Nuclear buttons so they can feel big and important. Ask your doctor is your heart is healthy enough to destroy the world. Do not take viagrageton if you are sane. Viagragedon do we all have to die because your penis is small . Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, tiny hands, big button. Plus, stephen welcomes America FerraraDavid Harbour and musical guest julien baker. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen anniversary nice. Lovely. Invigorating. Hey, everybody thanks so much. Please sit down, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen welcome, welcome cheers and applause theyre just theyre just theyre just screaming to keep warm, you realize. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And it is great cheers and applause thank you very much. Back at you. No, back at you for being here tonight. Its great to be with you, all of you here, together, physically intablght, skin still firmly on our faces. Because i bring it up, only because its a small story you may not have heard of it tonight were closer to thermonuclear than last night, which is a fun fact. And it all started on new years day . New years day. When north Korean Leader and stackable dictator, kim jongun, bragged, its not a mere threat but a reality that i have a Nuclear Button on the desk in my office. Yes, its true analysts didnt think north korea would ever achieve the Technology Necessary to create a desk. laughter and it was terrifying. It was a terrifying threat from a desperate nation led by an unstable madman, so our president met with his National Security team and did Everything Possible to deescalate this potentially cataclysmic confrontation. laughter im just kidding. He tweeted north Korean Leader kim jongun just stated that the Nuclear Button is on his desk at all times. will someone from his depleted and foodstarved regime please inform him that i, too, have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger and more powerful one than his, and my button works first of all, mr. Trump, you should be bragging about the size of your missiles. Okay . Buttons cheers and applause i dont know if he knows this traditionally, buttons are kind of a lady part. laughter as in, i dont think the president knows where to find the button. laughter cheers and applause plus i hope. I hope not. Dont know what that means. Plus, interesting fact about the Nuclear Button there is no button. It is not real. Its a metaphor. Unless they put a phony button on trumps desk. Right between the one that orders him a coke and the one he presses to hear what the cow says. Stupid cow, fake moos. laughter obviously my favorite joke. Obviously cheers and applause thank you, thank you. Thank you. Obviously, were kidding, and we kid because we dont want to die. At least i dont want to die this stupid, you know. I was hoping for something with more dignity, like slipping on a roller skate into the mouth of a yawning polar bear. Or choking on gum while dancing in my underwear to huey lewis and the news. Or being struck by the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile, surviving, only to be run over by its competitor, the Hebrew National beefwagon. cheers and applause meanwhile that would be a better way to die. Meanwhile, republicans have been silent about this. Nothing about the risk of thermonuclear response oh, obviously, other than mitch mcconnell. Duck and cover cheers and applause . Stephen but, remember, kids, under the desk. I think there might be a way, though, i really do think there might be a way to calm trump down about the size of his button. This is a message for the president. President obama. cheers and applause sir, youve given a lot for this country, but we need one more thing. We need you to go on national tv and say trumps penis is bigger than yours. No one will believe you, but only one person has to. For the love of god, sir, what choice do we have . cheers and applause in the meantime think hell do it . Do you think hell do it . I think he will. Hes a good man. In the meantime, if im gonna die, im gonna die doing what i love. Hit it its hip to be square its hip to be square its hip to be square its hip to be square but today laughter but today, we learned why trump may be acting like this. According to a new book called fire and fury, donald trump didnt want to be president. He didnt want him to win. Theres a name for that the majority of american voters. cheers and applause trump applause trump was planning on failing and walking away with the fame and the money. Or, as the article describes it, this was a reallife version of mel brooks the producers. in some ways, it still is. Just look at all the happy nazis jon ooooh. Stephen what . Am i being too hard on nazis . I didnt realize we had so many nazi fans here tonight. laughter its a brilliant plan. But then tragedy struck he won. Donald jr. Told a friend that, on election night, his father looked as if he had seen a ghost. Melania was in tears and not of joy. Really, melania cried on election night. That is the first thing we have in common. cheers and applause other than, of course, our smoky eyes. laughter cheers thank you. No, thank you. The campaign was in such disarray that his closest advisors had no faith in him, like trump strategist and Vincent Donofrio from men in black, steve bannon. Got any sugar water . When he came on board in august, bannon thought the campaign was done for. He described it as the broke dick campaign. Our previous president was a professor of constitutional law. But in Trumps Campaign early on, a Campaign Staffer was sent to explain the constitution to the candidate. You cant have a president who doesnt know what the constitution is. Thats like a pilot saying, attention, passengers, we are heading towards houston so just sit back and enjoy the flight. One quick thing, if anyone back there knows how to get to houston and land a plane, please, just push your call button. And im not sure which button that one sthough. laughter and nobody in trumps circle seemed to like him very much. During the transition trump called murdoch to float a plan that murdoch thought would alienate his base. When he got off the phone, murdoch reportedly shrugged and said, what a bleep idiot. Two things, mr. Murdoch, one, youre an australian. You have no right to talk about our president that way. And, 2, is australia current accepts application . Because ive heard our president is a bleep idiot. Even trump applause thank you, mr. Murdoch. All of this proves once again, which it comes to mr. Trump everything is exactly what you thought it was. His entire schtick is just trying to convince you youre crazy for seeing whats obvious which makes sense. Thats basically how you sell luxury real estate. Wait, why is this so expensive . And why is your name on the building you . Didnt even build it . Ill tell you, because its got gold leaf and faux marble floors and lots of fancy french stuff like a bidet and a foyer. By the way, dont get those two confused. Trust me. cheers and applause do you know what else is exactly how you think it is . Trump and his campaign and russia. Once again, lets go to another bombshell from former trump adviser and what happens when your syphilis gets herpes, steve bannon. laughter in his book in this book cheers and applause in this same book, bannon unloaded on don jr. For his Infamous Trump tower meeting with russians, saying, even if you thought that this was not treasonous or unpatriotic or bad bleep and i happen to think its all of that you should have called the f. B. I. Immediately. So he thinks manafort, don jr. , and kushner did something treasonous, unpatriotic, and bad bleep . Coincidentally, those are also their secret service code names. bleep best of all youre welcome. Youre welcome. Worst of all, bannon thinks they did it wrong. The three senior guys in the campaign thought it was a good idea to meet with a Foreign Government inside trump tower, when they should have done it at a holiday inn in manchester, new hampshire. So hes basically saying it was unpatriotic treason heres how i would have done it. laughter and bannon thinks they should have had their lawyers there so any information could then be dumped down to breitbart, or maybe some other, morelegitimate publication. More legitimate than breitbart . So bazooka joe comics. And and the placemat at long john silvers. Find the maize. Go through the maze. The collusion is at the center of the maze. And bannon is not confident that don jr. Can handle the pressure of testifying before congress, saying, theyre going to crack don jr. Like an egg on national tv. They sure are. Cnn is already running a promo. This is the senate. This is don jr. Testifying before the senate. Any questions . Stephen yeah, i have a question. How soon can that happen . This afternoon cheers and applause superbowl ratings. Superbowl rate. Ratings. This afternoon, trump fired back hard. Steve bannon has nothing to do with me or my presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job. He lost his mind. Now all he has to do is lose his dog, and hes gonna have an awesome country song. cheers and applause still thank you very much. Still applause still, lost his mind . Thats harsh. What kind of stuff has bannon been saying since he was fired . Every person in this country should get down every night and thank god donald trump is president of the United States stephen clearly insane. applause donald trump even downplayed bannons role on the campaign, saying, steve was a staffer who worked for me after i had already won the nomination yeah, bannon was just a staffer. Or as some people pronounce it campaign c. E. O. laughter though, trump argued, steve had very little to do with our historic victory. I do agree with trump there. That victory was the selfless, uncredited work of one eager young staffer. Trump, trump never never learned his name. Dont know who that kid is. That kids going places. Jon i never met him, yeah. Stephen trumped wrapped it all up by saying that while he and his supporters are trying to build the country back up, bannon is simply seeking to burn it all down. This guys crazy. I mean, he got me elected. Even i didnt want that. Weve got a great show for you tonight. America ferrara is here. But when we come back, donald trump wants his own award show. Stick around. Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. Chicken and steak for just 10. 99 chilis made some major fajita improvements 48 more meat, 10. 99 please sing it with us its 10. 99 chilis is back baby back baby back mmhmm oh baby chilis is back baby back baby back resolution 1 binge more. Join the uncarrier, and get four unlimited lines for only forty bucks each. Plus, netflix for the whole family. On us. So, they get their shows. Lets go, girl youre gonna love this bit and you get yours. Watch however you want. On your phone, tablet, or tv. For just forty bucks per line. With no extra charges. Lets rock this joint all on americas best unlimited network, tmobile. Try degree ultraclear black white saves your white clothes from yellow stains and black clothes from white marks still with 48 hour sweat protection. Try degree ultraclear black white it wont let you down with expedia, you can book a flight, then add a hotel, and save. Everything you need to go. Expedia band playing band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right there jon yeah stephen i love it i love it i love it you know, folks, its award season. Sunday is the golden globes. Im not nominated, so dont watch. But on monday, theres an award show everyone is going to be glued to, because last night, in between threatening nuclear war and going to sleep with his bedcheeseburger, donald trump tweeted, i will be announcing the most dishonest and corrupt media awards of the year on monday at 5 00. Subjects will cover dishonesty and bad reporting in various categories from the fake news media. Stay tuned oh, i will be. laughter i cant take my eyes off any part of your presidency. Its like watching a snake swallow democracy. Personally, im excited for the most dishonest and corrupt media awards of the year, or as we call them in the biz, the fakies. Because nothing gives you more credibility than donald trump calling you a liar. And i, of course, dont want to get snubbed. Thats why tonight and this is true i have placed a billboard in times square the failing New York Times square an laughter purchased a fullpage ad on my twitter feed with a for your consideration ad. Ooipg hoping cheers and applause yeah. Im hoping to be nominated in all categories, including, Outstanding Achievement in parroting george soros talking points, best sound mixing, best chex mixing, least breitbarty, the eric trump memorial award for disappointment, fakest dishonesty, corruptest fakeness, dishonestest corruption, and smallest button. laughter cheers and applause well be right back with america ferrera. applause feel the power of theraflu expressmax. New power. To fight back theraflus powerful new formula to defeat 7 cold and flu symptoms. Fast. So you can play on. Theraflu expressmax. New power. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. Life made more effortless through adaptability. The perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. . From far away. But they. Honly see his wrinkles. Hes gotta play it cool to seal the deal. Better find a way to smooth things over. If only harry used some. Bounce, to dry. Yeah he would be a less wrinkly, and winning at life. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back folks, my first guest tonight is an emmywinning actress and activist who currently stars in the sitcom superstore. Please welcome america ferrera. applause stephen good to see you. Good too see you. Happy new year. Stephen youre one of my most frequent guests. I think this is the fourth time you have been on the show in four years. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Happy new year. Stephen i know this is a very happy new year for you because you made a big announcement on new years eve. Tell the people. I am expecting my first child. cheers and applause stephen thats just great. Thank you. Stephen thats just great. How are you feeling . I feel good i feel really good. You know, aside from a completely sober new years eve, its going well. Stephen you didnt hit the clubs or the phone pit or Bottle Service or any of that stuff. I did not hit the clubs bof, but my dear husband built me a club in the apartment which means he got lights and a fog machine. Stephen seriously, he built you a club . He did. Stephen hold on to this one. I think i will. I was stonecoaled sober so it sort of felt like a junior high Party Everyone else was having a great time. Stephen how quickly did you get them out of the house after midnight . Right after midnight. It was, happy new, im pregnant, goodbye. Stephen first child. Pregnancy is super easy. Youre going to love it laughter . Thank you. Stephen my wife said its just great. I heard. Stephen no problems at all. Except the very last couple of minutes. laughter now, you did something oh, ive got a question for you. I always wanted to ask this. You are about to be a mother, and youve got to name your child. Youre named america yourself. Are you thinking of naming your child would you recommend naming your child after a land mass or idea. Would you want to name your child Something Like america . Im going to go with no. Im going to go with stephen has it been a burden being called america . Look, i love my name now. But growing up with the name america is not easy. And i just i dont want to put that on my child. Because i know what that feels like. So im going to go with something that is more of, like, a name. Stephen sure, sure. Yeah. Stephen stephens a nice name. Steve sen a nice name. Stephen very pretty name. Good on a girl. This is a very, very sweet picture. Here are you with some friends. You peefted this on instagram yesterday. There it is. Theres your babia male or female being inducted into sisterhood of the traveling pants right there. Thats absolutely right. Stephen those are magical pants, right . Blakes wearing the magic pants. Stephen shes wearing the magic pants . Yes. Stephen and im not up on the sisterhood of the traveling pants as i should be. They fit all of you magically. Stephen magically. Would the traveling pants fit you through all nine months of your pregnancy . Do you know what the word magic means, stephen . Yes. Theyre magic they would fit me all times. Stephen speak of magic, who would win aragorn or that guy wants to know. Hes about are those stephen in a fight would willingless or aragorn win. Are those drag glons okay, okay yes, they are. Youre a guest so i will say yes, they are. Have you seen lord of the ringses . Ive seen game of thrones. Stephen okay its like that. Its like that. Stephen its like that, but less, you know, bleep . Which is why i havent seen ti guess. Stephen thats probably why, thats probably why. Thats probably why. I forgot where we were. I apologize. You were part of the metoo campaign. And i helped start something id like to explain called times up. On monday, you and hundreds of other women in hollywood launched this campaign. Tell me what it is about. Its called times up, and its a campaign that was started by, as you say, hundreds of women in the Entertainment Industry who came together to say we have to leverage our resources, our access, our platform to better conditions for women across all industries in the workplace. cheers and