Lou from hollywood, its Jimmy Kimmel Live tonight George Clooney and Julia Roberts. Celebrities with mean tweets. Plus music from omar apollo with cleto and the cletones. And now, jimmy kimmel [ cheers and applause ] jimmy oh, thank you very much. Thanks. Hi, everybody. Thanks. Thank you. Im jimmy, im the host of the show. Thank you for watching and joining us. Please settle in, because oh, what a day it was here today in america. The awardwinning limited series the white potus is back. [ laughter ] if you havent been keeping up up with the january 6th hearings, heres a quick recap to get you up to speed. Previously on january 6th President Trump followed the course recommended by an apparently inebriated rudy giuliani. The mayor was definitely intoxicated. What they were proposing i thought was nuts. The claims of fraud were bull [ bleep ]. There was ketchup dripping down the wall. Then we went for lunch. We went for tuckers. President trump was yelling and aware of the rioters chants to hang mike pence. It was a different tone than id heard him take with the Vice President before. Do you remember what she said her father called him . The b word. The president reached in front of the vehicle to grab the steering wheel. Hes become detached from reality. Tonight i say this to my republican colleagues who are defending the indefensible. There will come a day when donald trump is gone, but your dishonor will remain. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yeah, well, there you go. So we havent the last hearing was july 1st. It felt a lot like game of thrones coming back. But instead of dragons roasting people, liz cheney was doing it. [ laughter ] the hearing began today at 1 pm eastern like all the soap operas do. Days off our lives. The title of this one. And man oh man, did the ketchup hit the wall. Much of the evidence in these hearings came from trumps inner circle. Its like if o. J. Had been turned in by his gloves. [ laughter ] these are his people. The chairman of the committee started by pointing out that almost all the evidence came from republicans, not democrats, and that the people who stopped trump from trying to steal the election, like mike pence and all those who repeatedly told him the election wasnt rigged, are also republican. Or, i should say they were republican. Now theyre in the witness protection party. [ laughter ] we learned today that trump knew the election wasnt stolen and even told mark meadows, his chief of staff, that he didnt want anyone to know he lost because it was embarrassing to him. So he had said something to the effect of, i dont want people to know we lost, mark, this is embarrassing, figure it out, we need to figure it out, i dont want people to know that we lost. Jimmy is that more embarrassing than continuing to say you won an election two years after you lost that election . [ laughter ] man, did his parents do a number on him, i dont know what happened there. [ laughter ] some of the more disturbing moments came from the video footage of chuck schumer, steny hoyer, and nancy pelosi hiding from the rioters during the attack. It was like a reboot of home alone starring your grandparents. [ laughter ] they were desperately trying to get help from the police and the military, because these lunatics, not only were they threatening violence, they were using the capitol as a bathroom. I just got off with the Vice President i got off with the Vice President elect. Okay, but what we left the conversation with, because he said, he had the impression from mitch that mitch wants to get everybody back to do it there. Yes. I said, were getting a counterpoint that is that could take a ton to clean up the poopoo that theyre making all over, literally and figuratively, in the capitol. Jimmy you understand things got so bad, the speaker of the house had to say poopoo. [ laughter ] the worst part maybe is they planned this. This is steve bannon, one of trumps righthand men less than a week before the election, telling a group of i dont know who in china that this was the plan. What trumps going to do is declare victory, right . Hes going to declare victory. That doesnt mean hes the winner, hes just going to say hes the winner. Democrats more of our people vote early that count. Theirs vote in may. Theyre going to have a natural disadvantage and trumps going to take advantage. Thats our strategy. Hes going to declare himself the winner. When you wake up wednesday morning, its going to be a firestorm. Jimmy and thats exactly what happened. One of other trumps bigmouth looney goons, roger stone, also days before the election, saying this. Lets just hope were celebrating. Yeah. I suspect it will be i really suspect it will still be up in the air. When that happens, the key thing to do is claim victory. Possession is ninetenths of the law. We won, [ bleep ] you, sorry, its over, youre wrong, [ bleep ] you. Yeah, abc. [ bleep ] get right to the violence. Jimmy there it is, right on tape, its crazy. I have to say, all this evidence, its crazy. Its crazy the only trump being held in prison right now is melania. [ laughter and applause ] at the end of the hearing, the Bipartisan Committee voted unanimously to subpoena donald trump to make him testify before the house. Which, unless the house is of pancakes thats just not going to happen. [ laughter ] its like sending a cease and desist to a hurricane. At this point, i dont know what they need to hear from him. Its all there. This case against trump is about as obvious as an episode of scooby doo. [ laughter ] and yet there are still those who believe all these lifelong republicans who worked for donald trump suddenly made this all up. Its either they all got together and made it up, or he did it. Those are your only two choices. Heres the thing. If being an american means accepting and abiding by our constitution and after hearing all this, you still think what donald trump did was okay . I guess youre not an american. I think that makes you an illegal. [ cheers and applause ] we know how you feel about those. So i guess, pack your stuff and make an orderly departure from the country. And this is something with all this going on, this is the email the trump people sent to his supporters last night. With the subject did you hear . Donald trump is ranked 1 president ial golfer in history by a landslide. [ laughter ] by a landslide first of all, no one heard that, okay . And secondly, if it was its like flunking out of school but bragging about how good you are at recess. [ laughter ] but you know the old saying. When the facts are on your side, pound the facts. When the law is on your side, pound the law. And when you have neither of them on your side, pound eleven diet cokes and start an insurrection. [ laughter ] meanwhile, blobby jones has many other investigations to worry about. The Supreme Court today rejected trumps request to intervene in his dispute with the department of justice over those classified documents he absconded to maralago with. The court denied trumps request by a unanimous vote. And a new story from the Washington Post says trump was more directly involved with these boxes than we knew. After trump got the subpoena to hand over the records, he personally ordered one of his employees to move the boxes of documents from the storage room at maralago to his private residence at maralago. Remember how he was ranting and raving about the agents searching barrons bedroom and going through melanias closet . Thats because he put the documents there. [ laughter ] the employee originally denied moving the boxes, but changed his story after the feds showed him security video of it happening. [ laughter ] he then admitted that trump told him to do it. Trump got caught by his own security. It is astounding how dumb this hes such a bad criminal. If donald trump wasnt born rich, hed be one of those bank robbers who passes the teller a note with his name signed at the bottom. [ laughter ] the video and the confession are major pieces of evidence that mean i think they almost have to indict him. Its crazy. Of all of Donald Trumps many victims, who in a million years would have thought the National Archives would bring it mr. Forbes magazine foiled by a bunch of librarians. [ laughter ] its beautiful, right . Hes got the fbi boxes thing, hes got january 6th, hes got a rape case against him, hes got the attorney general in new york, hes got the criminal interference in the election investigation in georgia. But when will this man stop this insanity and leave us alone . Never, never. Never. Never, never. Never. Never, never, never, never. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever ever, ever ever, ever, ever ever is a long time. Jimmy oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. [ applause ] feels long. Feels very long. Going back to georgia. This is something. Even on a day dominated by trump, Herschel Walker still somehow managed to make news. This time, well a month or so ago, he claimed his grandmother is native american. I found something out. I found something out. My mom just told me that my moms grandmother was full blood cherokee. So im native american. Im like, ho, hello so im a supermutt. I dont know what i am. But this is what was so funny. This was what was so funny. I said, mom, why didnt you ever say anything to us . She said, back in my days, a lot of native american were treated worse than blacks. Jimmy oh, yeah, that is funny. [ laughter ] hilarious, really, herschel. So if he is a quarter cherokee, i guess that means Herschel Walker is a dallas cowboy and an indian at the same time. [ laughter ] only problem is, they looked into it, turns out he isnt. His grandmother is 0 cherokee. Neither is he, nor are any of his little papooses with all his many women. Maybe trump will start calling him pocoheisman [ laughter and applause ] while were on the subject of genetics, this is interesting. According to harpers magazine, Trump Supporters are 50 more likely than biden supporters to have donated sperm. Which is fascinating because they found research has found that political beliefs may be genetic. Which would mean, the maga babies are going to outnumber us. Its a scary possibility for the future, which is why President Biden took a break during his trip to l. A. Today to encourage democrats to get to work. Im joe biden, and i approve this message. Times have changed. This aint your fathers republican party. The maga partys a different breed of cat. And theyre not just threatening to take control of congress, theyre threatening to take control of our willie milk too. [ laughter ] republicans are flooding our banks with sperm. And if were going to beat em, were going to have to beat ourselves. [ laughter ] if youre a male democrat who can still make gravy in your chinos, get on down to your local sperm bank and squiggle your wiggle for america they got a whole mess of ways to get you in the mood to make trouser mayo, like hotsy totsy pinup gals. Pictures of ladies trying on brassieres. Susan b. Anthony. Mmmmmm [ laughter ] what was i talking about again . Oh, yeah. If we want to save our country, were going to need you to pump that pappy pickle. That means you, your friends, even your old pal joe. Just like riding a bike. Okay, bad example. [ laughter ] come on, jack. Jack [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow. Thank you, mr. President. All right. The moment youve been waiting for. Social media isnt just about fighting over politics, its also a place where you can go to sling mud at your favorite celebrities. Every so often we take a moment to shine a light on the evils of twitter by letting famous people read some of the poisonous comments about them. And weve done it again in an allnew edition of mean tweets. [ cheers and applause ] brian cox looks like a super gruff, sophisticated ball sac. I would hate having a convo with chris rock. He is one loudass black individual. This person is a psychic. Matthew broderick can eat a [ bleep ], he peaked at 17. Kevin bacon is what Ryan Reynolds would look like if he did a [ bleep ] ton of heroin. Idris elba is ugly. There, i said it. [ bleep ] you. They should cast me in all of dan levys parts because im annoying and gay but not completely insufferable, and im also hotter than him. Nothing says gay rights like this tweet. Kirsten dunst looks like if jewell got cosmetic surgery and got hit by a bus the day they removed the bandages. Thank you. Andrew garfield has fast people hands. Or at least hands of creepy school custodians. That is untrue. And incredibly inventive and creative. Also, jason momoa is a creep. No one should feel anything in their ovaries for him. [ bleep ] you. I hope that fat [ bleep ] George Clooney is selling [ bleep ] loads of tequila right now. I am. Why is salma hayek trending . Is her titties out . No. Wheres the camera . Jon stewart sucks chinas [ bleep ]. China doesnt have a [ bleep ]. Youre thinking of florida. [ laughter ] why does halle berrys knee look like the face of that guy that came out of the book that harry found in a restricted section at the library at hogwarts . You need to stop looking at my knees. The show is up here, from here to here. The worst part about curb your enthusiasm is they portray larry as [ bleep ]. No one wants to [ bleep ] larry david. You know what . Couldnt agree more. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy weve got a great show for you tonight we have music from omar apollo. And well be right back with George Clooney and Julia Roberts. [ cheers and applause ] around here, we like to keep things simple and honest. Sure do. Thats why at progressive, we show you rates from other companies, even if theyre lower than ours, so you can choose whats best for your family. Comparing rates used to be a hard days work, but not with autoquote explorer. Need me to help again . No. So join us and taste why progressive is the name people trust. Sorry, are we talking about apples now or insurance . [ laughter ] why is that funny . Somedays, i cover up because of my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. Now i feel free to bare my skin, thanks to skyrizi. uplifting music nothing is everything im celebrating my clearer skin. My way. With skyrizi, 3 out of 4 people achieved 90 clearer skin at 4 months. 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How many banks do you know that reward you for saving every month . Hes got a good point. Did i mention bmo has more feefree atms than the two largest us banks combined . Uh, bmo . Just beemo, actually. Quick question, will all this stuff fit in your car . should i get rid of the mug . Bmo [ cheers and applause ] jimmy hi, there. Tonight, he is apple musics up next artist. You can see him at the Austin City Limits festival this weekend. His album is called ivory, omar apollo from the mercedes eq stage. [ cheers and applause ] well, im not going to waste any time. Our guests tonight are two of the biggest movie stars on the planet. Combined, their movies have grossed more than 11 billion and theyre going for 12 in their fifth movie together. Ticket to paradise opens in theaters a week from tomorrow, please welcome George Clooney and Julia Roberts. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you doing . Hey jimmy thanks for i assume you know each other . Just met backstage. Jimmy how well do you really know each other . Do you know each others middle names . Oh. Thats a good question. Timothy. Oh, yeah, she does. [ laughter ] she knows me better than i ill give you a hint. Rose. No, starts with an f. [ laughter ] i have to be careful. You should be. Frances . No. I really thought you would know that. Im sorry. Jimmy you really came out with that timothy so quickly, thats amazing. I did, im kind of impressed with myself. God knows im a little talked out. Jimmy what about georges birthday . May oh. Oh. 1913. [ laughter ] 7th . May 6th. Jimmy very close. Whens my birthday . No idea. [ laughter and applause ] i dont remember my own birthday, so in fairness. My birthdays coming up. It is . Yes. Oh, well. Ill do something. Jimmy better do something. Yeah. Its the 28th of october. Oh, sure, i was going to say that. [ laughter ] jimmy do you recall, maybe you dont remember, but when do you remember becoming aware of each other in a professional sense . Oh, i do know this. It was the babs, i think. What was it . What was it professionally . The first time that i was swooning over George Clooney sure. Was could be first and last time. Yeah. [ laughter ] was on the tv show sisters. Jimmy on sisters. Yes. Selma wards boyfriend, falconer. Wow, falconer. Jimmy wow, falconer. And i actually auditioned for mystic pizza. Didnt get it. [ laughter ] oh, she was in i had my eye on her then. Jimmy i dont know if you know this, you had your big breaks at the same time. Look at this. March 1990, pretty woman came out. You became obviously a huge star. Thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i know what youre going to do. Ohoh. I know what youre going to do. Oh, no. Oh, no. Jimmy do you really . Ill tell you that right now. Im going to tell you why. This is a small town, my friend. A buddy called and said, a friend of mine who did a show with you needed to get a clearance. So go ahead. Jimmy okay, yeah, we looked for a clip. Come on. Jimmy one month later, after pretty woman, george hit the airwaves in a big way. Bigtime. Jimmy right here on abc. Yeah. Jimmy with a show called sunset beats. Yep. Whats the matter . Its no good. [ cheers and applause ]