Show. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by Comedy Central [cheers and applause] thank you very much. Welcome to the nightly show. Audience Larry Larry Larry such a good crowd. You can feel the love. Feel the love. Im larry wilmore, youre absolutely right. [laughing] larry that would of been horrible to say larry, larry, larry and im not larry. An exciting show. Cage master jon stewart rapper battle deluxe. No actually lewis black is joining us tonight. [ applause ] larry first off i made a joke earlier. I want to congratulate the Chicago Black hawks for winning the stanley cup. You did it. Good job chicago. Really, larry, brother into hockey. Stop being racist, you guys. Black people like hockey. We do. In fact here is someone who recently identified recently as a blackhawk fan. [ applause ] larry not making that up. She is actually a whitehawk fan but alright. Turning now to the top stories. Man so many candidates are throwing their hats into the ring. The ring is saturated with hats. Too many hats is what im saying here. The point is its time to check in on the unblack ening. Larry oh, whats this. Oh, a present. For me. Lets see. Too larry from the comedy gods. Comedy gods. What, what could it be. Why did they get me a gift they dont have to i ammo officially running for president of the United States. [ applause ] [cheers and applause] larry thank you, thank you, thank you. Larry yes, my god. How did you know comedy gods . I have a show good news for me. Horrible news for the writers. Because all of the jokes are officially writing themselves. Take it up with the guild [beep]. Okay. Alright. Okay. Lets start on our delicious buffet of trump sound bites. When do we beat mexico . At the border. Theyre laughing at us our stupidity. When mexico send their people theyre not sending their best. They are sending people with lots of problems. They bring drugs. They bring crimes. Theyre rapists. Larry oh. [laughing] larry mexicans sends those thats who comes to america. Guy is trying to make a living in the rape game. Send rape money back home to the family. Please please go on. Islamic terrorism is eating up large portions of the middle east. They have become rich. Im in competition with them. They just built a hotel in syria. Can you believe this . They built a hotel. When i have to build a hotel i have to pay interest. They dont have to pay interest. Larry huhuh okay. So, so, the real threat from ice is is their entry into the hospitality industry. Huhuh huhuh. And the victim who suffer the most at the hand of ice isis donald trump. Continue. I would build a great wall. Nobody builds walls better than me believe me. I will build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. I will have mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words. Larry okay first order of business you build walls better than anybody. So [beep] great wall of china. Okay. And [laughing] [ applause ] larry and and youre going to inexpensively build a wall to keep out mexicans and then have them pay for your low cost racist wall. Thats pretty [beep] amazing. Our enemies are getting stronger and stronger by the day. And we as a country are getting weaker. Even our Nuclear Arsenal doesnt work. [laughing] larry our nukes dont work . Kind of sucks to find out this way, right. [laughing] larry i dont have time to show you everything he said. Donald trump is thinking about us. I will tell you this. I have lobbyists that produce anything for me. I know the smartest negotiators i dont need anyone ease money. I am using my own money. I made the predictions. Have web sites all over the place. I think im actually a very nice person. Im proud of my network. I dont have to brag, im really rich. [laughing] larry i am spatter spartacus. Im so tired of this [beep] guy. Donald trump show me your birth certificate. Then i will take you seriously. Thats what you said to the black man. Who else has announced lately . Im a candidate for the president of the United States of america. We will take the power of choice away from the unions and bureaucrats. Larry wow. Non ironic u. S. A. Chant. Did you it jebb. Any other red meat thrown out to the crowd. Secretary clinton insists when the progressive agendaent counters religious beliefs to the contrary those beliefs have to be changed. Thats what she said. [laughing] larry thats what she said. Jebb, dont you know how thats what she said works. You blew it. Thats what she said. [ applause ] see thats how do you it. Thats what she said. Damn it. I get it thats what he said. He says it sometimes too. Alright try it again, jebb. This time take your time and yes, thats what she said. This is a place that welcomes everyone. Thats what she said. Leaders have to think big. Thats what she said. If we do all of this, if we do it relentlessly. Thats what she said. It begins here and now. Thats what she said. Oh, well. I did not know she is bilingual. I have to Pay Attention to multiple languages now if thats in facts what she said. Okay. Now again we dont have time to show you the entire announcement. Maybe we can crystallize the jebb platform. Entitlement system is unsustainable. Entitlement. Entitlement. No way we will get out from our entitlement mess. Larry entitlements are a mess. Yes. Finally someone standing up against entitlements. In this country of ours the most improbably can happen as well. Take that from a guy who met his first president on the day he was born. And his second on the day he was brought home from the hospital. Larry so relatable there. Right. I feel like man. I feel like were homeys and you know me. So many neat their first president , never. Jebb, we know youre likely tonight nominee here. We know trump is a clown. One thing about the donald he keeps it a hundred. Dont pretend like we dont know who you are. Your family owns a lot of [beep] man. Your last doesnt have to be exclamation point. It can be bush. What do you think. I will take nothing and no one for granted. Its nobodys turn. Its everyones test and its wide open. Larry its wide open. Thats what she said. Larry yes. Yes. Well done sir. We will be right back. Thats how you do it. Thats how you do it. These buttery croissant dogs are so gourmet and so french. Ah, yes, the old french mime trick. Thats really gonna work. french music playing okay, no, no, no. No stop it. No. Haha, what do you think of that . grumbles you want me to rub your fingers with my rub my fingers . You owe me money for my rope. Oohlala. Introducing the buttery, french croissant dog. And dont forget our halfprice shakes after 8 pm. clicks points, points, our points. There has got to be a way to redeem our hotel points. I just want to take a vacation. This seems crazy. Oh really . Tell us something we dont know, captain obvious. Ok. With hotels. Com, when you collect 10 nights you get one free. Oh. So you only need to know how to count to 10 to earn a free night at places like that nudist resort. Yeah i dont know how that got there. Because you stayed there took a selfie and hung it prominently on the wall. Hm . Hotels. Com. They wont judge your life choices. To steady betty. To steady betty. Fire it up am i the only one with a meeting . Ive got two. Yeah weve gotta go. I gotta say it man this is a nice setup. Too soon. Just kidding. Nissan sentra. J. D. Powers highest ranked compact car in initial quality. Now get 0 financing or a great lease on the nissan sentra. My name is Jeff Richardson the Vice President of operations here at c. K. Mondavi. To make this fine wine it takes a lot of energy. Pg e is the energy expert. We reached out to pg e to become more efficient. My job is basically to help them achieve their goals around sustainability and really to keep their overhead low. Solar and Energy Efficiency are all core values of pg e. Theyve given us the tools that we need to become more efficient and bottom line save more money. Together, were building a better california. [cheers and applause] larry welcome back. Big gay announcement from our neighbor to the south. Mexicos Supreme Court has ruled its unconstitutional for mexican states to bar samesex marriages. [cheers and applause] larry ya, man. Okay. Stop that. [laughing] mexico legalized gay marriage. You know, let me just say thats amazing. Exactly man. People have said mechanicsican. I believed mexicould. Mexico, this is huge. Thats what she said. Larry no you had your chance. Chance is over. You know you guys i always believed in mexico. I said they were progressive way before people used the word progressive its true. Its funny i had a cable show back in the 70s. I dont know if i told you about it. I remember talking about mexico and predicting all kinds of stuff. It came true. I dont remember exactly what i said. I think we have a tape of it take a look. This week i threw my annual swap meet and hot tub party this. Young cat, John Travolta stopped by. He was dig i my massive 19inch [beep] dont go there. No my high quality zinith television. He said, where you get that from. I said slow down [beep]. Let me tell you where its from. Get it all in. Thats right. I told him this aint from china. Its from mexico. All of the best electronics. All the best electron inns made in mexico from now on. China is done. That brings us to todays topic mexico. They beat us in everything. Cinco de mayo was originally in august. August is too [beep] hot to celebrate anything, right. One year it was may 5th and they said hey [beep] lets start drinking now. Boom cinco de mayo. Oh i want to [beep] this plate of chips right now. Thats some good [beep]. Thats why mexico is taking over. Everyone is playing soccer by 1988. Monday night football. Monday night soccer. Basketball is almost done now. It will take magic to revive that [beep]. I dont think thats it, right. Spanish people are not offensive to white people. They feel its exotic white or something right. You know straight hair, right. We know thats the deal. Mexicans can do it man. [beep] oh i tell you. You know what is good. Spanish fly. You ever try that, man . You ever hear about that. You put the thing in the drink and the girl is bam, out. 15 years everybody thats from mexico. Its not spanish. You know who turned me onto that . Bill cosby. [beep] man, he knows everything about knocking bitches out. Larry alright. We will be right back. Heineken light the best light beer youve ever tasted or your money back. With this guarantee, were literally putting our money where our mouth is. No, were not literally that would i literally wouldnt do that thats like experience taco bells capn crunch delights. Capn crunchs crunch berries cereal on the outside. Warm icing on the inside. 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So instead of waiting on hold, well call you when things are just as wonderful. [phone rings] but a little less crazy. Were doing everything we can to give you the best experience possible. Because we should fit into your life. Not the other way around. Larry welcome back. Im here with my panel. Variety named us one of the comics to watch in 2015. Ricky velez. And we have june here. His new movie inside out opened friday always hilarious comedian lewis black. We didnt talk about this earlier. I saw this this weekend. I had to bring up. The colorado Supreme Court ruled that businesses can fire employees for the use of medical marijuana. Okay. Even if its off duty. The slogan in the bathroom, right. The case is a quad quad araplegic who was fired from dish network. As if things were not [beep] bad enough. Larry is it fare to fire someone for what they do on their own time. It depends on the job. This guy was customer service. If you have to fly a plane or work, drive a bus. Ya, dont be in shape for work. I mean, you work at staples get high. [laughing] it sucks. Smoke crack. Larry i dont know about crack. I think its kind of unfair. You cant have it both ways. At the end of the day if he was Drinking Alcohol they wouldnt fire him. Its legal in colorado. You cant have it both ways. Larry right. I think its bang out. Larry bang out. I like that. Thats what she said. Larry does this seem like a violation of rights, lieu stpheus. It just seems stupid as a lot of things we do. Son of a bitch we allow people to pop and go to work. Come on. Larry speaking of [beep] here in america. Donald trump is running. First thoughts. My first thought. Larry yes. Someone hold a sewer id run at it. [laughing] [laughing] larry what is the opinion over seas seas when they see someone like donald trump run for president of the United States. Donald, youre fired. Thats the opinion. Dude no. I disagree. I dont know. I love him. Youre a trump fan. He won my vote today. He came out talking like floyd may weather. It was a mading. Larry ready for the fight. Im really rich. Floyd said that before his fight. Larry he did. He was talking like a rapper. I thought he was going to drop a mixed tape. [laughing] its amazing. Larry there is no way trump can back anything he said. When did we beat japan . At anything . Second world war. Hello. Little league world series. You know just just. You know what really the problem is here we have reached the point in time that satire and reality have intersected. Its the same thing. Its like you said at the beginning of the show. How do we make this [beep] funnier than it is. Larry its impossible. All you have to do is repeat it back this. Is what he said about iran. I will stop iran from getting nuclear weapons. We wont be using a man like secretary kerry who is making a horrible and laughable deal. Then go into a bicycle race at 72 years old and falls and breaks his leg. I wont be doing that. I promise i wont be in a bicycle race. We dont want to see him larry what does that mean. Hes running for president. I cant wait to see him in spandex. Larry its not even making sense. Whats amazing is he didnt smoke. Well, he probably did. I doubt it. All of those rich old guys are on everything. Really. Come on. Thats a sober thought. Of course its a sober thought. Look at his hair. [laughing] larry all the hair is coming up i think the hair is coming up and slowly draining the blood. The sign for his campaign is just his hair. Its just wrong. Larry china. Hey im not saying theyre stupid. I like china. I sold an apartment for 15 million to somebody from china. Am i suppose to dislike them . Larry theyre going to dislike you now. Along with the rest of america. There is a tremendous start to a Foreign Policy idea. Larry right. You always want to start what you got paid to sell an apartment. You know logical stuff. Of course. Like everything there. Arry just make it make sense first please. Lewis. This explains everything. Donald trump is standing on a bridge being dedicated and off to the left is the guy who built the bridge the architect. Donald trump saw nobody paid attention to the man who built the bridge. He said to himself at that point in time im not going to be a sucker. Like that guy was. He is literally declaring to the press this is the moment when i decided im going to be an asshole. Larry asshole of the world. Thank you for breaking that down. We will be right back. If youre in new york city come see the show. Go to the carbs to compete electrolytes to replenish. Everything you need to keep sweating. Ive got a huge secret. To tell ya about my secret recipe. Its now a dipping sauce. Finger lickin good sauce. Available in my 5 fill up. Its Finger Lickin good. Watch as these magnificent creatures take flight, soaring away from home towards the promise of a better existence. But these birds are suffering. Because this better place turned out to have an unreliable Cell Phone Network and the videos on their little bird phones kept buffering. Birds hate that. So they came back home. Because they get 300 for switching back to verizon. And so can you verizon, come home to the best network. To steady betty. To steady betty. Fire it up am i the only one with a meeting . Ive got two. Yeah weve gotta go. I gotta say it man this is a nice setup. Too soon. Just kidding. Nissan sentra. J. D. Powers highest ranked compact car in initial quality. Now get 0 financing or a great lease on the nissan sentra. [ applause ] larry thats our show. I want to thank our panelist. A nice round of applause. Dont forget to check out facebook and stalk us on twitter and instagram to keep track of us online. Good night everyone. Its 11 59 and 59 secretary this happened on u. S. A. Today. Com today summer is here and its time for fun in the sun whether like grilling meats or building sand castles or just rupturing a few disks between your third and fourth lumbar vertebrae. That sounded almost as painful as the cameraman he emphysema. Can we just see that one mohr time please. Moving my bowel for freedom that was a pan. Pie balls are free from