Im jimmy. Im the host of the show. Thank you for watching. Thank you for joining us here in hollywood. We had a what a day this was. I have to tell you, i dont know if you know about this. But i had a tumultuous morning. I had a headache. I woke up about 5 00 a. M. I took advil. I took aspirin. I took everything we had. And then i went back to sleep. And usually i wake up at 7 00 and make everyone breakfast, but on this rare occasion my wife was kind enough to let me remain in bed writhing in pain and when i got out of bed at 9 00 a. M. I had 100 text messages. Usually ill have maybe four. I had 100 because it appears that i once again ruffled the feathers of our kentucky fried former president. [ laughter ] who is apparently, with all thats going on, still smarting from my joke about him at the oscars. [ whoops ] you know, donald trump is in the first week of a criminal trial. The first president to be on trial for a criminal offense, for paying hush money to a pornographic film star. [ laughter ] he was in court all day monday, all day yesterday. Today, he had a day off, and how did he spend it . Brunch with melania . No. Maybe catch with barron in the yard . No, no. Ranta claus got up bright and early to post 165 venomous words about yours truly. [ cheers and applause ] ill read it to you. It begins, stupid jimmy kimmel. [ laughter ] were off to a good start [ laughter ] who still hasnt recovered from his horrendous performance and big ratings drop as host of the Academy Awards, especially when he showed he suffered from tds, commonly known as trump derangement syndrome [ laughter ] to the entire world by reading on air my truth about how bad a job he was doing that night, right before he stumbled through announcing the biggest award of all, picture of the year. It was a classic choke, one of the biggest ever in show business, and to top it off, he forgot to say the famous and mandatory line, and the winner is. Instead, he stammered around as he opened the envelope. Supposedly his wife, and even management, begged him not to do it, dont read his truth, jimmy, please dont do this, they said. [ laughter ] he was made to look like a fool, which he is, and at the same time go down in Television History as the worst host ever of the once vaunted Academy Awards [ cheers and applause ] so my first thought is im impressed by his use of the word vaunted. [ laughter ] he was even able to spell it correctly, which is really good, very well done. But literally Everything Else is not just wrong, but maybe we should be worried about him wrong. Maybe we should take the keys away from grandpa wrong. [ laughter ] lets go through it again and just do a fact check line by line. Starting with stupid jimmy kimmel. All right, that part might be true. Thats debatable. [ laughter ] thats a matter of opinion. Who still hasnt recovered from his horrendous performance and big ratings drop as host of the Academy Awards. Thats weird because i thought i read in the news that the ratings went up this year. [ cheers and applause ] especially when he showed he suffered from tds, commonly known as trump derangement syndrome. Now, that is false. Theres only one person who suffers from trump derangement syndrome. His name is donald trump. Okay . [ cheers and applause ] to the entire world by reading on air my truth about how bad a job he was doing that night, right before he stumbled through announcing the biggest award of all, picture of the year. All right, two things here. Maybe three even. Number one, i did not present the award for best picture. [ laughter ] i was the host. The host doesnt present awards, the presenters present the awards. And the person who presented the award was al pacino, not me. We are different people. [ laughter ] now dont get me wrong, i wish i was al pacino. Im just not. Hes al pacino, im me. Youd think hed know that because im pretty sure say hello to my little friend is what he said to Stormy Daniels that got him in all this trouble. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but maybe all italians look alike. I dont know. It was a classic choke, one of the biggest ever in show business, again, not me. And to top it off, he forgot to say the famous and mandatory line, and the winner is. Not correct. Thats not the mandatory line. Also still not me. [ laughter ] instead, he stammered around as he opened the envelope. Again, i didnt open the envelope. [ laughter ] i didnt even touch the envelope. I did not present the award for best picture. I am not al pacino. [ laughter ] maybe you dreamed this during one of your courtroom siestas . I dont know. [ laughter ] and then he makes a leap to a completely different moment in the show when i read his dumb post and everybody laughed at him. He wrote, supposedly his wife and even management begged him not to do it, dont read his truth, jimmy, please dont do this, they said. In his stories everyones always begging. They came to me with tears in their eyes, they said sir, please sir, dont read trumps post, sir. Which is not at all what happened. What happened is i saw they showed me what he posted, i looked and i said oh, im going to read this. My wife went oh, no. I said oh, yes. [ laughter ] and that was that. That was the whole story. [ cheers and applause ] and by the way, keep my wifes name out of your fing mouth. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and then he closed it with he was made to look like a fool, which he is, and at the same time go down in Television History as the worst host ever of the once vaunted Academy Awards that must be why they asked me to host the show again next year. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] which i wasnt i wasnt planning to do but now i might. [ cheers and applause ] maybe you can watch on the tv in the rec room at rikers. With all the guys. [ cheers and applause ] this man who was our president is on trial. He has 34 criminal charges against him. Hes still mad about the oscars . That was five weeks ago my parents dont even care anymore. [ laughter ] the only person still talking about this joke is him. It really must have got to him. By the way, in case you missed it lets show that one more time. Get rid of kimmel and perhaps replace him with another washed up but cheap abc talent, george slopanopoulos. He would make everybody on stage look bigger, stronger and more glamorous, blah, blah, blah. Make America Great again. [ laughter ] okay, now, see if you can guess which former president just posted that on truth social. [ laughter ] anyone . No . Well, thank you, president trump. Thank you for watching. Im surprised youre still isnt it past your jail time . [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i guess i should be honored that the former president of the United States took time out of his busy schedule Googling Ivanka in bikini to rant about me. [ laughter ] he must not get how much i love this. It doesnt even add up. Either feeble knievel doesnt know that al pacino and i are different guys, or he didnt actually watch the oscars he claims to have hated so much. He got everything wrong. And we know he didnt forget because according to his top aides, he has an encyclopedic memory. Donald trump has an encyclopedic memory. Jimmy thats right. That guy, stephen miller, you know, he starred in its an interesting story. He started as a russian sex bot. The russians built him to have sex with. But he was too ugly. [ laughter ] so now hes in charge of kissing trumps beautiful ass in the most outlandish ways possible. The most stylish president and first lady in our lifetimes are donald trump and melania trump. Donald trumps a style icon. He changed american fashion. In the apprentice people spent the next ten years trying to dress like donald trump. Jimmy hes the male jackie o. [ laughter ] he remembers everything. People are trying to dress like him. They tried, they failed, they couldnt get the ties long enough. [ laughter ] theres so much brazen lying that goes on. These, by the way, are the ratings for the oscars over the past three years. I hosted in 2023 and 24. [ cheers and applause ] im not looking to boast. I just want to say that that is not down. You want to know what down looks like . This is the value of truth socials stock. Thats down. [ applause ] and by the way, if youve just got to make stuff up why go with something as dumb as that . Like if i was going to make stuff up about him id start telling people he wears diapers. [ laughter ] i would explain that its a long trial, he drinks a lot of diet cokes to stay awake, hes getting up there in years and its perfectly normal for a man of trumps age and carriage to wear absorbent undergarments. To stop the leaks. [ laughter ] if i was making stuff up, i would point out that the reason he stands like this and golfs like this and plays tennis like this is because he has a full diaper strapped around his little mushroom garden. Okay . [ cheers and applause ] thats what i would do. If he wins, im going to have to move. I dont know. [ laughter ] goodbye, everybody. Im out of here. Anyway. All right. I think weve had enough of donald trump. Hey, weve got something weve been i say we but i have not been working on this at all. Our crew has been working very hard rebuilding our outdoor stage. We had to shut this down during covid. So this outdoor stage which we used to love and wed have these great performances outside has not been available to us for more than four years, but we worked extra hard, and again, i had nothing to do with working but they worked extra hard building it for Chris Stapleton, who is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] Chris Stapleton, great artist, great guy, is going to be playing songs from his new album higher tonight. But before that we have a challenge for chris. Hes a tentime grammy winner. Hes one of the most accomplished singers, songwriters in the world. But can he sing a song he has never sung or even seen before . Its time to find out. Its time to wing it and sing it. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you. Jimmy Chris Stapleton, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] chris, thank you for being here. Very excited that youre here. And i was very tickled to learn that you are a fan of the show full house. Or at least you were when you were a kid . Sure. [ laughter ] jimmy okay. That is the theme for our song tonight. Weve written lyrics. These are lyrics that chris has not seen. Correct . Youve never seen these . Obviously. Jimmy okay. Now, the music is going to be up to you. Youve got to play something on the guitar. But what chris will do is Start Playing a melody and i will reveal the cards each one at a time and you will sing the words on those cards. Are we ready . Jimmy yeah. You Start Playing and then ill show the first card. [ laughter ] this is really silly. Jimmy yeah, you shouldnt have done this. Ive sung many songs about the folks of mine the family in my band my friends and my wife but the one human being whom i love most is an american treasure named john john stamos [ cheers and applause ] hes the reason im singing this ballad hes the feta cheese, oh, in my greek salad when the kids are all gone, and so is my spouse come on, jimmy. I crack a hard seltzer and i watch full house with a sweet impish grin those dimples and that chin those pretty green eyes those shoulders, those thighs an incredible bod oh my greek golden god id give my id give id give my left nut to be part of his squad and if any man ever lays a hand on my guy ill shoot him ill kill him ill poke out his eye dear god tell me honestly is it a sin for wishing id been born a third olsen twin id trade all the whiskey in ol tennessee for a minute of hanging with uncle jesse and if i shout out his name three times in a row maybe hell appear here in this studio everybody john stamos oh, John Stamos John stamos [ cheers and applause ] stapleton hey, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] thats incredible. John stamos, everybody. Oh, theres more. Yeah. Well, holy [ bleep ]. Wow, my dream has come true this is your dream . John stamos, youre awesome and i do love you [ cheers and applause ] jimmy Chris Stapleton and john stamos. We have a great show. Chris stapleton is here. Well be right back with Rob Mcelhenney. Im your overly competitive brother. And im ready for a rematch. Game on. Ive been practicing. What the cello . You want me to lower the hoop . Foul what . You going to tell on me again . Foul yah . Foul bro here take a free shot go ahead knock yourself out. Your about to get served. Seriously . Get allstate, save money, and be better protected from mayhem, like me. Love you mom wait till your father gets home. Ladies and gentlemen, please take your. [crunching] mmmm. Place. Mmmm. On the conveyor belt. Lets move it oh. [crunching] [alarm beeping] [crunch] [crunch, crunch, crunch] turn up the fun with crunch shhhhhhh. Dont say you can take the heat until youve tried the spicy mccrispy. No one wants to hear it, unless youve had spicy pepper sauce on the top and bottom buns. Thoughts, martin . Ughh shoulda bought dixie® these weak store brand plates are risky business. Next time, get dixie ultra® plates. Three times stronger than the leading store brand. Dixie. Make it right®. Oh man. Do you stick with plump, juicy raisins . Or try something deliciously frosted . Best to reallyyyy chew on this one. [chewing] but maybe not so loudly. More delicious ways to bran. Shopify helps you sell at every stage of your business. So you can sell it online, take it in person and go big. Like a million orders big. Whatever the stage, businesses that grow grow with shopify. So rich. So indulgent. Its new olay body wash. Silky indulgent moisture. Bye bye, dry skin. Hello glow in just 14 days. Indulge. With olay body wash. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy welcome back. Tonight the very highly talented, tentime grammy awardwinning singersongwriter. He is here to chat and, well, play music from the don julio outdoor stage. The one and only Chris Stapleton is with us. [ cheers and applause ] and i also want to thank our friend john stamos. You can see john with the beach boys at new Orleans Jazzfest on april 25th and stagecoach on the 28th. Tomorrow night, zendaya will be here tomorrow night. And from a new show im producing for hulu called high hopes. This is set in a cannabis shop just down the block from us here in hollywood. Two friendly stoners named freddie and yuri will be with us. And well have music from olivia dean too. So please join us for that. You know our first guest from 16 seasons of its always sunny in philadelphia. On the weekends, he and his partner Ryan Reynolds own a Football Club in wales. Here we are again, beginning another season. You and me. Hopefully 100 more times. What a special thing. Lets not let that pass without marking the moment of like holy [ bleep ], were standing in the English Football League now. Were in the english [ bleep ] Football League now. Were back. Were back. Jimmy season 3 of welcome to wrexham premieres may 2nd on fx and streams the next day on hulu. Please welcome Rob Mcelhenney [ cheers and applause ] jimmy i know you had a big weekend. You had a birthday this weekend. You had a big win for your team, which is just like its an explain, because most people in america dont understand the intricacies of soccer, me included. But or football. Football. Jimmy as you now have to call it or youll be thrown out of the town. But explain what happened here. What happened to your team over the past two seasons . Well, i have a whole documentary series about it, jimmy, which youre welcome to watch. Jimmy i understand i understand it. But just to put it in simple terms. Yes. So its just something that would be anathema to american sports. But picture whoever comes in last place in the nfl this year who had the worst record . Jimmy i ought forget. I dont remember. Who was it . Carolina. Carolina. Lets just say carolina had the worst record. They would get kicked out of the league and kicked down a league below, and they would have to fight their way back. And lets just say they came in last place in that second league. They would get kicked out again to a lower league. And they would continue a precipitous fall. Jimmy till eventually they were playing high school football. That is correct. [ laughter ] and there are truly i think theres Something Like 16 or 17 leagues in english football and you get to a certain point where its semiprofessional and youre playing against cops and firemen. Jimmy and conversely, if you win you get to move up . Correct. Jimmy and you guys have moved up two seasons in a row. Which hasnt happened for how long . [ cheers and applause ] it hasnt happened for our club in double promotion like that in a row, 169 years. Jimmy 169 years. Thats even a long time for a team to be around. Yes. Jimmy and do you credit yourselves for this . I mean, you must, right . [ laughter ] listen, the players were there before you and things werent going so well until you guys showed up. No. Ryan and i have no delusion. We joke about this all the time because were either there at the stadium or were at home and were screaming at the television, of course, as any good sports fan knows that they do. But we have no bearing on what happens on the pitch. Youre putting all of your hopes and dreams into young men and women between the ages of 19 and 25. Jimmy yeah. But yet somehow the magic has happened there. Yes. Jimmy which is incredible. And also your birthday. So you and ryan have a fun thing that you do. I dont know if its fun for you. I dont know if its fun for him. But every year on your birthdays, this has become id imagine theres a lot of pressure now involved because its become a oneman a oneupmanship situation. He started it. I just a few years ago on april 14th, which is my birthday, i just went onto instagram. Kaitlin screamed, my wife kaitlin, from upstairs, check your instagram. And i see that ryan had done this video of this dedication hed made at the stadium in wales. The robert lucinda mcelhenney, which is not my middle name. [ laughter ] memorial urinal. And he put a plaque next to the urinal. And now anybody can go there and do their business on my plaque. My face. [ laughter ] and he said happy birthday at the end of it. So then it became i had to try and top that. So the following year i got him a blimp with a terrible picture of i dont know if yo