Have been accumulating enormous amounts of cotton balls, tongue depressors, even our urine just what do they need all that urine for . And dont bother trying to find a newborn baby, theyre all in hospitals hospitals if theyre so great, then why is everyone there sick . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen at home plus, stephen welcomes john oliver with jon batiste and stay homein. Now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen thank you. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow. Hi. Hi. Please please, have a seat. Thank you. We got to do the show. Im sorry. Thank you very much. Thank buddy. Welcome, one and all, to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Its good to be back. What have i missed . Anything big . Im coming to you from the late shows new temporary set the historic ed sullivan my house. Why did i wish to be home more on that cursed monkeys paw . Plus, now ive got to wash the monkeys paw for 20 seconds with cursed soap. Now, you may have noticed that, even though i am at home and were in casual circumstances, i am wearing a suit. Im doing it because a it gives me a sense that im at a job, and b i do not have a physique that lends itself to casual clothing. I just want to do anything to make things seem somewhat normal. Thats why im also wearing full makeup, and i shaved my legs. Mmhmm. Ive got my family helping me out here. My son is here as my tech and cameraman. Want to put your hand in front of the camera and say hi . There you go. A little higher in. There you go and then my daughter did my makeup tonight. I think i look rather nice. Hello. Hmm, you like . Please, tweet your responses. Also, let me know if you want me to keep wearing a suit or if you want me to dress more casually in shows to come. All right . Suit or no suit. Were all adjusting. sighs for instance, ive taken to washing my hands so much theyre turning to dust. Then of course i have to moisturize. I spend a lot of my time doing this. Which looks evil, but its not. evil voice oh no, were all just doing our part to flatten the curve. Its the only way to stop the virus. evil laugh seriously, wash your hands. Some positives have come from this. Selfisolation turned this into a golden age for pets. My dog benny is so happy im around that he actually follows my commands. When we go for a walk, he actually heels the whole time. I thought i had a bad dog, turns out, im a just terrible owner. Come here whats up . Come here, come here, boy come on, come on look at that look at that come up here whos a bad owner . I am yes, im a terrible owner look look evie laughing hes so well trained now. Were really communing. Weve got a lot more in common now. Bye. Bye. Oh, yeah. Hes not going to leave, though. Oh, there you go. Come on. Come here stephen we have a lot in common now. Were both eating all our food out of cans, and were both learning to stay. I aso freak out when i see a squirrel outside the window. No, dont chew on the electrical bleep . bleep . Come here no, bleep i know its not her fault. What are we supposed to do . Stephen i dont know. Are we still broadcasting . Are we still good . We should still be here. Yeah, youre good on my end. Stephen okay, there we go. Whew. This is going very smoothly. I could tell this is perfectly sustainable. Thank you now i know a lot of you are stressed because were all in isolation, and no one knows how long this is going to last, but i have a simple message for you america, you got this. You have been training for this moment your whole lives. Every cancelled plan, every 2 00 a. M. Netflix binge, every grub hub order from the restaurant across the street. It was for this were americans, and theres nothing we do better than not doing things. Yes, were the country who put on a man on the moon. Yes but were also the country where 125 million of us stayed home to watch it on tv. Remember, like the old motto says, united we stand, divided. New yorks hospitals are already stretched thin which is why yesterday, and it is shocking to see, the city began setting up a Field Hospital for coronavirus patients in central park. The central Park Hospital is just like a regular hospital, except after your doctor treats you, you really should put a dollar in his guitar case. Its just nice. Of course, its a tough time for new yorks doctors, nurses, medical technicians, and the maintenance staff. Theyre working inhuman hours under terrible conditions to save our lives. So, every night at 7 00 pm, to show their appreciation, new yorkers have done this applause cheers and applause clapping that is beautiful i have never been more moved by applause that wasnt for me. Plus, all over the country, medical schools are graduating their seniors one month early so they can join the front lines. And in new york, 76,000 healthcare workers, many of them retired, volunteered to help with the crisis. These people are older and at more risk, so theyre putting their lives on the line for others. Let me be the first to say, okay, boomer today, help arrived in the form of the Navy Hospital ship, the u. S. N. S. Comfort, named, of course, for civil war general ezekiel t. Comfort. Heres the ship passing the statue of liberty. Steering clear of lady liberty, which is good because shes looking pretty green then the ship steamed up the hudson river and docked somewhere right around whispers here this is an incredibly moving sight, one none of us ever thought wed see. A ship thats normally deployed to wartorn areas urgently rushing to our nations largest city. And, yes, it looks like something out of world war ii. But whatever you do, dont go kiss a nurse. Theyre really busy. And they got to stay sterile. Now the comforts arrival is great news for new york city. Also for me, because its finally giving me the opportunity to pitch my sexy maritime hospital drama captain doctor, m. D. Hello, im captain doctor m. D. Im here to fix your heart with my surgeon hands and then break it with my dark, smoldering eyes. Come aboard my hospital boat to meet my sexy team of interns sailors lovers. Because on my ship, we put the ho in land ho. Remember if this hospitals a rockin, thats because its a boat. Now, welcome aboard me, captain doctor, m. D. Youre my first mate, but you wont be my last. Cbs all access, you get first dibs. But move on it did because i hear quibi wants seven seconds of it. Now since the big apple is the current epicenter of the covid 19 outbreak, residents of other states are rallying together to support new yorkers. And by rallying, i mean, running them out of town. Florida Governor Ron Desantis expanded his travel restrictions from hot zones in new york and louisiana, saying there will be checkpoints for those who try to drive into the state. However, these are florida checkpoints, so if youre a shirtless felon with a trunk full of pythons and meth. Welcome home a little farther north in maine armed vigilantes chopped down a tree to block a driveway and force their neighbor to self quarantine. Lumberjack vigilantes. The only way this could be more maine is if they dressed as a lobster and cut down the tree with a moose antler. Or dressed up a moose and chopped down a tree with a lobster. Dealers choice. So why did locals think these people had coronavirus even though they showed no signs of being sick . The victims who had lived in maine for over a month were targeted because of their new jersey license plate. No one should be ostracized because of their license plate. Unless it says covidbro. I have a dream that one day we will judge our neighbors not by the state on their license plates, but by the contents of their car. Because do we not all have a penny thats crusted to the inside of the cup holder . Who among us does not have a box of tissues on the back window that flies around like a rectangular bullet every time we take a sharp turn . Its time we throw away our fears. And its time we throw away that jar of nuts we keep in the glove compartment in case we get stuck in a snowstorm. Youre never going to eat the nuts and it never snows anymore now every american is grateful for all our heroic medical workers, and want to make sure they get all the supplies they need. All of us want that. Well, except for this one guy. Its a new york hospital, its packed all the time. How do you go from 10,000 to 20,000, to 300,000 . 10,000 to 20,000 masks, to 300,000 . Even though this is different, something is going on. You ought to look into it, as reporters. Where are the masks going . Are they going out the back door . Stephen really . Accusing medical workers of stealing masks . Thats like frisking mother theresa on the way out of the orphanage. Check her pockets. She could be smuggling out gruel this is how short Mother Teresa is and im going to lean down to get to her pockets trump is very suspicious of these workers. I think people should check that, because there is somethin. I dont think it is hoarding. It is maybe worse than hoarding. Stephen what is worse than hoarding . Does he think theyre holding underground eyes wide shut medical supply orgies . Where the masks wear masks . And why havent i been invited . But in the midst of this pandemic, trump remains focused on the most important thing his ratings. Quoting a New York Times story, he tweeted this yesterday as trump President Trump is a ratings hit. Since reviving the Daily White House briefing, mr. Trump and his coronavirus updates have attracted an average audience of 8. Million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the Season Finale of the bachelor. 150,000 americans are infected, 2,500 americans have died, and hes excited about his ratings. You know, it reminds me of the hindenberg coverage its burning and bursting into flames and this is going to get amazing ratings im going to be famous somebody call my agent oh, the publicity stephen now, truth is, this new way of life could go on for a while, because yesterday trump announced that the federal governments guidelines for social distancing would last until april 30. Another month indoors to spend with your new best friend, tyler b. Tube. I love you, tyler. April 30 is moving the goalposts for trump, because he kept saying wed be done as early as easter. Which everybody knew was never going to happen. And remember, even jesus said, let the children come to me but in about 68 weeks. In fact, i think im going to stay in the tomb a few more days. Im immunocompromised. Im just getting over a bad case of being dead. Im paraphrasing, obviously. This pandemic has grown so severe, that were seeing things we never thought wed see. For instance, trump learned an actual fact its up to 151 countries. Think of it. 151 countries. Somebody said to me, today, that wasnt in this particular world, they didnt know we had that many countries. 151 countries, thats something. Stephen so, let me get this straight, when he saw how many nations are struggling with this virus, he thought there sure are a lot of nations. Im going to say thats the wrong takeaway. Its like seeing your grandma fall down a flight of stairs, and saying, wow. I didnt know the human body had that many bones trump revealed that when the pandemic began, some people advised him not to do any social distancing at all. We had a lot of people were saying maybe we should not do anything. Just ride it. They say ride it like a cowboy. Just ride it. Ride that sucker right through. Stephen you heard that right, ride it like a cowboy, advice that no doubt came from the acting head of the c. D. C. , lil dr. Nas x. He is the guest star on the Season Finale of captain doctor, m. D. Folks, we have a show for you tonight. John oliver is not here, but he is somewhere and wherever that is i will be talking to him. So, stick around mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Whos up for midnight shrimp . Do it for the mom pop on every block new day, sunshine on every block windows open, im yelling unity side by side with my community celebrate, lets have a jubilee its bigger than you and me theyve been there for us lets be there for them theyve been there for us theyre going to be paying for this for a long time. They will, but with accident forgiveness allstate wont raise your rates just because of an accident, even if its your fault. Cut sonny. Was that good . Line the desert never lies. Isnt that what i said . No you were talking about allstate and insurance. I just. When i. Lets try again. Everybody back to one. Accident forgiveness from allstate. Click or call for a quote today. Accnew school year,s whatever that means from the sporty chic to the stem star go show off your fit, lets raise the bar whatever this year looks like, get fresh looks at old navy and oldnavy. Com. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. We gave new dove men care to mike who transforms homes for those in need. I feel comfortable and protected all day long. Dove men care 48h freshness with triple action moisturizer. My gums are irritated. Dove men care i dont have to worry about that, do i . Harmful bacteria lurk just below the gum line. Crest gum detoxify works below the gum line to neutralize harmful plaque bacteria and help reverse early gum damage. Crest. Another day, another chance tlets do this. Rd. By making internet speeds fast and reliable. So you can keep up with your customers. By ensuring those speeds have wireless internet backup. So if the power goes down, your connection doesnt. And by covering all your connected devices with serious security. So we can handle this. And this. While you get on with this. And this. Be fast, be secure. Bounce forward. With comcast business. Get started with a powerful internet and voice solution for just 64. 90 a month. Call or go online today. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight, my only guest tonight, is the lovely and talented host of last week tonight on hbo and an old friend to me and to you. Please welcome, john oliver john. applause thank you. Thank you. Any music . Any music . Stephen wow. Any music, please . Something . Jon scatting what is your theme music . Because ill play your theme music for you. Oh, yeah. singing theme music stephen singing theme music wow. Thank you so much for being here. The crowd is loving you. Arent they . Stephen one imagines. laughter stephen welcome. Welcome to interviews in the aftertimes. Yes, its great to be with you. Stephen yeah. Its like staring into my own anxieties right now. Its such a comfort to see your face because your eyes are also screaming the bleep . Stephen not at all im fine, john. Surely stephen im wearing a suit which one of us is wearing a suit . Who looks like theyre in control, john . It aint you, buddy. What could possibly be wrong . laughter is cbs going to give you some curse words during a pandemic, or even during a pandemic can you not swear . Stephen lets try, lets try right now. Sure. Ill try a simple one, ready . Yep. Stephen bleep . I have no idea if i got away with that. laughter lets try a simple one. This is one i wish i could use im never allowed to. bleep . What, youre not allowed to use bleep . Stephen no, cant use bleep . Cbs, come on. Stephen i know. I know. How are you . How are you feeling . Im at about a four. Stephen on a scale of you have to put that in some sort of range for me. Oh, like, zero to 50. Stephen zero, youre okay, good, great. Yeah, im doing okay, you know. Stephen yeah. This is a suboptimal time to be a human being. It would be a great time to be a dog. Stephen sure. Or a dolphin. Dolphins have had it too good for too long. Stephen its payback time, flipper. Sooner or later, Mother Nature will say, oh, i forgot about you. Stephen really, have you seen the videos from japan . laughter it hasnt exactly been a cakewalk the entire time. Were not broadcasting in japan, are we . Theres no one here. So you did is a show last night, congratulations. Thanks, thanks very much, yeah, we did one. Stephen from this location. Yeah, from right here. Im inside David Geffens yacht. Stephen oh, lovely. Now theres a man with his finger on the pulse of america. laughter stephen didnt quite read the room, dave. For those of you who dont know, david geffen, whom im sure is a lovely man, i dont know, he sent a shot of 300, 400, 700 foot boat . If you cant source, its worth putting on screen now. Its a large boat, for future reference. Stephen we have it. Jim . Yeah, if you put it up there, its david geffen at sunset pointing out hes self isolating, in a way that might be genuinely revolution inducing. laughter i think if the race to a class war has begun, i think he might have just fired the starters pistol. Stephen yeah, but you cant revolt unless you find him. Thats why hes out in the middle of the ocean. laughter thats right, swim to me. Swim to me, peasants. Stephen i dare you. Unless youre going to come at me on jet skis. Stephen so youve got a dog, yes . Ive got a dog, yeah. Stephen a dog, and you have children. Yeah, ive got a dog, two children, and a wife. Stephen and how are they reacting to you doing your show at home . Are they mucking in, is everybody helping . Its probably best they dont. I have a fouryearold and a oneyearold. So theres not much they can do to help here. Stephen the fouryearold can do your makeup. He could do stephen though from what i see, he probably did. laughter yeah, there you go. They are teetering hand grenades. So its best theyre not allowed anywhere near this equipment i do the show in this room and i turn up octonauts really loud so that he cant hear daddy though the wall swearing. Stephen im sorry, you turn up the whats . Octonauts, he likes octonauts. Stephen what are octonauts . Octonauts, its an excellent show about Little Creatures that live underwater stephen must be, like octopuses, but theyre, but theyre yeah, theyre like astronauts but under the water and they find out about animals each week stephen oh, good. And if you play it loud you cant hear your dad say what the bleep from the adjacent room. Stephen hows your personal hygiene going . Are you wearing pants these days . What kind of pants . Whats the bar for pants now . Stephen big boy pants, long pants. laughter im wearing sweat pants. Stephen well, thats not bad. They are sweatpants and they are stained with baby drool and peanut butter, so could be worse. Stephen perfect, perfect. Im wearing a suit, but im not wearing shoes. Oh, really . Stephen yeah. Its just the plates are out. Stephen the plates . Plates are meat, feet. Cockney rhyming slang. laughter cockney accent youve got your plates out, stephen. Stephen im sorry, ive never heard of that. And youve got a nice whistle on as well. Stephen i never heard that from my whistle and flute, suit. Stephen cockney accent i never heard that from my trouble and strife. laughter oh, not bad up the apples. Stephen innit, innit apples and pears, stairs. laughter stephen john, just occurs to me, have we discovered any old skills that you have . This week, i actually changed a tire on a bike, like i changed the inner tube. You did . Stephen yeah, i just remembered i had a flat tire, i had the inner tube and i remember as a child i used to do that stuff all the time. Have you rediscovered old skills in any way . Again, ive had a fouryear old and oneyearold and im trying to make a tv show from scratch. Theres no extra time in my day at the moment to learn spanish or how to make a profiterole. laughter thats just not happening. Im drowning, stephen. The water is here. Right, if i could breathe through there, im okay, right. No, things are not going greatly. Im not becoming better as a human being. I learned, unfortunately, how to make a tv show on my own here with my staff over zoom. Stephen right. So im basically committing union infractions out the wazoo. Stephen and now hbo knows you dont actually need a set. laughs they were literally, yesterday, they were talking me through filming through the chat on zoom, literally like they were talking to a civilian trying to land a plane. It was just, i know you have a lot of buttons. Dont panic, i can feel you panicking. laughter theres a small red one you need to press. What did you just press . Oh, my god our screens going crazy they were very patient but we got through it. Stephen you did your show last night for the first time, what was it like to perform to silence . I mean, honestly fine. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen you dont miss the audience at all . I mean, its very nice to have an audience, but i started comedy doing standup in england. I am so completely used to delivering jokes to absolute silence and sometimes worse. So this is fine for me. It genuinely doesnt affect me at all. Stephen wait, what is worse than silence . An english standup audience. Thats literally the answer to that. Stephen just open hostility . laughs stephen have you ever felt physically in danger . Yes of course i did standup of course, i did i didnt come up in your improv world where even the audience well, were players in the game, too. Stephen thats exactly right. In improv, if you fail, they go, well, if its good, 25 of the time, thats a pretty good batting average. No, no, a standup audience is much more sit back, judgmental. I dont like this, but i want you to keep doing it because i want to show you the full extent it never improved. Yeah, of course, i had been threatened all the time. Stephen yes, did you have to leave hastily . One that you would actually really like, just as a masochist. Stephen okay. There was a gig in edinburgh which starts at 1 00 in the morning. Stephen yes. It is a cesspit of humanity and you can do flaming deaths there, like truly glorious deaths. And i bombed hard once for about 20 minutes. The guy came on after me, destroyed. And as he was coming off and they were cheering for more, i asked if i could take his encore . And he though that was stephen wow and so i walked back up, and the sound of the audience, from the emcee saying, do you want more of that, here he comes and the, yeah oh, no, no, no, no laughter i felt like the joke had been played then. I went on to do another five minutes and bombed again laughter stephen i have one thing thats like that. I was at the olympics in 2010, we brought our show up there, and every country has their own house, like ireland house or switzerland house, or whatever. We went to ireland house, which was, it was sponsored by guinness and it was beer in a barn essentially and there was a stage up there, there was a traditional band playing, a Football Game was on, and i got up on stage and said, who wants to celebrate irish culture . and they all went, aaahhh and i took out a copy of james joyces, ulysses. laughter and i started reading, stately plump buck mulligan stood at the head of the stairs oh, no. Stephen and there was a riot, i had to be hustled out by security. Thats fantastic. I was about four minutes into my encore and a guy in the front, smashed his beer bottle on the table, held it up and just said, if you dont get off stage wright now, im going to kill you. laughter and i was smiling ear to ear thinking, this just cant be about me. I refuse to believe that i am all thats wrong in your life right now. Im a mere lightning rod. Stephen now john, we, as you know, and sadly so, we have commercials. Its a tragedy. Stephen it is. Stephen so weve got to go to commercial now, but would you please stick around . Oh, the c. D. C. Say i cant go anywhere. Stephen oh, good then you just stay there sure. Stephen by force of law. You will be back and we will be back with more john oliver. Stick around, everybody. But you will stick around. You have to stay at home, too stay where the bleep you are stephen john, we cant say that. We cant say that. These new geico savings . Mom . Youll get an extra 15 on top of what geico could already save you. Can i call you back . Your fathers been researching our geneology. Were vikings theres never been a better time to sane with geico. Switch by october seventh for an extra 15 on car and motorcycle insurance. Hey, we lost the wifi password. Do you remember what that is . Microban 24. Watch as microban 24 kills 99. 9 of bacteria. And then, even after multiple touches, keeps killing bacteria for 24 hours. I trust microban 24 to keep killing bacteria for 24hours. Who know an open mind is the only kind. Who dont need to travel to find something new. Who know where to escape, even just for a moment. Who dont need a fortune to find a gem. And who know when you spend less, you can discover even more. And never, ever stop discovering. Spend less, discover more. At t. J. Maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. So youre a small businor a big one. You were thriving, but then. Oh. Ah. Okay. Plan, pivot. How do you bounce back . You dont, you bounce forward, with serious and reliable internet. Powered by the largest gig Speed Network in america. But is it secure . Sure its secure. And even if the power goes down, your connection doesnt. So how do i do this . You dont do this. We do this, together. Bounce forward, with comcast business. Stephen hey, everybody were back with a young man that the harpers sadly call john oliver. John . Yeah. Stephen thank you so much for being with me. What did you do in the commercial break . How did you fill the time, how did you fill the empty spaces where we used to talk . I filled the empty spaces the way i think any empty spaces are filled now which in which youll momentarily get distracted, think youre having fun and a wave of realization hits you and the darkness will descend. Stephen wonderful. Keep it light. laughter keep it light. Its still late night. Its still late night, buddy. Keep the balloon in the air. Come on come on lets not tank this before cordons here. Stephen exactly. Theres been an interesting change in, i think, peoples reaction to the president of the United States right now. Hes changed as a public figure, in my opinion, because, you know, in moments of great crisis, great men rise to meet them or great leaders rise to meet it, but if they dont rise to meet it, the moment still stays great, and theyre diminished by comparison. Right. Stephen and also kind of diminishes the office of the presidency at the same time. What do you make of his handling of the crisis so far . I mean, ill be interested in hearing the best possible case that hes handled this well so far. Well, i really hope he turns it around. I genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, hope that he can pull a rabbit out of a hat, and that rabbit being competence, but stephen yes. But i dont think its safe for any of us to bank on that. Stephen or cede those decisions to somebody else for right now. Thats the thing. Youve got to hope that the people the competent people who are working underneath him, and that must be a very difficult place to be as a human being, that they can tough it out, for everyones benefit. Stephen the Coronavirus Spread around the world, not just through the United States, but for everyone in the world, its being compared to a war. Yeah. Stephen because it requires collective action, collective suffering. Yes. Stephen what do you think of that comparison . Well, i think its fair that that is what its going to take. I think the problem, the vulnerability that we have in america right now is thats not necessarily how america has fought wars for the last 50 years. So america has fought wars by having a small group of people, that a large personally of the population are completely dislocated from, going to fight on their behalf and not being particularly well equipped or not ideally equipped to make that fight. So this is, sadly, tragically, consistent. I think from the armed forces, its moved to the front line of medical professionals, who are ill equipped, ill appreciated, ill compensated. So it is heartbreakingly similar, i think, to how we fought wars in america for the last number of decades. And the problem is that this sense of collective sacrifice is not something that chimes with americas great strength, which, in the past, has been even with the first iraq war saying, if you want to do something, america, if you dont want the enemy to win, you need to fuel inject the economy, so go out and buy a second fridge. And you can sense americas going, that we can do, yes, absolutely. This is going to take more than that. This takes actual sacrifice to the extent that it is possible, you have to bring in the boundaries of your own life, and i know that is not a thing anyone wants to hear, but for the sake of the medical professionals, we have to try and do it above and beyond what is comfortable. Stephen and i think beyond what youre saying, i think its optimistic to say that the rest of us wont sacrifice because, unfortunately, this is you may not die, but you might know someone who does. Yes. Stephen because this is going to be so pervasive eventually, that unlike the shared sacrifices of the wars the United States has fought in the last 50 years, everyone will be touched by it in some way and all we can do is take care of each other when it happens. Yeah, everyone who even knows a medical professional right now knows that they are in the bleep . And, we should have done a lot more for the preparation in this and we should now leave no stone unturned to help them now because this is utterly ridiculous the conditions theyre being asked to work under. Stephen hey, we have to take another break. Yes. Stephen for our wonderful sponsors, who knows who it is tonights. There will be some absolute monsters in there, we know that. But specifically we dont know which ones. Stephen exactly. Well, john, thanks again for being here. laughter we have to take another commercial break. Or were back from a commercial break, i cant remember which one. I think were coming back. Another day, another chance to bounce forward. Lets do this. By making internet speeds fast and reliable. So you can keep up with your customers. By ensuring those speeds have wireless internet backup. So if the power goes down, your connection doesnt. And by covering all your connected devices with serious security. So we can handle this. And this. While you get on with this. And this. Be fast, be secure. Bounce forward. With comcast business. Get started with a powerful internet and voice solution for just 64. 90 a month. Call or go online today. Stephen okay. Were back from a commercial break. The last time we were together, we talked about liverpool. Yes. Stephen and premiere league. Yes. Stephen and that has been canceled now. Yes. Stephen how are you handling that . Postponed, not canceled yet. Stephen what does that mean . It means theyve hit pause on the league. They could unpause it in june, sometime. If they can get it going by june, they might finish the league. Stephen if they dont and if that was it, and i dont want to upset you, if that is it. Yes. Stephen where will liverpool in their path toward victory . Were they leading . They were, they were. I think you know this stephen, i think they were leading, yes, they were leading. They were at the top of the league. Stephen i dont actually know. They were about to win the First League Title in 30 years, so. Stephen can you just say . Can you just say that theyre champions . Stephen yes, can you just say theyre champions at this point . Yeah. Stephen until proven otherwise. Yes, yes. Stephen until someone takes the pause button off. Yes, thats right. laughter stephen thats right, top of the heap. Their championship has been frozen like hans solo. Just their, with a cup above their head. Just nearly, so nearly. Stephen mmhmm. Well, whats the first thing you want to do . Whos the first person you want to rub up against when you get out of all this . laughter when this is over and you have a chance to touch another human being, who youre not sure is sterile, who do you want it to be . I guess not anyone you know. Thats the thrill, isnt it . Stephen yeah. Someone you know is theres always going to be some idea of touch there. I guess you want to walk up to a stranger in the street and rub your hand across their face. Stephen sure, theres going to be great rubbing of parts when this is over. No sex just rubbing. Thats right, it will be the iconic image to end this wont be like the times square kiss, its just going to be two strangers with their hands on each others faces, rubbing it. laughter stephen well, john, thanks so much for being here. Do you have another show this week . Yeah, yeah. Stephen okay. Well, all right. Take a deep breath. laughter that is like me just reminding you youre getting executed or something. laughter i do, yeah. I can just hear my producers going through the zoom again, just relax. Just relax. Theres a wire that should go into the back of the camera. Is it in there . Is it plugged into the wall . Then plug it into the wall. Stephen stay safe and sterile. Always, always. I was sterile before this. Stephen give my best to your family i will. Stephen and your dog and yours. Stephen and thank you so much for doing this. All right, i cant wait to rub my hand in your face. Stephen its a date. laughter last week tonight airs sundays on h. B. O. That man was john oliver, everybody. Well be right back. Yes, yes, yes. Better is the people you share it with. So right now switch and get two new lines of unlimited for only 90 and get 2 iphone 11s or 2 iphone 11 pros on us. All on tmobiles most powerful signal that goes farther than ever before. Hurry into tmobile now and get two iphone 11 s or two iphone 11 pros on us. Only at tmobile. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. And in our home food shouldnt go to waste. Thats why best foods is rescuing excess food from American Farms and bringing it to the tables that need it most. Help us rescue more food at bestfoods. Com help us rescue more food top down, the city riding with me been through the storm and the gritty do it for the mom pop on every block new day, sunshine on every block windows open, im yelling unity side by side with my community celebrate, lets have a jubilee its bigger than you and me theyve been there for us lets be there for them theyve been there for us i like big jeans. Ittybitty jeans. Feelin trendy yall, with the straight jeans showin off those curves, cause you the queen everyone go slay in your Old Navy Jeans welcome to denim america. With fits for the whole fam. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com guys guys safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 safe drivers save 40 thats safe drivers save 40 . It is, thats safe drivers save 40 . Hes right there. Its him safe drivers do save 40 . Click or call for a quote today. Safe drivers do save 40 . Lily everyone in the house is online and i cant get enough bandwidth to video chat with my book club. Try 1 gig internet with at t fiber. You get more bandwidth and hbo max included. So, everyone stays entertained. So i can just watch the show instead of reading the book . You know, if you turn on your subtitles. Thats almost reading. Get 1 giinternet with at t fiber for 49. 99a month for a year. No annualcontract. And now get hbo max included. Limited availability in select areas. Call 1. 877. Only. Att stephen welcome back. No, its not captain dr. M. D. Its me, Stephen Colbert. Fooled you. Folks, while we do shows from home, i want to tell you about another show. Its called tooning out the news coming to cbs all access next week. Its an animated show, right now being made by animators working all night long from their homes. Which is a great way to pass the time during quarantining. So lett tonights quarantooning he spent a lot of time on twitter today boasting about t news conferences have received lately. We have monday night football type ratings, and that these are like bachelor finale. Thats their end. Okay, hold on. When i got into this relationship with President Trump, it felt like we were out for the same thing, spreading coronavirus, but now hes talking about Television Ratings and its just, like, is he here for the right reasons . Is this just about ratings for him . Is this just some ego trip . Sorry, i cant do this anymore, okay, keep your stupid rose. Ill be fine. I think i just have to take the positive and remember im a strong, independent virus with a lot to offer. crying these both have the same amount of potassium. Only one of them is always ripe for the picking. V8 the original Plant Powered drink. Veg up. I browsed eight sites for i divorce attorneys today. I love working with you. Me too. Red heart emoji. Blue heart emoji. I hate lee though. Puke emoji. Puke emoji. My heart rate is currently 150. 151. And back down to 150. On march fifteenth i purchased prenatal vitamins and four pregnancy tests. The number on my credit card is zero, two, three, seven, one, two, two, one, zero, seven, six, five. Charmin ultra soft is so soft much are you hon . Youll have to remind your family they can use less. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. We love our new home. Theres so much space. We have a guestroom now. But, we have aunts. Youre slouching again, ted. Expired, expired. Expired. Thanks, aunt bonnie. Its a lot of house. I hope you can keep it clean. At least geico makes bundling our home and Car Insurance easy. Which helps us save a lot of money oh, teddy. Did you get my friend request . Uh, ill have to check. doorbell ringing aunt jonis here for bundling made easy, go to geico. Com. Hello . Stephen oh, hey welcome back well, were all hanging out at home. I thought it might be fun to remember what life might be like when we didnt wear a hazmat suit to the kroger. So please enjoy this classic segment from the beforetimes, or as im calling them, a colbert colvid. This week america has been gripped by the historic and deeply stressful event playing out on their televisions, of course im talking about the netflix series, cheer. laughter this documentary series is a huge phenomenon, it follows the Navarro Junior College cheer squad as they prepare for the national championships. Its incredibly compelling. Now, heres just a taste from the trailer. My goal was to be the best cheer program in the country. We only compete once for two minutes and 15 seconds in daytona. It may be the last time in your career. You work so hard your entire life for a moment. Do it again. If you want to be one of the top teams at the competition, you have to step it up. Whoever thought of tossing someone into the air and seeing how many times they can flip. That person is psychotic but yeah, im the crazy person that does it. Stephen watching that really took me back to my college days because i watched a lot of documentaries back then, too. laughter everyones talking about the show and the one thing people love is how the cheerleaders motivate each other with something they call mat talk. Take a look. Mat talk is when youre going through a routine and someone is yelling for you and checking you in and giving you cues. Thats mat talk. And jerry yes girl, you can hear him from the other side of the floor. yelling stephen thats how amazing these athletes are. They have found a positive way to scream a womans weight at her laughter mat talk is really inspiring. I think these stressful times, we could all use someone cheering us on like that, which is why, tonight, im proud to introduce the late shows newest sponsor. Jim . Are you feeling exhausted, uninspired, lacking the motivation to do even the simplest things . Then you need mat talk for regular people. The only nonf. D. A. Approved netflix based solution for small yet seemingly impossible tasks, like, getting out of bed. Get up work work its time to go to work push, push that blanket off your body, girl cheering yes, thatsa girl youre gorgeous yeah deciding when to cross the street yelling nows your chance, theres no cars coming lets go you are showing your bravo, you can walk this intersection cheering and even the motivation to speak up at work. Michelle, how are the q4 numbers looking . Uh, theyre yelling come on, michelle youre not stupid say the numbers, five, four, three, two, one, go actually, the numbers are looking pretty good. Yay cheering im sorry, actually, could you be quiet . Im trying to make a call. yelling put the receiver in your ear 98 pounds and for severe cases, we offer the coach monica booster shot. Listen, i picked you to be in this for a reason. You can do it. I dont think she can do it. Mat talk for regular people because you got tired from just watching cheer. yelling yes work get it, girl no. Stephen oh, hey thats it for a late show. Dont forget to wash your hands and if you were streaming this over your phone, wash your phone. Ill see you tomorrow. Because im not going anywhere. Good night. Oh, but before you go, enjoy some beautiful music from our own beautiful, jon batiste. Jon . Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org theme song playing are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry where it is you come from itll be all right its the late late show