[ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, that was uncomfortable. [ laughter ] everybody, thank you for joining in tonight. Im jimmy, im the host. Im the captain of the dance team here at the show. For the first time in about four years, its looking like theres no need to feel down. Ding dong the witch hunt is almost dead. [ laughter ] the winged monkeys are about to fly out of the white house. The cowardly liars hitting the yellow brick road. I would not want to be Donald Trumps my pillow tonight. He is liable to chew right through that thing. What a day for the president. Pennsylvania, georgia turned out to be bluer than Mitch Mcconnells hands. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the presumptive president elect, joe biden, addressed the nation tonight. This is unprecedented. A spokesperson for joe biden said the United States government is perfectly capable of escorting trespassers out of the white house. [ laughter ] in other words, hit the road, maralago, youre gone [ cheers and applause ] thats right. Imagine if he got charged with trespassing on top of Everything Else. In the event that trump does have to be removed from the white house, this is how theyll do it. The biggest crane youve ever seen. Jimmy they go after the roof. Were doing incredible oh, i can see my own hotel jimmy through i do go, the end is near. Theyre still tallying votes in a few states. The results are not looking good for kanye west, thats for sure. [ laughter ] or for his friend donald. What i want to know is why is this taking so long . This is longer than we had to wait between seasons of game of thrones. [ laughter ] what went on with nevada . Even florida was able to get their votes counted on time. Their state bird is a lizard. [ laughter ] nevada is the only place in the world where it takes six days to count 60,000 votes, 2 seconds to lose 50,000, its ridiculous. [ laughter ] how about alaska . They still havent finished counting. How many votes could there be . Couldnt they just ask for a show of mittens . [ laughter ] we have robots mopping our floors, but were still counting votes like were picking a prom queen in high school. The silver lining, though, of having to wait this long is its been very, very good for wolf blitzers fitbit. John, you fixed that map for us. Were watching it closely. This is still a nail biter. Got a lot going on. You got to look at all these battleground states and give us a sense of the latest. Were looking at the suburbs in kentucky, john. Its pretty significant, whats going on. You know, florida and georgia, two very critically important states. Were looking at at all these races. 89 right now. Very, very early but totally expected. Big picture where we are right now. Wisconsin a little while ago. Lots of excitement going on. Lets take a look at the big picture. Lets go back to john king over at the magic wall. [ laughter ] jimmy the wolf is on the hunt. John king has been fondling that wall for 72 hours straight. Like hands on a hard body without the truck. [ laughter ] the writing is on that wall and mexico still refuses to pay for it. But abrascam lincoln is not going to go quietly. Hes moving on a second term like a bitch. Theyre saying trump is carrying on business as usual as if he won the election. Hes continuing to fire people, watching tv, ignore people, and watch tv. Fox news has put out a memo instructing their anchors not to call joe biden president elect even after the Network Calls the race for biden. Which, i dont know, im planning to do the opposite. Im not even going to call him former President Trump. I dont want to be reminds of any of this. I will be calling him former pizza hut spokesman donald trump, or future reverse mortgage spokesman donald trump. [ laughter ] trump and his minions continue to claim he was robbed. You know, when he plays golf on the scorecard he just writes down any number he wants and he cant understand why they wont let him do that for this. Its nuts. Apparently these people were totally unprepare fd for losing why i dont know, everybody else was very prepared for them losing. I get that hes upset and wants to take us all down with him, i just dont understand why anyone else would go along with that. Its like were all on the bus from speed and half the passengers voted against keanu reeves, it makes no sense. Part of the reason why this is so hard for donald trump to swallow is because he went around telling everyone how easy it will be to beat joe biden. Im running against the single worst candidate in the history of president ial politics, and you know what that does that puts more pressure on me. Can you imagine if you lose to a guy like this . [ laughter ] jimmy imagine it . Ive been touching myself to it for a month now. [ laughter ] fortunately we dont have to imagine it. Matter of fact, i say we impeach him again just for old times sake before he leaves. [ cheers and applause ] a handful of prominent republicans have begun to distance themselves from trumps plan to squat the government, including mitch mcconnell, who tweeted, heres how this must work in our great country. Every legal vote should be counted. Any illegally submitted ballots must not. All sides must get to observe the the process and the courts are here to apply the laws and decide disputes. Thats how americans vote. Decide the vote. Trump got a shoutout from his pal, mitt romney, who wrote, the president is within his rights to request recounts, blah, blah, blah, he is wrong to say the election is rigged, corrupt, and stolen. Doing so damages the cause of freedom here and around the world, weakens the institutions that lie at the foundation of the republic, and recklessly inflames destructive and dangerous passions. Thats the closest mitt romney gets to writing porn. [ laughter ] but its right. And whats going on is wrong. Trumps stupid sons keep tweeting stupid things. Totally irresponsible things. They know this election wasnt rigged. For those who keep saying the democrats cheated, i want to remind you that in order to prevent people other than him from voting by mail, donald trump had the post office uproot mailboxes, okay . Heat hes embarrassed and desperate and heres the thing. Losing is never fun, especially for a guy like donald trump. But he did say wed get tired of all the winning, and look, he was right, we did. [ laughter ] i think donald trump needs to look at the bright side. Millions of people voted for him, tens of millions of people, he finished second, he got the silver medal. [ laughter ] its not so bad being number two, its pretty good. Ivankas your number two kid, we know shes your favorite. Clay aiken was number two. Justin guarini was number two. When was is last time you took a test and they required a number 1 pencil . Never. Alexander hamilton came in second in a duel. He went on to star in a major broadway musical. [ laughter ] there are a million great number twos. Barney rubble. Mashed potatoes. Chong. Tonto. Oats. Ever here of r2d1 . Of course not. Embrace it, youre number two. Youre a teaming pile of number two, and you should be happy about that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] guillermo thats right, jimmy. Uno, dos. Jimmy is that what it is . Spanish . I didnt know. [ laughter ] theres a lot of nonsense going on. Protests outside ballot counting centers, bomb threats, altered videos. I guess the idea is that this is part of a widespread conspiracy by the democrats to steal the presidency. But if this was a democrat conspiracy, it wouldnt have included six more years of mitch mcconnell. Theres one string going around right now that republican votes were not being counted for people who filled their ballots in with a sharpie. And thats true. Theyre saying dead people voted. Theyre saying the ballots had some kind of secret watermark on them. Im sure there are many of these crackpot theorys to come. It makes me wonder, who comes up with them . Someones thinking of that stuff. It just doesnt appear out of thin air. We looked into it. Turns out theres a guy who works for the white house whose job, hes in charge of conspiracies. His name is eric stennorwalt and hes with us right now. Hello, eric. [ applause ] hi hey, jimmy. Should i say jimmy. Jimmy no, you should just say jimmy. Im jimmy. Regular jimmy. Oh, yeah . Are you really jimmy . Or are you a hyperrealistic, threedimensional hologram created by the gay illuminati . [ laughter ] jimmy no, im just jimmy. Even if there was a gay illuminati, why would they make a hologram of me . What good would that do . Yeah, i dont know. Im just ripping. Just coming up with stuff. But theres something there. Hang on, let me write that down. Gay hologram jimmy. I dont hate it. Jimmy listen, eric, you are the one who comes up with these, shall we say, colorful conspiracy theories . Well, not as much as i used to, actually. Because im the head guy now. I dont get to write as much. Which really sucks because my staff is giving me a bunch of crap. Jimmy well, why are they giving you crap . You know these millennials. Theyre so lazy. Jimmy oh, that kind of crap. Yeah, look at this one here. This one just got sent to me today. Mailiens what am i supposed to do with this . Jimmy outlandish. First of all, nectarines are a stone fruit, they are out of season. Number two, how do you put your testicles into a nectarine . [ laughter ] jimmy two very good points. But youre working on these things all day long, constantly. I am. Every once in a while ill have an idea, i try and keep my hand in. Check this out. Did you know that see this name right here . You recognize that name . Jimmy yes. If you mix up and rearrange the letters of joe bidens name, you get something that is going to amaze you. Jimmy okay. It spells i boned ej. Jimmy okay. So whos ej . Whos ej . Ej, elton john jimmy oh. Rocket man . Kim jongun . Jimmy oh, its right there in front of our eyes, i boned ej jimmy oh, yeah. Couldnt be more obvious. Jimmy eric, are you ever ashamed of yourself, to be spreading this stuff . Listen, i started qanon out of my garage with none but an old dell laptop, a wayfair cabinet full of kids, and two crankedup paranoid schizophrenics. And now, jimmy, its a thriving online family with millions of men and women trading antisemitic memes, going through tom hanks garbage. Its really quite beautiful, a community. Jimmy yeah, but its a community of lies. Youre spreading lies about people. Oh, come on, stop it. What is a lie . A lie is just a truth that you dont believe. [ laughter ] jimmy what . Uh yeah, that doesnt make any sense. But thats okay. Well does maybe something that doesnt make sense is something that does make sense that you havent made sense of yet. [ laughter ] jimmy okay, i guess. Besides, the libs are doing exactly the same thing all the time. Like what about this story about putin engaging in a massive Disinformation Campaign to elect trump . Come on. Jimmy well, that happened, you know. Trumps own intelligence agencies uncovered that. That did happen. Pffft sure, okay. Jimmy oh. Well, all right, then. What about this thing about how the rightwing militants are plotting to kidnap the governor of wisconsin . Jimmy well, it was not wisconsin, it was michigan. I think the fbi arrested six people for that. Oh . Did you see the fbi arrest them . Jimmy no, but i read that they no, you didnt, right . Jimmy no. How did you know they did . As a matter of fact, how do you know there is an fbi . You know what happens when you rearrange the letters in fbi . Jimmy no, i dont. Spent the weekend trying to work this one out, check this out. Jimmy okay. It becomes fib jimmy oh. It spells fib jimmy yes, i know it does, yeah. Theres really only one option there, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know it now. I explained it to you. Jimmy yeah, well what about the secret republican plot to take away Peoples HealthCare Coverage . Who came up with that one . Jimmy thats not a secret plot, theyre arguing that before the Supreme Court next week. Oh, jimmy. Poor, gullible, cant get an erection without 5g jimmy. [ laughter ] dont you understand . Jimmy i guess not. And i dont no i dont understand. It doesnt matter if the conspiracy is true. Like isnt the world just a little more interesting place if there are two melanias . I think it is. Jimmy there arent melanias, its ridiculous. Of course there arent two melanias. There are 200 of her are [ laughter ] clump is building a army of melanias in his secret bunkers under his country club. Thats why hes always golfing. Jimmy there are 200 melanias . Thats right, and none of them will [ bleep ] him. [ laughter and applause ] jimmy wow, that i find a little easier to believe not one of them. Not one. Jimmy but why thats okay, because the president s plan is to unleash them to conquer the world. Jimmy oh. The only person who could have stopped him was the real james bond. Jimmy oh, what, sean connery . He had to be taken care of. Jimmy oh my god. Yeah, true. Jimmy i hope thats not true. Its oh, its absolutely true. And it was easy. But i said too much. [ laughter ] ive said way too much. Jimmy yeah. I should go. I got to get this voter fraud conspiracy thing done in time for fox friends tomorrow. Jimmy oh, youre working with fox friends, thats exciting. Oh, yeah, check this out. Do you know what you get when you rearrange the name steve doocy . Jimmy i do not. Decoys vote jimmy oh my god. Sometimes i even scare myself jimmy okay, thank you, eric stettorwalt, thank you very much. We have a good show. From abc news, George Stephanopoulos is with us. We have music from why dont we. And be right back with Charlie Hunnam vo command hooks are easy to apply and remove cleanly so you can go all out this holiday. Command. Do. No harm. Time to make your disappointing breakfast your exfast. Cause wendys has your new breakfast love with a freshcracked egg on every sandwich and crispy oven baked bacon. Youll be telling everybody about the new breakfast youre seeing at wendys. Hurry in for the breakfast of your dreams today. My job is to help new homeowners who have turned into their parents. Im having a big lunch and then just a snack for dinner. So were using a speakerphone in the store. Is that a good idea . One of the ways i do that is to get them out of the home. Youre looking for a grout brush, this is garth, did he ask for your help . No, no. No. We all see it. We all see it. 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Always go for 100. Bring out the bold™ [ cheers and applause ] welcome back. Tonight from the abc news, gma, had covid, lived to tell the tale, George Stephanopoulos is with us to tell us whats happening. [ cheers and applause ] later on, this is their latest single, its called fallen. Music from why dont we. [ cheers and applause ] next week starting monday night. Luke combs, gillian anderson, taraji p. Henson, emmanuel ahcho, ellen pompeo, and well have music from ty dolla sign, maren morris, nathaniel rateliff, and chris stapleton. Join us next week. Our first guest tonight is an englishman who spent seven seasons riding motorcycles and swallowing bugs on sons of anarchy. His new movie is called jungleland and it premieres tuesday on vod. Say hello to Charlie Hunnam. [ cheers and applause ] who is that . This is my kitten that i rescued. She was fast asleep but we woke her up, so ill put her on the floor so we can concentrate on you. Jimmy sorry, kitten. Whats her name . Cleopatra. Jimmy yes, like that lady from history. Yes, right. Jimmy see, i know. A lot of cats are named cleo, why is that, i wonder . Is it the eyes . Guess so, yeah. She sort of had a little i dont know, we got her and it was just the first name that came to mind. So it stuck. Jimmy i heard youre a little under the weather right now. I am. I think, thanks to cleo, actually its funny. Im not sure what i have. I have a little bit of a persistent fever, a dry cough, a little bit of fatigue. Jimmy oh so it could be covid. I went and had a test earlier this week. And a rapid test. It came back negative. Jimmy well, thats good. So it might just be unfairly jumping to conclusions. But it feels consistent. I had jimmy take off your shirt, let me take a look at you and well see whats going on. [ laughter ] never mind. Oh did you say you had covid . What that is youre drinking . Thats probably why youre sick. Thats dirty water youre drinking there you cant drink water that color. Im just trying to flush it out of my system, yeah. I had it earlier this year. And it wasnt it didnt feel like this. It wasnt particularly acute. I just lost my sense of taste and smell for about ten days. And had a little bit of fatigue. This feels very, very different. It feels much more like flu. Jimmy can i ask you about that . I think we hear about people losing their sense of taste and smell. So when you eat food, when you lost your sense of taste and smell, does everything taste the same . Yeah. I mean, i literally just couldnt taste anything. It occurred to me, you know, as these things its sort of i was aware as these things happen, when youre starting to gettic sick, i wasnt quite right. Then i came down to make some coffee one morning, was grinding up the coffee, and realized i couldnt smell at all. And my partner wasnt feeling that great. And so i asked i made his coffee, can you taste that . Then it was this sort of moment where she said, oh, no, i cant. It was very early on. Jimmy right. So that piece of this hadnt really come to light as a symptom of mild covid. So i say, you know, do you think were simultaneously having a stroke . Because that was the only thing that i had ever heard would render you incapable of tasting and smelling. Jimmy is everyone all right . Everyones good. Jimmy okay, good. Everyones good. But the irony is, i dont know how i would have gotten sick again, because i havent left the house in six months. Other than to take my cat, my new cat, to the vet. We rescued this kitten. My partners sister rescued a kitten out of an alley. And shes been having a series of pretty Seri