Celestial Minion News Today

  Aries Sparring with their weird antivax cousin over Instagram DMs after getting a little too trigger happy with the post-vax story selfies – consequently curating a Close Friends list solely based on their followers’ likelihood to suspect they now have a microchip in their arm. Taurus Protection from an infectious disease isn’t too shabby a birthday present, but this seriously wasn’t the type of headache they planned on having the morning after their 21st. Gemini Cancer Eagerly w...

  Aries July 22, 2021: Blowing the last of their MAP stipend on a Bikes To You shopping spree. Fingerless gloves, a helmet with a headlamp, a pair of those shorts with padding on the butt so your booty doesn’t hurt and a hot pink 10-speed. Personality traits CAN be bought, folks! Taurus July 16, 2021: Started off their solo backpacking fantasy with an assertive day trip along the Appalachian Trail. What began as stalwart confidence quickly dwindled to full-blown panic three hours in without ...

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Aries “The Harris Afterparty”: The horrendous but nostalgic combination of jungle juice, cigarette ash from the last 50 years and the joy of finally getting control of the aux.    Taurus “Dish Line Darling”: The lush smell of the Dining Hall dish room, spiced with notes of soap and the Nutella-smeared sausage clinging stubbornly to the trough.     Gemini “The Cleve Whiff”: A provocative blend of burnt popcorn, loggia brick and … is that a skunk I smell?     Cancer ...

  Aries Leo’s mom (a Taurus, of course) just brought in the Cheez-It snack packs and cups of SunnyD. Good thing Aries brought the half-empty bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade they’ve been holding on to since their sister’s sweet 16 to really get this party starteddd.   Taurus Is passed the fuck out on the couch despite how much noise everyone else is making. Nothing, not even the end of the world, could wake up Taurus, except for maybe the vaguely demonic chanting in the bathroom. (...