you didnt smile so shity, i wouldnt have to take so many pictures, you dick. I hate you. I hate you more. Lets do one more in Portrait Mode laughter but, yes, were now learning from this bombshell Washington Post expose the government manipulated every detail about the war in afghanistan. They used numbers they couldnt back up. They hyped small successes when they knew the big picture was getting worse, and they even tried to spin suicide bombings as a sign of success, which is confidence, if nothing else. Its like making a tinder profile that says, you know im a catch because i have my own room in my mommys basement. Swipe right. Now, its not unusual for governments to try and make things seem like theyre going well in a war when they arent. But what makes the story even more egregious was that they lied about even having a plan. It says, blunt as can be, we didnt know what we were doing. We didnt know exactly why we were there or how we could get out, and not a soul could define victory. Retired general, douglas lute saying in 2015, what are we trying to do here . We didnt have the foggiest notion of what we were undertaking. We didnt have a strategy. We didnt even know who the enemy was. Who were we there to fight . Trevor wow. America sent its troops to afghanistan for 18 years, and they didnt even know who they were going to fight . Thats not how you go to war. Thats a strategy of a group of drunk dudes going out in boston, you know. Like someones getting beep ed up tonight, bro. Who . I dont know, probably us. laughter but, basically, part of the problem is that the people in charge didnt know how to define victory in afghanistan. Was it beating the taliban, or beating al qaeda, making the country a democracy . Any if you dont know how to end it, then you should just wrap it up and get out, you know, like they did with game of thrones. Shes dead, hes gone, the bird kid is king. Roll the credits. Roll the credits. Take the money, lets go. But these people stretched it out and this report shows americas government had little success and not much of a strategy going in. But there was one thing they had plenty of money. The problem is, as any rapper will tell you, more money, more unnecessary expenditures. Aid workers in the field, military officers, diplomats they all said this was more money than they could possibly spend. They were ordered by congress and officials back in washington to spend, spend, spend as quickly as they could, as much as they could. Nearly 1 billion on helicopters and planes for the afghans. The trouble is there is serious doubt that the afghans can fly them. A half million of your dollars wasted on a building that melted four months after it was built. 34 million went to a soybeangrowing project, and soybeans dont grow in afghanistan, and people in afghanistan dont eat soybeans. The pentagon wasted millions on uniforms for the afghan army. It was to buy a forest camouflage pattern. Forest covers only 2 of afghanistan. Trevor okay, that is just insane. 28 million for forest camouflage in a country thats all desert. laughter the only way that could have been a bigger waste is if it was for Forest Whitaker camouflage. Yeah. At least that would have confused the people. Mahmoud, were being invaded by the guy from wakanda. Dont shoot, dont shoot i want his autograph so america spent nearly 2 trillion on the war in afghanistan with basically nothing to show for it. And maybe thats how you get the u. S. Government to put money into things Like Health Care or teachers. Thats what americans should do. Just tell them the taliban is there. And the congress will be like, schools and hospitals. Give them more money. Give them as much money as they need. And send in three Forest Whitakers, just in case do it applause now, you might be thinking who did this to us, trevor . Who can we be mad at . Is it trump . Is it bush . Is it obama . Because i didnt want to say. Anything but i think hes black. Well, actually, the answer is all of the above. U. S. Officials have misled the American People about the conflict across three administrations. With decades of upbeat president ial pronouncements about the war. Our progress is a tribute to the spirit of the Afghan People and to the might of the United States military. Here, in the predawn darkness of afghanistan, we can see the light of a new day on the horizon. Great progress is being made. The spirit and im hearing it from everybody, everybody that goes over comes back and says, really, its like a different place. Trevor yeah, it turns out that bush, obama, and trump all did their part to exaggerate americas success in afghanistan. And i guess thats the Silver Lining in the story in a country increasingly divided every day, its nice to learn that theres one issue that brings americas leaders together lying about war. Well be right back. cheers and applause surprise when you think about the best times. You werent bothered some people didnt know the rules. Or upset the weather chose today to not cooperate. You werent concerned your seat ended up being an exercise bike. And you clearly werent stressed about the clean up afterwards. Because when youve got the good stuff. You can focus on the stuff that really matters tostitos. Get to the good stuff. Lights, ornaments, chand lil choo choo trains. Cmon. The best trees, they kinda only need two things. Peanut butter and chocolate. Not sorry. Reeses. Trevor welcome back to the daily show. When we die, we all have different ideas of what we want to happen to our bodies. Personally, i want my ashes to be scattered over the pool of a trump hotel. Out of respect. laughter but for many people in arizona, the afterlife is very different than what they expected. Ronny chieng has more as part of our new series, the united swing states of america. If youre going to talk about arizona, you have to talk about old people, because theyre everywhere here see . clears throat which brings me to death. Not no, not yours. Obviously, you still have a long road ahead of you. And here in arizona, people thinking about the afterlife are choosing something new whole body donation. More and more people are choosing to forgo traditional burial and just donate their bodies to science. There was a 20 increase in the number of people donating their body right here in arizona. Thats about 47,000 people. To investigate, i hit up a popular spot for the old folks to see if body donation really was all the rage. What do you want to happen to your body after you die . Id consider whole body donation. Have you considered body donation . Yes. I have it already set up. So you seem pretty old and close to death. What do you want to happen to after you die . Im going to be donating it to science. What made you think of doing that . I have no living relatives. Who is going to bury me . Do you have any friends . Yeah, they dont care about my body. Well, maybe they should care, because when i turned on the news, i discovered this. Scandal involving a body donation business in phoenix. The owner accused of selling bodies and body parts. Essentially running a chop shop for human body parts. A human chop shop . These were people, not cars you strip down for parts. I turned to a team of lawyers trying to end this horror. So what the bleep is happening in arizona . People are getting people to donate their bodies and telling them that theyre going to treat the bodies with dignity and respect. And they were sold off like you would sell off the parts of a cow. And then, ultimately, the f. B. I. Raided this organization here in arizona. So what did the f. B. I. Find . There were coolers and freezers of disarticulated body parts you know, a cooler of arms, a cooler of legs. They found heads. They found the torso of a large human male with the head of a small female sewn on the top all right, okay, we get it. Enough already anyone here have a puppy i can pet for 10 seconds just to clear my head . And they found a giant bag of penises. They found a bag of dicks . Yes. It was referred to as a large bag male genitalia. So it was a large bag of dicks. Yes. Im scared to even ask but what were they going to do with this large bag of dicks . Well, we can only speculate. We know some of it may have gone to the black market in Southeast Asia for Something Like penis wine. Okay, im from Southeast Asia. Ive never heard of penis wine. What is it . I think its wine that has a penis in it thats supposed to make people more virile. That is disgusting. I thought so. Is it red or white . laughter i didnt even get close enough to it to even what kind of flavor profile is this . Is it nutty . I didnt taste it. Is it notes of foreskin . laughter can we move on. This this this is a serious case. Oh, yeah, thats right, youre going to mention penis wine and not talk about it. This case is about the harm that was done to people and families, not about penis wine. Shes right. People thought they were donating their bodies for research to find cures for diseases. But instead it was reallife invasion of the body snatchers. How are they going to fix this . We need regulations, licenses, for example. You dont need a license to deal with dead bodies . Correct. You need a license to do nails. You need a license to fish. You need a license to drive a forklift. Pay your money, fill out a form, and youre a medical director. That has to change. This is bleep horrific. This is not just an arizona problem. Its a nationwide problem. And if you think its not happening in your backyard, youre mistaken. Okay, sorry, can we just go back to the penis wine for a second . laughter do they stomp on dicks the way they stomp on grapes . Are they squeezing out the penis or are they just fermenting it . I dont know. And im not sure i really want to know. No one should have their dead body violated or their genitals turned into a tasty beverage. If people are going to donate, they should at least know exactly what theyre getting themselves into. They need to know the truth. Until arizona puts regulations in place, all we can do is offer competing services. Introducing, giveronnyyourbody. Com. Just give me your body, and well take care of the rest. With us, youll know exactly what youre getting. We provide services such as. You turn into a human ventriloquist dummy. Used for weekend at bernie sequels. Literal body pillow. Seat filler at the oscars. Those are just some of the many things we can do. Sound horrifying . You betcha. But its also perfectly legal until arizona changes its laws. Giveronnyyourbody. Com. Give me your body. I want your body. Ronny chieng is unlicensed and has no experience in this field which is not a problem in the state of arizona. Trevor ronny chieng, everybody. And heres some good news those lawyers just won the case and got awarded 58 million for all of the victims. cheers and applause which means, ronny chieng, youre rich. Well be right back. cheers and applause if i score a goal, uhhuh, oh yeah, uhhuh and oh yeah. Its your turn to bring the snacks. [ding] fritolay variety packs. Packed with possibilities. Dont get them a sweater, give them the gift that always fits cash scan your pepsi. Get a match. And gift that money forward, to whoever you want keep the pepsi. Gift the cash. And gift that money forward, to whoever you want we ordered 10,000 units. That sounds good. Pretty cool, huh . Theyre speaking to mom in japanese, and mom hears them in english. Can you understand me . Yes, i can understand you. Okay. I have a lot of questions. How do you guys fly . What does santa do in the summer . Is mrs. Claus a good cook . Do you guys get presents . Can you roller skate or ice skate . cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. My guest tonight is an Academy Awardwinning actor who can be seen in the highly anticipated star wars the rise of skywalker. Shes also written a Childrens Book called sulwe. Please welcome Lupita Nyongo. cheers and applause hello hello trevor welcome back to the show. Thank you very much. Lets start by saying congratulations on all of your nominations. How many nominations do you have . Because sometimes i feel like instagram is just repeating a post, and then i realized, no, youve gotten nominated for another thing. Whats your latest nomination now . The Screen Actors Guild cheers and applause trevor thats for us. Yes, for us, yes, yes. Trevor are you a little bit worried that when you go to accept your award, are you going to kidnap you and then go accept the award on your behalf . Like, how do we know how do you we know youre you right now. Do you ever think of that . All the time. Trevor welcome back to the show. Thank you for having me. Trevor lets start off by talking about star wars. New movie coming out. Yes. Trevor maz kanata is your character. Yes. Trevor and youre coming back again. These are the most secretive movies, though. Like, the trailer doesnt give anything away. Right. Trevor which i enjoy. They dont let you tell us anything. Yeah. Trevor like like, why are we here . laughter well, you know, i dont know. I dont know. But it seems to work every time. Trevor it works every because the movies are amazing, but then, like, you cant tell me any normally i can ask you what happened in the story . Did this happen or that happen . I cant see it. Like, nobody knows what is going to happened. Its like lock and maybe one question, maybe you can tell us. Whats baby yoda like . Is he is he is he in the movie . You know, i know almost as much as you do, to be very honest. Trevor its crazy. They give you just what you need to know. Trevor right. So im curious as well. I cant wait. Trevor is it because they want you to go and watch the movie as well . I think so. Theyre that hardpressed query cash. Trevor no, lupita, youre going to come and watch the movie. But it must be really special for you being a part of such a major franchise. I mean, youve done so many epic films. Youre an oscarwinning actor, but at the same time, youre part of star wars. Was that something you thought about when you were growing up, im going to be part of the biggest franchise ever . It never occurred to me, i have to admit. And i watched star wars growing up, but i didnt know it was a cultural phenomenon. Trevor right. You know, i just liked, like, c3p0. It just came on on Public Holidays. So it was the Public Holiday movie and i got cast in star wars and my brother cried. And then i was watching, what is it, whos line is it anyway . And i realized star wars was pervasive in all popular cultures. One of the questions was, youre darth vader. And i was like, wow, everyone is all about canned star. And then there was this big splash about me being a part of it. And i was like o, oh,. Shit. Trevor trevor let me ask you this, then, is there a part of you thats happy that your character is like like, you wear the dot things and you do the acting, right . I am so glad. Trevor because star wars fans, like, the best fans in the world. Oh, yeah. Trevor but they will chase you. Theyre intense. Trevor and they will chase you with light sabers to get a selfie. A lot of people might not know youre in the movie. Yeah, the real buffs know that im in the movie. Trevor got it. But just, you know, lighter star wars fans dont. Trevor right. So i get away with being in it and also not being in it, which i like a lot. Trevor lets talk about the book now. We know Lupita Nyongo as an awardwinning actress. And now we should know Lupita Nyongo as a New York Times bestselling author, congratulations. cheers and applause thank you. Trevor the book has received many accolades. Sulwe, its a beautiful story about a young girl who has dark skin, unlike some of the other members of her family. Theyre all black people, but with different shades, and she shes the darkest. Whats really cute is it is a story about how she doesnt like her skin and the kids tease her in school. And she comes to learn through the magic of the stars why her skin is also beautiful. Yeah. Trevor its a story that is resonating with so many people, almost now, more than ever. Why did you feel you needed to tell this story, especially to children . Well, because i lived this. This is a very liberal autobiography. And i wanted to tell it to children because i think theyre the ones who really need to hear it most. You know, theyre at that impressionable age where theyre figuring out who they are and what their value is in the world. And i wanted to get to that child before the world had told them what they were worth so they could figure it out for themselves. So one of the things that sulwe does is through her imagination and through this journey in the night sky, she figures it out for herself. And i think thats an important message, because you cant really control how the world is going to treat you, but you can control how you treat yourself. And, hopefully, when you can love yourself, you can change the world around you with the light that you shine. Trevor thats beautiful. cheers and applause i think i i found it even more touching because i knew how personally you took the story. And you write about it in the back of the book. It seems like a great kids story, but then when you realize that this was your life, you start to understand how much of an impact it makes on people. In fact, just recently, Miss South Africa won miss universe. I know, congratulations trevor no, and she was saying she was saying how, you know, even for her, seeing somebody of dark skin with natural hair and just being an african woman being celebrated for her beauty was a milestone. A lot of people connected to that. If there is a child out there or anyone, even a grownup who says, like, lupita, i have had dark skin for so long. People say im not beautiful because of that dark skin. Is there anything you changed or found in your life that helped you find the beaut that you actually always had . Whoooo thats a good one. Anything that i did that helped me find myself, really. Well, i think what did i do . Uhm. I think i i i kept my imagination alive. I always fed my imagination. And thats where i found solace. And thats why it was so important that she had an imagination during this journey because when you have an imagination, you can create for yourself the person you want to be. You can you give yourself vision, and its so important to have vision, because thats what can take you from where you are to where you need to be. So i think thats really important. But i think its also about surrounding yourself with people who see the best in you, you know. And finding those people and holding on to them for dear life. For me, i was lucky. My parents really believed in me, and my parents, even when i didnt believe in myself, or when i got teased by other people, my parents were steadfast in their love. Trevor right. And so, even when i didnt want to hear it because it wasnt cool to listen to your mom, at the end of the day, she did not my parents did not tire from reminding me of the things that i needed to know about myself. And when the time came i could take that on and use it to move forward. Trevor and youve moved very far forward. applause thank you. Trevor thank you so much for being on the show. Congratulations on everything. Star wars the rise of skywalker opens in theaters december 20, and sulwe is a beautiful book thats available now. Go out and get it. Lupita nyongo, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause fast paced hip hop song playing througout thgreat stocking stuffers. Ke but how about rightnowinyourmouth stuffers. Happy holidays to your mouth. Not sorry. Reeses. 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