[cheers and applause] mr. Franken werent they great . I told james, who played bernie come up he has to start at a higher level and ramp it up. Wow. It is great to be here, isnt it, at politicon . People all over the ideological spectrum, left, right, farleft, farright, the nutcase left, the nutcase right, and there are even people here from nutcase middle. David brooks is here. [laughter] mr. Franken wrote another great column in the New York Times about how there arent enough americans like him, and it was very, very balance, i have to say. I know a lot of you might be wondering what i have been up to. Well, when i left the senate, i was going to give up my seat, but not my voice. Thank you. [applause] mr. Franken i have spent a lot of time thinking about how to do that, and how best to make a difference, so i have been spending the last few months going around the country, making speeches, about politics, health care. I have been raising money for organizations that do great things, like Trained Service dogs for veterans with ptsd, and i have a new show on sirius xm. That came out of my podcast, the al franken podcast, still going. I know that it sounds pathetic when you say i got a podcast. Because there are actually over 600,000 podcasts in the world today. In fact, at first, i love barbecue. I was going to do my podcast on barbecue, with an emphasis on brisket. And i learned there are now 12 podcasts on brisket, and eight of them are really, really good so instead, i have decided to do my podcast about issues, about the issues that matter to americans and our lives, because this is an Important Campaign coming up, and important election, the second most important election of our lifetime. The first one being the last one. And, in the last campaign, we did not hear much about issues. It was called the trump circus it was all the trump circus and Hillary Clintons emails, so instead i am doing a podcast which focuses on issues that affect everyones lives, on income inequality, health care, climate, immigration, because we need to focus on actual issues this time. Education, what could be more important . If we are going to be climate beat climate change, if we are going to improve health care delivery, we need an educated workforce. You know, not too many years ago, the United States was number one in the world in terms of percentage of our population that had graduated from college. Now we are number 12. And sinking. A few years ago, one committee, actually bernie was on that committee, we had a guy from the oecd, and my bernie isnt as good, but i work with bernie a lot, so bernie asked, i suppose this is about the cost of college here, one of the reasons that we are falling well, how much does it cost to go to college in say, germany . The guy says, well, in germany you go to college for free. How much does it cost in france . He goes, also in france you pay nothing to go to college. Well, how about sweden . In sweden, they pay you to go to college. [laughter] mr. Franken so, we have to do something about the cost of college. When i was in the senate from my staff would not let me do impressions of my colleagues. Is there anyone here from my staff . Good. Ok, so i met Chuck Grassley my first day in the senate, and we got on the subway sitting across from each other, and chuck said to me, you look like you look on tv. I said, well, there is a reason for that, but a lot of times people say i am shorter than i look on tv. He said, guess what they say about me . I said, that you are taller than you look on tv. He said, yeah, how did you know that . I said because you are taller than you look on tv. He said guess what else they say about me. I said you are friendlier than you seem on tv. Yeah, how did you know that . Well, it wouldnt hurt to smell smile when you are on camera everyone small. Normally what we are talking about is pretty serious. I said, you can smile at the beginning and when you are serious, just be serious and smile at the end. Oh, that is a good idea. This is, of course, politicon not issuecon, so i want to talk about some current politics. For example, how about that gang that invaded the capital skiff, huh . Has anyone ever been to a skiff, a sensitive compartmented information facility. Here evera skiff, a sensitive compartmented information facility . Cif is. What a s the one in the capital is where members of congress get a briefing, classified briefings, and you cant bring your cameras in there. You know why . Well, sometimes the briefers bring, oh, visual things like maps and very Sensitive Information you would not want our enemies to see or to hear, and if an idiot charges into the scif with a smart phone and takes a picture or video, then sends it to a friend, and the chances are very good that the friend is also in idiot, and the idiots friend then posts it on facebook, our enemies could actually figure stuff out. And who knows, maybe one of our intelligence assets could get outed and killed by the russians, which would make it in harder for us to recruit people overseas and keep americans like you safe. Isnt that a fun fact . You know how i know that . Because i was in the senate. I went to the scif a lot. And also i paid attention. If you paid attention and thought about it for even a minute, you would know that bringing a camera into the scif and taking pictures or video could jeopardize the lives of who knows how many people. I hope you find this interesting. So you want to hear a scif story . I will tell you a story about being in the scif. It is a funny story. Nothing is as exciting as unknowingly starting a chain of events that could lead to say, oh, the detonation of a Nuclear Device in nashville five minutes from now. [laughter] mr. Franken wouldnt that be dramatic, huh . And it could all be traced back to jim jordan running into the and making a video with his camera. Now, my story isnt anywhere near as exciting. It takes place in july, 2015. The p5 plus one and iran had just come to an agreement on the iran nuclear deal. The republicans were dead set against it, but president obama took the position that it was his right as president to make this deal, so we have the power to do this unilaterally and the republicans hated that. Agreed tond corker allow a vote, but the vote had to be a vote of disapproval, so the nos had to be 67 votes, and republicans were just pissed off about that. We go to the scif to hear from and ask questions of secretary of state kerry, the secretary of energy the secretary of the , treasury, and the guy who is head of iran for the cia, who i will simply call mr. Quimby. We are all there. The format of these briefings is they brief and we ask questions, so kerry opens up with a great 15 minute summary of everything. And it is pretty spectacular. And 15 minutes for kerry is about right. He sometimes goes on too long. This is really effective, and now the republicans are more pissed off, and mcconnell is pissed off. He is running this, he is the majority later at the time. He goes, we have a lot of senators so we will get right to the questions. [laughter] mr. Franken he has some marbles in his mouth, you probably dont know that. He kind of goes, could i just have five minutes . And you may know, before he was energy secretary, he was chairman of the Nuclear Physics department at m. I. T. , and he had negotiated the details of the agreement and gives a five minute summary of what he did that is just brilliant. Really pissed, so mcconnell starts calling on senators. You get called on in the order you arrived. They asked some questions, and these guys handle them, and they go right to the cia guy when they need to, and they are getting madder and madder. Because they are doing such a good job. Me and i am sitting there and i can feel the tension in the room. I think, it would be good to dissipate this a little bit, maybe i will try a joke. And i dont really have a great joke, but im just going to try it. You remember the Supreme Leader right after this had characterized the agreement differently than the p5 plus one and iran and negotiators had, and that can be an issue. I wanted to give them a chance to answer before it was asked by republicans, so i said, i have a question about the Supreme Leader, or as i call him, the supreme being. It deserved that response, but , for some the tension reason, the room explodes with laughter. The tension kind of disappears. For some stupid reason. So we finished, and you can leave whenever you want, and people leave often after they ask questions. As i am leaving, people are patting me on the back, that was a great joke. A senator asked me, can i use that joke in my state . I said, sure, go ahead. He says, why is it funny . I said because Supreme Leader is just an absurd title to americans, and the logical extension is that it is like supreme being. Oh, ok. I can tell that in my state . I go yeah. All day, i am getting that, this was great. So later, we have a vote, it is 5 00. I enter the chamber. Schumer sees me and comes right at me, goes, i told the president your joke. Supreme one. [laughter] and i said, no no no. Supreme being. He goes, thats right. Supreme being. I said but you told him supreme one. Yes. And he didnt laugh. No. And you told them it was my joke. Yes. [laughter] mr. Franken so that is my scif story. It is not as exciting as the Nuclear Explosion that jordan is going to cause. Now, the reason they charge in is that they are mad about impeachment. And that all these Civil Servants who serve our country overseas are talking, are testifying. They are testifying to republicans and democrats, but these guys decide to rush in with their cameras, and they are doing this because a majority of apparent majority of americans now favor impeachment. You know who must be pissed . Mueller. Mueller spent two and a half years investigating everything that russia did and every connection the trump people had and indicting the Campaign Manager and getting pleas from the National Security advisor and from the Deputy Campaign chairman and putting cohen into prison. And he writes a 450 page report and no one reads it. Except people whose job it is to read it. And no one cares. And trump has been spending the last three years saying i had nothing to do with any foreign interference in our elections. He spent three years trying to convince people and prove that, and then he calls the new president of ukraine and shakes him down with what the chief of staff calls basically says not basically, says is a quid pro quo. And trump does this with 12 people on the phone. Listening and taking notes. [laughter] wow, what an idiot. So now, he is going to be impeached. The majority of americans want him it is close down to a majority want him out. But a majority want him impeached. He is going to be impeached by the house and he is in shock. Trump is tweeting out insane stuff. He always has, but this stuff is, adam schiff should be tried for treason and executed. We are going to have a civil war. And that will never end. It will never be resolved. I have one piece of advice for the joint chiefs of staff, and i hope this gets to them. Now is not the time to take the Nuclear Codes away from trump. Now is the time to give him the wrong code. [laughter and applause] mr. Franken and if he just melts down and calls for the football and punches in the wrong code, the guy with the football should just escort him president s bomb shelter, which we should preequipped with freezers full of big macs, and say mr. President , just stay here and then, he comes back a couple days later in a hazmat suit and he says, mr. President , good news. We won the war. China and russia, everyone dead. Everyone dead. Im not saying we didnt take it on the chin a little, but there are still people alive in muncie , moline, and in spokane. They are living. Sir, it would be best if you just stayed here for a number of months. And just let him sit there for another week or two, then come and have him arrested for attempted murder of 7 billion people. Thats all im saying. [laughter and applause] mr. Franken this is going to happen. I want to tell you a little bit about myself. I was born in 1951. My dad was a printing salesman. My mom had the job of raising me and my brother, who is five years older than me. Owen and i shared a bedroom in a twobedroom, one bath house in st. Louis park, a suburb of minneapolis. I grew up middleclass at the height of the middleclass in the 1950s. Growing up in st. Louis park, i felt like the luckiest kid in the world, and i was. This is an optimistic time. This is postworld war ii america. When almost everyone was very antinazi. If you were a nazi in postworld war ii america, you just kept that to yourself. [laughter] mr. Franken st. Louis park was sometimes called saint jewish park because we were about 20 jewish. Now that is a lot of jews. In minnesota, that is a shtetl. Actually, any jews is a lot of jews in minnesota. In fact, that used to be our license plate. [laughter] mr. Franken tom friedman grew up in st. Louis park. The Cohen Brothers grew up in st. Louis park. A lot of Cohen Brothers grew up in st. Louis park. [laughter] mr. Franken the first momentous event i remember was sputnik. The soviets had launched the first satellite into orbit in 1957. This just freaked america out. The soviets were ahead of us in space and they had nuclear weapons. So my parents marched me and my brother into the living room, sat us down and said, you boys are going to study math and science so we can beat the soviets. And i thought that was a lot of pressure to put on a sixyearold. [laughter] mr. Franken but, we were obedient sons, so we studied math and science. We were good at it. My brother was first in our family to go to college. He went to m. I. T. , majored in physics, and became a photographer. [laughter] mr. Franken thats my brother. I went to harvard and became a comedian. [laughter] mr. Franken but, we beat the soviets, so you are welcome. [laughter and applause] mr. Franken thank you. A couple good things came out of my time in college. First of all, i get to tell people that i went to harvard. Almost as good is i met my wife the first week of school at a mixer in downtown boston, that was 50 years ago september 19, and we have been married now 44 years, many of them happy. [laughter and applause] mr. Franken frannie grew up very differently than me. When she was 18 months old, her father, a decorated world war ii vet, died in a car accident coming back from the paper mill where he worked. Frannie was 18 months old, she was not the youngest. There was one younger. Bootsie, three months old. My motherinlaw was widowed at age 29 with five kids. Age seven years to three months old. They survived on Social Security survivor benefits. Sometimes, it was not enough for food. Sometimes, they didnt have enough for heating oil. This was in portland, maine. Sometimes, the phone was off, but they made it. My motherinlaw, when the youngest went to school, my motherinlaw worked at the supermarket in the produce department. Went to hightsie school, my motherinlaw got a 300 g. I. Loan to go to the university of maine. She got three more loans and graduated. She became in Elementary School teacher. [applause] mr. Franken and because she was teaching title i kids, all her loans were forgiven. All the girls including my wife went to college and graduated. With combinations of pell grants and scholarships. My brotherinlaw went into the coast guard, where he became an electrical engineer. Every member of frannies family made it into the middle class. Now, they tell you in this country to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. But first you have to have the boots. And the government gave my wifes family the boots and that is why i am a democrat. [applause] mr. Franken that is why i am a democrat. [shouting] mr. Franken oh, dont go. [laughter] ok, it is a serious accusation and i take it seriously. Believe me. I think they want to go ahead with the show and it is ok if you leave. So, about three months into my freshman year, i had a crisis. Basically, i was on the math science track and i kind of figured out i wasnt that interested in math and science. Frannie suggested i go to the Counselors Office and get help. So they had me take a test. What it was was it was the minnesota multiphasic personality inventory. I know this because a couple years ago i did a Google Search on the only statement that i remember, and it was i have never had any black and tarry bowel movements. [laughter] mr. Franken all the top Google Search results said exactly the same thing, which is that of the 504 statements from the minnesota multiphasic, the only Statement People who took the test remember decades later is i have never had any black and tarry bowel movements. Now i know what you want to know. But i dont remember how i answered it. I do remember my results very distinctly. Of the hundreds of careers listed, scientist was last. Dead last. Number one was jazz musician. [laughter] mr. Franken i did not play an instrument. Number two was camp counselor. Comedian was not considered a job or a career by the minnesota multiphasic people, and i looked at these results and said, that is telling me i should be a comedian. Because thats what i wanted to be. Years later, dana carvey said, no one should be a comedian unless they have to be a comedian. And i just had to be, because i think the thing i love most in my childhood was sitting in our tv room in st. Louis park with my family and watching comedy. Especially with my dad. And he loved comedy. Now my dad inhaled a pipe for over 50 years. He stopped when he got emphysema. He loved comedy. He especially loved the tonight show and he loved buddy hackett. And when my dad got on a laughing jag, he would end up coughing and he would end up coughing up phlegm. So if johnny would say ladies and gentlemen, mr. Buddy hackett, my mom would get up and walk out of the room. But i didnt mind the phlegm at all. I met i dont know how many people remember franken and davis but i met tom davis in high school. That is something. Frank and davis started doing stand up this theater. It was like a second city. It was like third city. Once i went off to college, tom and i would do a twoman show six nights a week and get paid to do it at this place. Between my junior and senior year, at the end