Because by this time tomorrow night, if all goes as expected, if the polls are accurate, if the projections are correct, i will be the next Vice President of the United States [ cheers and applause ] thank you. So i have my luggage packed because as soon as i am ofcially declared the winner after i receive the obligatory calls of congratulation and concession from the lose esreservers, aka mike pence and tim kaine, i force two, i will shove joe biden out of air force two, and fly directly to my new home in washington, d. C. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thats right. I brought my own pillow so i can nap on the way there. Im not using joe bidens pillows, ill going to have my own. People ask me, how can you be so confident . The rope is simple. Ive surrounded myself with people who only tell me what i want to hear. Am i going to win tomorrow . Jimmy how do i look tonight, guillermo . Guillermo great, fantastic jimmy thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like i look great because i feel great because of Daylight Saving time. I got an extra hours sleep. It was early but late at the same time. Ill tell you something, when i am Vice President , were going to turn our clocks back an hour every weekend. [ cheers and applause ] thats right. Well go all the way back into saturday if we have to. I hate resetting the clocks. I bought two houses so i dont have to i have one house for spring forward and then i move to the other one for fall back. I have a lot of great ideas. Since we are less than 24 hours away from the polls i thought it might be wise to make my Closing Argument to the american people. Please bring in my podium here. Thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] ago i stood on the steps of this theater and i promised you that i would not rest until i became your Vice President. That turned out not to be true, i have rested a few times since then. Ive been on this pillow. I had to. Ive been fighting my critics to the point of exhaustion. They said i couldnt launch a solo run for Vice President. They said it was a waste of time. They said it was illegal. Were they right . Definitely. [ laughter ] did it hurt my feelings . Yes. Did i cry . Yeah, i cried a lot. But i have mission. I have never wavered to my mission. Before you go to the polls tomorrow i want to remind you a vote for jimmy kimmel is a vote for a good solid number two, and who doesnt want that . [ cheers and applause ] take this podium. Take this luggage too. Thank you. Im drunk with power already. We have an exciting final show cubs kris bryant is with us. [ cheers and applause ] not only champion, he will probably be league mvp after what many believe was the greatest game seven ever. The cubs had their victory parade in chicago on friday. And after 108 years, these fans were fired up. You guys came why . Because the chicago cubs are [ bleep ] awesome sorry about that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy and then one of the pitchers from the cubs jon lester got onstage and the curse of the billy goat continued. Jon lester how about this [ bleep ]. Sorry, kids. Jimmy yeah. The kids will forgive you. Kris bryant of the cubs is here. The great Carol Burnett is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] very exciting. And we have music from chicagos barker. [ cheers and applause ] i do want to say something. If you havent yet registered to vote, its not oh, wait, it is too late, forget it, you dont get to sote. Tomorrow we will elect either biff from back to the future or one of the robots from west world. You will decide. This is interesting. I read over the weekend there used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on election day. People used to get drunk like st. Patricks day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent t i think this is the year to bring that tradition back. [ cheers and applause ] if everyone who votes if theres one thing that we learned from this election, its that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use facebook, that was a mistake. Theres been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. Whoever wins i want us to all promise one thing. Lets never do this again. [ laughter ] we tried democracy, i think we proved were not mature enough to handle it, we cant do this, about pet videos. In other words, stand in line and then take that i voted sticker and put it right over your lips. We dont want to hear about it anymore. In less than 24 hours the election will be over. The race for the white house in 2020 will begin in two months, i guess. For a while, at least, we can give the cable news and all the screaming surrogates a rest. Cnn has a woman named Scotty Nell Hughes on a lot. Shes a trump supporter. Last night she had a very authentic take on jayz and his appearance at a Clinton Campaign event over the weekend. When you look at jayz, we talked about this that night, he might be working on it but one of his main videos starts off with a crowd throwing mazel tov cocktails at the police. Very much antipolice message that beyonce has had this year molotov cocktails. Involved dea Hillary Clinton got good news yesterday. Fbi director james comey, who sent a letter to congress saying not so fast, we found more emails, sent another letter to congress yesterday basically saying, never mind. Toured out almost all the emails were duplicates of emails theyd already looked at, which is pretty the fbi, they make bad decisions. Remember that time they hired keanu reeves to go undercover as a surfer . [ laughter ] dumb. Hillary clinton was in pembroke pines, florida, where not even rain could rain on her parade. You are a hardy bunch to stand out here in the rain. I dont think i need to tell you, all of the wrong things about donald trump. But heres what i want you to remember. I want to be the president for everybody. Everybody of race, people who dont agree with me, people who vote for me, people who dont [ cheers and applause ] jimmy say what you want about Hillary Clinton, what a beautiful, soothing delivery she has, you know . In fact, ive always said that reminds me of something lets get out lets vote for the future lets vote for what we want for our country and our children god bless you jimmy turned out the election was just a very bad heres an Interesting Campaign twist. According to the New York TimesDonald Trumps twitter account is now controlled by members of his campaign staff. They took it away from him. Which is a great idea they should have had 400 days ago. [ laughter ] trump is bulldozing his way to the finish line. He was in five states today. And he was in wilmington, north carolina, over the weekend where we slowed him down to half speed for tonights final day of the Campaign Edition of drunk donald trump. Wow. So folks, im going to see you guys in a little while. But what am i going to do . What do i have to say . Im going to leave. Goodbye, everybody. Im leaving. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i believe he just did. Im going to miss you, donald trump. His wife Melania Trump is good when you slow her down so we did that, please welcome to the stage drunk Melania Trump. [ playing tape slowly ] im very excited to talk to you about my husband, donald trump. President. Jimmy my only regret is that woman gets to know melania better. If the polls are to be believed mrs. Clinton has a solid lead going into tomorrow. The fbi email thing did hurt her a bit, but that was more than offset by a major lastminute endorsement she got today from maybe the most unlikely supporter of all. If you havent seen this yet, buckle your lap belts because is huge. America needs a strong leader in Hillary Clinton. Take it from someone who knows her well. I know her very well, i know her husband very well, i like them both. Donald trump knows that hillary will work hard for you. I think she really works hard and i think she does a good job. He trusts her experience. How did she do as secretary of state . Probably above and beyond everybody else. He knows that she will bring back peace and prosperity. Look at what happened during the economy was doing great. Everybody was happy. He knows which party is best for the economy. The economy does better under the democrats than the republicans. And he just likes her. I just like her. And her husband. I like her and i like her husband. Hes a really good guy and shes a really good person and woman. Most of all, donald trump knows that the last thing America Needs is a sexual predator in the white house. You think about him with the women, how about me with the this election, join donald trump in saying no to donald trump. And supporting his opponent. Hillary clinton im donald trump and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. We have a good show tonight. Music from vic mensa, Carol Burnett is here, be right back with kris bryant of the World Champion chicago cubs [ cheers and applause ] sfx bell rings is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . . Youre ready. . . . Is that coffee . What else . Whatcha got there . New cheezit sandwich crackers made with real cheese ummmm. Sammiches sandwich with a d sammich. Sandwich Sammich Sammich see ahahaha we take time , in our new cheezit sandwich crackers. Sammiches. You totaled your brand new car. Nobodys hurt, but there will still be pain. It comes when your Insurance Company says theyll only pay drive threequarters of a car . Now if you had Liberty Mutual new car replacement . , youd get your whole car back. I guess they dont want you driving around on three wheels. Smart. With Liberty Mutual new car replacement . , well replace the full value of your car. Liberty stands with you . Liberty Mutual Insurance. . . . . Its just a ugh. If you could see your cough, youd see just how far it can spread. Robitussin dm max is now better tasting, because its never just a cough. Scott tipton our congressman . Or is he a realestate agent for bigmoney Campaign Contributors . Tipton sponsored a bill to give away our public lands to his outofstate donors. Over 30 colorado Business Leaders called tiptons plans, a serious threat to the Outdoor Recreation industry t put colorados future up for sale. House majority pac is responsible for the content of this advertising. Jimmy welcome back to the show. One of the alltime television greats, she has a new such good company, Carol Burnett is with us. Carol burnett will not like this. This is his latest album called theres a lot going on. Vic mensa and Travis Barker. Later this week, we have quite a week on the show. Were preempted tomorrow because of that stupid election. [ laughter ] banks, butch walker, t. I. And Willie Nelson too. Please join us for all of that. Late last wednesday night our first guest, look at him here, helped to transform a team of longtime loveable lose ers, th World Champion cubs. He is the probable National League most valuable player from the chicago cubs, please welcome kris bryant [ cheers and applause ] . Have a seat. Im glad to see you and the goat have finally made peace, thats really nice. How you doing . Doing good. Jimmy whats going on with you . Anything new . [ laughter ] we won a pretty important game recently. Jimmy you did . Congratulations, i didnt see yeah, quite a few people were watching. Jimmy what was the best game youd ever been involved with previous to that . I mean probably game six of the nlcs. Jimmy game six of the nlcs. [ laughter ] [ applause ] its unbelievable. Just this whole postseason experience. I mean, i dont think ive ever played in games that meaningful and that were that good. That was one of the best game jimmy i dont know that anyone has. People keep saying one of the best. Ive been trying to think of one that was better and i cant. I mean, first of all, the history obviously. And then just how excited everyone in the up to was. 5 Million People show up to the parade. Yeah. Jimmy which i think is all of the people. [ laughter ] they had to import people from other cities to be part of this parade. Yeah, i you know, just go sit on the bus there and, i there was just people lined through the streets. I mean, i was trying to make out peoples faces and heads and it just looked like a blur, so many people. Ive never seen that many people. You know, in one spot. What was cool, you know, three days after that, were going to the field to clean out our lockers and stuff. You know, i was doing a red bull commercial, what was it, yesterday. Theres probably 3,000 people waiting outside. Gate. Cheering for us. When were just cleaning out our locker. I was like, this doesnt get old. [ laughter ] this is pretty cool. Jimmy pretty cool. [ cheers and applause ] you were wearing this. You were wearing a wwe championship belt at the parade. How did that happen . And why . Why . Left. I saw this, it was like in a nice little case. I was like, this looks like a belt. Everybody has cool Anthony Rizzo got to take the trophy home when we won. Im like, ive got to find something cool to wear for the parade. Jimmy that was just there . It was just there. I didnt realize they did that. I pay no attention when people win i guess they did do it in the nba, the nfl, people wearing these belts. Im like, im wearing that, thats pretty cool. I wore it the whole day. And i guess they wanted it back. I was like, jimmy they wanted to take it back from you . I guess. I mean, i dont know. I was like, nope. Jimmy i dont care if they have to sue you, stick with that, that was yours. I didnt hear that. Jimmy when you were playing in the game, there was a big for those who didnt see it, if you didnt you really missed something. You guys were on top, then the indians detail back and tied in the eighth with a home run, and then as if the game wasnt crazy enough, it started to rain. Seemed like it was raining really hard. I was watching on tv. It was okay. It started out we play through that all the time. You know, then it started pouring. Its like, of course this happens. We hate rain delays. I mean, you stop the game jimmy they delay the game. [ laughter ] it stinks. Jimmy and you get wet. That was the best thing for us, i think. Jimmy why was it the best thing . We recouped and had a meeting in the weight room there. Jason heyward led the way. Jimmy what did he say . We were crying jimmy crying . Yeah, like its upsetting we hadnt won a world series in 108 years. Jimmy yeah. Like we were up three runs, then gave up one. Obviously youre ral dischapman is one of the best closers in the game, 105 is pretty hard to hit. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah. I mean, it was devastating. Giving up the lead. It wasnt going to be easy. Its never easy with the chicago cubs. Jimmy you have a team meeting. It was more of like, you love everybody here, you know, its nobodys fault, you know, were still going to do this. Weve been doing it all year. I mean, theres so many times throughout the year. We won a lot of games but we came back a lot. Jimmy right. Kind of this identity of the team. To do it in the biggest game ever [ cheers and applause ] jimmy do you think thats one member of the indians was giving his team the same speech in the other clubhouse at that very same time . Thats a tough one. Youre like, im going to go on my phone, check instagram. Jimmy no checking stain gram this time. Its like, yeah, this stinks. I dont know. Jimmy lets watch this clip. I love this. Youre fielding. This is the last out. If you make this play youre going to win the world series. You have a big smile on your face. You slip. Luckily, because i mean, its a great clip yanchts. Jimmy its one of those forever. When youre old were going to be seeing that clip. Ill be dead but other people will be seeing it. [ laughter ] but if you hadnt if you had thrown that ball into the dugout with a big smile on your face . [ laughter ] it would have been the worst thing that ever happened to anyone. I know. It would have. I mean, i dont know if i was ready for that. Of course my foot, its wet, raining are, it slips. Im like, are you kidding me . Is that how its going to happen . You make you know. Havent won a world series in that long. See ya. Forever. Jimmy yeah. Thankfully. Jimmy you are from las vegas, nevada. I am also from las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] we both grew up there. This is you and your dad. Your dad, his goal was that you would be a professional baseball player . I think so. Jimmy you think so . Whats cool about it i mean, from what i hear, i wasnt alive when he was playing, but and its cool to kind of see i mean, hes dad. He gets excited. He leaves he stays with me when he visits, he leaves before i even wake up. Jimmy hes at the field ready for you . Yeah, wrigleyvilles awesome, so much to do. Hes out there [ cheers and applause ] hes hanging with the fans. And like for me its just like, hes proud of me. Jimmy yeah. Thats special to me. He worked so hard. Put a batting cage in the backyard when i was 5 years old. And theres been some improvements. I built a way better one for him. I mean, he was in the 110degree heat doing hitting lessons. I mean, like dad, youre going to kill yourself, what are you doing . I was like, okay, wee we need to get you a nicer place. Yeah, he spent the hours. Jimmy thank god or you would be a huge disappointment. [ laughter ] a huge failure. Jimmy were going to take a [ cheers and applause ] . Did portions of Jimmy Kimmel Live brought to you by drop canada premium drinks. A delicious cocktail mixer for your next party. . But till you came along . . We counted on our fingers and toes . . Now youre here to stay . . And nobody really knows. . Zero really can be a hero. Get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first months payment. Right now at the volkswagen sign then drive event. Ah, beth. So the elevator is stuck again. With directv and at t you can stream your favorite shows without using your data. That makes you more powerful than being stuck in an elevator with a guy with overactive sweat glands. Sorry, rode my bike today. Cool. Hey this man can lift a 526 pound barrel of tennessee whiskey. These people can do everything else. . This is lynchburg, tennessee. Im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. Donald trump i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldnt lose any voters, okay . And you can tell them to go f themselves you know, you could see there was blood coming out of heryes, blood coming out of her wherever. You gotta see this guy. Hh. I dont remember. Jimmy thats kris bryant in chicago. The cubs victory parade. Thats unbelievable. The best thing ive ever been a part of. Jimmy the best thing youre ever going to be a part of. And id just won the world series and its like, this is way cooler jimmy its the only acceptable use of a selfie stick ive ever seen. I guess theyre gone. Jimmy youre getting married [ cheers and applause ] when a you getting married . When . January. I think. Jimmy will you invite those 5 Million People to the wedding . Were going to try to keep it jimmy will your teammates be invited . If they want to come. Jimmy all . Like class where you have to invite everybody, one of those deals . Kind of, yeah. Jimmy how many do you think will come toll wedding . Are you hoping certain members of the team do not show up . [ laughter ] i hope travis wood shows up but yeah. I mean, Anthony Rizzos going to be in the wedding which is cool, hes one of my good friends. Nice. [ cheers and applause ] it will be fun. Jimmy yeah. I heard is it true that somebody found your bridal registry and people have been sending you gifts . Yeah. I mean, its [ laughter ] yeah. I mean we heard of the indians guy, one of their rookie pitchers, i guess someone found his too. My fiancee was looking 15 items just got bought. Its like, so were registered . [ laughter ] crate and barrel and bed bath and beyond. Jimmy are you really . Yeah, i think so. I went to bed, bath beyond with a little thing, shooting the bar codes. There is a gentleman here in the audience tonight who i feel like he played a major role. I know you ran into him for a second in the green room backstage. But his name is ryan. Before we see ryan. Yes. Now thats ryan. Was any member of your team [ laughter ] jimmy crying harder than ryan was . [ cheers and applause ] ryan, come up here for a second. Come up here for a second. [ cheers and applause ] ryan, thats awesome. Jimmy have a seat right there. Tell kris and be serious. Just looking at kris beautiful blue eyes. You also happen to have beautiful cubs blue eyes. Tell him how much this meant to you as a longtime cubs fan. Dont cry. Ill try. Jimmy id love it if you could both cry. [ laughter ] no, no. Anything for tv. Jimmy that would be a huge win for me, yeah. I think we found that no one right now. Jimmy dont look at me, look at kris. I cant look at kris. [ laughter ] but this has been an amazing experience. Everybody i know in my life that has been part of my life and me growing up this has been a huge deal. Its ridiculous. It happened, i still cant believe it. Im dreaming right now. Im sitting next to kris bryant on the jimmy kimmel show [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, if you want to go on a date, wed be happy to pay for it. Kris is getting married, this is your last chance i dont think youll ever find love like this from a woman, im just telling you right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] youre awesome. I actually watched the video. I dont know how i ran upon it. But watched, like this guys awesome. But like just winning the whole thing, its like you see a lot of that. Like wow. For me its cool to kind of have that effect on people. Jimmy yeah. Right. It is, of course its cool. I was crying. I was going to cry either way, if we lost. Jimmy im going to cry right now. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you, kris. Thank you, ryan for providing tears. Kris bryant, everybody. Be right back with Carol Burnett [ cheers and applause ] . [montage of chatter] [montage of chatter] . My mother passed 2003, but she always told me i dont care if you turn out you need to make sure you get your college degree. Sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. phone ringing answering machine hi, leave a message after the beep. beep hey mom, this is larry. I just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. Love you. beep . 3,2,1. Lumi . Re, action . The world is full of surprising moments. Theyre everywhere. And as a marriot rewards member, i can embrace them all. The new marriott portfolio of hotels now has 30 brands in over 110 countries. So no matter where you go, you are here. Join or link accounts at members. Marriott. Com. Happy home in exile . . Oh which way should i go . . . Home is where i want to be . . Home . We love being green. So the nest learning thermostat connects to your phone, and learns what you like, to help you save energy. And thats something everyone can appreciate. . Come into olive garden now for our never ending pasta bowl starting at 9. 99 sauces and toppings. Now including chicken alfredo. Plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. 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Narrator what do you really know about darryl glenn, the fringe republican candidate for senate . Darryl glenn doesnt believe in climate change. Hes for eliminating the department of education. And glenn wants to outlaw abortion even in cases of rape and incest. Reporter glenn says if hes fortunate enough to go to capitol hill, darryl glenn im running against democrats. Im running against evil. Narrator darryl glenn is wrong for colorado. Jimmy thats what we were looking for. Still to come, music from vic mensa and Travis Barker. I have been hoping our next guest would be on this show since we started almost 14 years ago. Turns out we were calling the wrong number. [ laughter ] she is a comedy legend and has six emmys, a peabody, a president ial medal of freedom to prove it. Her new book is called . In such good company. Please welcome Carol Burnett jimmy im very pleased to have you here. Im pleased that youre having me here. Jimmy i was in a van with my parents this weekend. We were driving. They were driving me home. I was a little drunk, ill be honest. Good they were driving. They told me, call me whenever youre drunk, well pick you up, and ive been doing it since high school. We were talking about how exciting it was that you were on the show tonight. Thank you. Jimmy we would as a family that anymore. Well, that was [ cheers and applause ] jimmy every saturday night we watched you. Yeah, you know, back then there were only three channels. So it was a point, television, people would sit with their family and watch the shows. That doesnt happen anymore. Jimmy everybody has a tv in their own room and people separate. Its kind of too bad. Jimmy its also because the show was so yate and so i mean, really, i was watching videos today. And its still funny. Comedies. Funnys funny. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy one of the alltime greatest shows. And that was my childhood. Your childhood took place right here in this neighborhood. Hard to believe. I was raised here in hollywood on yucca and wilcox. Jimmy right down the block. Which is right down the block. I went to selma avenue grammar school, hollywood high, which is right here. And when we were growing up, when or playing jungle girl or whatever, we would go climb the hollywood sign. Jimmy you would hike up the mountain there . Hike up to it, yeah. And i mean, climb the sign. The scaffolding behind the letters. And it was all rickety. I dont know how we did it without breaking our necks. But we would climb up. We would get splinters. The the os were my favorite. I loved the os. Id go, hello hollywood [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you did that regularly . Oh, yes. You cant anymore because theyve got a fence around it. Theyve redone it and everything. Jimmy did hollywood ever answer back . To your greeting . Shut up [ laughter ] jimmy what was your first job in this ar . I was an used to call them. For Warner Brothers theater on wilcox and hollywood boulevard. Jimmy wow. Again, right on our block. I was in school. I was about 17, 18 years old. And it was that was a time when they would dress us up in funny outfits. Like harem pants and some sort of a funny jacket with epaulets and a fez on the said and stuff. You know. Girl. I stood in the middle of the lobby in an amber spotlight directing the audience. Because i had a loud voice. Aisle 2, straight ahead the stairway to your right that kind of thing. Then one night i was standing in front of aisle 2 door. And this was when people would go to the movies and the movies would keep running. So theyd come in sometime in the middle of a see the last part, wait, see the first part, and say, oh, this is where we came in, and theyd leave. Bizarre but thats the way it was then. I was standing in front of aisle 2 one night. And this couple wanted to be seated the last five minutes of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. Alfred hitchcock was a great suspense director. Jimmy sure. Strangers on a train. And this couple came. And i said, oh, please. I said, no, dont, dont, its going to ruin it for you, wait, its going to start again in another ten minutes, go to the bathroom, get some popcorn, but dont we want to sit down and i said, please, you cant. The manager came up. And he was kind of certifiable anyway. He said, whats going on here . And this girl said, she wont let us sit down he said, burnett . I said, yes, sir . He went and ripped off my eppalettes. Jimmy wow. Almost like in a cartoon. I was fired. Right on the spot. Drummed out of the corps. So the nice thing is that years later, when they said where do you want your star on hollywood boulevard . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] heres the topper, also that theater was being renovated or and i now have the door iny home that i was fired in front of. Jimmy really . [ cheers and applause ] i love that you i never imagined you would be vindictive and i hey of have to say i love it. After the show lets go to home depot, well buy a couple of shovels, well find his grave, dig him up, do Something Weird to him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Carol Burnett is here well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] d let roomba from irobot help with your everyday messes. Roomba navigates your entire home. Cleaning up pet hair and debris for up to 2 hours. Which means your floors are always clean. You and roomba, from irobot. Better. Together. Can a toothpaste do everything well . This clean was like pow it added this other level of clean to it. 6x cleaning my teeth are glowing. They are so white. 6x whitening i actually really like the 2 steps. Step 1, cleans. It felt like leaving the dentist office. Crest hd. 6x cleaning , 6x whitening i would switch to crest hd over what i was using before. Crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. When it comes to healthcare, seconds can mean the difference between life and death. For partners in health, time is life. 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You mean like they got married . Umm. I guess. Youd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. Oh, its a lab coat so. Hey everyone, joes getting married bam bam ba bam. Oh, im not. We take time for our cheese to mature. Who says i shouldnt have a soda everyday . My doctor. My dentist. Definitely my wife. Wait, i know what i want. Make sparkling water at home. And drink 43 more water every day. Sodastream. Love your water. Jimmy ho Jimmy Hollywood high School Across the street, a nice librarian let us borrow the yearbook from 1954, your high school yearbook. There you are in journalism class. Did you want to be a journalist . I wanted to write, yeah. One time i got the idea, which i thought was brilliant, of interviewing tame miscellaneous people for the paper who went to hollywood high. And i had one all set up. Lana turner. Jimmy oh, wow. Major, major movie star. And then some snitch [ laughter ] told on me that id be cutting classes and the principal said, no, you cant do that. But the nice thing is lana turner was once came on my show. [ applause ] jimmy you had the revenge, i guess. I did. Jimmy yet people in your past need to be punished in various ways. Thats right. Jimmy a lot of the stories in the book are about making the Carol Burnett show. You watched how many episodes . 276. Jimmy 276. Not all. Not all the way through or i wouldnt be here still. Id be doing it. Jimmy what was that like . Well i fast forwarded through a lot of the sketches that i remembered. To just see the change in all of us. The growth. Especially vicki lawrence. She was 17, 18 when she came on our show. Jimmy wow, i didnt realize that. How she grew. Harvey, who was brilliant from the getgo. I even matured and changed. Of course i did, i aged. But i got better. So it was just it was fun to watch. Jimmy tim conway, was he as because he always cracked you guys up. When you were doing the show was he as funny offcamera as he was on the show . Tim would do things for himself too. Without an audience. Just his sense of humor. I remember this one time, my husband and i went to a party with the gang in the valley. And phwe got there a little bit late. Tim was sitting on the couch with his head swathed in toilet he had eyeholes poked in. He wasnt drunk, he was just doing this bit. Looked like the invisible man. You know. Jimmy yeah. And so somebody took, back then, a polaroid picture of him. And it came out kind of the size of your drivers license picture. So he cut it out. And this was before everything got laminated and stuff. He stuck it, the picture, on over the top of his real drivers license picture. So picture shows him with the toilet paper. Now the partys ended. Still wrapped in the toilet paper, he gets in his car. [ laughter ] hes driving in a little trust avenue in the valley, no traffic, no nothing. And he knows theres a cop thats kind of over this corner. For the stop sign. He just kind of went through. And now the cop is coming after him. He pulls over. [ laughter ] the cop gets out. He said, okay, let me see your license. Jimmy thats fantastic. Of great stories. Carol burnett . In such good company . Is out now. Thank you so much for being here. Well be back with vic mensa and Travis Barker dicky the . Jimmy kimmel live . Concert series presented by ciroc. Scott tipton our congressman . Or is he a realestate agent for bigmoney Campaign Contributors . Tipton sponsored a bill to give away our public lands to his outofstate donors. Over 30 colorado Business Leaders called tiptons plans, a serious threat to the Outdoor Recreation industry and. Thousands of jobs. s future up for sale. House majority pac is responsible dicky the . Jimmy kimmel live . Concert series presented by ciroc. Lets get it. Jimmy id like to thank kris bryant and Carol Burnett, his ep. Its called theres a lot going on. Here with the song . 16 shots . With some help from Travis Barker vic mensa . Thanks to the world we got our boots strapped . 100 deep on stage street where the troops at . . The mayor lying saying he didnt see the video footage . . And everybody want to know where the truth at . . On the south side where its no Trauma Centers but the most trauma . A lot of cannons but you dont want no drama . I cant imagine if it was my own mama . . Got her first born son stole fr never had a chance . . And we all know its cause he black shot em 16 times how corrupt that is . . Now the Police Superintendent wanna double back . . Cops speeding up to the block like a runnin back . . . . Ready for the war we got our boots strapped 100 deep on stage street where the troops at . . And everybody want to know where the truth at . . On the south side where its no Trauma Centers but the most trauma a lot of cannons but you dont . . Want no drama i cant imagine if it was my own mama . . Got her first born son stole from her he never had a chance . . And we all know its cause he black shot em 16 times how corrupt is that . . Now the Police Superintendent wanna double back . . Cops speeding up to the block like a runnin back . . Tension is high you can see it in our eyes you want to violate . . Screaming out oink oink bang bang gang gang gang gang murder murder murder they mind state . . I just made me a mil and still militant this aint conscious rap this ignorant hair trigger . . Aint no fun when the rabbit got the gun when i cock back police better run . . One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve . . One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve . . Sixteen shots and we buckin back sixteen shots . . They threw a little girl down on the pavement pushed her off the bike . . And said stay out the way she was bleedin on the ground through her braces . . This is what happens when black folk dont stay in their places . . The mayor duckin when he fired the superintendent but resignation come with bonuses and recognition . . So we gon break in the stores on magnificent mile and if we gotta go lets go to prison in style . . Cops killin kids and stayin out of jail but Bobby Shmurda cant even catch bail . So its one two three six . . Now i got everybody yelling out . . One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve . . One two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve . . Sixteen shots and we buckin back sixteen shots . . Sixteen shots and we 16 shots . . . Me and lord got a clip with an extendo and we rollin with it hangin out the window . . We on 16th riding by the Police Station we might make a pork rind out of pig bro . . Somebody tell these custodies get their hands up nots . I aint a slave keep your chains off me . Stop the music. I got to say something. Im a black man from chicago and im tired of not being able to trust the police. I want to have and women sworn to protect me. I dont want to see another 17yearold killed like Laquan Mcdonald murdered in the street. When i hear a candidate talking about law and order and stop and frisk is the answer to our problems . You dont know our problems in chicago and you damn sure dont speak for us. Tomorrow we have the biggest election of our lifetime. So you got to get out and vote against hate. Because donald trump is a racist and if you dont vote, racism wins. Thats what i got to say. This is nightline. Tonight, inside the final 30. Its down to the wire. Finally, after all the anger, the namecalling, all the jawdropping twists, here we are on the eve of the election. You cant review 650,000 new emails in a day. You cant do the candidates making their Closing Arguments, hillary bringing out the big guns. Get out and vote tomorrow on the front lines as both campaigns scramble to get out the vote. Plus swap the vote. Feel like your vote is wasted . In deep blue or keep red states votes dont matter as much. Theres an app for that. Americans exchanging votes with people across the country making their drownedout hometown voices heard in fierce election