Im very close. And now, like the mcrib, im back. It is weird being back in an office after six months. Were being very careful. They divided the office into zones. We have zone a, zone b and zone c. Im not sure if im hosting a show or boarding a Southwest Airlines flight. Everyone is Wearing Masks and those clear plastic face shields. Everyone looks like theyre in a daft punk cover band. We have a small crew here in our studio. I need you guys to laugh, even if its not funny. Dnchlths i said i need you guys. This must be what kim jong un feels like. Is he still alive . Or did he go when we were gone . Remind me to call and check in on him. We have everything we need to do a show. Except, for my little mustachioed angel. Where is guillermo . Isnt he supposed to be here . All right, thats enough. All right. Anyway, good to see you. I miss you. I really did. How are you doing . Im doing great, jimmy. Guillermo, whos happier that youre back to work, you or your wife . My wife. All right, well, you know, i dont know if you, did you watch, i hosted the emmys last night. Yeah, you did a wonderful job. Thank you. Did you see that lakers game last night . Yes. Wait a minute, how did you see the lakers game if i was hosting the maniys . I tivoed the emmys and i was watching the lakers. I hosted the virtual emmys last night. Theyre saying it was the highestrated emmys ever. The lowest . Lets just put it this way, we set a record. We had a lot of fun, given the difficult circumstances. The weirdest part of hosting this year was when it was over, there are usually parties, and everyone is carrying their emmys around, and celebrating. This year, the show ended, and it was like well, i guess ill go to my car and drive home. The big winners last night were Schitts Creek, watchmen, and the seahawks, i think. Just like this, we had no audience, so i had to figure out how to do a monologue in front of no one. So what we did, if you missed it, we took Audience Reactions from old monologues and made it seem like we had a big audience full of celebrities, clapping and laughing at new jokes. And then we pulled the curtain back and revealed there was no one there. But while it was happening, we fooled a lot of people. Who thought i was on stage who wasted no time denouncing us. jiommykimmel wtf . it may be that the presenters arent live but so far it looks like the audience is. What the hell is going on with you kimmel . No social distancing . No masks . Youre as guilty as trump now for fomenting death. A pox on you and goodbye forever. Stupid heres another one. So no masks or social distancing at the emmys tonight . . Wtf . . Are hollywoods special people immune against covid19 . . . Or will the virus look at these special people and choose not to infect them . Double standards. Guess that is trump fault too. And this i cant believe jimmykimmel and the hollywood elitists think rules dont apply to them. A full audience . No masks . Theres a pandemic the envelope sanitizing bit was hilarious btw. Well, thank you. Sorry to have caused any consternation. Doing an awards show, where all the winners were at home, was a strange experience. It was probably the first time in history that someone won an emmy, and then, ten minutes later put a load of laundry in the dryer. But we did learn a lot from seeing the winners at home. For instance jimmy Jeremy Strong has been haunting a sears portrait studio. We saw julia garner from ozark, almost forget to thank her husband, even though he was six inches away in a silk bathrobe. We learned where the cast of Schitts Creek eats dinner before their very polite sex parties. Jimmy we learned that the winner of best director lives in a room at the marriott. And we learned that the only person sociallydistancing in zendayas house, was zendaya. We also raised 2. 8 million, to support no kid hungry. So it was a big positive overall. The weekend itself, got off to a very dark start. Supreme Court JusticeRuth Bader Ginsburg passed away friday. And the host of Celebrity Apprentice wants to be the one to replace her. In an absolute, typhoon of hypocrisy, republicans who 293 days before the end of obamas term said it was too late to nominate a new justice. Now want to confirm one before an election that is 43 days away. Trump is expected to announce his pick on friday or saturday, and hes doing a surprising amount of research into who that pick should be. Would you rather have a woman, or the Supreme Court, yes, woman . Yes . Tom tillis says yes. So would you rather have a woman, or would you rather have a man on the Supreme Court . Okay, what about a squirrel . Who would like a squirrel on the Supreme Court . Now were doing supreme Court Justice gender reveals. Trump says hes leaning towards choosing a female judge. And pay special attention to his hands here, as he says it smsh were to if somebody were to ask me now, i would say that a woman would be in first place. Yes. Jimmy who does that . His mouth is always lying, but his little hands tell the truth. Look at this. This was from one of those Covid Task Force briefings he used to do. The professionals did the models, i was never involved in a model, but at least this kind of a model. He hears himself saying model and he goes oooh. The only donald trump could get horny talking about the coronavirus. The woman who is considered to be the early frontrunner for the nomination is from new orleans, and she seems like an interesting choice. I am not antifa, im not a sex slave that wears masks. Im not in to bond acknowledge. Maam this is a pta meeting. I dont know what that has to do with anything. I have to say, while i was on vacation, i enjoyed not keeping up with the minute by minute lunacy coming out of the white house every day. But i kept a little tally. This is just some of what he did during my summer vacation. June 17 the president claims he made juneteenth famous. June 18 said he planned to give kim jong un a cd of rocketman. June 20 told administration to slow down virus testing. Accused obama of treason. Claimed we have hydrosonic missiles called super dupers. Okay with russian bounties on american soldiers. Retweets supporter shouting white power hosts 4th of july party no masks. Attacks nascar for banning confederate flag. Seence, considedelling puerto rico. July 10 claims he aced dementia test. Claims obama played more golf than him. July 14 niece says he paid someone to take his sats. July 15 endorses beans. July 28 retweets doctor who believes in demons. July 31 threatens to ban tiktok. August 4 calls yosemite yosemite. August 6 calls thailand thighland. August 8 aide asks about adding trump to mt. Rushmore. August 13 sabotages the postal service. Promotes virus cure from mypillow guy. August 18 girl scouts announce new french toastinspired cookie. August 22 ordered to pay Stormy Daniels legal fees. August 23 tweets, happy sunday we want god augus 31 compares Police Shootings to missed golf putts. September 2 encourages supporters to vote twice. We learn he called fallen american soldiers losers and suckers. Confirmed by fox news reporter. September 4 attacks the fox news reporter. Okay with putin poisoning opponent. September 8 former lawyer says he went to a Golden Shower sex club. September 15 falsely denies downplaying virus, falsely claims he supports coverage for preexisting conditions, and that he rebuilt the military, and that he opposed the iraq war. Claims virus will go away because well develop a herd mentality. September 16 kanye pees on a grammy. September 20 retweets appreciation that fartingsound is trending. And tells a crowd in North Carolina that joe biden injects performance enhancing drugs in the jimmy, thank you, jimmy, great job. Jimmy and here we are today, back to work. Today, by the way, is International Peace day. And how better to celebrate, than with a nobel prize edition of drunk donald trump . I got the Nobel Peace Prize nomination, a peace prize nobel nomination. They are wearing mega masks. Jimmy and one more thing. While i was off, finding myself and exploring my body, a number of very talented people, filled in for me as host of this show, which i appreciate greatly. Many of them had never hosted a show before, but they did it. They delivered monologues, interviewed guests. They put in a lot of work, so that i could get two flat tires on a winnebago with my family. And not only did they host the show, afterwards, they signed a book for me, and i thought you might enjoy if i shared what they wrote. Be our best dear jimmy, by the time you read had this, i will be long gone. Im just kidding, i moved in. Whats for lunch. Dear jimmy, thanks for let are me take over the show, you had a good run sir. But now its kw live. Thank you for letting me host, jimmy, it was a highlight of my career. Im kidding of course, i have an egot, its Like Community service for me. Love john. Had this book is such a fun idea. I hope some day you learn how to read it. Thanks for letting me guest host, it was so fun. And let me be clear i only did it for fun. I have so much will and grace money i never have to work again. Do not air this, it probably sounds tone deaf. Love you, sean. Dear james cordon. Thank you. I love doing your top ten. Dearest jimmy, i left soup warming for you on the stove, although im writing it in july, if you eat it, you will die, eliza. From one icon to another, just wanted to say, thanks for having me. Billy. This is a dream come true, not a good dream. E of the dreams y ecstasy. Thank you again for paying me in cash, you are paying in cash, right . We had a deal. Dont punk out on me now. So much fun staying here and hosting. Could we get some nicer pillows. I thought you were i am hosting a show in hollywood while you are out fishing in the country, what kind of freaky friday is this . Per your request, i did not touch your 15 foot poster of rkelly. Making me do your job, and then sign d its a real White Privilege jimmy, had a great time, the white house reached out and informed me, it was the biggest Television Audience of all time. Sincerely sara cooper. Thank you for the bravery you have shown by allowing two mexicans to be on your show at once. Dear jimmy, i know you are not going to read this, so, i will just write gibberish, pizza, robot, tuxedo donkey fart. Jimmy, i left you a surprise, wink. In the cabinet, wink. The reason im winking is because the surprise, wink, is marijuana. Its good too. You going to be high tonight. Dear, jimmy glad you had time to rest are, and i hope your breast reduction surgery went well. Love. Dearest jimmy, you told me i was the only one hosting this show. For all of these other people in the book. Jimmy, hope you had a nice relaxing summer and got a well deserved chance to reach out and find yourself. Get back to work, you lazy love sam. Thanks to each and every one of our guest hosts this summer. Tonight on the show, we have music from the chicks, and well be right back with Charles Barkley. Smooth driving pays off with allstate the safer you drive the more you save youve never been in better hands allstate click or call for a quote today there are memberships for all kinds of things today. But what about being a member of the family . What about being a member of the community . What about being a member of humanity . What if there was a membership that gave us the time to celebrate the things that connect all of us . When you order a hotandjuicy quarter pounder. A normal amount of napkins, just wont do. Ba da ba ba ba jimmy welcome back. This is our first show back in the studio after six months. And we decided to change things up. We gave the set a retro feel. We figured maybe it would feel like any year but this one. I do want to mention, and wish a happy birthday tonight, to one of the greatest men of all. Bill murray, turns 70 today, and even though i know without a doubt that he is not watching. I want to wish him well because i love him. So happy birthday bill. Tonight, their album is called gaslighter. We have music and conversation with the chicks. Remotely of course. Tomorrow night, fresh off their historic, zambonilike sweep of the emmys, the cast of Schitts Creek, catherine ohara, eugene levy, dan levy, and annie murphy will be with us, along with tenacious d. And later this week, we keep it going with riz ahmed, Norman Reedus and tim mcgraw. Please join us for all of that. Our first guest is one of the funniest men on tv, and hes not even on a comedy show. He is covering the western conference finals on inside the nba for tnt. Please welcome, nba halloffamer, sir Charles Barkley. Hi, charles. Whats up, jimmy . How are you . Man, im doing good. Welcome back off of vacation. Thanks, you know i love you and i really was happy that you agreed to be my first guest back to help ease me back in to this, so thank you very much. Hey, listen, so you were fly fishing, huh . I did go fly fishing, i know you like to fish, do you fly fish . I have never been fly fishing. You have to teach me how to fly fish. I would love to do that, just the two of us in a boat alone, would be something very special. No. No. No. We are not going a boat together, brother. No. Then the deals off, i dont know what to do. We can wade, i guess we can wade. You know what . Im always up to learning new things. I have seen fly fishing. I have heard about it, i know im allowed to keep my feet on land. I like lakes and ponds, but i have so much respect for you, i will go, is it called wading . Yeah, wading, yeah, yeah. Why cant they call it walking in water . I dont know no, seriously. They dont want to confuse it with jesus, i think is what it is. So, charles, did you the Football Game tonight, you know the raiders are playing in vegas now, and im curious, as to, as an agent right, what would it have been like if you had played in las vegas, if your home games were there, would that have worked . It would have worked for me. It would have been a lot of fun. You know, jimmy, listen, i love to gamble. And it would have been awesome for me, i think, you know, its different depending on the sport you play. Because, you know, Football Players go to work every day and they are for like hours. Like in basketball, we are off until the next night. So, it probably would have been really strange. Yeah. I would have lost a lot of money, i would have had a lot of drunk nights. Did you, if your travels to vegas, i know you enjoy las vegas, did you go to shows . Did you go see the big shows or were you in the casino the whole time . You know, jimmy for the last 30 years, longer than that, going to vegas, every time i go, i say im going to go see a show. And 35 years later, i have never been to a show. I get stuck at the black jack table or the roulette wheel. You, i bet you have had some what was the best time you had in vegas, anything pop in your mind . Oh, i had the patriots one year, when seattle ran that stupid pass from the one yard line instead of giving the ball to place to watch a super bowl. So, that is probably what i thought was over for me, and the guy called that awful play and threw the interception at the one yard line. That was probably my favorite trip to vegas. Really . Why . Did you have money on the patriots . I had money on the patriots. You did . Thats all football is good for is betting. Have you ever called pete carol to thank him for that call . I have not. You know, but jimmy, football is my favorite sport, you have to be a real man to play the sport. You have to have the courage to play the sport. But every sunday im in front of the television with my bookie. Can you say your bookies name, just the first name . Oh, no, no, they got they will track people down. You cant do that, jimmy, on national television, man. Im not trying to get anybody busted. Are you in the bubble right now, charles . I know you are not in orlando, are you like staying home, not going anywhere, following the rules . Yeah, it sucks, jimmy, i will be so glad when the playoffs are over, man. Its been hell, i have been stuck in the atlanta bubble for two months now. And my life sucks right now. I will be so glad when the next two weeks are over. Its been awful. Now, when he was play iing ke bryant said that he loved playing away games because he fed off of the negative energy from the opposing crowd, does you feel the same way . There was only a couple of people that were jackasses to me really. And first of all, kobe should number one, rest in peace to one of the greatest to ever do it. Yes. But listen, you know, when they booing you on the road, its a sign of respect and admiration because they dont boo the other guys on the team who cant play, they only boo the stars. So if they are booing you as a star, you should take that as a real badge of courage. Because, hey, they dont boo the guys on the bench. They only boo the stars. So, thats actually a great compliment. Theres a famous heckler, the guys name was robin something, you know who im talking about . Yeah, robin ficker, he was actually, i had a lot of respect for him. Because he never cursed, and he knew everything about every player. And i had made the mistake, not a mistake, but i had made a mistake of writing a couple of books when i played, and he stand back there saying, you can Charles Barkley said on page 72, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the whole bench is laughing. The coach is laughing. He was really, he was really funny. He was a good heckler, im not going to lie. Is it true that you flew him to phoenix for the purpose to have him heckle Michael Jordan . Well, two things, number one, no. No, okay. But secondly, if you know Michael Jordan, you dont want to piss him off. Yeah, you dont want to piss michael off. I used to tell our fans, shh, shh, dont upset this guy, he doesnt need any more motivation. Your first nab teba team, th sixers honored you with a statue. Im curious if you get any say in what the statue looks like . Well, i have been very fortunate to get two statues, one with the sixers and one with my college at auburn. I say make it skinny. Thats all i got to sa