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[ applause ] [ cheers ] [ ] thanks again to Billy Eichner and kristin shaw. And check out the new tour sedates for my new spring tour at jeselnik. Com. Your presale code is the word dark. Well see ya next week. Before i go, lets take a look back at the best moments from tonights show. Hey, darlene, whos the black sheep in your family . Intl my sisters kid jamal. Who has those . Who choose their flimsy relays . Which ways to anne hathaway, clearly, those people were making jokes. Lets go. Who did...

You know i love it ugh when people do that. You show them a picture of maggots and a banana sundae and theyre like, ugh, thats gross. I saw this kid, and he was doing this with his finger. It was so awesome. Hed take his finger and go ugh and he was so happy with his new discovery, a new part of his body that and he just kept doing it i was like, buddy, you better stop. My god. Thats gonna just take hold and be a tick, you know, just a part of your everyday speech. Maybe itll lay dormant for 22 ...

Jeselnik thanks to nick kroll and pat and oswalt and follow me on twitter and at tc. Com jeselnik and first lets look back at the best moments from tonights show. Hey . Yeah, anthony. What do they say about a bully gay teen on suicide watch . I dont know, anthony. Jeselnik no noose is good noose. [laughter] hey, rick. Yeah, anthony. Jeselnik why didnt christina get an aportion . To make a big splash at prom . Like in the toilet . Jeselnik you got it. Thats a look at this springs hottest dildos. ...

[ cheers ] [ ] thanks again to Billy Eichner and kristin shaw. And check out the new tour sedates for my new spring tour at jeselnik. Com. Your presale code is the word dark. Well see ya next week. Before i go, lets take a look back at the best moments from tonights show. Hey, darlene, whos the black sheep in your family . Intl my sisters kid jamal. Who has those . Who choose their flimsy relays . Which ways to anne hathaway, clearly, those people were making jokes. Lets go. Who did you rather s...

You mofos make me sick. This old sausage wallet hasnt eaten its last [bleep]. Have fun getting [bleep]raped by satans spiky [bleep], you grand mother[bleep]. [mimics gunfire] [mimics gunfire at lower tone] all right, thats it for the ben show this week. Follow me on twitter, like us on facebook, go to our web page. A lot of submissions this week for the Chubby Checker contest. You guys didnt get it. Were looking for chubby people who check out your groceries at the grocery, not the singer. Anywa...

Just going at and jesus was behind going, yeah daddy, yeah look at my ting ting, daddy [laughter applause continues] and god was like, calm down. Jesus christ. [laughter and applause] its beautiful. You know what i mean . But what happened to the penis. Was god in a rush that day . Was he outta time . The penis is the ugliest thing in the world. Its like he had a handful of clay and they were like, hey god, we need something for the dudes quick. He was like dah, i [laughter and applause] the pen...

Clarence is with me now. George washington . [ cheers and applause ] ahoy freedom will call us by our first names what . Thats a George Washington quote. I dont know its a private quote. Kristen we have some unfinished business. [ gasping ] man we had the specialest times that anyone has ever had [ laughs ] we had the specialest times and i think ive fallen in love [ laughs ] woman we had the specialest times ooh. And i think im falling in love give me your hand look in my eyes i need you, and i...

With my confidence to hire me at his company . Hi. Ash. Whats your name . Im ash hamid. Nice to meet you. Um, do you need someone with sign language . Well, i always work for myself. Once he started talking, i knew i was in control. And afterwards, i showed him who hed really been interviewing. This is who you just hired. And thats the power of confidence. I would love to be included in your will. Double d breasts are essential for you . Its gotta be substantial. Captioning sponsored by Comedy C...

[cheers and applause] stephen thats it for the report, everybody. Good night. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central from Comedy Centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. [daily show theme song playing] [cheers and applause] jon welcome to the daily show. My same in jon stewart. Does that look like anything in i tried to draw a cartoon. Ow indeed. We have a nice one tonight. Joining us tonight from the msnbc Cable News Network we...

You ever write on a long email on one of these or take a picture on one of these . I have not done that, no. No. Uh uh. So until someone makes a phone that can do both really well. Am i sensing sarcasm here . Do more with the galaxy s iii and note ii. Now at safe technology. Advil pm® or tylenol pm. The advil pm® guy is spending less time lying awake with annoying aches and pains and more time asleep. Advil pm®. The difference is a better nights sleep. cheers and applause dave thank you so mu...