Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m one of those letter writers who probably just needs to hear someone say what I already know. A few months ago I ended a five-year relationship with someone I still love dearly because I couldn’t see a way to agree on a future family. When we talked about kids earlier in the relationship, my perception was that both of us were pretty ambivalent. (In my experience, “maybe someday” is what twentysomething men say when they haven’t given it a lot of thought.) Now it seems clear that becoming a dad someday is important to him. Meanwhile, my ambivalence has drifted toward being childfree. If baby fever hasn’t hit me yet, it’s just not going to, right? Everyone told me I’d change my mind when I was older, but now I’m 32 and I still don’t see the appeal of having kids. The stress of wondering whether we had a future together was really affecting me, so I called it off. At the same time, he’s my best friend and I love him with all my heart. It
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old daughter, “Anne,” from my first marriage. Her dad and I met when he was in a monogamous marriage to someone else, which I knew. We had an affair, I got pregnant, and he divorced his wife and married me. Anne doesn’t know any of this; she thinks we just met through work (which is true!) and her dad was already divorced, but I’m starting to think I should tell her. For one thing, her much-older cousins know, and I’m worried they’ll let it slip one day. For another, I don’t want to lie to her anymore, even by omission she’s too old.