Stephen the show is going pretty well. People seem to like it. Online i get likes from the tweets. Ive seen the comments. Thats called reverse trolling. People gang up on somebody, give them a lot of confidence, say theyre great, say how much they love them and make it sound sincere, like i did earlier. See you later. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trump. And the trumped up tax plan. Plus, stephen welcomes steve martin, Mark Feuerstein. And a musical performance by steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thank you very much thanks, everybody ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause now, ladies and gentlemen, you ever woken up and said to yourself, what can i do even in my own small way to make rich people richer . Well, if the answer is never, then you didnt write Donald Trumps tax plan. laughter yesterday in indiana, the president revealed the plan and made a solemn promise i am doing the right thing. And its not good for me. Believe me. Stephen i believe you. laughter doing the right thing never seems to be good for donald trump. Okay, what do people like . Racial equality and football. Okay, how do i ruin both of those at once . cheers and applause not sure what were applauding for but im all for it. But it looks like trump is how should i put this . Lying. Because, based on the last trump tax return we know anything about, this plan would have saved him 31 million in taxes. Thats 31 million to himself. Those are lotto numbers. I mean, thats not just powerball, thats im in powerball. laughter even though the g. O. P. Tax plan will benefit only the wealthy few, theyre pitching it to everybody else. See if you can guess what group Senate Republicans are trying to court with this message from South Carolina center tim scott i like to put it very simple we want to help you hashtag keep yo money. Stephen keep yo money, of course, was the catch phrase of the popular 90s show yo mtv tax. laughter its not like senator scott is the only republican who could have delivered that message. They could have gone with the g. O. P. s second most diverse senator, caucasian q. Whitington iii. laughter piano riff but they already have him promoting the bills original hashtag retain thy estate. laughter hey, remember how during the campaign, donald trump kept complaining about Hillary Clinton using a private email server for government work . That lock her up stuff . Well, this week, we learned that at least six of president trumps closest advisers used private email addresses to discuss white house matters, including ivanka trump, and jared kushner. But of course, donald trump has no problem with this, now. I havent seen trump go back on his word like this since he didnt build a border wall or repeal obamacare or give up his business or release his tax returns or never play golf. laughter hes flipflopping so often cheers and applause nice to have donald trump fans here tonight. Jon they love him. Stephen hes flipflopping so often, next sunday hes going to take a knee during the national anthem. laughter applause piano riff yeah. And this private email thing could have legal ramifications because kushner didnt disclose the fact that he was using personal email to the Senate Intelligence committee. I get it. You want to save some things for the trial, just to keep it spicy. laughter snrmplets and, apparently, the committee is not pleased. They sent kushner a letter, instructing him to turn over all relevant documents from his personal email account as well as all other email accounts. Bold and underlined. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Theyre whipping out the font on this guy. You bold and underlined. You only get results with the rough stuff. I hear down in gitmo, they use italics. Yeah. Even worse for jared, when his lawyer attempted to forward him the committees letter, he accidentally sent it to a fake kushner account run by a prankster. laughter and that prankster is now in charge of the opiod crisis and middle east peace. laughter jon oh, my goodness. Stephen now oh, theres big news out of the tweetosphere this week because, did you hear . Twitter just doubled the character limit for tweets to 280. audience reacts they have to because, as shakespeare so famously said, brevity is the soul of wit, but i got all these extra characters to fill blah, blah, blah, blah. Hashtag im really christopher marlowe. laughter piano riff and like Everything Else in the world, this is about money. See, twitters been around for 11 years, but the company has never turned a profit. But now its fixed. If 140 characters earned you zero dollars, then 280 characters will double that laughter thats just math. Yeah. Stephen but heres the thing twitter is doing a slow rollout of this new increased character limit with a select group of users, and donald trump isnt in the test group. laughter oh oh, no jon hes on there all the time applause stephen that is a huge diss jon yeah. Stephen thats our Foreign Policy jon thats the whole thing. Stephen thats his whole thing. Trump and twitter go together like nazis and tiki torches. laughter but i think its for the best. If trump had more than 140 characters, he could fit his message into one tweet, and then id miss the dot, dot, dot; dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Those are the only parts that arent lies. laughter applause lies. Lies piano riff jon yes. Stephen but theres a lot on the president s plate right now his new tax plan, the crisis in puerto rico, the threat of nuclear war with north korea which is why hes staying focused on football. Evidently, earlier this week, trump called Dallas Cowboys owner, jerry jones, four times in one day to talk about anthem stuff. Hey, jerry. Don again. So what do you really think about the flag kneeling . Oh, john kelly just walked in. Uh, thats right, president of china jackie chan. Thats my final offer, take it or leave it. Aloha cheers and applause im sorry about that. I had to read him the riot act. applause trump has called on the owners to fire players that protest, and he explained why that might be harder than you think. I have so many friends that are owners. They are in a box. I mean, i have spoken to a couple of them. They say, we are in a situation where we have to do something. I think theyre afraid of their players, you want to know the truth. Stephen yes, n. F. L. Owners are afraid of their players. Need proof . Look at these owners. Hes terrified. laughter the guy next to him has got gloves; hes going to strangle him. And look, this guys praying for his life. laughter just about everyone you can think of is weighing in on the n. F. L. Debate, and, yesterday, someone who you never think of did as well 90s action star and jeanclaude van dammes waterbed, Steven Seagal. laughter seagal showed up on a british morning talk show to discuss the matter. I believe that everyones entitled to their own opinion, but i dont agree that they should hold the United States of america or the world hostage by taking a venue where people are tuning in to watch a Football Game and, you know, imposing their political views. I respect the american flag, and i myself have risked my life countless times for the american flag. Stephen yes risked his life countless times for the american flag. And sure, none of that was real, but then again, neither is his hair. laughter you know, i think theres more Steven Seagal could have said on this issue, and i intend to do it, right now. Jon whoo get it together. Oh, snap oh, wow laughter applause stephen these Football Players have the fans under siege. They may think theyre above the law, but they may soon find themselves on deadly ground. Theyll find most americans are out for justice, because theyre feeling under siege 2, laughter stephen no because theyre feeling under siege 2, the sequel. laughter and if these protestors dont like this country, they can feel free to challenge me to mortal kombat. Wait, was i in that . Find out if i was in that. One things for sure, you mess with Steven Seagal, youre not only going straight to hell, youre going straight to dvd. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Steve martin is here. But when we return, awkward photos of beautiful celebrities, all for a good cause. Stick around. 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Enjoy the go with charmin. cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human cato on the guitar give it up for the band, everybody cheers and applause jon jon yes stephen jon, you know whats got me excited is we have the book here. We have a gentleman who brought a copy of the book with him, Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Id like to tell that man, you and everybody watching that im proud to say the midnight confessions we just found out is now a New York Times number one best seller. cheers and applause stephen thats it. There it is, man. You put it out. You put it out there. Somebodys going to put it in there, and we did it. I just have one quick confession. That is not true. I have no idea how many people bought it, but i hope a lot of people do because its a good book. Its a good book. Jon yeah stephen and it was a good feeling when i said we did that and thats the world i want to live in, okay. Jon yeah. Stephen i have one other confession here is i also have an ice cream called Stephen Colberts americone dream. If you havent tasted it, you have to check it out. Besides the fact you can never have too much dairy is the fact that all the money i receive from this goes to charity. The Americone Dream Fund which we usually give away at the end of the year. The staff gets together, we figure out where it goes and last night nick kroll was on, promoting his new show big mouth about puberty, and he was asking celebrities to tweet awkward photos of themselves when they were teens with the hashtag puberme. I dont have any awkward photos of my teen years, so instead i tweeted this suave guy. cheers and applause yeah. Thats me when i was 13. Hey, ladies, who wants to hear me recite from the silmarillion . laughter in the moment when we were talking about it, i thought, as long as were doing this hashtag, why not do some good here . It was a spurofthemoment idea and i had no idea how much money we had to give. Ile challenge you to put out an awkward picture of yourself, i will make sure that the colbert Americone Dream Fund will give money for ive which tweet to puerto rico relief. cheers and applause jon have a little fun. Yeah. Heres the thing, it was honestly a purr of the moment idea and i had no idea how much money we had to give so thats why before we broadcast last night, we actually lifted part of the interview out until i checked on the balance of the ice cream account. Now that weve checked on it, ill show you the part of the interview with nick we lifted because i asked nick to name how much i would donate per tweet of celebrity and this is what he said. How much money should go to each celebrity . A thousand dollars. Stephen jeez laughter well, i talked to jesus and hes in. Hes very generous. piano riff stephen yep, and im all in. Happy to announce that for every celebrity and again, i get to determine whos a celebrity who posts their awkward teen photo with the hashtag puberme, and hashtag puertoricorelief, the Americone Dream Fund will donate 1,000. To the one america appeal. Weve already got some great entries from colbertverified celebs. This actually came through today. Heres sarah silverman, looking cooler during puberty than i do right now. laughter aidy bryant sent this one. I believe this was the yearbook where she was voted most likely to become a thoughtful squirrel. laughter heres secret eats adam richman at his bar mitzvah. Before that ceremony, he was still just a boy versus food. laughter i love this one. This is Kumail Nanjiani preparing for what i assume was his Backstreet Boys audition. laughter there was the cute one, the bad boy, and then kumail was the one who always carries dice. laughter then theres the lovely and talented alison brie. This isnt a contest, but thats a winner. The headgear alone puts her in the top 1 of awkward. laughter so were already into the tens of thousands here, which is fantastic. cheers and applause i want you celebrities to step up and tweet those photos with hashtag puberme and hashtag puertoricorelief. I want to see bowl cuts, brace faces, a constellation of acne across your tzone. laughter and to make sure theres money in the fund, please go buy more Stephen Colberts americone dream ice cream. Do your duty and eat the whole pint. If you dont hate yourself in the morning, youre part of the problem. Well be right back with steve martin. cheers and applause its all popculture trivia, but it gets pretty intense. Ahh. The new guy. Whoa, he looks he looks exactly like me. No. Separated at birth much . We should switch name tags, and no one would know who was who. Jamie, you seriously think you look like him . Uh, im pretty good with comparisons. Like how progressive helps people save money by comparing rates, even if were not the lowest. Even if were not the lowest. Whoa wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. Look at us. Wow. I mean, the outfit helps, but pretty great. What is this . Its the new iphone, its for our anniversary. Our anniversary . Its thirtyfour days since we first met. I didnt. Get you anything. Oh its, its fine cuz. I got myself one too. Oh from you, for me, happy anniversary. I love it. That is very thoughtful of you. Thank you. Get the amazing new iphone 8. And with all at t unlimited plans, get hbo for life. Less than 40 per line for four lines. Only from at t. hard exhalation honey . Can we do this tomorrow . grunts of effort can we do this tomorrow . If you have Heart Failure symptoms, your risk of hospitalization could increase, making tomorrow uncertain. But entresto is a medicine that was proven, in the largest Heart Failure study ever, to help more people stay alive and out of the hospital than a leading Heart Failure medicine. Women who are pregnant must not take entresto. It can cause harm or death to an unborn baby. Dont take entresto with an ace inhibitor or aliskiren. If youve had angioedema while taking an ace or arb medicine, dont take entresto. The most serious side effects are angioedema, low blood pressure, kidney problems, or high potassium in your blood. Tomorrow, tomorrow. When can we do this again, grandpa . Well, how about tomorrow . Ask your doctor about entresto and help make tomorrow possible. Ask your doctor about entresto boy this is the story of a boy at Stanford Health care, we can now use a blood sample to detect lung cancer. If we can do that, imagine what we can do for asthma. And if we can stop seizures in epilepsy patients with a small pacemaker for the brain, imagine what we can do for multiple sclerosis, even migraines. If we can use patients genes to predict Heart Disease in their families, imagine what we can do for the conditions that affect us all. Imagine what we can do for you. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a grammyAward Winning banjo player. Hes also done a bit of comedy work. Please welcome steve martin cheers and applause band playing thank you very much thank you yeah stephen thank you for that. Thats what i was doing. Stephen i know. Nothing like a butt shine. Nice to see you again. Thank you very much. Stephen ive not seen you since you came on here with Edie Brickell to perform last night. You know what . Stephen what . That is exactly true. Good the way you figured that out. laughter stephen so what have you been up to . About 190. Stephen okay, good. laughter yeah, but i have been doing so much. I have a new album. I dont want to mak