he paced this room for nearly an hour. finally shrieking i got it and slumping down in a chair. >> wiped tears from his eyes and said, wendell, this was a decision so complex, so far reaching from so many pitfalls, and still filled with so much good, if it was right. i had to work it out in this room and with you, and i had to ask god about it. >> reporter: to protect ricky's privacy, the pastor told only his wife who wrote a five-page essay we recently found in an archive. the pastor's wife said she wrote the essay which appeared in the church bulletin with little notice an ricky's death in 1965 so that robinson would know how much ricky struggled with it. but robinson died young in 1972. and his widow rachel told us the story never made it to her family until now. and she praised rixy's courage. >> he needed all the strength he