Your moment of zen. Fish are biting in the water of sweden. Its known for crushing nuts and fish with its powerful jaws. But get this the fish can also captioning sponsored by Comedy Central theme song playing cheers and applause stephen whoo whoo audience chanting stephen welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. Thanks so much. Folks, like most americans out there i love waking up to my pals over at the today show. I watch all nine hours every morning. laughter its my one stop shop for news, sports, weather and whos sharting in the white house. laughter well, on friday today had my favorite rapper, florida. The last black man willing to be associated with the state of florida. laughter far and away mr. Rida is the best statenamed based rapper out there. Even better than i sda ho. laughter illin noise and, Orthodox Jewish hiphop artist ari zona. laughter holla cheers and applause and i applaud the Venerable Institution that is today for giving mr. Rida a forum for discussing his love of big, juicy butts. I wanna see that butt turn left, turn right turn around, you can tell what i like laughter stephen now, that may seem like a large serving of butt for breakfast laughter but remember today waited until 8 47 a. M. Thats just journalism 10 1. 6 00 a. M. , hard news; 7 00 a. M. Human interest pieces; 8 30 jackhammering badonkadonk. cheers and applause plus, as you know cheers and applause plus, did you know that this ode to his incurable sickness for the thickness laughter was inspired by our lord. Well, i have to ask the first question. Tell me about the jesus piece, i cant take my eyes off it. Its a sign of success. I put god first with everything. Stephen florida puts god first in everything. He only wrote bubble yum bum because jesus was a booty fan. After all, he did say turn the other cheek. Probably so he could watch the ladies twerk it cheers and applause so thank you, florida and thank you, today show because i had my morning toast already and you knew i was ready for that jelly. laughter now i am become death. laughter destroyer of worlds. laughter oh, hi there i was just putting the finishing touches on thpl. cheers and applause i told my neighbor to stop trim mig side of the hedges or he would regret it. Now, this little puppy down here would not be possibly without j. Robert oppenheimer often called the father of the atomic bomb leading to deep insecuritys for his son jeffrey who just never managed to blow up hiroshima. audience reacts now, oppenheimer lived in princeton, new jersey, which is located in the subject of the 72nd installment of my 434part series better know a district. Tonight, new jerseys 12th, the fighting 12th cheers and applause thank you. Other notable princetonians include james madison, jimmy stewart, Michelle Obama and, from 1933 to 18955 princeton held the honor of being the only town in america where you could say way to go, einstein and have an old man say dang a shane. laughter now, the 12th is also home to Supreme Court justice antonin scalia, meaning that Clarence Thomas insists hes from there, too. If youre in the 12th dont miss a night out with the minor league trenton thunder. Theyre always doing something new like the april 30 Organ Donation awareness night which, coincidentally, was also dollar hot dog night. cheers and applause and who has the jersey boys to represent such districts . Why, none other than democratic congressman and physicist rush holt. I sat down with representative holt in chairs. Congressman, thank you so much for talking to me today. Good to be with you, stephen. Stephen tell me about the fighting 12th. It has ethnicities more diverse than you can imagine. You go into a Public School in anywhere in that part of the state and youll find maybe 25 different languages spoken at home. Stephen youre the congressman for new jerseys 12th but you are running to be the new senator from new jersey. Why do you want to be a senator, though . After years of being in a donothing congress do you want to join a donothing senate . I want to make them a dosomething senate. I want to get there with elizabeth warren. Stephen everybody wants to get there with elizabeth warren. cheers and applause i just want to make sure that kids get the health they need to get to college. Stephen youre running against newark mayor corey booker. Or hes running against me. Stephen if cory booker is elect head would be the first black senator from new jersey. Tell the people of new jersey right now why you think its a bad idea to elect the first black senator from new jersey. laughter why is that so important to you to stop that . You know, race is something that is losing its meaning. When you realize that most people in america are of mixed heritage. Stephen all right. You were on jeopardy let me rephrase that. This man has five wins on jeopardy and even beat the i. B. M. Supercomputer wattson. Who is rush holt . Stephen thats what were trying to find out. If you dont know, how can your constituents know . laughter i follow the facts wherever they lead and develop develop policies. And put those out clearly and i think courageously. Stephen you find yourself courageous . You listen. Stephen where do you find courage to find yourself courages you . I said one should follow the facts and present them clearly and courageously. Stephen courageously. Okay. Education, big issue for you. That is probably as much as anything maybe more than anything what has made this country great. It has been our Public Education system. Stephen isnt there a lot of waste in education . We have biology and psychology. Do we need every ology . laughter you know, we should teach every science to every student every year all the way through school. Stephen astrology . laughter i said science. Thats astronomy. Stephen astrology is more of an a science because it has the ology in there. We should teach them every year. Not just tenth grade for biology 11th grade for chemistry. Stephen 12th grade for atrolg. Some people do better with aries, a taurus does better than w astrology. The applause you know, i laughter where were you going with this . Stephen whats your birthday . Ill do your chart. You do that . Stephen i dabble. Have you ever found it to work . Stephen yes very often initiating conversations with friends leads to greater understanding and contentment in the workplace. Whats your birth day . October 15. Stephen oh, youre a libra this is all making sense to me now. Libra. laughter and applause conservative voters gave you 100 rating. The lead of conservation voters. Stephen conservation voters . My apologies. That is disappointing. Well, we see what we like sometimes. Stephen so as a treehugger, do you ever go any further with the tree than huging . Under the trunk action . Um i im not sure where youre going. Stephen me either. Id like to find out. You worked on legislation to preserve the ocean, among other things, true . True. Stephen why are you aiding the enemy . The ocean is our friend. Stephen have you seen the movie sharknado . cheers and applause tornados made of sharks. Made of sharks. Stephen thats what you want to protect. I think sharknados dont exist. Stephen the only way to fight them to throw bombs into the tornado and of course bombs disrupt tornados. Well, even tornados result from the changes in the climate. Stephen would you consider legislation to fight future sharknados . I think there are many important things that we need to deal with and that are probably more important than that. Stephen such a libra thing to say. laughter moving on. Youre against things that fly over america. Youre such a big science egghead how come you dont like the Drone Program . Drones are the future . The idea of using armed drones to kill people without due process. Stephen there is due process. The process is that we do it. Innocent civilians are obliterated when something comes out of the blue. Stephen im not procivilian obliteration, i want to be on record. laughter then we should stop. Stephen it takes a tremendous amount of courage for me to say that. laughter im sure you can understand. You are the only quaker in congress. Yes. Stephen quaker is a pacifist religion. Its antiwar. Quakers are proud of looking for alternatives to war. Stephen would you engage me a thumb war . Lets do it. One, two, three, four wait, no, thats cheating. laughs stephen you just first first striking ability, something the United States has promised to never do. One, two, three, four, i declare a thumb war. audience chanting stephen good luck on tuesday, the stars say its very favorable. Thank you, stephen. Stephen lets put new jerseys 12th up on the big board cheers and applause looks like somebody in princeton just failed their Nuclear Physics midterms. Dont forget, new jersey, the primary is tomorrow. Go vote. Well be right back. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody folks its vacation season and i hate to admit this but i hate when t way americans are perceived when visiting the old country. I want those filthy garlic eaters to like us. laughter naturally, i was upset to learn that italians were throwing a hisssy fit about an innocent mistake at one of their museums. As if american tourists didnt have a Bad Reputation already, now there is this. A missouri man traveling in italy accidentally snapped the finger off a 600yearold statue. audience reacts an american tourist in hot water. Theyre knocking a finger off a 600yearold statue at a museum in florence. Part of the story is is to repair the damaged finger. Stephen italy, if your restorers need a model for that finger, i got one right here. cheers and applause who cares if a 600yearold statues finger snapped off . Just replace it with one of italys famed unlimited bread sticks. laughter or have we forgotten hospitaliano . laughter folks, if anyone is to blame for this it is the stat stat stat, for one thing, what is an opera museum doing with statues . Everyone is calling this a priceless art work, so whats the big deal . If its tree, just get another one. laughter naturally the museums director blames the tourist saying in a globalized economy laughter haiti mama normally, you dont touch the works but look at the statue. The guys been waiting for a high five since the 1400s you cannot leave a bro hanging besides, the american tourist had a perfectly good explanation. According to report, the man was measuring the finger and comparing it to his own hand when he accidentally broke the work of art. Stephen yes, that is the whole reason museums exist so you can compare yourself to the art. Thats why the first time i saw mike lang lows david i dropped trou crawled up there laughter did a little sidebyside comparison. And i dont want to shock anyone but cheers and applause i dont want to shock anyone. Lets just say he met the real goliath. laughter well be right back. Stephen cheers and applause welcome back, my guest tonight released a new book about america. As ben franklin said its the must read book of the summer. Please welcome Sheldon White house cheers and applause i love having senators on because you guys are the exclusive club, right . You guys got better washrooms and everything, im sure . Theyre actually redoing the womens senate washroom. Stephen what does that matter to you, sir . Makes everybody happier. Stephen it does . Does it really. Absolutely. Stephen you have a new book. Lets push some pitch aer, sir. Its called on virtues, quotations and insights to live a Truly American life. That started off as a notebook of yours, right . Yup. Stephen how long did you work on this book . Close on 20 years i put the first one down and ive had this little paper book with me. When i love it, i write it down. Stephen that why congress can get nothing down because it takes you 20 years to write a book . cheers and applause stephen its worse than that. We use mostly other peoples words. Selection. Stephen selection. Stephen so youre sampling. So this is your idea of after rap song. laughter youre sampling other peoples work. Yeah, its the good part. Stephen youve got some phat beats in here from Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt but youve also got things from, like, win William Shakespeare and winston churchill. This is honorable Truly American life. What do they know . What do english pardon me limey bastards know . laughter i mean that in the best possible way. Why would you quote someone else to talk about the Truly American life . Because some of the principles that are most distinctly american are ones that are part of the human condition and that people like shakespeare could have written about and churchill, of course, was part american. His mom was american. Stephen it comes from his fathers side. It was his fathers side. Yeah. laughter do you have a favorite get to here . Something that if you had to throw autoall the others and just keep one, what would it be . Theres a very short coupleet that says life is mostly froth and bubble, two things stand like stone kindness in anothers trouble, courage in ones own. Not bad. Stephen no. cheers and applause i believe that was written by florida. laughter could have been or illin noise. Stephen am i quoted in your book . Regrettably not. Is that a recall issue or. Stephen no, im glad because my favorite quote is youll be hearing from my lawyer. laughter i just wanted to know whether i could call you into court. Im safe. Stephen why did you put the book out . Because, no offense, on virtue youre a democrat, what do democrats know about virtue new virtues are a conservative ideal. Theyre about generally preserving what is good about our country when democrats are willing to sell us down the river to the first Interest Group with a rainbow flag. laughter why do you think why do you think youre suited to pick our virtuous quotes . I think that washington right now is a little short on some of the virtues and im not even the senior senator from rhode island but i want to do what i can to try to push a different debate into the discussion and to look back and see what people have said and done at some of the most important times in history, things that capture a particular piece of the human spirit. I think that adds a little bit of value. Maybe only a little bit but you do what you can. Stephen do you think this is an important time in Human History . I do. Stephen why is nothing happening then . cheers and applause if this is so important, why is nothing happening . cheers and applause because were at a junction and the fight is where do we turn . What direction do we go . And pretty soon i think paralysis in washington is going to break. I think the grip of the tea party on the Republican Party is going to diminish. I think a more moderate republican is going to be able to a peer and well Work Together and move forward in to broad and summit uplands. Stephen rulely . How about that . Youve got these things in your pocket all the time laughter thats really kind of a trump card wherever youre having an argument with somebody you can say as shakespeare said youre wrong and im right. Well, senator, thank you so much for joining us. cheers and applause the book is on virtue the man is Sheldon White house. Well be right back