Hes like a kid slowly realizing nobodys coming to his birthday party. We should never have given him that diet coke button this had to put a little crinkle in his tin foil hat. The department of homeland securitys cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency this is one of trumps own cabinet agencies, put out a statement debunking his claims of widespread fraud. They wrote, the november 3rd election was the most secure in american history. And then they took another dig at the boss baby, while we know there are many unfounded claims and opportunities for misinformation about the process of our elections, we can assure you we have the utmost confidence in the security and integrity of our elections, and you should, too. And how did the president react to that statement of reassurance from his own Government Agency . Most fraudulent election in history so everythings going great. If donald trump gets any more embarrassing, were gonna have to start calling him donald junior. I wonder if he really even believes any of this garbage . He says it was rigged. He says everything is rigged. When donald trump says something is rigged, you can rest assured that it probably is not. We are running against a rigged race. Some of the voting was rigged. The game was rigged. Our country is rigged. The economy is rigged. Republican system is was rigged. Hillary clinton was rigged. The media is rigged. These polls are rigged. The whole deal is rigged. The banks are rigged. The process is rigged. I think my side was rigged. Its a rigged everything. The whole deal is rigged, folks. Rigged, rigged, rigged, rigged. I call plenty of things in the country, rigged. Jimmy it is going to take the president some time to digest this loss. Heres how it will go, these are the trump stages of grief in ten parts. First up, denial. We were getting ready to win this election, frankly we did win this election. Jimmy then, anger. Joe biden is a criminal, and he has been a criminal for a long time. And you are a criminal and the media for not reporting it. Jimmy after anger comes blame. This is a horrible thing that the United StatesSupreme Court has done to our country. I will say it and i say it loud and i say it proud. Jimmy then delusion. I see thousands of ballots. Right . Unsolicited ballots being given out by the millions and dumped in dumpsters. Jimmy litigation. Theres tremendous litigation going on. Jimmy discombobulation. If people wanted their bal t ballots in, thernd have gotten them in for a long time. Jimmy more delusion. Jimmy incoherence. I can tell you stories about lady gaga, i know a lot of stories, lady gaga, and john bon jovi, every time i see him he kisses my ass. Jimmy hallucination. Ding, ding, ding, bong, bong, bong, jimmy and finally, acceptance. This is chinas fault. As closes you can get. Jimmy now bend over and take it like a man getting spanked with a rolledup magazine. Its just going to take time. Four more years and hell be over it. And it may take his supporters longer than that. There was a rally on saturday in washington, the million maga march. They were about 985,000 short of a million, but dont say that to White House Press secretary kasey macaroni, who did what Trump Press Secretaries are expected to do. She added a few zeros to it. Amazing more than one million marchers for president realdonaldtrump descend on the swamp in support. Best base in political history. We love you guys even sean spicer was like that number seems a little high. Local authorities estimated the size of the crowd at around ten thousand. But bear in mind, in fairness to kayleigh, if you ask her how old she is, she holds up her fingers and says this many. The president did not speak at the rally, but he did drive through the crowd to give a tiny little thumbs up on his way to the golf club he would never allow any of the people he drove past to join. I think i have an idea to solve this. I have other ideas to solve and i know they have had not solved it. But heres another one. You with me on this guillermo . Im with you. Heres what we do. We tell trump hes going to resign the presidency. We hand him a piece of paper. It says, i, donald j. Trump hereby resign as president of the United States effective immediately. We give him a bigfat sharpie and let him go to town. Once that thing is notarized, we put him in a sack and ship him right back to maralago. Trump is desperate for a win right now. He took a victory lap today after the very good news that another Covid Vaccine is on the way. Writing, another vaccine just announced. This time by moderna, 95 effective. For those great historians, please remember that these great discoveries,which will end the china plague, all took place on my watch dont worry. We will make sure that no one ever forgets what took place on your watch. With the virus hitting alltime highs, trumps new top coronavirus advisor, scott atlas, urged people in michigan to rise up against safety measures. Yeah down with safety but the fact that we have two viable vaccines is great news. This morning i was actually fantasizing about being on an elevator with people. Guillermo, which vaccine are you into, pfizer or moderna . Pfizer. You like pfizer, huh . Yeah, yeah. What is it about the pfizer that you like . I dont know, defense the first one that came. It is the first one . Yeah. Its the original, its like cocacola and pepsi. Cokes the real thing. Exactly. How do you like it . Well, i still prefer the first one. You still prefer the first one. Whos name you cannot remember now . Faster, pfizer pfizer the first one. Ffpfizer. I have one more question. Do you know how to do a cartwheel . No, no. I dont know how to do a cartwheel, im too fat. I dont know. You never do a front cartwheel . I dont know, but one of my good writers over here you are have writers . Yeah. Daniel wait a minute, the words you say, are being provided to you by writers . Yeah, yeah. I made a decision, i made it last weekend it was reaffirmed for me. I want to be i am 53, and it seems like the right time. And you and i then lets try it. You go ahead and go ahead and give it a try. I want to learn. I want to get an olympian to teach you. Okay. I will give it a try. Give it a try. Are we going to have time . Yeah, we have time . Its a cartwheel, how long can it take . Remember, i dont know how. [ bleep ] this time. Lets go over here so i can see whats happening. Go ahead. That was actually really good. Oh, my god, that was terrible. What were we talking about . Oh, trump, yeah, what else . Team trump is 1 for 24 in court right now, wasting our money trying desperately to convince a judge, at this point any judge, that there was voter fraud. Multiple cases were dismissed and withdrawn today. Because they have no evidence. The odds are piling up against trump, but when youre the underdog, who do you go to for an unexpected win . Thats right, none other than rudy. Every ballot they could see had bidens name on it. Nobody else, not even another democrat. Why does that happen . It happens because you know you are behind. Dominion notifies you and you call off the counting and you start doing ballots like this. You cant, you cant do the down ticket. Thats why you have biden and no down ticket because they had enough time to get bidens name in. Its true, i read about it on a jpeg on facebook. Looks like somebody treated himself to a new pinky ring and while you may be wondering why donald trump would put his legal fate in the hands of the only person who is more out of it than he is. The reason may be as simple as this commercial that runs opposite mypillow on fox news. Looking for a lawyer who doesnt give a calmed the notorious rudy g, Rudy Giuliani and associates. 555 am i a mess . Maybe. Something is wrong call me at 555 i will answer the phone. I always answer the phone. I have a scab on my income that i keep picking and Rudy Giuliani and associates. I have no associates they quit weeks ampth remember this . What happened to me. Call now. Call, now. Jimmy fun fact, did you know Rudy Giuliani is the only vampire who loves garlic . He even smells like it what a confusing time it is to be alive. Especially if youre a parent. Kids know more about whats going on than we think they do. Last night on 60 minutes, president obama was talking about trump refusing to concede, he said we would never accept behavior like that from our own kids if they lost. And thats true. So what are the lessons our children have learned from this president known as trump . Some of them are these. Cheating is okay. Lie. Always lie. Never tell the truth. If somebody disagrees with you, they are a loser. Cheat on your stocks. Cheat on your taxes. Being attractive and rich is most important. Dont follow the rules. Never apologize. Ever. Apologies are for losers. Dont help sick people. Dont help poor people. Never take responsibility for anything. Blame everyone else. Dont exercise. Stare in to an eclipse. Fried chicken is good for you . Call people names. Sleepy. Nasty. Crazy. Lazy. Low iq. Little. Weirdo. Ugly. Loser. Pocahontas. Call a winner a cheater if you lose. Dont let anybody talk. Interrupt people. People who are different are keep interrupting, interrupt, interrupt, interrupt. Hire Rudy Giuliani. And dont forget to interrupt. He is an inspiration to all of us. Jimmy we have a good show for you tonight. David cross is with us. Weve got music from wallows. And well be right back with Ryan Phillippe. Only at target. Its black friday now. This week save on electronics, family apparel, tvs and more. 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If we pace ourselves, the holidays never have to end. Why is there a carrot in there . Tough news, thats your snowman. Mr. Snowball . Yeah. Are those his eyes . Go on lime, drink up your snowman. I drink him because i love him. And, to pace yourself i drink him got the whole fam rockin hejingle jammays olidays our 18th time watchin love actuallay we gon have the best holiday here at old navay shop jingle jammies from head to toe to tail. We holiday. Only at old navy and oldnavy. Com lets be honest. Quitting smoking is hard. Like, quitting every monday hard. Quitting feels so big. So try making it smaller, and youll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. Start stopping with nicorette. Starting small can lead to something big. Did you get a streuseltopped blueberry muffin because its a special day . Or is it a special day because you got a streuseltopped blueberry muffin . Meet the new bakery sweets at mcdonalds ba da ba ba ba jimmy welcome back. Tonight, a very funny and dare i say subversive man, david cross is with us. Then later, their ep is called remote music from wallows. This week, weve got new shows with goldie hawn, alison brie, alex winter. Well have a visit from people magazines sexiest man alive, whose identity has not yet been revealed. Well have music from geazy featuring blackbear, beebadoobee, and zac brown band. And on thursday, president barack obama. You know that guy, right . You know our first guest from those things we used to go to called movies. His latest is a tv show. He plays private investigator cody hoyt in the new tv show big sky. It premieres tomorrow night on abc. Please welcome Ryan Phillippe. Snet please, hows it going . Its going good. You know, its actually nice to see anyone these days. Jimmy i know, it is. When people say nice to see you, you cannot help but feel you means humanity. Yeah, yeah, get out of the house. Jimmy have you been getting out of the house or staying . I was working in vancouver doing big sky. I went through the early days of the quarantine and stayed in the house and did everything and then i needed to hit the road, jimmy. Jimmy by yourself . Yeah. Jimmy where did you go . I went on a country. Im from delaware who is having a moment right now. Jimmy i have news, neither of you were there already, he was the Vice President before this. I know, i know, but i have a, im from delaware. I have a small beachhouse there and i kept thinking about how badly i wanted to be there had. Jimmy oh. And this idea of driving across country in an electric vehicle which, you know, four years ago was not a possibility. That got me so excited. I hopped in the tesla, and i allowed it to dictate my path. You want to hit the super chargers. If you dont hit the super chargers you will sit for a long time. Jimmy i found out the wrong way. We miscalculated and i tell you a sneaky thing they do. On the super charger, if you put your destination in the car, it will only give you enough super charge to get you to the destination. I know, you are holding your breath the last few miles and you are seeing it tick down to under 5 . Jimmy and the result is you end up in a nonsuper charger, in my case, a parking lot of a walmart store. Yeah, they are not always in the best place. Jimmy it would give you one mile every 40 minutes, or Something Like that. I dont know if you are like this if i see someones cell phone is not fully charged, i will just grab it and plug it in. Yeah theres a term for this. Range anxiety. Jimmy really . Its a tesla driver known term, you have range anxiety. Jimmy i may have to be hospitalized for it, and i cant get in for it. I let the tesla dictate my path. If i had to go out of the way to get to a super charger that was okay. Time is irrelevant. It doesnt mean anything anymore. So, you know, and also, i really wanted to try out the camping mode. Do you know about camping mode . Jimmy i have read about it, yeah. So camping mode keeps your climate controlled all night if you have enough charge and you can put on netflix, at some point in my journey i was like, i have to try out the camping mode. Jimmy you can put netflix on in the car . Yeah, you curl up in couch with big screen. So, on the way across country. I did stop, i was determined to have one night in the vehicle. I wanted on to try that out. But i was really tired and needed to shower a couple of times and i went to the holiday inn, these were the days where things were just opening up. So the guidelines and protocols of checking in were over the top. You walked in and everything was covered in plastic. To check in at the checkin counter i had to yell to the woman because she is behind a couple of panes and the stand here thing was eight feet away from her. I had to throw the credit card like a chinese star to get it to h her. No go in the room, from the remote, to buttons on the bathroom, everything is covered in plastic. It was very odd. But i made my way across country, and i figured out a way to hack the self drive. Jimmy oh, on the at the time la, the self driving feature, does it work . I have not tried it. I went hours without touching the wheel. Jimmy really . Jimmy i took off my shoes. I had multiple screens on the windshield so i can facetime with my kids and friends. Jimmy how did it go . It was like a super slow first class. Jimmy tell me what this is, this is a terrible idea to tell anyone how you did it, how did you do it . Its easily searchable on u youtu youtube, but i will say, there was nobody on the road. Height of the pandemic. The straight highs across texas, oklahoma, and i did not see anybody for miles so i got super comfortable. I was reclined. Like i said, i was chilling. Yeah. Jimmy do you put a pair of gloves on the wheel so it feels like theres hands there or what do you do . A a adequately weighted water bottle does the trick. Jimmy oh, is that right . You tuck it in the corner of the wheel. Jimmy imagine that is how you die. Imagine. Yeah, they found an evian bottle, you dont want to know where they found it. Apparently he was laying on his stomach. So i realize this was a couple of days in the journey, im getting close to delaware, i have to try out the camping thin. So i go online in a charging session and im looking at the koa spots. Jimmy yeah, yeah. And i didnt find one that was, you know, reasonably reachable with my range. Again. So, i started researching where are you allowed to sleep safely when you are on the road . Walmart. Jimmy thats right. I know this. Walmart is a haven for drivers. Anyone, if you are in danger or driving a truck, you are allowed to legally park and sleep in a walmart parking lot. Jimmy most of them, yeah, rvs, they will let you park in the walmart parking lot. Yeah, and so jimmy, thats what i the did. I got to a walmart somewhere in virginia. Jimmy wow. And they had a tesla charger and i put on camping mode and i curled up and i spent the last night of my journey a jimmy the stars are really just like us. Its remarkable. Im very much a man of the people. Very much. Very much. Jimmy how old are your kids now . 17, 20 and 9. Jimmy oh, oh, so, are are you still allowed to hang out with them or is it you know, you should have them on and ask them. No, i think they like me. My son and i have a very, very close relationship and we do a lot of road trips together. Jimmy he is 17 . Yeah, yeah. Jimmy where do you go with him and are you sleeping behind the wheel while no, by the way. Disclaimer i was the only person in that vehicle, so i would never do that. Jimmy its too late for any disclaim ers. You let us down. We were already on a bad path in the country. Now theres no one literally at the wheel anymore. Doesnt the it feel like that . Jimmy yeah, it does. You encapsulated the country right there. In the past few years, deacon and i have gone, we did a road trip to jeyellow stone. We went to north dakota and yellow stone and tokyo and kioto recently and most recently for his 17th birthday. I didnt tell him where we were going. I am like, im going to pick you up from moms and go on a have a celebration i said we are going to joshua tree and contact aliens. Jimmy thats the middle of the desert here in california. So i rented an alien filmed air bnb. Are you familiar with dr. Stephen greer. Jimmy i am not. Theres been