Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20240713

Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight mr. Schiff goes to washington. Plus, stephen welcomes john mulaney. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on oh hey, nice to see you lovely. Hey, everybody, please, have a seat. Good to see you. Happy wednesday. Happy hump day, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause it is day two oh, the excitement in the air. Everybody knows its day two of Donald Trumps Senate Impeachment trial. And if Mitch Mcconnell if Mitch Mcconnell has his way, this trial will go just like Donald Trumps dating career quick and disappointing, and no questions asked. Also, i would like 130,000 to forget i ever met him. And i will tell you all about it in tonights don and giant impeach. Hes such a pain in the ass. laughter stephen now. laughter once again, the lead manager of the case today was adam schiff. It was gratifying to see someone taking the constitutional responsibility of their office seriously. He laid out the case against the president clearly, passionately, cogently, and i believe, courageously. Because whether or not President Trump is removed from office, history will not forgive those who looked the other way at his abuses, or forget those who stepped into the breach at this moment of crisis. So, no surprise, the numberone trending topic on twitter was. Mr. Peanut. laughter evidently, he died. Okay, okay but number two. Was gritty. laughter were doomed. Number three was the trial. Schiff was ready even before the trial started. There was a rumor circulating that republicans would allow democrats to call john bolton as a witness, if they could call joe biden. But schiff shot that idea down. Trials arent trades for witnesses. This isnt like some fantasy football trade. Stephen hes right. The senate trial isnt like fantasy football. For one thing, if you Start Talking about the senate trial, i wont leave the room. laughter at 1 00, schiff took to the well of the senate and played the hits President Trump responded by saying, i would like you to do us a favor, though. The socalled three amigos. Everyone was in the loop. Stephen woo do quid pro quo woo do drug deal woo cheers and applause schiff stood there today in front of his audience discussing the president s corruption and incompetence using graphics, audio, and video of witnesses, even clips of trump incriminating himself. Hey, schiff youre treading on my turf. laughter if i find out youve got a house band, im suing. laughter schiff laid out his premise clearly and passionately. The only conclusion consistent with the facts of law not just the law, but the constitution is clear. If this conduct is not impeachable, then nothing is. Stephen as trump really, nothing . Woohoo Corruption Party at my place first one there gets to replace lincoln on the five laughter now, you couldnt help cheers and applause you could not help jon abraham. Stephen you could not help but be moved by the historic nature of the event unless you were senator rand paul, because according to one reporter, every few minutes, rand paul keeps flipping through his notebook to do bits of a crossword. Lets see here, lets see here. Sackless trump toady. Eight letters. Oh rand paul there you go. There you go. I do have a pen. I do have a pen. cheers and applause while the trial was mostly full of material weve heard before, there was some breaking news. Our own cbs News Reporter grace segers reported the scoop. Tom cotton has milk this is not a drill. He has a glass, in addition to his glass of water. He is the first senator ive seen to request and get milk. I repeat, tom cotton has milk wow wow, tom you know that must have pissed off Bernie Sanders. as bernie tom cottons milk must be evenly distributed through the senate. Right now, 1 of the senators have 100 of the 2 cheers and applause its a shame. Its a shanda. Yesterday, the trial went until nearly 2 00 a. M. That is late can we see how it ended . I ask unanimous consent that the trial adjourn until 1 00 p. M. Wednesday, january 22. And that this order also constitute the adjournment of the senate. closing time without objection, so ordered. The senate is adjourned. Closing time open all the doors. Stephen any time anything ends at 2 00 a. M. , you legally have to play that song. The late night was especially tough for chief Justice John Roberts who was scheduled to be back at the Supreme Court for oral arguments today at 10 00 a. M. as john roberts okay, okay, whats up, breyer . So, what are we talking about . Yeah, yeah, guns are legal, corporations are people. Please dont argue so loud. Ginsberg, can i lay my head on your doily . Yeah, can i can i just . No . Okay. laughter Chuck Schumer kept proposing amendments. Mitch mccconnell kept tabling those amendments by party line votes. Republicans rejected seeing records from the white house, evidence from the state department, documents from the office of management and budget, Defense Department documents, and subpoenas for testimony from john bolton and mick mulvaney. Oh, come on why are you rejecting all information . Arent you at least a bit curious about all the crazy bleep trump did . You dont even have to do anything about it. Just vote to find out what it was everybody wants to find out their boss secrets. Take it from me you dont want to learn it from a ronan farrow article. laughter so, it was no surprise cheers and applause you dont. You dont. Jon you dont want that come on, now. Stephen you dont want to do that. So it was no surprise that things got a little testy between the democratic impeachment managers and trumps lawyers, starting when jerry nadler went off on trumps teams constant lies. Im struck by what we have heard from the president s counsel so far tonight. They lie. And lie, and lie, and lie. Stephen they lie, and lie, and lie, and lie. Thats not entirely accurate. They also lie. laughter those accusations outraged trump lawyer and man staring at you from across the produce aisle, pat cipollone. laughter cippilone had enough of the democrats brazen calls for evidence. Its about time we bring this power trip in for a landing. Its a farce, and it should end. Mr. Nadler, you owe an apology to the president of the United States and his family. audience boos as cippolone yes, yes, and while youre at it, could you also apologize to the president s previous family . And the one before that . Theyre all still waiting. Please . applause finally, chief Justice Roberts stepped in to call for order. I think it is appropriate at this point for me to admonish both the house managers and the president s counsel in equal terms, to remember that they are addressing the worlds greatest deliberative body. Stephen yes, the senate is the worlds greatest deliberative body not to be confused with people magazines annual hottest deliberative body. laughter smokin grassley. laughter now it looks good. He looks really good. I didnt expect that from chuck grassley. Chuck grassfed. laughter grassfed beef. Justice roberts reached back into history to provide an example of the Senate Standing up for decorum. In the 1905 swain trial, a senator objected when one of the managers used the word pettifogging, and the presiding officer said the word ought not to have been used. Stephen mr. Chief justice, youre going to have to come up with another example, because im pettifogging sure nobody knows what that word means. laughter cheers and applause now, after cheers and applause jon pettifogging. Petticoat junction. Thats your function. Stephen after trump lawyer jay sekulow asked, why are we here . , representative Hakeem Jeffries gave him this answer. We are here, sir, to follow the facts, apply the law, be guided by the constitution, and present the truth to the american people. That is why we are here, mr. Sekulow, and if you dont know, now you know. cheers and applause stephen nicely done. Nicely done. That was good. Jon wooo woooo, woooo stephen of course, Old School Hip hop fans like me laughter know thats a quote from the notorious b. I. G. s song juicy. Of course, rap has a long history in our nations discourse. As George Washington said in his farewell address, as the father of the country, please call me big poppa. Throw your hands in the aya, as you cross the delawaya laughter yeah. So beautiful. Jon oh, yes. Stephen so beautiful. Other than video cameras controlled by the senate, no recording devices are allowed in the chamber during the senate trial. But, like in a regular trial, sketch artists are allowed in, which is how we know that yesterday, idaho senator james risch fell asleep. Okay, listen, give him a break. This thing went until almost 2 00 a. M. Its totally understandable that senator risch fell asleep at 5 30 p. M. laughter wow wow 4. 5 hours in somebody poke him he didnt just nod off for a second. He was asleep long enough to be handdrawn. laughter put a glass under his mouth to see if it fogs up a little bit. Now, the sketch artists got images of all the main characters, including this generous depiction of Mitch Mcconnell and Chuck Schumer. And look next to schumers desk. They have a spittoon in the senate they have to, okay . Its for amy klobuchar. She can make that sucker ring from 50 feet out. Point of order ping laughter stephen thank you, thank you very much. But the sketch artist did take some liberties, like this picture of marco rubio writing with a quill pen. laughter he actually drew that. Jon wow. Stephen it seems weird, which is why rubios office told reporters that he does not use quill pens. So that means the sketch artist can just make things up . That explains this rendering of senator dianne feinstein. Weve got a great show for you tonight. John mulaney is here. But when we return, ill be right here with more monologue. Theres just too much monologue. cheers and applause im your mother in law. And i like to question your every move. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. My son, he did say that you were the safe option. And thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. So get allstate. Stop bossing. Where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. Experience a more authentic and allavender. Scented oil. True fragrance crafted only by glade. S. C. Johnson. Fisnt just about polar bears. Were fighting for our lives, were fighting for clean air and clean water. Thats why i wrote the law to send billions from polluters to communities suffering the most. And only one candidate for president was with us back then, tom steyer. And hes still fighting for us, pledging to make clean air and clean water a right for everyone, regardless of your zip code. Thats the truth. Thats tom steyer. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Making everybody happy. cheers and applause stephen music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. Thank you, jon. Jon oh, yes. Yeah, thats true. Stephen welcome back, everybody, one and all. Please have a seat. Were still over here right now because weve got more monologue tonight. In just a minute, jon, one of my favorite comedians, john mulaney, is going to be out here in just a moment here. Jon fantastic, i love him. Stephen lovely young man. Very talented. Now, folks, while impeachment was going on in washington, d. C. , trump was in davos, switzerland, where he held a press conference this morning. One reporter asked if he planned on attending his trial. I would love to go. Wouldnt that be great . Wouldnt that be beautiful . I dont know. I would love to, id sit right in the front row and stare at their corrupt faces. Id love to do it. Stephen as trump i love to stare at their corrupt faces. Its like gazing in a mirror. So beautiful. Democrats are nice, too. Democrats are nice, too. Now, one of the articles against trump is something called obstruction of congress, because the white house is withholding all the materials needed, and requested, to investigate trumps ukraine scheme. Apparently, trumps pretty proud of that particular crime. I thought our team did a very good job. But, honestly, we have all the material. They dont have the material. Stephen hes bragging about the thing hes on trial for as judge how does the defendant plead . as defendant your honor, the defendant pleads hahaha, youll never catch me i killed them all also, not guilty. Trump also had some words of praise for his personal attorney, rudy giuliani. Rudy giuliani is somebody that i think the press has been very unfair to. Greatest mayor in the history of new york. He knows corruption, really, better than anybody. laughter jon we dont want him to know that stephen yeah, thats kind of the problem. laughter thats like saying thanos is an expert at population control. Trump was also interviewed by fox businesss maria bartoromo, who asked about our ongoing trade dustups with china. There is some question about this china deal. Some people feel like it doesnt have enough teeth. That, you know, youre not going to be able to get china to stop stealing intellectual property. But heres what i do okay, you ready . We have tremendous policing. We have a policing aspect of this deal thats the strongest anybody has ever had. If that happens, ill terminate the deal. I mean, im not a baby. Stephen yeah trumps not a baby. He has trouble with stairs, he throws fits when he doesnt get his way, and hell only eat french fries and cake. Hes a toddler. laughter then, then cheers and applause kind of a crazy day. Then, trump squelched over to an interview with cnbcs joe kernen, where he emphasized that its up to the government to protect innovators, especially ones like elon musk. Do you have comments on elon musk . I was worried about him, because hes one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius. You know, we have to protect thomas edison. laughter jon whoa now, pops. Stephen mr. President , sit down i have some awful news about thomas edison. I cant believe i have to break this to you. Of course, a lot of democrats are trying to remove trump from office with an upcoming election, including former south bend mayor and guy watching you sleep on the airplane, pete buttigieg. Throughout mayor petes campaign, hes struggled to garner support from african americans, so on m. L. K. Day, he stopped by the brown and black president ial forum, where he was asked a simple, but fun question. If antonia and i invited you to a potluck or barbecue, what are you bringing . Oh. Is it a breakfast potluck . Stephen no thats not a thing. laughter come over saturday morning. Were throwing some scrambled eggs and oatmeal on the grill jon i dont know about that. Stephen after clarifying that no, this is not a breakfast cookout, mayor pete settled on this answer. Its going to be chips and salsa. Okay. Mmm. Stephen nice effort. Thats one step above bringing paper plates you stole from the break room at work. Plus, youre there to attract african americans. Youre pandering to the wrong minority. as mayor pete chips and salsa, thats you guys, right . No . Bagels . Uh, kimchi . Help me out here. Well be right back with mr. John mulaney. Join us, wont you . cheers and applause band playing hes the one. Awww. Gesundheit. I see something else. A star. With three points. Youre in a. Mercedes. Yeah, we wish. Wish granted. With four models starting under 37 thousand, there could be a mercedesbenz in your near future. Lease the a 220 sedan for just 349 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Oh, oh, announcer ® onceweekly ozempic® is helping many people with type 2 diabetes like james lower their blood sugar. 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Yes for less. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, youre in for quite a treat this evening on the late show, because my first guest tonight is a very funny comedian whose new special is john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch. Please welcome back to the late show, john mulaney cheers and applause stephen they played your song . They played the little theme song, yes. Stephen oh, thats nice. Nice to see you again. Nice to see you, stephen. How have you been . Stephen its been too damn long. Its been a little bit. Stephen it has been. Yeah stephen you know what i love about you, besides the fact that youre funny and you seem like a nice guy, is that Everybody Loves your standup specials. You can watch them with the whole family. Oh, thats nice. Stephen cant you . Im not missing anything, right . No. Well, people say that. They go, youre very clean. Stephen yes. And im not, but stephen sometimes dark. Dark, yeah, into the darker recesses of humanity. But i try not to swear. But i do, sometimes. Stephen okay. And ive found you can swear if you quote someone. laughter if you say, a guy said to me, and then say the filthiest thing youve ever thought of, and people will go, oh, someone said that to you . They never assign it to you, the speaker. Stephen yeah, yeah. And so that is how ive become a semidirty cleanest comic in the United States. Stephen john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch is a netflix special. Can people see it now or do they have to wait . They can see it now on netflix. It premiered december 24. Its a comedy special, starring me and 15 children. Stephen now, you almost named it latchkey kids. Yes, john mulaney and the latchkey kids. Stephen yes, are you surprised i knew that . Well, i a lot of people think of that as a pejorative term, a latchkey kid. It was a bad thing. I was a latchkey kid. And that meant that you came home and your parents were at work, and then you had fun. You had freedom. laughter stephen is this person . Oh stephen is this who were talking about, right here . Yeah audience reacts stephen there you go. Now, real quick, the haircut, the front bangs i woke up with gum in my hair, and then i took a pair of scissors, and thats my work right there. Snipped it off. Stephen you did this . Yeah, i did my own hair for that photo. Stephen oh, wow, its nice. I look really confident. Stephen its very good. You should use this as your head shot. Yeah. Thats a cool shirt, honestly. Stephen so what was your what was your freedom like when you were a latchkey kid . Were you a freerange chicken . What were you doing . Yeah, i would come home, id watch, like, maury. laughter stephen find out who the father was and all that stuff. Yeah, and theyd have the drill sergeant, you know, with the teens. That guy would come out and youre like, is he in the army for real . And. Do you remember the drill sergeant . Stephen no. Okay, a bad teen would be on, and theyd be like, hed be like, i dont care what my mom says. And then a drill sergeant would came out and be like, youre going to be nice to your mother and they would cry. And youre like, is this a member of the armed forces . laughter and then, i grew up stephen did you get a lesson from that, i should be nice to my mom . I was always nice. Im still nice to my parents. Stephen im glad to hear it. laughter they asked me to ask you that. I always i knew it was good for business to be always keep being nice to them. Stephen and did you see that by looking at your older brothers and sisters and going, like, okay, im not going to make those mistakes . No, my older brother and sister were a lot more less drawn to trouble than i was. I liked the flame of trouble. laughter stephen and you were the moth of. I was the moth of the family. laughter and i went towards the light bulb that was the allure of danger. Stephen the glamour of evil. The glamour of evil. And i was the moth that went towards it. As they. As they say in the letter to the phillipians. laughter so i would see my friends get in trouble, and i was like, you cant get busted. Thats bad for business. Stephen oh, sure. So i come in and say and i still am very overly polite with my parents, to a degree. Im kind of like a waiter when i see them. laughter ill be like, and how are we this evening . Yes, all right . Yes, i know. Thank you, im glad. Okay, i will be back with some bread right now. laughter i was on vacation my wife and i took our moms on a trip for mothers day. You might have heard about it because we got pulled over for having too many pashminas in one car. laughter and, third day of the trip thank you. Third day of my trip, my wife said, you act fake around your mom. And i said, yeah. And she said, why do you do that . And i said, youre supposed to. I said, youre supposed to act fake around adults. And my wife said, youre 36 years old. And then she said, so theres a fake you with your parents. And i said, yes. And she said, and theres a fake you on stage. And i said, yes. And then anna said, so how do i know, when im with you, that its the real you . And i said, you dont. laughter stephen howd that go over . So let me tell you. She, she thought she looked at me and she thought a little bit, and she said, you know, weve been together for nine years. And i think well be together for a long time. But you will never really know what i think of you. And then she no, but i like this and i will never know what you think of me. And i said, yeah, its kind of beautiful. laughter and i said, you know, if theres a hell, if theres an afterlife, if theres a hell, i think its an encyclopedia, and you can just look up what everyone in your life thought about you. And if there is a heaven, its a wikipedia, and you can just change that. laughter cheers and applause stephen thats beautiful. Thats beautiful and sad at the same time. Did you want to get something . I wanted water. Is this yours . Stephen no, that is absolutely yours. I have coffee over here, thats water. Youre drinking straightup coffee . Stephen black coffee, baby doll. Fresh hot cup every act. A whole cup of coffee every act . Stephen just a couple of sips. It cleanses the palette and lightens the mind. Wow. Stephen just water for you . Just water for me, and tremendous anxiety, yeah. laughter always stephen do you have a lot of anxiety . I do have a lot of anxiety. Stephen and thats why you dont want anyone to actually ever truly know you. Oh laughter ahhh. Thats a really good question. Stephen thank you. Is it okay if i take time i know were on a network stephen i have a cup of coffee right here. Just give me 15 seconds on the clock, jimmy. Okay. laughter applause stephen while we wait for an answer, a reminder to our audience, john mulaney has been asked the question, is your anxiety why you dont want anyone to know you . laughter from an early age, i tried to be funny for the adults. I mean, my mom said, when you were a baby, you used to poke your head out of blankets. And she said, it was like you knew how to be cute. She didnt say it flatteringly. She was like, it was weird, its like you knew what you were doing. I think i thought and feel still that i have to provide that in order for people to like me. So then, you know, the idea of would they like me just as me without poking out of the blanket, metaphorically, is a real thought or concern. Stephen followup question, mr. Mulaney. laughter followup question, mr. Mulaney. At the crux of your answer is the need to be liked. Right. Stephen do you think youll ever get to a stage where you can be yourself because you dont care whether they like you or not . Ah, i dont mean to turn it on you, but stephen but. How may i how do you feel about that . Like, where are you at in your process, in terms or do you have a process in terms of being in the public eye, being very funny, and coming home and facing stephen in the mirror . laughter cheers and applause those 4 00 a. M. Moments, you know. sighs stephen i have gotten to a place where i dont want a lot from the audience, other than to make them laugh and to make a connection that my internal anxieties, as i express them externally through the joke, when it makes them laugh, i have the sense of camaraderie and community that im not crazy to feel this way, because they wouldnt laugh unless they recognized it in somebody else. Okay. Stephen and it might be anxiety about life or death or about what happened today in the news. And so, there are a lot of people out there who i know dont like me. Because of the sometimes divisive nature of the jokes that i make. Oh, okay, then. Stephen you know what i mean . Right. Does that feel personal . Stephen so, if you know thats happening no, what feels personal is the connection i make with the people who do appreciate the jokes. And beyond that, im just doing my job, and i wish no one harm. And if some people dont like what i do, i dont like that, but its not my problem. Wow, thats really great. cheers and applause thats a that sounds like a great state to be in. Stephen its pretty good. Thats very good, yeah. I think i am coming out of a phase where do you know the velvet underground song ill be your mirror . Stephen yeah. I think its a beautiful song. But i realized, listening to it, no one else can be your mirror. You just have to not go off what other people think of you to be what you are. And this i dont mean to wedge in the thing i just worked on, but i was working with these kids ages 8 to 13, and i thought oh, i remember being that age, and that is the state i would like to be in. Because they were very kind. They were very thoughtful. And they also knew that they had no control over their lives at all, because they were children. And they would say one kid said to me, you know, my mom gets really mad when i get below a 90 on a test. And i said a 90 is great. Why dont you tell her to back off . You know. And he said, because if i did that, id be toast. And i thought, right. Youre a person, like me, your feelings are the same. They have the same validity. But you know that people go, youre going to karate class now and then youre in karate all of a sudden. Stephen right. Right . I thought for a couple of years i could control the karate classes of my life. But you cannot, not even as an adult, not even at age 37 if youre me. Stephen thats true. You still will sometimes be shoved into a car and told that youre taking ballroom dancing. laughter stephen did you take ballroom dancing . I took i took ballroom dancing for my wedding. Both my brother and sister took it when they were 10 and 11, i believe. Did you go to cotillions and things like that . Stephen i did. And did you learn ballroom dancing for them . Stephen i did. And do you still know it . Stephen i do. Wow. I would say if i ever gave a speech to highschoolers and no one is asking for this laughter but i would say, young men, learn how to dance. Because i didnt know how to dance until i didnt know how to ballroom dance until i was 33, and the worst dancer at a wedding is the one whos not dancing. So learn how to ballroom dance. That would be my whole speech to graduates, if i gave one. laughter stephen the worst dancer at a wedding is the one who is not dancing. You miss 100 of the shots you dont take. Exactly. The guy who says, im going to drink coffee for an hour while everyone is dancing. Just learn a box step and get out there. Stephen we have to take a break. I hope youll stick around. Because id like to be back with more john mulaney. Everybody, dont go away. Wow. Hundred bands in my pocket, its on me on me yeah, your grandmama probably know me know me get more bottles, these bottles are lonely its a moment when i show up, got em sayin, wow wow, wow hundred bands in my pocket, its on me yeah, your grandmama probably know me come on man. Wow. New doritos flamin hot limon. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Everything your trip needs for everyone you love. Expedia. For everyone you love. howling wind howling wind othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, were here with mr. John mulaney. John, david byrne, the great david byrne, talking heads david byrne, is a player in this. Hes a member of the sack lunch bunch in a way. Yes, hes an honorary member. Stephen i heard today that when you started doing standup, some of his style influenced the way you first did standup. Yes, yes. Stephen in what way . When i was a kid i would watch the concert film stop making sense, the jonathan demme, talking heads film. And i like i said, i didnt know how to dance, and i wasnt a very athletic kid, so i lived in my brain. And i saw david byrne, and he was like i saw him and i thought, oh, i could dance like that. Because he had those moves like that and he was just sort of like yeah. I thought, yeah, thats like me, that guy. To the point that i was like, yeah, okay, he and i have the same vibe. And he wore a suit, and he kind of made fun i always thought he made fun of the way grownups talked, you know . He would be like, does anyone have any questions . And he had that kind of flat, fakeadult voice i really liked. When i started doing standup, i would just talk like david byrne, and i would be like, im so happy to be here. This is the best time ive ever had. And i found it really funny. And people it wasnt a joker situation, but people didnt like the act that much. laughter . Stephen well, theres a little bit between joker situation and not all the jokes are going over. Yeah, but if youre a comedian watching that movie you go, oh, yeah, let me just tweak that right there. Stephen yeah, sure. But yes, i really did follow david byrnes style. And, also, always looked up to him because when i was making this thing, this childrens special, i would say to people, its a comedy special. Its like a standup special, but instead the kids are singing my jokes. And they would sort of look at me and often they were executives working on it. So david byrne, i read, said that sometimes he has a project and he doesnt know what it is until its done, but he knows how its supposed to feel. And so he goes into it with that intention. And so he was really a great person to just have on set when i did not know what i was doing at all, because hes followed that a lot. Stephen we have to take one more break. Im sorry about that. Its okay. Stephen but when we come back, well talk to john mulaney about his new show the sack lunch bunch on netflix. Stick around. Look closely at the perfection that is the quarter pounder and youll see its actually made of countless imperfections. Those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds. That one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100 fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. True, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. But when you put it all together, ha ha its perfect made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba hey there im lonnie from lonnies lumber. If you need lumber wood, lonnies is better than good. We got oak, cherry, walnut, and more. And we also have the best selection of plywood clattering in the state. Hey highpitched laughter man dang woodchucks wood clattering stop chuckin that wood with geico, the savings keep on going. Just like this sequel. 15 minutes could save you 15 or more on car insurance. 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Vo now, if we dont do Something Different this time around, hell win again. Thats the hard truth. We simply cant afford to nominate another insider or an untested newcomer who doesnt have the experience to beat trump on the economy. We need to think different. Tom steyer is a progressive businessman who left his company and is using his time and money to beat big corporations and address climate change. He can expose donald trump as a fraud and failure on the economy. Tom steyer hes running on the economy. He running on the idea that democrats cant grow an economy, are a bunch of socialists, you cant afford to vote for him. My job is is take on mr. Trump and kick his ass on the economy. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. cheers and applause in america we all count. No matter where we call home, how we worship, or who we love. And the 2020 census is how that great promise is kept. 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Your surprise is waiting experience a more authentic and allavender. Scented oil. Prices that thrill. True fragrance crafted only by glade. S. C. Johnson. Try to win by attacking, now, we know the trump strategy distorting, dividing. Mr. President it. Wont. Work. Newspapers report bloomberg is the democrat trump fears most. As president , universal healthcare that lets people keep their coverage if they like it. A record on job creation. A doable plan to combat climate change. I led a complex, diverse city through 911 and i have common sense plans to move america away from chaos to progress im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Stephen hey, everybody, were here with john mulaney, still. John its good, its good that youre still here. This is pleasant. This is helping me a lot, too. Stephen is it really . Staying hydrated . Absolutely stephen well, we have a clip here from john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch. Whats happening in this clip . Oh, this is a scene so its a its a variety show. We have a lot of songs. We have special guests like Jake Gyllenhaal and david byrne and richard kind and annaleigh ashford. And its a comedy special with kids and adults. This is a moment in it where i play chess with a young man named tyler bourke. And we basically this is really not very written. This is basically just a real conversation between me and tyler. Stephen jim . Seems like everything in life works out for you. Okay, kind of. In retrospect it kind of does. Do you feel youre old enough for retrospect . No, not really. Yeah. I dont even know what it means. I just brought up a fancy word. I watch a lot of standup comedy. Oh, really . Whats your favorite comedy special . Nanette. Stephen now, hes great. Tyler bourke . Stephen tyler bourke is great. And i know that hes great, because long before he was in the sack lunch bunch, tyler was on my show in something called kids movies, where kids design movies and he is absolutely wonderful to work with. Tyler, would you please come out here, right now . cheers and applause tyler bourke, everybody. Hello, john. Hi, stephen. Stephen tyler, good to see you. Hey, audience cheers and applause hows it going . Its going good. Stephen tyler, nice to see you. Ive got a couple of questions. Would you mind being my guest for a few minutes with your friend john here . Okay. Stephen okay, great. How are you even allowed to be up this late . Okay well, my mom, you see, a little cuckoo. She crazy and lets me stay up at these absurd hours, like now. Stephen all right, thats good. Thats good. Stephen stage mom. John said he liked working with you kids. Was john good with the kids . He okay, so. laughter i cant speak for everyone else, but i liked him. Except except, i feel like there was one time he may have said a curse word. Audience oooh stephen now, wait a second. What are you at a puppet show . Wait, im not done yet. I have something good to say about you, though. Oh, okay. You got my a cake on my birthday because i worked on my birthday. Yes, you did, you worked on your birthday. Stephen thats nice. We had a it was a chess board, remember . Yeah it was a chess cake, like the scene. Like the scene we did. I remember when i cursed. Remember we were all sitting together in a group . Yeah. And i was talking to the director, and he told me we dont have time to do something. And i forgot, i just forgot you were all 8 to 13. It happens. Stephen did you tell your mom that he said a bad word . No, i didnt, but if i would, he would be in trouble. Oooo stephen tyler, do you think theres a chance your mom is going to watch the show tonight . Theres like a 100 chance. laughter stephen tyler, last question, weve got to go. Youre in trouble it was said out of frustration. Stephen it was, it was. Last question. Youve worked with me, and youve worked with john. Oh, boy. I think i see where this is going. Stephen who and it doesnt matter. You are not going to hurt either of our feelings. Who was more fun to work with . Well. I did work with ethan hawke. laughter he was he was the best stephen thats all we have time for, tyler. Tyler, thank you so much for being here. So lovely to see you. Congratulations on the new show. Thank you. Stephen tyler bourke has a new show, its called john mulaney and the sack lunch bunch, available on netflix now. John mulaney and tyler bourke, everybody growing up in a family that struggled economically powerfully influenced my values. Bernie sanders hes fighting to raise wages. And guarantee health care for all. Now, our country is at a turning point. Hard working people, betrayed by trump, struggling to survive. In this moment, we need a fighter. Bernie sanders. We know hell fight for us as president because he always has. Im Bernie Sanders and i approve this message. You know, the happiest place on earth, but. Have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy . Or channeled your inner jedi . You gotta love that. Have you raced through radiator springs . Or struck a power pose with them . Now is the perfect time to feel like this. And this. And definitely that. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child per day, with a 3day 1park per day ticket. Kids enjoy the magic for just 67 per child [ fastpaced drumming ] grand now we have to deal withed us this. Rs. Climate change is an emergency. Thats why i wrote the nations most progressive climate law. And thats why im endorsing tom steyer. Because when big oil tried to stop our clean air laws, he led us to victory. Same with the keystone pipeline. When tom says we can save the world and do it together believe him. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. Stephen now stick around for james corden. Good night captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org stephen have you seen any good movies lately . No, but let me tell you about the time i walked in on my uncle in the shower. Are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right