his birthday, i think somehow i changed the kind of configuration of things. >> i lost my father when i was very little and i found it very hard to -- for some reason i focused on the day he died. in subsequent years, that day i would always think about -- rather than his birthday. and i'm not sure why that is. i don't think it's a good thing. i sort of wish -- >> i don't know if it's a good thing or bad thing. it's a human thing to think about that. but if i had -- if i hadn't changed the configuration of my emotion about it, i wouldn't be here. you know, i survived because i tried to think of the positive of the world. and you know, to think that everything's -- i survived. i felt so bad, one day i looked at the mirror and i was going like this. i thought, this is not going to do. you know? and i -- especially with sean.