Page 46 - Welcome Back Program News Today

Nation startup looking to gain market share in iraq. The group is called isis, not to be confused with their early 90s incarnation, vanilla isis. [laughter] anyway, the Iraqi Government has now had a couple tweaks respond to the rebels incursion. We should be getting news of the Iraqi Governments triumph right about now. Isis militants control the borderrary with syria, the border area with jordan and pretty much everything in between. Jon right about now. [laughter] wait did you just blow past ...

From Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. Captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We prepared program for you this evening, very exciting. Tonights guest, Christopher Walken will be joining us in a new movie called jersey boys. The story of four young men who achieved success despite the terrible disadvantage of being from new jersey. [laugh...

Tharlys cockangels. Both men were bailed out by African Americans. Its the subject of tonights democalypse 2014 always bet on black. [laughter] obviously the African American vote is always important in Charlie Rangels harlem and bronx district, but this year even more so because the 22term incumbent 22term incumbent his incumbency can now legally drink. The 22term incumbent, an inventor of the famed front pant air bag technology, hello. Im Charlie Rangel. Do you wish the front of you looked mor...

Israel and palestine . Oh, man, can a brother gate batman sequel . For gods sake. [laughter] i just need day off. Thats all i need. The audience wants me do the same. What would you do . I dont know. I just want some pizza. What do you want from me . [laughter] but tonight id like the talk to you about corporations. Corporations, theyre a lot like us immortal. [laughter] shielded from liability, accountable tom shareholders. Oh, wait, thats opposite of us. Sorry. But there is one thing corporati...

Seems to have shown the worst. A jumbo jet carrying 239 people. Were doing everything we can to get as many detail as possible from the sources around the world. Jon the accurate and humble assessment from cnn until they realized oh, bleep we have 23 hours and 59 minutes left to fill. [ laughter ] bleep it lets go nuts. And they did. With everybody everything in their bag of tricks. Giant floor maps. Big flake airplanes. Little fake airplanes. Holographic airplanes. No airplane detail left unspo...

Welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. Good show tonight. My guest will be denis leary. Were going to talk about the benefits of meditation and our favorite palestinian polish cuisine. [laughter] but first a little discussion we were having earlier in the audience. [laughter] the end of march saw the Affordable Care act enrollment deadline. It was a crucial test for the Obama Administration they set an am bishes goal. I think success looks like 7 Million People signing up by the end ...

That, that. No [cheering and applause] i even think thats understating it. That was last nights republican primary in virginias seventh district. [laughter] political newcomer david brat defeated the sitting House Majority leader, cane only assume future millionaire lobbyist, eric cantor. Cantor was basically the fourth most powerful republican in washington behind mitch mcconnell, john boehner and an ar15 that fires baby eagles dressed like jesus. How, how. [laughter] thats. They said the pictu...

Seems to have shown the worst. A jumbo jet carrying 239 people. Were doing everything we can to get as many detail as possible from the sources around the world. Jon the accurate and humble assessment from cnn until they realized oh, bleep we have 23 hours and 59 minutes left to fill. [ laughter ] bleep it lets go nuts. And they did. With everybody everything in their bag of tricks. Giant floor maps. Big flake airplanes. Little fake airplanes. Holographic airplanes. No airplane detail left unspo...

There in, what do you call it, 08. Back before that, george bush promised to fix it. Before that, i guess it was harry s. Truman, who said in 1945, this is true, five weeks after he took over for Franklin Delano roosevelt, who died of a brain hemorrhage after trying to wrap his mind around the v. A. F. D. R. , polio, no problem. Depression, no problem. Hitler, no problem. The v. A. . Anyway, as harry truman said, the Veterans Administration will be modernized as soon as possible, but i cant do i...

There now. [laughter] in some measure due to the destabilizing effect of our intervention. Youll never guess what the people who hyped the original plan would like to do now. We must grapple our best to help iraq meet this threat. It is absolutely essential that we stop isis from gaining this foothold in iraq. We need air power immediately to stop the advance. We have to act. We must act. Jon we must. [laughter] act. If we do, i think youre going to need acting lessons. But i do look forward to ...