Tonight, Charity Begins at court. And the cast of star wars answers just one question. Plus, stephen welcomes mark harmon and comedian Caitlin Weierhauser featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey happy friday nice to see you beautiful you audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen good to see you. Happy friday hello, my friends thank you so much. Wooo wooo got that friday feeling. Got that friday feeling in this room. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is friday, and everybody is ready for the weekend. Trumps had another rough week on the impeachment front, but hes got something to look forward to this weekend. On saturday, hes going to the annual armynavy football game. Now, this is one sporting event where trumps got a pretty good chance of not getting booed. laughter and even if he is, the booing will be highly regimented sir, boo, sir permission to tell you that you suck, sir laughter applause soon soon soon, trump could have a whole new military team to root for, because this week, the house passed a bill to establish space force, which will be dedicated to handling threats in space. as trump lot of hightech threats up there. I hear theyve been making smaller and much more portable yodas. laughter even before the bill passed, trump was already boasting about space force. Its one of the biggest applause of anything. Its the sixth branch of the United States armed forces, the space force. Stephen its one of the biggest applause . as trump ill do anything people clap for who wants free beer force . How about nameofthetownim in force . but space isnt as lofty as it sounds, because the new space force will still be housed within the air force and be staffed by personnel within the air force who currently work on space. laughter thats right space forces headquarters will be in. Preexisting office space cheers and applause now, the reason House Democrats gave trump his space force is because the bill that established space force also contains their futuristic dream project paid parental leave for federal workers. cheers and applause that is great. Hell, yeah, that is really good. And you know what, im not surprised trump agreed to that. as trump makes sense. When things get parental, i always leave. But trumps not just getting cool space toys this holiday season. Hes also going to be doing some giving. This week, we learned he paid 2 million to eight charities. Thats a generous gift that came straight from the heart of the new york court system. Because donald trump only gave a dime because he was ordered by a judge who found the president had illegally used funds from his supposed charity, the donald j. Trump foundation. This is an exciting modern twist audience booo stephen yes, i agree. This is an exciting modern twist on the ending to a christmas carol. as scrooge you, boy down there what day is it, boy . as child why, its the day youre legally compelled to give to charity, sir laughter ive got a subpoena for a Christmas Goose darling boy charming boy in court, donald trump admitted to shocking misuse of his charitys funds, including giving his own president ial campaign 2. 8 million from a veterans fundraiser, and spending 10,000 on a portrait of himself. as trump it is so beautiful. Its look a mirror that doesnt know when im naked. laughter this i like trumps three adult kids were officers of the foundation, and as part of the settlement, eric, don jr. , and ivanka were ordered to undergo mandatory training to ensure they do not engage in similar misconduct in the future. That must have been a big day for eric. as eric guys it was so fun it was so fun to hang out together at mandatory Charity Class hey, lets have a class reunion right now come back come back ill give you money to stick around isnt that isnt that how Charity Works . laughter cheers and applause love me. Mandatory charity training. Mandatory charity training mandatory charity training his children had to go to mandatory charity training. What kind of test do you have to take at the end of that course . Question 1 charity is a voluntary giving; b the name of the lady dad says to never tell melania about. laughter now im sorry. Did i just break some news to you about his fidelity . Trump didnt get to choose which Charities Got his courtordered donations, and you can tell, because one of them is the United Negro College fund. cheers yes, good for them. Give, give, give, an excellent charity. And we have a photocopy of trumps check to them. Whats on the memo line, jim . as trump do i get to say it now . Audience oooh stephen of course, there are still plenty of candidates competing to give america the greatest gift of all a different president. And ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. cheers and applause raise teachers wages stephen tonight on kickin donks, the current front runner is former Vice President and High School Principal dropping his rap song about summer reading, joe biden. This week, four unnamed biden advisers told politico that the candidate has been quietly telling people that if hes elected, he would serve only a single term. What a selfless, patriotic pledge. It reminds me of William Henry harrisons famous slogan, tippecanoe, and i will die after 31 days in office. laughter promises made. Promises kept. The advisers claim the strategy is designed to appeal to Younger Voters who are unexcited by bidens candidacy. Well, thats like trying to convince someone to marry you because of all the great stuff theyll get in the divorce. laughter next up on goin down to donkey town, new jersey senator and man in coach staring longingly into first class, cory booker. Senator booker did not qualify for the upcoming december debate, but hes been getting some help on the campaign trail from his girlfriend, movie star rosario dawson. The New York Times shared a curious tidbit about booker and dawsons relationship. When theyre not together, the new jersey senator reads her books over the phone, and sometimes leaves the days passage on voice mail. Thats how you get a movie star girlfriend . He better hope she never finds out about audible. laughter applause according according sure, audible. Why not sure there you go. According to the times, theyre currently working their way through welcome to the monkey house, which is either the classic short story collection by Kurt Vonnegut or the latest white house tellall. Speaking of tellalls, theres another actual insider account of the trump administration. This one is called trump and his generals the cost of chaos. The cost of chaos, by the way, is 15. 99. The book is by National Security expert peter bergen. He writes about a meeting in 2017 where trump saw a satellite image of the north korean peninsula, showing lights of china and south korea and the blackness of north korea in between, which trump initially mistook for an ocean. as trump wait a second. So north korea is under the sea . I have it on Good Authority from a singing crab that thats a very nice place. laughter applause so to help trump figure it out, officials brought out a map, which made trump even more confused. Evidently, when he saw that seoul was just 30 miles south of the demilitarized zone, the president asked, why is seoul so close to the north korean border . I mean, look at it its, like, two inches away and look at our map somebody put hawaii in a box in the corner but i cant have a border wall. In january of 2018, trump saw a fox news segment warning u. S. Citizens to steer clear of south korea. So he rushed to tell pentagon officials, i want an evacuation of american civilians from south korea. He was warned that such an evacuation would be interpreted as a signal that the u. S. Was ready to go to war and would crash the south korean stock market. Trumps response . Go do it trump saw something on fox news, almost destroyed the korean economy and started the second korean war. For the good of the nation, please, someone, switch his tv over to the food network as trump american citizens Must Immediately evacuate flavor town so delta force can bring guy fieri to justice. laughter speaking of other countries finland. They just wrapped up their election, and after her landmark win on sunday, sanna marin will become the worlds youngest Prime Minister at the age of 34. cheers and applause yes, thats extraordinary. 34 years old. Unbelievable. This millennial caught a lot of buzz with her Campaign Slogan bad finnish accent okay, boomer. laughter but i dont speak finnish, but i help thats okay. This isnt her first prominent government role, because marin is the countrys former transportation minister. And she got that role at an even younger age because of her experience in how the wheels on the bus go round and round. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight mark harmon is here but when we come back, the stars of star wars spill their secrets stick around there he is. Oh, wow. Youre doing, uh, youre doing really great with the twirling. Dad, if you want to talk, i have a break at 3 00. Okay, okay. Im going. Im gone. Like like i wasnt here. [ horn honks ] keep keep doing it, buddy. Switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. You know, like the sign says. You can get bothressive andan unlimited plandreds. paul sprint has great news for you and your family. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 paul . Included for just 35 a month when you switch. sprintern whoa, what a deal paul now, thats a way to take it to 11. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin relief. Get skin healthy™ or these. Good thing theyre sold literally everywhere business is done. Im pretty sure you could buy them at a bank. Not sorry. Reeses. Not orry. Dont get mad. Get e trade, dawg. Mucinex cold flu allinone. Fights. Oh no. Nonono. Did you really need the caps lock . Mucinex cold and flu allinone. whistling band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody jon, jon, i gotta say youre looking splendid in velvet tonight. Jon yes, indeed, velveteen, gotta get it. Stephen that looks very warm. Jon yeah, its cold in here. Stephen yeah. Even for this place its cold right now. Is everybody is everybody warm enough . Jon there it is. They said it. There it goes. Stephen i shouldnt have asked. Okay. Jon, mark harmon is here. Jon mark harmon. Hes been around forever cheers and applause stephen ncis, 17 seasons. Unbelievablal. Jon hes great. Stephen unbelievable, cant wait to talk to him. Folks, im so excited for next weeks release of star wars the rise of skywalker. Finally, finally, well get answers to all of our questions how does the skywaker saga end . Who are reys parents . Why does the ice planet hoth have a singing snowman . And did i accidentally buy a ticket for frozen 2 . Now, clearly, im not the only one who has questions. Everyone here at the late show wishes they could ask the cast of star wars just one question. And tonight, we let them do just that. This is the late shows just one question star wars edition. Whats it like to be part of the conclusion to the original star wars saga . It definitely feels like youre a moment youre a part of a moment of history. It feels very fulfilling to have contributed to this epic, epic saga. Hey, daisy ridley, how did you learn to do reys alien accent . Do you mean this accent . The one im speaking in right now . Yeah, what planet is that from . Its from england. laughter is it near the planet jakku . Sure, next question. Did any of the veteran star wars actors give you any helpful advice . Yeah. Harrison ford actually pulled me aside and said, dont ask me for any advice or ill kill you. That was very helpful. What would you do if you had the force . Id probably do this. choking hey, j. J. , can you test my midichlorian level . We dont really get into midichlorians in this movie. Oh, okay, because i actually brought a bunch of my blood to test to see if maybe im a jedi. Please put that away. Oscar isaac, whats it like to have an action figure of yourself . Oh, come on, please, dont act like you dont know. What are you talking about . Im talking about the bill marko Graphic Designer action figure. Where did you get that . Run over here and do my photoshop. Stop it kick my pencils not cool, man. I have to ask could you maybe no i cannot get you a baby yoda. I have nothing to do with the mandalorian. No further questions. My kid made this cardboard light saber, and i was wondering if youd be willing to sign it. Oh, this is so cute they even put a button on it. Dont touch that. Oh wow yeah, okay, this is really advanced and accurate. Yeah. Were home schooling him because of the playground incident. laughter hey, oscar isaac, who is your favorite star wars character . Definitely spock. Im pretty sure thats star trek. Excuse me. I think i know. Im the guy who plays poo. Its poe. You think, you know better than me, right . Yeah, you play poo, okay . Ive never seen any of the star wars movies. Could you quickly tell me what theyre about . Sure, it all starts with a negotiation over trade routes so obviously, to look into it, they send two wizards into outer space. The wizards become best friends with a little boy, but the boy grows up to be real weird. So one of the wizards slices him with a big glow stick and leaves him in a bunch of lava. But the boy had a secret wife who had secret twins. One of the twins gets adopted into a rich family and then becomes a princess and the other one is just a basic farmer. And then 19 years later, the farm boy randomly runs into his dads old robot. And finds out a strange man with a respirator made a metal planet that shoots other planets. So then the farm boy and his friends explode the metal planet, but then the bad guy makes another evil metal planet. So then they explode that one, too. Then farm boy helps kill the bad guy because he thinks the bad guy killed his dad. But it turns out, the bad guy was his dad. And, also, he kisses his sister. And then the farm boy moves to an island without telling anyone. Meanwhile are his nephew helps make another planet that shoots planets and he kills his dad. And a bunch of people explode that planet with the help of chewbacca, which is like a dog manthingamajiggybob. Finally a junkyard lady tracks down the farm boy and gets him to fight his nephew. The farm boy sends his own ghost to the fight and disappears into a pile of robes. And thats star wars. Pretty simple, really. applause stephen thank you, j. J. And the cast of star wars. The rise of skywalker is in theaters december 20. Well be right back. Okay, i have to say something. With the capital one venture card, you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase, every day. Not just on airline purchases. Holy matrimony thats a lot of miles anyone else . Whats in your wallet . 12. 99 all you can eat now with boneless wings. Only at applebees. Thats a reason to switch to jackson hewitt. Our tax returns come with a free lifetime accuracy guarantee. Life may change. Your lifetime accuracy guarantee wont. Tax prep guaranteed at jackson hewitt. Your lifetime accuracy guarantee wont. For powerful relief from cold and flu symptoms without a prescription, try theraflu multisymptom. Theraflu dissolves in seconds, so its ready to work before your first sip, and absorbs quickly to target and attack 8 cold and flu symptoms fast. Try theraflu. What shes ziplining with little jon . Its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Two bacon, two sausage, this is the two eggssuper slam. Hash browns and pancakes and now make those pancakes all you can eat for a buck. Thats where the duper comes in. The all new super duper slam just seven ninety nine. See you at dennys. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight as the star of ncis, now in its 17th season on cbs. Please welcome to the late show, mark harmon applause cheers and applause oh, you got that photo. cheers and applause stephen welcome, welcome to the show. Happy to have you here. Thank you. Happy to be here. Stephen i know you dont do a ton of talk shows. I dont. Stephen and so were so happy to have you here. Any time i meet somebody who did something that you did, i want to talk about it for a second, because im kind of jealous. You went on carson. I did. Stephen tell me what that was like. Because i would love to have ever met the man. He was incredibly nice and part of the advantage for me there is i didnt know what to expect, i mean, i knew later that he could destroy you if he wanted to. Stephen sure, friendly tiger. Yeah. Stephen what year are we talking here . 1902. Stephen oh, wow it was you. It was William Howard taft. And keith richards. Well, yeah, no you know, the he was a really nice man. And i was on the show, actually, twice. I did it once, and then the second time i went back, they had a comic on there that i didnt know was going to be on there. And he was he was a comic that i really loved, and i walked out, and he was sitting in the seat here. And i was behind the curtain. I didnt know he was there. And i walked out, i just couldnt believe he was here, because i knew all his albums stephen who was it . Come on, you know who it was. laughter stephen tell tell me one of his jokes. Were both catholic, you and me. Stephen yes, yes. And every catholic kid that i know stephen it was George Carlin. Yes, it was, sir. applause and stephen thats another thing to be jealous i never got to meet carlin. Well, i had never met him either. I had worked his concerts. I had worked concerts as a kid in college. He was sitting there, and carson was where you were, and i couldnt believe it was George Carlin, which gave carson what he loved to do which is pretend that he was being ignored. Which he did the whole show. But i knew all of his bits. Stephen did your parents know you listened to George Carlin when you were younger . Because he was famous for the seven dirty words you can never say on television. Yes, he was. Stephen do you know what they were . I do, but stephen but we cant say them, exactly. What was the first talk show you ever did . First talk show, i dont remember, it might have been merv griffin, but im not sure. But i did a really forgettable movie called beyond the poseidon adventure. Stephen sure, yeah. And they invited me to go on this talk show, and i had never been on a talk show, and so i was the last guest, and so i was in the waiting room while all six of the others went out there, and what i didnt know is the first guest gets to talk longer and as you go towards the end of the show, your time shortens. So by the time i got out there, literally, i had less than 30 seconds. Probably 26 seconds. I dont know what it was. I was there. And they came back from a commercial. And the host said, hey, werent you a Football Player . And and and peter boyle, who was also in the movie, he took the question. He was down there. And he went, i played football so all of a sudden the cameras went over here. And all i know is i was just kind of listening to him tell a football story. And Michael Caine, who was there also, knew what was happening, and he jumped in. And he just said, football, whatever, i dont know whatever else he did, but hes a good young actor and people should know that about him. Like eight seconds. Stephen wow. Yeah, it was so nice. Stephen and what did you say . Nothing. laughter stephen literally your first talk show. Not one word. Not one word. Stephen not everybody can say that. Not everybody can say that. Im proud of that. Stephen good for you. Congratulations. I have i have i really wanted to get the story behind this photo right here. Youre in town because you received an award from the National Football foundation, which also honored you back in 73 as a student athlete at the time. Right. Stephen and this is a photo of you is this at the ceremony . It is. Stephen so, this is you at the ceremony. Thats you right there. And whos this gentleman right here . Uh, thats my dad. Stephen thats my dad. And this guy the duke. Stephen john wayne. Yeah. Stephen okay, i want to get to wayne in a second. Okay. Stephen can you explain this tuxedo there . laughter applause stephen because, listen, youre a handsome man. You were a vibrantly handsome young man. Not even you can make that tuxedo work. What what . I i came from california. I did not know. I brought a suit. I got here, and they said, you have to have a tux. Again, 1973. There was a tux store across the street. I walked across the street. There was a dovegray tuxedo in the front window with a frilly, puffy shirt. And that was me. Thats all i can say. applause stephen you look in this, you look like one of the rejected osmond brothers in this. What was what was the duke like . Did you get to talk to john wayne. No, no. We all waited in line. We were excited to meet him. And all night, all night he called me rebel. Stephen why . Because i had a gray tuxedo on. Stephen he thought you were some damn hippie. He signed my program, to the rebel, may the wind also be at your back, john wayne. Stephen do you still have it . Yes, i do. Stephen you have lived a rich life, mark harmon. No, i just have a little library. Stephen you have a long and successful acting career. Did you have any mentors, any people who gave you advice . I did. I had a lot of them. And there are many that Michael Caine stands out. And who stands out maybe more than the other ones is karl malden who was also in the poseidon adventure movie i talked about before. The guy who directed that was a guy named irwin allen and he was called at the time the master of disaster. Stephen right, the towering inferno. He did all those movies. I didnt know anything about it. I was just happy to get the part and i was on the set and i didnt know he was a screamer, but he was a screamer. And he he got in Michael Caines face. And Michael Caine heard, like, two words and was gone. And then i think sally was there, and gone. And slim pickens, gone. And he went through the whole line, and he got in my face and im a jock, so if you scream at me, i just stand there and listen to you. laughter and he did that for three days. And then, on the third day, someone just stepped between me and me and him yelling at me. And that guy, i just saw him from the back put his hand right in his chest and went like this and said, from this moment on, if you have anything to say to the kid, you say it to me first. Do you understand me . And irwin kind of puffed up and walked away. And the guy turned around. It was karl malden. And he said, ive been watching you and you look like you like to learn. Do you like to learn . I said, i like to learn. He said, well, i like to teach. How about im your teacher. Ill be your teacher for 27 weeks, every day here. Stephen wow. And that was like my master class. But he said, im going to give you your first lesson. Okay, first lesson. Never try to be bigger than the star of the movie. I said, okay. He said you know who the star of this movie is . I said, Michael Caine . He said no. laughter sally field . No. You . No. Its the bleep ship thats what he said. laughter stephen its the poseidon adventure. Yeah. Stephen now, i got i gotta ask about this one now. I gotta ask about this one. This is an incredible photograph. Yeah, yeah. Stephen this is what year are were talking here . Thats probably 1923. Stephen this is you and Elizabeth Taylor in sweet bird of youth, the great Tennessee Williams story. And she was such fun. And she had she had a thing in her contract, she worked eight hours a day and that was it. And shed arrive in the morning and she was in wardrobe and made up and she would get out of her car and she was ready to work. And she had a woman who would come on the stage at eight hours, and she would go like this, and wherever we were, she would stand up and go, good night, and be gone. And then wed work for another six hours. And i ended up doing all my closeups that first week with a standin, which is hard because, its a nice person but its not an actor, right. So i was having a hard time. And i went to the producers and said, i have a problem here. They said, well, do you want us to do about it . Its in her contract. So now its monday and were out on location in altadena somewhere, and for some reason that day shes been there two hours longer than her time and Everybody Knows it. And its a working crew, everybodys moving, were in a practical location. Shes sitting in a couch, im standing right behind her, im on my mark. People are moving lights, and shes just sitting there like this and noise and people, production, and all of a sudden in a voice about this loud, she says, all i have to say and everybody stops. Everybody stops. And she waits until its dead silent. And she said, is, today, i have been here two hours longer than i am supposed to have been. Im standing behind her, and i go, hey, elizabeth, all i gotta say is welcome to the bleep club. laughter and she she turned on me like that with those blue eyes, like that. And she went, oooh and i said, no, im not pitching you any grief at all, im really not. But heres the deal, you go home and we work another eight hours and were never going to get this done. And she turned around and she just sat there very still. 20 minutes, sat there. Theyd come out, and theyd go, were ready. She goes, good night, and she got up and left. So im looking to get fired, right, right . Stephen sure. Next day, and from that point on to the rest of that picture, shes there every moment of that film to do everything there is to do. And at the wrap party, which she had at her house with butterfield 8 oscar and whos afraid of virginia wolf standing on that mantle, she wants to meet you at the door. And as you leave she has a present for you, stephen, and she wants you to open it as she gives it to you, its a sterling silver frame and a cast and crew picture, and it says thank you very much, Elizabeth Taylor. And she gives me a little box, and its a 1959 Hamilton Electric watch, solid gold. And on the back, you flip it over, it says, m. H. , two hours, ticktock, love you, too. applause stephen put that next to the wayne. Put that next to the wayne. You can open a museum. Theres your retirement right there. We have to take a little bit of a break, but dont go away. When we come back, we will talk about season 17 of ncis with mark harmon. Well be right back. In one week. A lot will happen in your life. Wrinkles just wont. Neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repairs dermproven retinol works so fast, it takes only one week to reveal younger looking skin. Making wrinkles look so last week. Rapid wrinkle repair® pair with retinol oil for 2x the wrinkle fighting power. Neutrogena® beeping tires screeching beeping this is protection in a world of distraction. This is value you cant ignore. Get zero percent financing for 60 months and save one thousand on the 2020 rogue. Find your breaking point, then break it. Every emergenc gives you a potent blend of nutrients. So, you can emerge your best, with emergenc. Gnocchis. S. Raviolis. And them smokeys. Curry. Fried turkey. Cacciatori. Chimichurri. Berry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds half stack. Taco pack. Lobster mac. And them baby back baby backs. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. When you switch you get 4 free phones and a super reliable, super fast network. So make the best move of the year and switch to boost mobile. But he wanted snow for thelace holidays. Ear so we built a snow globe. Ill get that later. Dylan but the one thing we could both agree on was getting geico to help with homeowners insurance. What . Switching and saving was really easy i love you what . Sweetie hands off the glass. Ugh call geico and see how easy saving on homeowners and condo insurance can be. I love her you know, the happiest place on earth, but. Have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy . Or channeled your inner jedi . You gotta love that. Have you raced through radiator springs . Or struck a power pose with them . Now is the perfect time to feel like this. And this. And definitely that. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, were here were here with ncis mark harmon. Were approaching the finale of the fall season of ncis, 17th season, of ncis. The its the fall finale, right . cheers and applause its just the Christmas Show, really. Stephen this is the Christmas Show . We still do 24. Stephen so tuesday is the Christmas Show for ncis, 17th season. Were about to weve got a clip here. What are we seeing . Its the return of character ziva david, and shes come back to do one Unfinished Business kind of thing, and this is her and i shes doing a little too much and gives my character my character is trying to keep control of her, which she doesnt take very well. So i think thats the scene youve got. Stephen i hope so. I hope so. Jim. Gibbs. What happened . Are you okay . Are you . The number i gave you, it was for emergencies only. Yeah, i figured there had to be one. Its the only way you would have pulled in one of my agents behind my back. What . Bishop called me, said she did some kind of underground pickup for you. I do not know anything about this. I swear to you on my life. Then what the hell is going on . applause stephen the most i want to say, the most popular drama in the world. Tuesday nights, on cbs, please, dont ever stop doing it. Because my leadin from that show is delicious, mark harmon. Thank you so much. After after youre in the middle of the 17th year. After 16 seasons, halfway through 17, do you have a favorite moment, a favorite memory of doing this . Nobody does a show that long. The other night, we were out in hollywood, working late, 95 of the cast was working, and we all got together and went to dinner. I mean stephen thats nice. That doesnt happen. So youve got a bunch of people there who love their job and theres a responsibility in that, there has been over a number of years. You work with these people every day, and it only works when people want to be there. And im proud of being there for 17 years, certainly. But im more proud of the crew, and that someones been able to buy the fishing boat they always wanted or maybe even the little small condo in hawaii. Stephen sure, yeah. Mark, thanks so much for being here. Lovely to meet you. Ncis airs tuesday nights at 8 00 right here on cbs. Mark harmon, everybody. Well be right back. cheers and applause where these sunsoaked litea leavesactory. Are picked at the peak of freshness. For a naturally smooth taste. And drinking lipton every day can help support a Healthy Heart but we figure it out. In fact, people are always doing impressive things. So how come all these people who do wildly challenging things feel like they cant do their taxes . Were talking about a bunch of babybirthing, officediscoing, zerogravitytoothbrushing, latenightchainsawsculpting, dogwalking people. We believe people can be good at anything. Yes, even taxes. Intuit. Turbotax. Yes, even taxes. Hey allergy muddlers. Achoo . Do your sneezes turn heads . Try zyrtec. It starts working hard at hour one. And works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Zyrtec muddle no more. When life changes, so do your taxes. Thats a reason to switch to jackson hewitt. Our tax returns come with a free lifetime accuracy guarantee. Life may change. Your lifetime accuracy guarantee wont. Tax prep guaranteed at jackson hewitt. You can get both an unlimited plan your lifetime ac paul guarantee wont. Sprint has great news for you and your family. sprintern . And the powerful new iphone 11 paul . Included for just 35 a month when you switch. sprintern whoa, what a deal paul now, thats a way to take it to 11. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. If youre living with hiv, and ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectabe can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Mucinex cold flu allinone. Fights. Oh no. Nonono. Did you really need the caps lock . Mucinex cold and flu allinone. Beyond the routine checkups. Beyond the notsoroutine cases. Comcast business is helping doctors provide care in whole new ways. All working with a new generation of technologies powered by our gigspeed network. Because beyond technology. There is human ingenuity. Every day, comcast business is helping businesses go beyond the expected. To do the extraordinary. Take your business beyond. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. My next guest tonight is a standup comedian making their Network Television debut. Please welcome, Caitlin Weierhauser cheers and applause whats up, new york and the world wooo wooo wooo we need better gun rules wooo cheers and applause a lot, like, a really lot. Ive known this since i was ittybitty. I grew up out in the woods in oregon, away from civilization. Sure, it was weird, yeah. I believed in my heart and body and soul that ewoks lived in the forest behind my house. Yeah, from the time i was little and also for way too long, yeah. laughter second thing, is that i got a gun before a bicycle. Okay. Yeah, we need better rules. Also, because the first thing i tried to do with my gun was hunt an ewok. laughter oh theyre not critters. You know that, right . No, they have a language, and a culture. Theyre a people theyre a people. Yeah. And i was like im going to murder one, okay. Barbecue it probably. We need better rules. I was raised just by my dad, which probably explains. You know. laughter all right. Explains why i turned out perfect, i think . laughter yeah. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I know thats not why im butch. I know my dad didnt make me butch. I found out recently, i think, why i am like this. Its because i found out recently that i was the first girl born in my and girl is a strong term. Lets stop there. I feel like im, like, part time, like tuesdays and thursdays, you know what i mean . Yeah. I found out i was the first girl born in my family in five generations, right . And the second i learned that, i was like, oh, that makes a ton of sense, yeah, yeah. laughter oh, yeah, there it is. I definitely feel like a first draft. You know what i mean . laughter yeah. Thank you. cheers and applause i feel like five generations of dads just got together and they were like, ah, all right i guess we can make the other kind. Make her sturdy, for sure. Lets do that, yeah. Look like she can chop wood. Do that. Make her good at sports . No . All right, theater, how about that . Lets make her look like home depot needs a bouncer. laughter i have been trying to live my best life. I have been trying to do the most, be the most. Ive been playing this fun game where i update my gender every season. Anyone else . Anyone . Anyone else . Get on my level do you understand me . Choose your own adventure be who you are the world is your ashtray. laughter been updating my gender, i think i finally found mine, though. I think i finally settled on p. E. Teacher. Yeah. Yeah, i think i nailed it. laughter it feels right. Do you feel it . Do you see it . Do you hear it . Johnson, hustle applause i know yeah i will say, also, as a proud butch american, that there are some privileges that go along with the job. Like, i get fun conversation starters. Lets call them that. I get yelled this at least three times a day sirmaamnolady daddy . Ah. laughter miss. Ster. Ry . laughter coach . Yup. Yeah. applause you can go ahead and walk that one off, yeah. You can take a lap. That is fun. There is one i will admit i get that i dont like, is my least favorite. I wish it would stop. Sing along if you know the words. Its just this this is the ladies room its rude. Startling. Im in line to go peepee. Knock it off. Also, screw you, amber we came in here together laughter no, you know what, im going to take your purse and you can earn it back when you learn to mind your manners. Thank you all so much. Youve been wonderful. cheers and applause stephen Caitlin Weierhauser, everybody. Well be r ht back. Yeah, you know the happiest place on earth, but. Did you know this is where you can harness your inner jedi . And tear around radiator springs . Or get your flex on with the incredibles. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Stephen good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun and feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show