Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

The president clearly asked a foreign power to dig up dirt on a political opponent in exchange for military aid. audience gasps why does that surprise you . It matches up exactly with the president s transcript. Should i dance now . Now stay tuned for disguised and afraid. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, talkin turkey and the Democratic Candidates answer just one question. Plus, stephen welcomes jonathan van ness and brett gelman featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi so glad youre here hey thanks everybody. Please, have a seat. Thank you very much. cheers and applause thank you please have a seat, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause i dont i dont think im telling any tells out of school here when i say that donald trump is in trouble. But this time its double trouble thanks to two phone calls one with the president of ukraine in which he asked for dirt on joe biden, and another call with the president of turkey in which he sold out our allies the kurds. I assume, i assume for dirt on joe biden. In the end, trump may be defeated by his greatest weakness his achilles mouth. laughter its all detailed in the epic poem the idiod. laughter applause yeah. Its a homer joke. Its ahomer joke. Jon Homer Simpson is there its the idiot and the oddity. But thats just the tip of the dumbberg, because trumps calls with foreign leaders have long worried aides, leaving some genuinely horrified. So, these former aides were horrified, but theyre just telling us now . Well, its like the signs say if you see something, Say Something two years after we could do anything about it. laughter applause and its not its not new. Its not were all doomed this has been going on for a while. Just a couple weeks after taking office, trump gave Vladimir Putin a call that former officials described as obsequious and fawning, where trump was like, oh, my gosh. My people didnt tell me you wanted to talk to me as trump i mean, so few people want to. Sometimes i get so lonely, i call the recorded line for kars4kids just to hear a humans voice. 1877kars4kids be my friend today some of trumps calls were just bizarre, like one call with chinas president xi, where trump repeated numerous times how much he liked a kind of chocolate cake. Chocolate cake . Wait, where have i heard that before . We had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that youve ever seen, and president xi was enjoying it. Stephen i think i see whats happening here xi once told trump that he liked chocolate cake, and now trump wont stop bringing it up in an attempt to bond with him. Its like telling your aunt that your favorite animal is a frog when youre eight years old, and getting frog presents from her for the rest of your life. laughter by the way, aunt gloria,nk for the new apron. Times fun when youre having flies i love explaining that to people. Now, the most striking point about trumps phone habits are how different they are from his predecessors. An official from the obama years said, when i was at the white house, preparation for these calls was taken very seriously, but it appears to be freestyle and adlibbed now. Okay, so trump is making this up as he goes. Hes basically doing diplomacy like an improv team. Okay, everyone, welcome. Bring the lights up. Im about to call a foreign all i need is a suggestion of a country and something to tariff anybody . I heard switzerland and cuckoo clocks . We take you now to a proctologists office. On the moon. laughter trump might be in trouble over more than just the phone calls, because he just lost a big court ruling here in new york city. On monday, the president was ordered to turn over his tax returns to the manhattan d. A. cheers and applause there you go. There you go. Jon got to give them up now. Stephen that was building up. That was backing up on us. applause that was a long time coming. I think the whole audience just had a simultaneous w4gasm. For now, trumps lawyers are appealing and that is the only time ill ever use the words trump and appealing in the same sentence. But the ruling is pretty extraordinary when you read it. Apparently, trumps legal team argued that a sitting president cant be processed for any crime. The judge wasnt having it, saying it was repugnant to the Nations Governmental structure and constitutional values, and that the president s claim of absolute immunity conceivably could enable the guilty to go free. To which the defense replied, as trump bing, bing, bing, bing, bing now youre gettin it. This guy is good now, were also learning cheers and applause Bing Bing Bing bing, bong, big, bong, bing, bing, bang, bong. Were also learning about another of trumps fixations lie detector tests. According to former white house officials, the president is so obsessed with leaks, that he has frequently discussed whether to order polygraphs of white house staffers. Trump ordering a polygraph is like Keith Richards administering a drug test. I cant get no urine sample laughter trump wanted to use the lie detector to ferret out white house leakers, but so far, aides have been able to persuade him not to launch such a drastic step, arguing it would be counterproductive, mainly because any time a polygraph comes within ten feet of trump, it bursts into flames. laughter now there are still how many . 19. There are 19 democrats campaigning to be the one to face trump in the general election. Ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. First up on the donks is former Vice President and man whos hoping to win the primary in ooooooooklahoma, joe biden. During game three of the wba finals, biden tweeted about washington mystics player elena della donne, who was injured in game two elena della donne is the pride of delaware. Wishing her well as she recovers we need more professional athletes like her sharing their support for inclusive sports. Im looking forward to seeing her back on the court soon. That was very nice of him. Just one problem when biden tweeted that, della donne was playing in game three. Alleyoopsie its a little little awkward for joe. But it was better than his next tweet good luck to the baltimore colts next week in super bowl five give them hell, juney unitas then theres new jersey senator and man whose barber just turned the chair back around toward the mirror, cory booker. laughter booker is consistently polling at 2 , but morale is still high in his camp. Reportedly, booker team members are frustrated with his place in the polls. But they are, perhaps surprisingly, zen about the future of the race. It makes sense that theyre zen. When youre polling that low, you know the sound of one hand clapping. laughter back on the thank you. Back on the campaign trail, we saw a bit of an awkward moment for california senator and coworker who will have her revenge for not being invited to eat lunch outside, kamala harris. Harris was in nevada when she asked the crowd this question theres this whole conversation coming up about electability focused on our campaign. Is america for rey at . Audience noo. Well yes, they are. laughter stephen thats a callandresponse fail. as cheerleader gimme a k as crowd no laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Jonathan van ness is here. But when we return, my staff has some questions for Democratic Candidates. Stick around. Celebrating halloween . Well, if youre celebrating by eating reeses. Then no, youre actually late. Not sorry, reeses. Performance comes in lots of flavors. dramatic orchestra theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. S before she puts them in the dishwasher. So what does the dishwasher do . vo cascade platinum does the work for you. Prewashing and removing stuckon foods, the first time. mom wow thats clean vo cascade platinum. Burrito. Raw kitfo. Fried shiso. French fry. Iced chai. Tasty. Pad thai. Baked pie. Half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. Baby back. Pork chop. Soda pop. Kebab. Soursop. 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Folks, next week the democrats will hold their next president ial debate, which is surprising, since i didnt realize the last one had ended yet. The candidates are likely to face some tough questions from the moderators, but i know a lot of people here at the late show wish they could ask the candidates even just one question. Well, senators elizabeth warren, bernie sanders, and mayor Pete Buttigieg let them do just that. This is the late shows just one question. applause why do you think you can beat donald trump . Well, the American People, i think, are looking for the opposite of this president , and thats me. I know whats broken. I know how to fix it, and im building a Grassroots Movement to get it done. The American People are catching on that donald trump is not only a pathological liar. He is a fraud. If you could only pick one issue to focus on, what would it be . Corruption. We gotta make sure that our democracy is fair. I think an issue that has got to be dealt with is the planetary crisis of climate change. Hey, bernie, why you always talking about percentages . Thats a misconception. I actually only talk about percentages roughly 30 of the time. laughter and i only mention the top 1 of the top 1 , 50 of that time, tops senator warren, is it hard to be a woman in politics . Well, i mean, sure. Sometimes. I mean, for one thing, you are constantly being asked if its hard to be a woman in politics. But nobody ever asks a man if its hard to be a man in politics. I see. So is it hard to be a man in politics . Uh, i think you might be missing the point. Great answer. Wow, mayor pete, this is so exciting. Would you mind if i got a picture of you holding my baby . Sure, yeah. Thank you ready . Great, im just going to run home and grab my camera. Take good care of him, okay . If im not back, make sure hes asleep by 6 00. Uhm, okay. Uhh. Do you really think you can beat donald trump . In a general election . Yes. What about basketball . Absolutely. How about in a 5k . Oh, yeah. Game of chess . Yup. Ping pong . Yup street fighter ii . Yes oh, wait, arcade or super nintendo . Arcade. Yes. Hey, Pete Buttigieg. Youre that candidate that has an identical twin, right . Uh, no. Im pretty sure youre thinking of Julian Castro and his brother, joaquin. Oh, right. Sorry about that. No problem. Hey did someone just ask about me . No, bobby. I keep telling you, no one is asking about you. Oh. What do you think about candidates who pander to their voters on an emotional level . Well, ive found that people respond best to hearing about actual detailed policy, rather than just pandering to the lowest common denominator. And my new campaign advisor, mr. Poochy, agrees. Isnt that right . We like comprehensive proposals, dont we . Yes, we do oh senator warren i know youre a big fan of the tv show ballers. You tweeted about it. You even mentioned it in your book on the first page, no less. Just wondering, whos your favorite actor on that show . Good question i think its got to be the rock. Okay, sure, sure. But then, whos your second favorite actor on ballers . Oh, i think id have to go with dwayne johnson. laughter yeah, okay. Thats the same guy. But fine, fine. Whos your third favorite actor on ballers . Uh, the bald guy with the funny whos so funny in it . Rob cordry thats me no, im still actually thinking of the rock. All right, thats fine. I get it. I get it a lot. cheers and applause stephen thank you, rob well be right back. Oh oh oh ozempic® announcer people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of onceweekly ozempic®. In a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7 and maintained it. Oh under 7 . announcer and you may lose weight. In the same oneyear study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. 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Some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. I discovered the potential with ozempic®. Oh oh oh ozempic® announcer if eligible, you may pay as little as 25 per prescription. Ask your Health Care Provider today about onceweekly ozempic®. [classroom noise]] [hallway noise] ughh aye, yadada whoa, yadada know what i need yadada know where im at yadada oooo, yadada ooooo yadada me, aye dont stop, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you whoa i cant feel the heat blow a kiss, into the sun we need someone to lean on blow a kiss, into the sun all we need is somebody to lean on band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back give it up for jon batiste and the band, right there, everybody cheers and applause stephen now, folks, you know that i spend a lot of time right over there, raking the days biggest stories into perfect rows in the sand. Arranging the boulders and bonsai plants to form the zen garden that is my monologue. But every once in a while i like to chuck the shattered bottles, old tires, doorless refrigerators, and broken umbrellas into the abandoned back alley of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause never fails dont know why meanwhile, the latest gender reveisastehagone val once again strike out oh oh, no laughter stephen you know what . You know what . Sometimes a gender reveal actually reveals something deeper maybe you should go to the gym more. No word right now where that balloon is. Theyll just have to wait three months when it works its way out of a dolphins blowhole. Its a girl sad. Meanwhile, do you like alcohol but worry that simply drinking it doesnt look stupid enough . Well, great news. The gleetas released an original whiskeydrinking experience a collection of edible cocktail capsules made from seaweed, meaning no need for a glass, ice, or a cocktail stirrer. Stephen this is a real step up from the doityourself home version sucking gin out of a damp rag. laughter is and, look, these things must be good. Just look at how hard the people in the ad are working to like them to enjoy them, pop the capsule in your mouth, and take a bite to release the delicious cocktail ingredients. laughter jon oh oh, man oh laughter stephen wow, from the look on her face, that capsule might have been boofed. laughter now, glenlivet describes the capsules as the perfect flavor explosion experience. Fun fact that exact phrase also appears in the Online Dating profile of guy fieri. Meanwhile, digiorno will now deliver pizza in two cities. What . digiornos whole thing is that its not delivery. Its digiorno now we cant know anything tear up your history books and live in a cave nothing means anything give me one of those glenlivet suppositories now you know other chains are going to flip the script with their slogans. Get ready for arbys what we have is not meats. laughter meanwhile, its time for my latest meanwhile subsegment everything is killing us. Whats kill us now . I bet many of you have enjoyed those fancy new plastic tea bags. Bad news researchers have found that a single one of them releases around 11. 6 billion microplastic particles and 3. 1 billion even smaller nanoplastic particles into your cup. That is bad news for fans of Celestial Seasonings latest flavor thermalset polyeglean zinger. Researchers say humans eat an average of five grams of plastics each week, the equivalent of a credit cards weight in plastic. And explains capital one, whats in your colon . Its capital one. Meanwhile, theres a new set of garbage cans that automatically drive themselves to the curb for you. Or, as raccoons call them, ubers. Well be right back. cheers and applause announcer now, anywhere can feel more like chilis. With new chilis delivery and togo. Another foodie trip. Who even cares . 211 people. 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Stephen well, people know you from queer eye, a show thats really about other peoples lives and improving somebody elses life. But now you have written a memoir of your own life over the top. Whats it like to tell your own story . Uhm, it was. Enthralling, yet sometimes very terrifying. It was like i think its actually the hardest project i have ever done, the most i have ever worked on something. Stephen whats terrifying about it . Certainly you dont seem like a shrinking violet, youre ready to share. Because queer eye is not a show about the five of us. Its about the amazing people we get to help, there is not so much of an opportunity for me to tell all of my back story. So this was an opportunity for me to say, yes, i am in happy person who wants to talk about our hair and where it should live and what recalls we should think about and what our eyebrows should do. But theres more. And i think for me specifically, talking about, you know, my h. I. V. Status, or surviving sexual abuse, or having disordered eating issues, i wanted to be able to talk about these things. Because i think that a lot of times, people think if you have been through some hard times, like, you cant be seen as positive or gregarious or happy anymore. And i just wanted to show that an onion with all sorts of layers. Stephen you are very frank about addiction, depression, sexual abuse. And you say that you want people to learn from the book that how to bloom where youre planted. What do you mean by that . Well, i think, you know, my mom always said that to me. And its basically like it feels like the first cousin of no matter where you go, there you are. And its like we are ourselves wherever we go. And i think i realize growing up which i talk so much about growing up in my hometown, there are difficult aspects of it stephen where is your home town. Quincy, illinois. A role lovely place. Yillinois i just spent so much time growing up kind of being really very miserable, except unless i was playing in my imagination, like gorgeous Olympic Games or eating powdered donuts stephen actually eating powdered donuts or thinking about eating powdered donuts. Eating powdered moments while doing carpet skating routines during commercials for americas next top model. Whatever what was on. Really it was about taking myself in a creating moments of joy, creating pockets of joy for me to be able to thrive and have fun in, and moments that werent very fun. Stephen you talk in here about you reveal in the book your h. Ief h. I. V. , status, your h. I. V. Positive status. What have been the meaningful responses to that revelation . There has been so much support just in general from so many people that really made me feel very seen. And its beenue know, i felt very embraced by a lot of response that i got. I think, also, the most meaningful thing it made me realize is the real lack of understanding we still have what it is to live with h. I. V. Now, and the lack of a social safety net for h. I. Involvepositive people. When i had h. I. V. , initially, i was 25. I did not have the platform i had now. There were four different Government Programs i had to navigate myself and figure out how to i dont think im someone who doesnt take on information super well, and me doing it at 25, dealing with what i was dealing with at the time, it made it really difficult for me to find a doctor. It made it really difficult for me to access medicine. When people would say, like, queer eye star comes out with devastating h. I. V. Diagnosis. It should have been queer eye star comes out about the devastating way h. I. V. Positive people are treated and stigmatized in this country. People with antiviral therapy effectively have no chance of transmitting the virus sexually. Its just something that i dont think people realize now. I think a lot of people felt h. I. V. Aids was not a threat to them and something we dont think about. Actually, there is a rising threat of h. I. V. In america and across the world because of increased stigma and, like, lack of access to testing sites, like, say, a planned parenthood, when were constantly defunding planned parenthood. Planned parenthood gave tests for h. I. V. In the program they were just forced out. I realized just the huge lack of access that people have to information and the huge lack of support for People Living with h. I. V. In america. It is just so much harder than it needs to be. Stephen you say you were 25 when you found out . cheers and applause you were 25 when you found out . Yeah. Stephen how did that change your life . Other than, obviously, having to find the proper treatment to care for your positive status, how did it change, like, the way you looked at life, to be facing that at 25. What was going on . You said there was a lot going on in your life that was already difficult to deal with. What were those things gitalk about it in the book. I was struggling with drug addiction at the time, and, you know, when youre trying to find your way out of substance abuse, and then you realize that youre h. I. V. Positive, it can you really have a choice there. Am i going to go what am i going to do . And so what was going on in my life at that time was, you know, i was born in 1987, right. So growing up in the late 80s, early 90s, as a very clearly queer person from the time i was this big, my famliest very terrified of what h. I. V. Aids would mean for my future. I learned very young to be terrified of h. I. V. Aids and i talk about that in the book. When i was 25 the worst thing i thought could happen to me did. And what i realized with access to medication and a doctor when i found my first doctor and i said can i live to be 25 and she chuckles. Its in the book. Its hilarious. She said, honey, ill keep you alive long enough to dive a heart attack or cancer like everything else. And my mom thudded off from the chair. I heard this thud. And i was like, mom, you promised you wouldnt freak out. That story is in the book. Its all super funny. There is sad stuff, but theres funny stuff you. Stephen keep your ear to the ground about politics. Im very tuned in. Stephen we have a clip here. You endorsed elizabeth warren. And she called. She did. Stephen and both of you recorded this phone call. And i would love to shoapt audience that if you dont mind. Its senator warren. How are you . Im good, how are you . Im good. Im having a crazy day. Vee wee have to get that mitch out of there. Were going to take congress back, we already have damage. And then we have to get to the white house. Well sort everything out. Im going to keep doing these interviews. I cant believe you took time to talk to me. And ill talk to you soon. Talk to you soon. Be strong out there. Thank you, i will, you, too. Byebye cheers and applause displi feel the same way when i talk to her sometimes. Now weve got to go here in a minute. But i wanted to ask you about this. Verthis is very important. The Supreme Court just heard oral arguments for title vii yesterday, its a very important topic to you and other americans. What should we know about it . In 1964 we passed the Civil Rights Act and title vii of the Civil Rights Act said federally you cant discriminate on the base of sex. The Obama Administration had said you can google this, fact check it, do your own research. The Obama Administration heb interpreting that, and i think up until that point, through the Obama Administration, that had been extended to people, transgender folks and to gay and lesbian folks, bisexual whatever. The whole crew, all of us. And, basically, billiam barr, the attorney general, and the trumppence administration filed a brief and said congress at any time can rewrite any section of any law, any statute to cover more people, include more people. The crazy part about that, the equality act, which the house passed a few months ago, addresses that and reopened the act that title vii is attached to, the Civil Rights Act. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 has been opened to add l. G. B. T. Q. Americans into it and thats the very thing the Trump Administration said they wont sign on to. Mitch mcconnell wont bring it up for a vote. Y what is so troubling is we have a power grab in washington, where we have the house of representatives doing their part to pass laws as they see fit, and Mitch Mcconnell wont even bring them up for a vote to be debated against or debated on. Now, because we cannot pass the equality act with the present leadership in thaad is in force now, they brought this you up to the Supreme Court, and with kavanaugh and gorsuch, we dont expect a ruling 99july january, or june, of 2020. There are three cases. There is a transgender case, and two cases based on Sexual Orientation and its a huge, huge issue for l. G. B. T. Q. In america. Stephen depending how they rule, it could be legal to fire anybody based on their Sexual Orientation or identity. The way i understand yeah, absolutely. As president obama said, dont boo. Vote. I think next year its so important if you consider yourself an ally, i think its really were past the time where you can say, i dont watch the news. It stresses me out. Dont watch the news, go on twitter, talk to somebody about it. We have to keep our eyes and ears open. Right now, we are detaining asylumseeking families. We are separating families sentara at the southern border based on h. I. V. Status. We have 18 trans people so far we know of murdered this year. Five years straight we have steadily increasing hate crimes. We are currently in so much animosity and toxicity in this country people are being attacked every day. We absolutely have to talk. We have to keep our eyes open. And its like the metaphor in dantes peak. Remember, with pierce brosnan. Stephen i dont actually remember. Dantes peak with pierce bros nan. When they wanted to evacuate the volcano, and nobody listened to the mayor, and they bring in pierce brosnan, who i believe was the geologist, if you put a frog in the boiling water which we should never do if you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out, but if you put the frog in room temp, it will stay there. And i fear we are the frog and the Room Temperature water of america and were boiling cheers and applause stephen frog soup. Frog soup stephen well, theres so much theres so much more to talk about. Please come again. Please vme any time. It was such an honor. Stephen lovely to see you. I love you so much. Stephen thank you so much. Good to see you, jonathan. Over the top is available now. Jonathan van ness, everybody well be right back. Em smokeys. Curry. Fried turkey. Cacciatori. Chimichurri. Berry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. And them baby back baby backs. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. paul sprintern at special time its iphone season at sprint. paul switch and get. sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. And now you can get iphone 11 paul . For zerodollars a month when you trade in your iphone7 or newer in any condition. sprintern seriously, any condition paul and with sprints 100 total satisfaction guarantee you can try out the network and see the savings for yourself. sprintern can i get a. [air horn beep] its iphone season. Hey paul, do you love it . paul yeah. sprintern do you love it . paul i do. 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Dancing on the people i got people on the people, people [screaming] with the people on the people smoking co2 see me see you dancing on the people climb up on the booth hanging from the people on the people cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Folks, ladies and gentlemen, you know my next ghost from twin peaks, Stranger Things, and fleabag. I tried to kiss your sister on her birthday. My birthday fine, i mix up birthdays and i have an alcohol problem just like everyone else in this bleep country but i am here, and i do things i pick up jake from bleep . I make dessert for easter. I organize the downstairs toilet. I fired the humming cleaner. You enjoyed that. I hoover the car and put up all your certificates and dont make you feel guilty for not having sex with me i am not a bad guy i just have a bad personality its not my fault stephen please welcome brett gelman applause oh, my god oh, my god thank you thank you stephen there you go, hey all right oh, my god this is crazy people rising to their feet for me . Stephen exactly. What a wonderful thing. Stephen get used to it, gellman. I will. Stephen i saw you at the emmys. That was nice. Stephen an emmy for flea bag. Writing, director, acting, casting, the whole deal. Yeah, editor. Stephen your character, martin, in flea bag is not a likable guy. No. Stephen he has a terrible personality, as he says. But its not his fault. Your character in Stranger Things became lovable but was crazy to start off with, irascible. Do fans expect you to be do they love you for being a terrible person . Its very weird. Its always a very long experience, because ill be out, and then somebody will come up to me and theyll be like, oh, i hate you i mean, i love you. I love your acting. But because i love your acting, i hate you. But i love to hate you. But, you know, for that i kind of hate you because, you know, you kind of make me hate myself a little bit because i see some of myself in you. But i love you, and i hate that about you, but i love that about your acting. And thats thats like stephen thats very complex. Yeah. This little little dance we do, yeah. Stephen what did you think of the part of martin when you auditioned . I didnt audition. Stephen whoa yeah. Stephen thud. I didnt audition. Im one of those few actors from the beginning of my career it was offer only. No, im just kidding. No, it happened in a really random way. I got, like, a call on a wednesday from an amazon executive. And he was like, hey, weve got this terrible guy we think you would just be perfect for to play. Couldnt really think of anybody else for it. Well send you you know, we shopt the pilot and we have the scripts. Wed love you to do it. I was like, great, i cant wait to check it out. If you could let me know really soon because your first day of shooting is tuesday. Stephen wow. Over there. Over there. I flew to london. Never had been there before. Stephen never been to london . Now i have. Stephen wrong side of the road, wrong side of the road. Exactly. Stephen shocking, isnt it . Yeah, it is really shocking. Stephen you were in the sixthever episode of the colbert report. And i did not know this until this afternoon. I knew the bit i didnt want i didnt want to tell you the other night when i saw you upon pifs like, do i say this . I was telling you a lot of things, we may or may not connected. Stephen we had a recurring bit we wanted to do. We did it three times. We wanted to do it forever on the old show. The idea was we were the last show of the night on comedy central, and we would toss to the next show, when was the morning show that didnt exist, when we called yet another day. And you were the first cohost of yet another day. And i know its you, and i dont recognize you. Jim. Lets see what christina and spencer have planned for us tomorrow on our morning show yet another day. Thanks, stephen. Tomorrow on yet another day its we get a chick fren chicken soup to the soul contributor. She will be showing us how to make chicken soup for the stomach. Plus, ever wondered if you should pet your cad cat . Well fill you in on some of the hidden dangers. And ill try to forget i have a masters in journalism from columbia. All that and two other things on yet another day. Stephen do you do you remember . Because, literally oh, my god stephen literally, the show the show was six days old when we shot that. What did you think was like, this was going to be a longrunning bit . I mean, first of all, i watch it and i look like i was working the deli at you know Carnegie Deli over there. No, but i was like, oh, my god im a star now ive made it. Ive made it im on the colbert report. This is a bit. Ill be back. And then nothing. Stephen we cut you immediately. And i would like to apologize. I appreciate it. But i understand, i understand, you know, because you have a whole show to run. Youve got this really talented guy in there, and youre like, oh, god, i like him but i dont totally know how to use him. I like him a lot, but i dont want to see him all the time. You know. Stephen thats exactly what we said. Right. Stephen hes really good. Hed look better with a beard, but hes really good yeah, and way less hair. Stephen you have the same amount of hair. Do i . Stephen but now youre admitting it. Now youre admitting it. Then you were it was like this. laughter . No, well, they used to, like, fluff me up then. And i was like, dont do that. Dont do that. Just comb it. Stephen i love you. Theres nothing to fluff, im sorry. There was no fluffing available. There was no fluffing. I sometimes get asked, hey, do you want us to fill it in . I did it once. I did an episode i had one line on californication and they sprayed me down with Million Dollar hair they called it. Did not look like a Million Dollars. laughter it looked like another price. Stephen a million lira. Brett, so nice to see you. Stephen so great to see you. Stephen well get to your book next time. Fleabag is streaming on amazon now. Brett the late show. Tune in tomorrow when i interview Paul Mccartney and john oliver captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where it is you come from itll be all right its the lala