Or a 45minute tune about mixing up john adams and john quincy adams. Or a twohour ballad about martin van buren. And many more so order bob dylan sings lengthy songs about u. S. President s to help pass the time during the quarantine. And lets hope this quarantine ends soon, because there are only 45 president s. Announcer its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight the zoom where it happens plus, stephen welcomes Speaker Nancy Pelosi and alicia keys with jon batiste and stay homein. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I hope youre all doing well out there. Were good here. Though, ive got to say, one of the oddest things about doing the show at home from my little study here is that its starting to feel normal. And that is really weird. I mean, why is my son sitting on the floor wearing a headset talking to my director back in new york . Say hi to jim. Hi, jim. Stephen does he say hi back . Does jim say hi back . He didnt say hi back. Stephen is he mad at me . Probably. Stephen peters been terrific. Every member of my family has been terrific, which statistically means im the bad roommate. But what are we going to do . We have no choice. Right now, inside is the place to be, because the news from the outside is alarming. This week, the government projected 100,000240,000 deaths from coronavirus. Thats why it is so important right now that everyone stay safe and stays focused and stay inside. And i know you, the American People, get it. But some of our elected officials are slow on the uptake. Republican governors in 11 states still refuse to issue stayathome orders. Theyre defiant to the end. Theyve even got their own patriot flag, dont cough on me. But some republicans are starting to come around. Like Florida Governor and tenth grader who read someplace that squinting was sexy, ron desantis. After refusing to shut the states beaches during spring break, yesterday desantis issued a statewide stayathome order, and he explained what changed his mind it is a very serious situation. I mean, when you see the president up there and his demeanor the last couple of days, thats not necessarily how he always is. Stephen so, it wasnt the data, or the scientists. It was trumps demeanor . How does that work . Is he the coronavirus groundhog . Legend says, if punxatawney trump folds his arms and frowns, six more weeks of quarantine. Desantis wasnt the only one seeing the light a little late. So is georgia governor and man who told his Plastic Surgeon give me the joker, brian kemp. Yesterday, Governor Kemp held a press conference to announce that hes finally going to take coronavirus seriously because some brandnew information had come to light. This virus is now transmitting before people see signs. Those individuals could have been infecting people before they ever felt bad. Well, we didnt know that until the last 24 hours, and as dr. Toomey told me, she said, this is a game changer for us. Stephen you didnt know that until yesterday . Its all anyones been talking about since january youre like a guy saying, you know, i finally started watching this game of thrones. no one told me there were dragons in it this is a game changer. Everyone knows the virus can spread before people are symptomatic. Thats why were social distancing you numbnut in february, the director of the c. D. C. Said this to congress what we have learned in the last eight weeks is that this virus can actually cause asymptomatic infection. No symptoms. Stephen can you tell how long ago that was . Ill give you a hint it happened in a room full of people another governor who is not helping is wisconsin democrat tony evers, seen here pushing a staffer into a well. Evers and his g. O. P. Controlled legislature refuse to postpone wisconsins election, which is scheduled for this tuesday, despite the fact that more than 100 municipalities will not have enough poll workers to open a single voting location. Bernie sanders called on wisconsin to postpone its election and have everyone vote by mail, explaining, people should not be forced to put their lives on the line to vote. Well said my imitation of bernie. Polling places should not be dangerous. We all remember what happened back in 1972 when alabama replaced their poll workers with bengal tigers. Voting by mail seems like an obvious solution, but wisconsin requires everyone voting by mail to obtain a witness signature. On election day in wisconsin, they give out two stickers i voted, and i like to watch people vote. And, come on, everyone is social distancing right now. And what if you live alone like 77yearold sally cohen who complained, i was just distraught this morning when i opened it and saw that you have to have a witness. I thought, i just cant do it. they suggested having the mailman look through the picture window, but im on the third floor, so that wont work. This is what ive been saying for years mailmen should all carry ladders so they can look through old womens windows no one listened. Democrats want to remove barriers like this all over the country. In the recentlypassed stimulus bill, nancy pelosi, my guest tonight, tried to get funding to move the entire country to vote by mail. But, that was roundly rejected by the president , and he explained why on the fox and the friends the things they had in there were crazy. They had things that levels of voting that, if you ever agreed to it, youd never have a republican elected in this country again. Stephen wow you cant say that out loud youre supposed to pretend that you won the election because people like you. Thats like saying as trump i cant stand these newfangled scoreboards. Levels of touchdown counting that are just crazy. If you ever agreed to it, the loser would never win again. Trumps really not staying focused. He spent the first hour of yesterdays Coronavirus Briefing not talking about the coronavirus today, the United States is launching enhanced counter narcotics operations in the western hemisphere to protect the American People from the deadly scourge of illegal narcotics. Stephen okay, maybe, but thats not the deadly scourge everyones thinking about. Im not bleaching my cucumbers because of illegal narcotics. Though i bet if you bleached a cucumber, it would get you high. Street name satans pickle. And, again, my legal has asked me to remind you, do not put bleach on your cucumbers unless you want your gherkin to taste like a public pool. Then, trump shifted to something important to him. Did you know i was number one on facebook . I mean, i just found out im number one on facebook. Stephen stop it stop it no one cares. Hes like nero watching rome burning, going as trump i just found out that ive got the number one single on the billboard hot fiddling chart. I mean, it must be hot. I smell a lot of smoke. Whos making toast . Im in. Now, during any national crisis, people start listening to conspiracy theories. I dont know why. Maybe its the illuminati mind control. But yesterday, one conspiracy theorist in los angeles and stick with me on this one tried to crash a speeding train into a hospital ship. Thankfully, no one was hurt, largely because after jumping the tracks, the train came to a stop 250 yards away from the boat. Littleknown fun fact trains cant move forward if theyre not on their tracks. Somebody really shouldve mentioned that to this guy, who is a. Train engineer. This hospital ship is the sister ship of the one in new york harbor, the comfort. The one in l. A. Is called the mercy. And the lets say, concerned citizen got onboard the crazy train to sink the mercy because he believed it had an alternate purpose related to covid19 or a government takeover. So, this guys dumb, and worst of all, this guy totally ripped off the plot of the upcoming movie, fast furious 10 2 train 2 boat. But dont worry, the cops got him. He was arrested and charged with one count of train wrecking. Stop with the legal mumbo jumbo what did you charge him with . Oh, train wrecking, okay. One target of online conspiracies is leading Infectious Disease expert and nice rumpelstiltskin who tries to help you guess his name, Anthony Fauci. Ever since this crisis began, dr. Faucis been joining trumps Daily Press Briefings to answer all the questions the president cant. So. The questions. Online conspiracy theorists see this as deliberately undermining the president. And now, after receiving threats, Anthony Fauci will be receiving enhanced personal security. Okay, thats good. But im not sure the best way to protect a 79yearold man right now is to surround him with people 24 hours a day. On cbs this morning, this morning, on cbs, dr. Fauci was asked about these added stressors there are reports that you now have to have security. Im wondering how this has affected you personally. You know, it is my job. This is the life ive chosen. And im doing it. Obviously, theres a lot of pressure. I would be foolish to deny that. But thats what i do. Theres a job to do and weve just got to do it. Stephen that is incredibly noble. You know what . Im going to bring that same level of dedication to my essential job during this crisis making jokes about Andrew Cuomos nipples. Dr. Fauci, while i got you, youre an expert. Whats going on down in nip town . Is he letting the old freak flag fly . Get back to me. Now, thankfully, the vast majority of americans are grateful for the work dr. Fauci has done. There has been a National Swell of faucimania. Right now, on etsy, you can find fauci tshirts, fauci prayer candles, even fauci socks. Because he said we cant put our hands on our faces, but he never said we couldnt put his face on our feet. Checkmate dr. Fauci, of course, has been incredibly gracious about all this attention well, dr. Fauci, listen, youre on doughnuts, youre on socks, youre on mugs. Theres fauci friday. People magazine, theres a petition to make you sexiest man alive because people say brains are sexy. Im wondering how youre what your family thinks about all of this . Its really kind of crazy. We try not to Pay Attention to that and just focus on the responsibility and the job that we have. Thats the most important thing. Not that other stuff. Stephen that is so humble. And so sexy. Jim, can we put fauci back up . Can we get a wider shot . Oooh, yeah, the National Institutes of hotness just try to stay six feet away. Folks, weve got a show for you tonight. Alicia keys is somewhere. And i will talk to her. But when we return, i will be joined via satellite by the speaker of the house, nancy pelosi. Its such a special occasion, i might put on a tie. Stick around. You know, new customers save over 1,000 on average when they bundle home and auto with progressive. Wow, thats. And now the progressive commercial halftime show, featuring smash mouth. Hey now, youre an all star get your game on, go play thank you goodnight [ cheers and applause ] now enjoy the second half of the commercial even renters can bundle and save where did that come from . The kitchen. It was halftime. Petsmart has everythingm . Your pet needs delivered directly to your door. Or save 10 when you buy online and pick up in store. Now with curbside pickup. Shop petsmart. Com or download our mobile app today. Faced the competition and we broke through. Olays retinol24 complex hydrates better than the 100 retinol cream. Visibly smoother brighter skin in just 24 hours. Olay retinol24. Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Eveso we can stillg a answer your calls. Now. Without being there. And we are monitoring our system 24 7 to ensure that we have a fast reliable network, keep the customers connected, and making sure people are staying safe. And were still on the road. Solving Critical Issues as they arise. Go to xfinity. Com prepare. Thank you. And your response could help Impact Community funding for schools and lunch programs. Dont just talk about it be about it thats right. Its not too late. Shape your future. Start here at 2020census. Gov. Stephen hey, everybody. My first guest tonight is the speaker of the house of representatives. I put on a tie. Please welcome Speaker Nancy Pelosi madam speaker, thank you so much for being here. I would say my pleasure, but not under the circumstances. Stephen exactly. And i actually misspoke. Youre not youre not here. Youre there. Thank you for being there. Youre at the house right now, the house of representatives. Well, im in the senate building. Thats where your cameras are, but i am at the capitol of the United States, yes. Stephen okay. I know youre the speaker of the house, but shouldnt you be speaker of the home right now . Why are you still in washington . Why arent you hunkered down . Well, we are really working constantly to prepare for our next bill, but also to make sure the legislation that was passed and signed by the president on friday is fully implemented to meet the needs of americas working families. And, well, we just have a full agenda. Stephen speaker, you represent the San Francisco bay area. How is your district doing right now . Well, thanks to our mayor, mayor london breed, shes demonstrated tremendous leadership and our great governor gavin newsom and elected officials throughout our state, we are, again, trying to contain the spread of this. Its a terrible thing. And but everybody has a sense of community, which is really important. But they have tremendous needs, and thats why we want the president to implement the defense production act so we can meet the needs of the workers to protect themselves and the patients to have the ventilators and whatever else they need. So they are, shall we say, crying out for what is necessary to fight the virus. But im proud of them. Stephen well, i want to talk about the 2 trillion federal aid that Congress Passed last week. Are there going to be Strings Attached . We had heard that there was some concern that there werent sufficient Strings Attached to the Corporate Bailout side of this. What are you doing to make sure that this money is going to be used properly . Well, we do have in the legislation provisions, because the American People are very concerned about large sums of money going out without conditions placed on them, that ranks right up there, but first and foremost, they want people to get their equipment, they want themselves to get their their checks, but then they want to make sure that the money that goes out is not without conditions, and we placed very stringent conditions to industries that were receiving the money, that they put workers first, that they, for example in the airline industry, that the workers would remain on the payroll, and that was a condition for getting certain grants of money. Other loans that they got had other conditions about no buyouts, no dividends, no c. E. O. Pay, exorbitant, those kinds of conditions. Because that really burns people off, they get very angry and they saw a good deal of that in previous situations. So we have provisions in the deal to do that. At the signing ceremony, the president decided to take it upon himself to say he wasnt going to acknowledge or obey any of that, and that was most disappointing. But, again, transparency stephen im afraid with all the news going out there i did not hear that part of it, that the president said hes actually not going to abide by the rules in the bailout that holds the Companies Accountable . Not only did he not say it, he issued a signing statement that made that those declarations, that he would be the oversight of all of this, and that it was a very sad and frightening thought that the president would be the oversight for that, but thats the fight we have. Stephen people have called this something akin to world war ii, the basic the mobilization that is needed to fight this virus. Tell me about the truman commission. That was used in world war ii by harry truman to hold Corporate Leaders to account so they didnt war profiteer. Can we do Something Like that . Yes, we can, and i appreciate your knowledge on that subject. When he was a senator, then senator truman introduced the idea of having this committee. It was later known as the truman committee, but that wasnt its original name. And the reason he put it forth was to say, after world war i, there were 116 investigative committees to see how the money was spent and what went wrong, or whatever. What he was saying is rather than have 116 after the fact, i want one during the fact, and it was less than a Million Dollars spent to save 15 billion and lives, which was its purpose, which he said, and we got the job done. So using that as a model, i, today, introduced a house this is a House Select Committee on to combat the coronavirus, and it is modeled after that to say, in the here and now, how we go forward has to have transparency and accountability. Any profiteering and waste, fraud, abuse and all the rest, we want to address in the here and now. Stephen well, i good luck with that commission because i think its so important that anyone who is receiving this money, any corporations know that it has to go to the purposes of fighting this virus and supporting the American People because we are facing an existential crisis right now, and they have to know that theres going to be consequences if they misuse the funds that are given. So, thank you so much for that. I want to ask you about the national stayathome order from the federal government. It hasnt happened yet. Do you think the president should order one . Well, you know, it works. And we see it working around the country, and i hate to even think of how much worse this would be without it. And. Why the president doesnt do the defense production act, why he doesnt call for everyone to have the you will have to ask him about that. But it is curious to hear some of the i dont know if you will call it rationale, of some of the governors who have not implemented this. Not only is it harmful to their own people, but, again, it contributes to the spread of virus, which is harmful to everyone. Were up to around 90 of the American People sheltering in place or other stayathome initiatives. It should be 100 . This is a terrible, terrible assault on the lives and the livelihood of the American People, and we have to all were all in this together. Lets get it done. But not have some people say its a california problem, its a new york problem. No, its were all in this together. Its hard to understand why, but, again, its hard to understand why Mitch Mcconnell is saying we dont need any more money when the states are begging for it, the hospitals are begging for it, the equipment is needed to help save lives, the equipment is needed to protect our workers. We have so much more we need to do. And maybe he doesnt understand the gravity of the problem, or the pace at which it is being spread, but we will make sure that the public knows, so that, as i said, democrats and republicans, governors and mayors are all calling for this. We hope that Mitch Mcconnell will awaken to that. Stephen now, 15 states have delayed their primaries, so far. How should democracy work while were all staying at home, while were quarantining . Well, we put a big effort in order to promote democracy, which is what were all about here, and remove obstacles to participation in our democracy. Democrats insisted on resources in this last bill, that the president signed last week, we had 400 million to promote voting by mail, direct, all of that. However, it was not nearly enough. We need at least five times that much in order to really meet the needs to protect the integrity of our electioncritical infrastructure, as well as to promote voting by mail. It is absolutely essential at this time. The president said imagine that he said, if we support votebymail, no republicans will ever be elected. Well, i think he should have more confidence in the Republican Party, and i think the Republican Party should take back its party, but thats a whole other conversation. Republicans have always been very good about voting by mail. I can tell you that as a former state chair of the California Democratic party. So for him to say, well never win another election, therefore, we are not going to support votebymail, is so undermining of what our founders had in mind about full participation. So in this next bill, we hope to get more resources to vote by mail. If youre doing that, you have to have funds for the Postal Service as well, which he has objected to. Stephen now, madam speaker, a lot of americans, theyre anxious, theyre confused, theyre scared. What would you say to the people out there who are worried about when this is all going to end . Well, god bless them. God bless them for i think the American People, our country has a heart full of love. People have a sense of community that is the spirit of america, despite our differences. We love our country, all of us. And, so, for those for all of us, who are including you who are confined at home, im always a believer in prayer, as i know you are as well. So we pray that there will be a cure. So what i would say to those folks understand that, despite the challenge, the best minds in the country are 24 7, allhandson deck trying to find a cure, and hopefully that will be soon. Again, i said to people, wash your hands, hydrate, pray, and, yo can never dance too much. Just try just keep moving and enjoying family in the way that we can now. But understand that this can not be the new normal. Better things are ahead for us. Stephen madam speaker, i want to let you go, i know youve got a lot to do. But before you go, how are you dealing with the anxiety yourself . Youre known to be a chocolate connoisseur. How hard are you hitting the ghirardellis bar . Thats it. Well, pretty seas, ghirardellis, giannis chocolate ice cream, whatever it is, we all know, its an important part of my life. Stephen do you recommend chocolate as treatment for anxiety . Very dark, in my case. Very dark chocolate. And again, its good for you. Somebody told me it was good for your teeth. I believe that. I dont know. But in any event, whatever it is, everyone has his or her own comfort. And, dont hesitate to enjoy, or rest, and feel that you should be working all the time. I always say to my members that recreate and recreate are the same word. It is important to recreate, that is, relax, so youre strong, and recreate for the fight ahead. Stephen okay. You heard her, america. Pleasure is good right now. The speaker says dont forget to pleasure yourself. Okay. Not quite laughs stephen thank you so much, madam speaker. Thank you. Nice to be with you. Stephen nancy pelosi, everybody. Well be right back with alicia keys. Im your mother in law. And i like to question your every move. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. My son, he did say that you were the safe option. And thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. So get allstate. Stop bossing. Where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. Say hi. A pandemic has the possibility of bringing us together in ways none of us would have been able to expect. Im so small said the mole. Yes said the boy, but you make a huge difference. More than ever, your home is your sanctuary. Thats why lincoln offers you the ability to purchase a new vehicle remotely with participating dealers. An effortless transaction all without leaving the comfort and safety of your home. Thats the power of sanctuary. And for a little extra help, receive 0 apr financing and defer your first payment up to 120 days on the purchase of a new lincoln. Stephen hey, everybody. My guest tonight is a 15time grammy awardwinning singer and songwriter who is as wellknown for her philanthropic work as she is for her hits like no one, empire state of mind, and girl on fire. Joining me now, everybody welcome alicia keys. Alicia. Hey hi stephen thank you so much for being here im glad to be here. Im happy to be here with you and i hope everything is well and youre well, and. Stephen were well. Everything is brand new. Stephen everything is brand new. You have to look at everything in your life in a new way. I have one bone to pick with you, is that you look unreasonably good for someone who is living in isolation right now. You know, im really happy with this particular angle and the way that this like, the filter of the window or whatever is going on. Stephen its working. Thank you. Lets not talk about it too much in case something happens and it changes. Stephen people have been trying to stay connected, and youve stayed connected in a very interesting way. Tell me if i got this right . You posted your phone number on twitter for fans to text you directly. Is that true . Yes, i did. Stephen how many texts have you gotten from strangers . It is a whole lot. Its thousands and thousands of texts. But its really incredible because it is really a special way to connect with people. Its such a personal thing, you know, a text. Its quite personal and its very direct. And, so, to be able to do that, and i really just wanted i love connecting with people and i think, during this time, we need it more than ever. And so, sometimes ill just sing a song ill go on and sing a freestyle. Ill just sing anything and send it. Or, if its somebodys birthday, ill send them a birthday message or maybe ill just, you know, check in and say i hope youre having a good thursday. Or whatever the case. And its pretty cool. If you want to call me, you know, you might need if youre looking for a good time, me and you, you know what i mean . You, too, can connect with me and get some messages and some uplifting energy, because im here to send it. Stephen let me know if you get my message. All right. Hold on. I might have to dig through a few. So, dont be upset if i dont hit you right back, but i promise, youre going to feel me. Stephen okay. How old are your kids . My kids are five and nine. Stephen okay, well, the nineyearold can actually teach you about technology at that point, cant he . Yeah, hes pretty good. Hes got it together. Hes pretty good. But shes learning, too, because you know, theyre now having to do the virtual schooling and everything, and, obviously, all the kids are figuring out just how that experience feels. Stephen how are you staying calm . Because theres a lot of anxiety right now and a lot of pressure. Again, its amazing how much work there is to do when you cant go to work. What are you doing to keep yourself centered . I definitely have always been a ive always been a meditator, and thats something that really helps me a lot, and it gives me peace and solace and just a moment in time to be in my own space. So im big on meditating. I try my best to do it every morning. Stephen could you talk me through a meditation . I would love to i need a Little Something to center myself sometimes. Any tips . Yeah, i got tips. First, you know, i would recommend that you get up early so that you dont have distractions. Stephen okay, early, okay. Early or late, doesnt matter. Stephen sure, sure. Lets just say somewhere around midnight. Okay, here we go. Midnight is perfect. Whatever time you have, grab it. So then what i would do is, i would it doesnt matter, you can sit on the bed, you can sit on the couch, you can sit on the floor, whatever you need to do, you just kind of sit up straight. You can put your hands palms up in your lap, and palms up is like, represents receiving. Stephen mmhmm. Im there. There you go. And then youre going to breathe in. Lets breathe in. Exhale. Breathe in again. Exhale. And basically you can go on and do that, about ten breaths is really good. Then the other thing i like to do, last thing, is i like to ask for what you need. If you need a little calm or you need a little peace or you need a little more strength or you need a little more patience or you need a little bit more time or need more sleep whatever it is you might need, go ahead and ask for it, you know, in your head. Or out loud. Stephen i need a studio audience back. laughter i dont know i dont know if thats going to work for you, bro, but you know what . Stephen i dont know whats going to happen. Its coming eventually. Its going to be back. There you go. Whoo stephen now, you and your nonprofit, she is the music, partner with amazon music to raise money for music cares covid19 relief fund. What is that and how much did you raise . Yes. You know, she is the music is very special to me, really about bringing more Women Entrepreneurs and creatives to the table, to the industry. And so we were able to partner with amazon, has been an incredible partner, and we were able to raise 100,000. Stephen now, you also have a new memoir, more myself. Which is available now. Well, i dont like to call it a memoir. Stephen well, what is it . It says memoir. Legally, legally, i have to say whats on the card. It says memoir right here. What should i call it . Oh, who did that . Stephen i dont know. Nonetheless, you know, i like to call it a journey. A memoir makes me feel like im seconds away from dying or something. It just doesnt feel right. So i think, a journey, because were all in process. Stephen okay. And im a baby. Im not about to die. Stephen i understand. But please continue. You were telling people about it. Stephen i was just telling you it was published on oprahs book imprint. Its the first book published on oprahs book imprint. It is it really is. Stephen thats a nice feeling. Isnt that cool . So, yes, you know, oprah has her own imprint, and along with flat iron, and so we are doing this book together, and she wanted to create, help me to create this moment. The book is called more myself, and its really about the journey that we all have to become more of ourselves. Not the person stephen how do we become more . laughs you know, i think what happens is, is you start to become who you think people want you to be. Or, you start to behave in a way that you think is going to get you farther in life, or you start to compress who you actually are, because you dont get to know yourself, you kind of start to contort yourself to be what you whatever someone told you you should be. So the process of becoming more is a personal journey. And, how do we become more . I think we just shoot, im also still making sure im figuring that out. And this book is a part of my journey and how ive become closer to my authentic self and been able to hear my voice and not, you know, not let the noise get in the way. Stephen your upcoming album alicia was postponed because of the coronavirus pandemic breaking out. We were hoping to have you on a few weeks ago to perform a piece from that. But i understand youve got a special song for us tonight. I do you know, i mean, i thought that, during these circumstances, you know, we are all feeling how were feeling, and its tricky for us, and were just trying to figure it out, so i wanted to do something based off one of my favorite flo rida songs. So big up to flo rida. Stephen youve got a friend there. Hi, genesis. You want to say hi, gen . Hi. Stephen hello hello thanks for sharing your mom. Hes like. Stephen weve got to take a break, but when we come back, i cant wait to hear the song. Thank you so much, alicia. Thank you, too. Stephen more myself is available now. Stick around alicia is going to perform a song. Well be right back. For all those going out each day doing what they can to hold us all together were here. To help those helping us all by keeping our lights on. Youre not using too much, are you hon . Nope. Charmin ultra soft is so soft youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Dont worry, theres plenty left for you, dad. We all go. Why not enjoy the go with charmin . When taking a break from everyday life is critical to everyones health, there is one thing we can all do together complete the 2020 census. Your responses are critical to plan for the next 10 years of health care, infrastructure, and education. Lets make a difference, together, by taking a few minutes to go online to 2020census. Gov. Its for the wellbeing of your community and will help shape americas future. We hid a treator blocking technology. And will help shape americas future. From the ultimate nose. If it can block odors from that nose, it can block odors from yours. Be happy, its glad™. Keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe. During these Uncertain Times we want you to get the Great Service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Sprint. Com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just 15 a month when you switch. For now sprint. Com is the best way to learn about our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. Stay healthy and go to sprint. Com today. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com you about your credit card. So meet eno, the capital one assistant that looks out for charges that might surprise you and helps you fix them. Another way capital one is watching out for your money, when youre not. Whats in your wallet . One is watching out for your money, when youre not. There are times when our need to connect really matters. To keep customers and employees in the know. To keep business moving. Comcast business is prepared for times like these. Powered by the nations largest gigspeed network. To help give you the speed, reliability, and security you need. Tools to manage your business from any device, anywhere. And a team of experts here for you 24 7. Weve always believed in the power of working together. Thats why, when every connection counts. You can count on us. Stephen and now with a very special athome performance, alicia keys. Uh. Yes, yall this song is dedicated to the moment. I have a feeling that were all going through a similar thing, so i figured we could break it down like this. What, what, uh. Thought you made a call the quarantine begins i was grammy host and now im homeschooling you too . Penguins walk down the stairs while im hand washing so dry never done this before but were all in hand sanitizing social distancing to curve flatten weve got to stay in, in, in you cant come to my house suddenly twos a crowd only swiss is allowed we dont have to go out you cant come to my house all my kids are real loud watch the hunt, im not proud we dont have to go out no huh, huh, huh because you cant come to my house no no, you cant come to my house cauliflower now be gone from trader joes, man couples here now having scorpios theres a lot of that. Please be very careful with the clorox wipes you know some fools, they flushing them down the pipes we were unaware now even cardis scared how we gonna fare no toilet paper, paper, paper you cant come to my house we aint gonna freak out well get through it somehow we dont have to go out you cant come to my house say goodbye to the doubt hello to my unibrow we dont have to go out no, no, no because you cant come to my house what, what, no, no no, you cant come to my house staying in today and giving thanks to have the n. B. A. And the tom hanks the young helping the old is really dope and fighters on the line giving us hope why you stuck inside eyeing the shelf the book i just wrote more myself and dont think just cause the stores are closed, you cant get it, because you can get it on amazon and Barnes Nobles and target and get it straight to your house, you know what im saying . A message from the heart that come from me your favorite girl on the keys you cant come to my crib got to defeat covid now i know what zoom is we just got to stay in you cant come to my house suddenly twos a crowd only swiss is allowed dont want to go out no, no, no because you cant come to my house no, no stephen you cant come to my house laughter Stephen Alicia keys, everybody. Thank you, alicia well be right back this is my body of proof. Proof i can fight moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. Proof i can fight psoriatic arthritis. With humira. Proof of less joint pain. And clearer skin in psa. Humira targets and blocks a source of inflammation that contributes to joint pain and irreversible damage. Humira can lower your ability to fight infections. Serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Humira is proven to help stop further joint damage,. And its the 1prescribed biologic for psa. Want more proof . Ask your rheumatologist about humira citratefree. Original crown molding, walk in closets. We do have a ratt problem. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. It does help us save. Round and round with love well find a way, just give it time. Round and round what comes around, goes around. For bundling made easy, go to geico. Com that could mean education for our little man and a closer bus stop for her. Shape your future. Start here. Complete the census at 2020census. Gov. So what will galaxy 5g really change . Way more than you think. Check out this game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Faced the competition and we broke through. Without being there. Olays retinol24 complex hydrates better than the 100 retinol cream. Visibly smoother brighter skin in just 24 hours. Olay retinol24. For all those going out each day doing what they can to hold us all together were here. To help those helping us all by keeping our lights on. Step by step, were going to figure this out. Were gonna find a way through this. Were working really, really hard in hospitals, our nurses, our techs, all the docs. Its about staggering when people get sick so that the hospitals can cope. Were gonna go through an awful lot of these. All across puget sound, people have been stepping up and donating personal protective equipment. We stay at work. For you. You stay at home for us. Just know were all with you. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you doctors nurses. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Were still here, where were going to be theres a new animated show on cbs all access called tooning out the news. It premieres this monday. And i thought you might enjoy tonights quarantoon. Jim . The Empire State Building lit up like an ambulance, with white and red siren lights flashing across its needle. The Empire State Building will continue flashing red and white every night until the end of the outbreak. growling whoa hold on there hey, buddy yeah, you cant be out here right now. What . Yeah, unless youre getting groceries or whatever. Yeah, i know, i was just feeling a little cooped up. You know, wanted to get some air, feel normal for a change. Oh, totally get it, yeah, for sure, but were doing it for the doctors and nurses. Oh, for sure. Well, i dont want to get you in trouble, so ill head out. Ive got a cabin upstate anyway. Ooh, so nice. Yeah, no, wifi isnt great, but weve got puzzles and stuff. See ya. All right, ill talk to ya stephen thats it for tonights a late show. Now, before we go, lets all share a moment with our good friend, jon batiste. Jon . Jon hello, everybody. Its jon batiste, and im sorry to say we lost a legend last night to the coronavirus. The great Ellis Marsalis jr. , patriarch to the marsalis musical family, tireless educator, legendary jazz pianist, composer, arranger, the list goes on and on. And he was a personal mentor of mine and a friend, and he will be greatly missed. We send our condolences out to the marsalis family, and anyone whos lost a loved one to the coronavirus during this time. And this one goes out to you, e. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show