[growling] not enough, huh . Maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up [wind gusting] i reach the gulf of mexico in no time and with all my strength, i drag cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came my trusty hero companions are there, still alive i return them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. Then its back down to seal up the hole created by the bp oil company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister. Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, mintberry crunch. No, no we worked as a team all the coon and friends stopped the bp drilling spill crisis and finally the evil coon is right where he belongs. Come on, you guys, this is [bleep] bullcrap. Let me out youre not going anywhere for a long time. This is inhumane theres a big bucket with butters poop in here, and theres nothing to eat you got poop, dont ya . Well, im off. There are still many more questions left unanswered. I need to know what happened to my parents. Well, come back and visit anytime, dude. I will shablagooo [bleep] mintberry [bleep] crunch. Wow can you believe it, kenny . Bradley actually had superpowers. Isnt that cool . Yeah. Im tired, guys. Think im gonna go to bed. [gunshot] oh, my god holy [bleep], dude kenny no no [screaming] what . What . Its happening again [peaceful music] [baby gurgling] we shouldve never gone to that stupid cult meeting. From comedy centrals world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. cheers and applause trevor welcome to the daily show, everybody thank you so much for tuning in thank you for coming out man, you feel amazing im trevor noah. Our guest tonight is one of the quirqueer eye fab five now out with a new book, antoni porowski is joining us, everybody also on tonights show, the big weekend in sports, a democrat whos getting real support, and President Trump is beefing with everyone. Alabama, might prepare yourself because the hurricane is totally coming back. Lets catch up on todays headlines. Lets kick it off wan update on that big College Cheating scandal. Tv star Felicity Huffman has now pled guilty to paying a service to fake her daughters test scores and prosecutors are asking the judge to throw the book at her. Trevor Felicity Huffman is scheduled to be sentenced next week for her role in the massive College Admissions scandal. Federal prosecutors are calling for huffman to serve one month in jail plus a 20,000 fine. Prosecutors say huffmans conduct was deliberate and manifestly criminal, writing to the judge, in the context of this case neither probation nor home confinement in a large home in the Hollywood Hills with an infinity pool would constitute meaningful punishment. laughter trevor yep, thats right the prosecutors dont want Felicity Huffman to be sentenced to house arrest because this is her house. laughter yeah, which is a good point. If my punishment was living in that house, i would be robbing banks every day. I would be just like, oh, i did it again laughter seriously, its not a punishment if it has a infinity pool. Thats just a fact. Now, if it was house arrest and it was a aboveground pool, that is different. Yeah, thats actually cruel and unusual punishment. Her lawyers would be, like, give her the electric chair, your honor, please. No human being should be forced to swim in tupperware while the neighbors watch, please. laughter honestly, im not sure what her punishment should be because i still say i think america sends too many people to prison, but, at the same time, you cant give someone like Felicity Huffman community service. Community is for, like, rich hollywood people, whats the service . Do you have to go to their house and cut Harvey Weinstein out of the photos they have with him . What do you do . Frankly, the whole idea of house arrest is weird as a concept. Doesnt work for rich people because who you supposed to beat the shit out of on your first day to assert yourself, the butler . House arrest doesnt work for home people, because youre just free. So its grate. Andrew yang is polling in sixth place. Wouldnt know it from the media coverage. He only rates 13th in cable news mentions which is why he has to get attention like this. A democratic president ial candidate is taking his campaign to new heights. Andrew yang does crowd surfing. The businessman turned 2020 candidate speaking at a forum organized by asian activist groups. When he was hoisted in the air, he twitted out, i havent crowd surfed in a while, yanggang trevor yeah for a politician, thats risky. So many people grabbing your ass. Thats a scandal waiting to happen. You have to get permission from every individual person. The slowest crowd surf ever, do you consent to my ass . Thank you, thank you. laughter now that i cant think has done it. Other candidates will try to be cool and crowd surf which is odd for bill de blasio who only has one supporter. laughter i have to hand it to andrew yang, hes not getting a ton of media coverage, so hes out there getting attention for himself, crowd surfing, playing basketball, doing the cupid shuffle. Only problem is andrew you realize you will have to keep escalating your stunts. At this rate in six months, hes going to have to go full tom cruise. My proposal of the freedom d. V. D. Would put 1,000 a month into the hands of every american adult, a game changer for millions of american families. laughter trevor i dont know why he flew spirit airlines. Anyway, moving to americas war on having a good time im sorry war on drugs. Customs agencies had a extra spice from delivery near a port new year san diego. 70,000 pounds of marijuana, worth 2 million, didnt fool the caninings. It was the second multimilliondollar shipment of pot intercepted there within the last few days. Trevor nearly four tons of weed were discovered being smuggled into the u. S. Signed of jalapenos and honestly im glad they caught it. I dont want dangerous substances being smuggled in with my weed. laughter although it would have been funny if they didnt catch some and then someone ate the weed and the jalapenos at the same time. It would be such a mix of emotions, gasping and laughing laughter moving on, being president is a pressurefilled job. Its important for the president s to find a way to let off steam. Obama played basketball. George w. Bush cleared brush on his ranch, lincoln liked going to the theater took his mind off things. audience reacts but when it comes too soon but when it comes to President Trump, his passion is beefing with his enemies. This weekend he was going at it hard. Lets catch up on who the president is beefing with now in another installment of donald j. Trump commander in beef. Im going to hit them back and if i give them a what can you think i could take this guy . Id like to punch him in the face. cheers and applause trevor first up in the controversy that just wont die, its President Trump versus the weather. Eight days after he incorrectly warned alabama that Hurricane Dorian was headed its way, trump is still insisting that he was right all along. After falsely warning that alabama remained threatened by Hurricane Dorian, President Trump spent the week digging in, displaying that map docketed with a sharpie posting eleven tweets over seven days insisting he was right. Even directing his Homeland Security and counterterrorism advisor to release a 225word statement. Mr. Trump said in a sweet i would like to very much stop referring to this ridiculous story but the lame stream media just wont let it alone. Trevor yes, according to his tweets trump wishes he could end this beef but he cant because, you see, every time he tweets the media reports on his tweets, and since he has to have the last oui word, he tweets to the response and they report on his response and it goes back and forth, like Nuclear Energy only a lot more stupid, okay . And you realize theres a chance this hurricane beef might never end, and i mean never. Like when trump is, like, 100 years old, he will be laying on his death bed surrounded by the people he loves and eric audience reacts and he will still be, like, i was right about alabama. laughter beeeeep and cnn will report on it and trump will come back from the dead i was right i told you i was right i was right laughter and, you know, it would be one thing if trump was obsessively tweeting about this hurricane for a week, but now hes dragging the rest of the government into his shit storm. Minutes ago the New York Times reported commerce secretary wilbur ross threatened to fire top employees at n. O. A. A. After its Bahama Office contradicted the president s claim dorian might strike alabama and that story broke after the Washington Post reported earlier that n. O. A. A. s chief scientist will investigate why the agency backed the president over its own experts on dorian. Trevor yes, it turns out President Trump is so embarrassed by his hurricane blunder that his administration threatened to fire any weather officials who wouldnt back up his alternative facts. And, guys, the n. O. A. A. Doesnt have time for this. Their job is to monitor hurricanes. They are distracted by trumps beefs. You realize what could happen we could have a giant backlog of hurricanes. laughter they cant come in because, without their hurricanes permits, theyre not allowed into the country, its a process, have to get their name, category, theyre waiting in line, hey, whats going on . Were trying to get in laughter like this whole thing. While the Weather Service is trying to deal with trumps hurricane beef, hes started another one. The president also sparked a beef with john legend and wife Chrissy Tiegen last night. It apparently happened after he watched an msnbc special with lester holt and john legend on efforts to fix the broken grj criminal justice system. He tweeted in part Musician John Legend and his filthy mouthed wife are talking about how great it is but i didnt see them around when we needed help getting it passed. John legend tweeted, plannia please praise this man, he needs you. Chrissy tiegen also responded, her tweet we cannot put on air due to its vulgarity. laughter trevor thats right, donald trump lashed out at john legend and Chrissy Tiegen because he feels like theyre taking credit for achieving criminal Justice Reform instead of giving him the praise. John legend and Chrissy Tiegen both hit back at the commander in tweet. You saw johns reply but Chrissy Tiegens response was too vulgar for the news to repeat. Luckily, were not the news. cheers and applause so here it is. Trump called her john legends filthymouthed wife, but because he didnt have the guts to tag her on twitter, Chrissy Tiegen called him a pussy ass bitch. laughter applause and to be honest, i dont know why the news cant say that on air. laughter its a wellknown medical condition. In which a bitchs ass is replaced by a pussy. And i think the more we talk about it in society the more we can destigmatize this serious disease. laughter so trumps beefing with the weather and his beefing with celebrities but theres one trump beef that might actually have major realworld consequences. A developing story out of washington this morning, President Trump revealing in a tweet that he had been planning a secret meeting with the taliban. Tonight the white house had hoped to surprise the world with the taliban at camp david signing a peace deal, as President Trump tweeted saturday night unbeannounced to almost everyone, the Major Taliban leaders and separately the president of afghanistan were going to secretly meet with me at camp david, but the president canceled the secret summit after thursdays suicide bombing at a kabul checkpoint. Trump said in his tweet that he immediately canceled the peace talks asking how many more decades are they willing to fight . Trevor this story is it wild. Over the weekend, trump tweeted out he was canceling a secret meet heg planned with the dale ban because they had launched an attack in afghanistan. And this came out of the blue because no one knew trump scheduled peace talks with the taliban. Trump is like your best friend telling you hes getting a divorce and youre, like, i didnt know you were married. Yeah, it didnt work out. She killed 11 people in afghanistan. It was crazy. They wanted to surprise to nation. The taliban was going to come to camp david. Surprise the worst surprise in the world. If youre confused, youre not alone. As far as we can stand, heres what they say happened. Over the past nine years, the u. S. Government has been trying to get a peace teal with the taliban to end the war in afghanistan, and the past few weeks it looked like that deal was close to happening, but when trump heard about this deal, he demanded that the taliban come to camp david in america to sign the deal with him on camera so that he would get the praise. But the cal ban didnt want to come to america, firstly because they dont trust the United States which i understand theyre, like, were not coming there and, secondly, because they probably dont want to deal with the t. S. A. Can you imagine how stressful that shits going to be for them . applause just going to come in as the taliban . You have to fill out the little forms, the guy at the t. S. A. Is going to be, like, what do you do for a living . Tim leader of the taliban. So youre a terrorist . Yes, but not for this trip, okay . Newt for this trip, this time im off the clock. laughter so the taliban refused to come to america and trump tweeted out, no, im breaking up with you guys, and, so, theres a possibility that the war in afghanistan will continue now because trump has put a photo opportunity above peace. Yeah. Which, according to web m. D. Is a classic symptom of a pussy ass bitch. Well be right back. cheers and applause [ growling ] [ gasping ] no way. [ screaming ] hes not dangerous. Hey boy or girl. Whoa [ belching ] youre definitely a boy. There are people looking for you. I will make sure you get home. [ screaming ] you can do magic . Blueberries . Do something. Ive got blueberries where blueberries should never be. [ laughing ] fruit of the loom coolhave vents for airflow, and to demonstrate the importance of vents we removed them to see what would happen. Excuse me. Hello . Keep answering your phones. Help were going for it fruit of the loom coolzone fly boxer briefs. Without vents, its hard to keep your cool. Tmobiles newest signal reaches farther than ever before. With more engineers. More towers. More coverage its a network that gives you freedom from big cities, to small towns, were with you. Because life can take you almost anywhere, tmobile is with you. No signal goes farther or is more reliable in keeping you connected. Hard work leaves a mark. It shows on your clothes. Grit, dirt, and every stain the job throws at you. New tide heavy duty. Designed for impossible stains. But there is so much more you want to do. New starbucks tripleshot energy. 225 mg of caffeine for the energy to do what matters to you. What gives you energy . cheers and applause trevor welcome back to the daily show. So this was a wig weekend in the world of sports which means its time for another edition of i apologize for talking while you were talking. cheers and applause oh, whats up, sports fans . Im Michael Kosta. My usual partner roy wood, jr. Is not with us. Hes getting his belly button enlarged. But its all good because im joined by my man with a normal belly button jaboukie. Are you ready to be a professional sports commentator . I actually dont know a lot about sports. Perfect tennis, this weekend was the final grand slam of the year and as usual it did not disappoint. Now that rafael nadal winning the title in a marathon match last night matching almost five hours, his 19th career grand slam. Then on saturday, 19yearold tennis phenom Bianca Andreescu beating Serena Williams in straight stoats win the womens title. She apologized to serena. It was kind of cute. I know you guys wanted serena to win, so im so sorry. audience reacts wow she won the u. S. Open then apologized for it. That has to be the most canadian thing ever. laughter thats more canadian than eating out of the stanley cup. It is serena. Shes a legend. If i was playing her, i would apologize every time i returned the ball. Sorry youre a queen i love you this wasnt even close, jaboukie. Serena was beat in straight sets. She got wrapped, packed and sent home to momma. What do you mean . This is a sportscaster thing, you exaggerate. She didnt just beat her, she grabbed her, stabbed her and cut her ~bleep head off. laughter well work on that. When one season comes to an end, another begins. The n. F. L. Is back. Opening weekend was a disaster for new york. The giants and the jets lost. So you did watch. No, i just assumed. laughter speaking of new york losing, one former giants player came back flashier than ever. Odell beckham made his debut with the Cleveland Browns yesterday but his flex has a lot of people talking. Fans noticed beckham was wearing a watch during aces actual game action, and a closer look we vealed it was a rism millie watch. Ive heard of it. Usa today reports its priced at 350,000 this dude wore a watch worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to play football. I dont feel comfortable wearing my good jeans if i eat spaghetti that night. And i eat spaghetti every night. Dude, your life sounds awful. laughter do other Football Players wear watches when they play . Contact sports dont allow it because its dangerous. Football, Baseball Players cant wear them because they check them the whole time. Heres what odell needs to learn. Odell, youve got to quit being flashy and focus on the team. Youre making the big bucks now