Page 45 - Welcome Back Program News Today

Jon welcome to the daily show. My name is jon stewart. We have a good one for you tonight. Tonights guest from the new movie neighbors seth rogen is joining us. [cheers and applause] but first 2014 mid term elections are but six months away. You know what that means. Who will run for the white house in 2016 . Who will run in 2016. How do you win 2016 . What does it mean for 2016 . Jon why speculate about the near future when you can speculate about the far future. [laughter] coming up your tenda...

Tonight the malaysian flight seems to have shown the worst. A jumbo jet carrying 239 people. Were doing everything we can to get as many detail as possible from the sources around the world. Jon the accurate and humble assessment from cnn until they realized oh, bleep we have 23 hours and 59 minutes left to fill. [ laughter ] bleep it lets go nuts. And they did. With everybody everything in their bag of tricks. Giant floor maps. Big flake airplanes. Little fake airplanes. Holographic airplanes. ...

First theres been a Big Development in the Chris Christie pthebridgegate scandal. New results of the Chris Christie bridgegate scandal have been released today. Jon i wonder what the results will be of the investigation that Chris Christie himself commissioned. [laughter] perhaps ill read about it in this scandals paper of record the christie suntimespicayune. I havent seen the report. What does it say . This report has come out. It exonerates you completely. Do you feel exonerated. Jon i better...

December 2013, General Motors one of americas oldest most often bankrupted auto makers made an historic move. They named a woman as its next ceo. Her name is mary barra. We have a new ceo who happens to be a woman, a car gal. Jon a car gal, an auto dame, a jel loppy broad. [ laughter ] never has an outgoing ceo promoted change while so perfectly demonstratinging so much further they industrial to go. Have to go but for this horseless carriaged tomato, its looked like nothing but open road. We ha...

It asloane working to make this world a better place for you and me. [ laughter ] bleep . First its been three weeks since the disappearance of malaysian flight 370. Three weeks filled with dispair and anger for the families. Confusion and frustration for the investigators and ratings for cnn. In these three weeks cnn has been much like our native american and set ancestors usiny part of tragedy of. [laughter] with nonstop expert news reenactments, graphic simulation, with just a souscian of pop...

What does it mean for 2016 . Jon why speculate about the near future when you can speculate about the far future. [laughter] coming up your tenday forecast for next february. [laughter] its the subject of tonights democalypse 2014. The 2016 foreplay edition. For all we know joe will be president. We dont know. [cheers and applause] just a fella we met. For all we know the 2016 election could come down to antibiotic resistant strep versus the exoskeleton of Donald Trumps hair helmet. [laughter] i...

Laughter or you may not remember, you may have been watching basketball. We addressed a minor incident in our otherwise spotless department of veterans affairs. Something about the phoenix va workers falsifying patient waiting lists so that it didnt seem like veterans had long waits before seeing doctors. laughter but you know t was a good system give or take a couple of scores of veterans we may have killed. I got so mad that i screamed into this jar t is a swear jar that i would scream into. I...

Oh, man, can a brother gate batman sequel . For gods sake. [laughter] i just need day off. Thats all i need. The audience wants me do the same. What would you do . I dont know. I just want some pizza. What do you want from me . [laughter] but tonight id like the talk to you about corporations. Corporations, theyre a lot like us immortal. [laughter] shielded from liability, accountable tom shareholders. Oh, wait, thats opposite of us. Sorry. But there is one thing corporations do have in common w...

Primary in virginias seventh district. [laughter] political newcomer david brat defeated the sitting House Majority leader, cane only assume future millionaire lobbyist, eric cantor. Cantor was basically the fourth most powerful republican in washington behind mitch mcconnell, john boehner and an ar15 that fires baby eagles dressed like jesus. How, how. [laughter] thats. They said the picture wont be ready until the show. I said, well, all right. Whatever you can do to make it realistic. Thats r...

Terrible disadvantage of being from new jersey. [laughter] we do the best we can. But first, remember that country we invaded a little while back. No, no, that was too far back. No, no, that was. No, that was a shadow coup. That wasnt an invasion. That was a police action. That was a giant step for all mankind. Im talking about iraq. Thats the rock. Thank you. Iraq. Remember . We invaded it because 9 11 and weapons and then we had to pretend that we were really trying bring democracy and stabili...