Fascinating. What else does he want to just be investigated . That the mayans built the temples to compete with maralago . Lets continue to investigate that. Did eric trump is really just a shaved sasquatch or shavesquatch . That will be revealed in time. Thank you, kellyanne conway. I hope this interview puts to rest the widespread notion you are actually 40 shrieking weasels in a translucent skin sack. Thank you. cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight the Conspiracy Theory. Plus stephen welcomes Cate Blanchett and marc maron, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo audience chanting stephen good to see you good to see you whoo cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody please have a seat, everybody thank you so much welcome to the late show, one and all. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause i have some good news. I didnt think it was possible, but donald trump can still shock me. laughter jon whoa, shock stephen its kind of nice, you know, after all these years, he can keep the relationship fresh. Just when you think, you know, hes been around for a while and youre not going to be shocked by him anymore, he pops up and scares the bleep out of you. laughter hes, like, leatherface but with more leather and way more face. laughter for instance, over the weekend, sex criminal Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his new york jail cell. Now, he apparently, they say and i guess they would know, though they cant say how laughter committed suicide, which is surprising because, three weeks ago, he was found unconscious with marks on his neck. How the marks got there, the authorities did not share with the public. And yet, epstein was left alone and not closely monitored. Now, maybe he was just in one of those prisons that really values inmate privacy laughter lovely. Then again, epstein knew a lot of powerful and important people, including alan dershowitz, former new mexico governor bill richardson, prince andrew, as well as president bill clinton and president donald trump. Its a whos who of whos Jeffrey Epstein . Ive never met Jeffrey Epstein. laughter thisas set off a wave of w conspiracy theories online. The sort of stuff that only unstable tinfoil hat loons could possibly believe, so donaldp. laughter piano riff cheers and applause trump fans, theyre coming around coming around because a few hours after epsteins body was found, trump shared a tweet and video that claimed without evidence that former president bill clinton and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton were responsible for epsteins death. audience reacts really . Really . Thats your theory . Im not saying the clintons dont have any power he could definitely get a reservation at any restaurant in new yorkparty saturday e not but masterminding a scheme to assassinate a high profile prisoner in maximum Security Federal custody . They couldnt even mastermind a visit to wisconsin. laughter cheers and applause piano riff but trump clearly thinks its the logical answer. as trump follow me down the rabbit hole here. Okay . Who had the most to gain from epsteins death besides me who is on videotape partying with him and young women . laughter and who controls all federal prisons . The president. Bill clinton laughter really . What . Me . How . laughter didnt they hear what i said on that bus . This is insane. Yes, it is insane, mr. President. The president of the United States is pushing a dangerous and completely unfounded murder Conspiracy Theory about his predecessor. It reminds me of f. D. R. s immortal words the only thing we have to fear is Herbert Hoover hes a lizard alien they walk among us run laughter cheers and applause stephen miss that man. This came right on the heels of trumps visits to dayton, ohio and el paso, texas. In a time of national tragedy, we look to the president to console a nation. But donald trump was looking to heal a deeper wound his ego. laughter aides say that when trump does something that he believes he should have been praised for, such as wednesdays visits to the cities, he grows furious when he does not receive accolades. as trump id just like to say to all those suffering here in dayton, youre welcome. laughter would it kill you to smile . audience reacts this would explain why, on his way to el paso, after trump saw negative news coverage, he screamed at his aides to begin producing proof that, in el paso, people were happy to see him. But not one of the eight patients still being treated wanted to meet with the president. cheers and applause as survivor i just survived a national tragedy, dont make me meet one. laughter cheers and applause thats really got to be a blow to trumps ego. as trump they dont want to meet me . Who do they think they are . A championship sports team . laughter i even brought a table of congealed big mac. laughter it congeals into one larger mac. laughter piano riff to compensate, administrators brought back two patients who had already been discharged who expressed a willingness to meet with the president. That must have been a strange call. as patient on phone whats that, doctor . You need me to come back to the hospital . Theres an infection . And it wants a picture with me . cheers and applause piano riff the press were not allowed inside the hospital, but cellphone video showed trump consoling the survivors in the only way he knew how by talking about his el paso rally from february. That was some crowd. Nk you for all you do. We had twice the number outside. And then you had this crazy beto. Beto had like 400 people in a parking lot and they say his crowd was wonderful. Stephen a beautiful sentiment, which is why every time i head to a funeral i console the family with my straight as report card from 8th grade. Pretty great. Pretty great. cheers and applause i have a confession to make, i tid not make one a in eighth grade. laughter one of the patients invited back to the hospital to meet the president was an infant boy who lost both his parents in the shooting. This is an unspeakable tragedy that will alter the childs life forever, so, naturally, in the photo, trump is smiling, and giving a big thumbs up. Who does that . as trump hey, whos got two thumbs and puts them up at the worst possible time . This guy. And his critics arent the only ones who noticed the weirdness. Such pictures have concerned white house aides, who have encouraged him to strike a more empathetic tone. What his aides dont understand is that trump has only one photo pose and he uses it with everyone beauty pageant winners, dictators, other dictators, lil jon and taco bowls. laughter as trump im sorry for your loss, taco bowl. laughter piano riff of course, its only 15 months until the next election. Who will be the democratic nominee to be accused of murder by donald trump . laughter lets get after it in tonights doin it donkey style. cheers and applause double donks once every four years, candidates descend on the iowa state fair to narrow the field by clogging their arteries. And this weekend they opened wide Kamala Harris tore into a pork chop, bernie redistributed a corndog to his face, andrew yang promised this turkey leg a thousand dollars if it voted for him. Even vegan corey booker ate a deepfried Peanut Butter and jelly sandwich on a stick. audience reacts as a vegan, i assume booker also ate the stick. laughter piano riff of course, some Democratic Candidates are trying to differentiate themselves from the pack by releasing plans. And my favorite so far is this one Bernie Sanders says that, if hes elected, hell reveal whether aliens are real. laughter applause as bernie aliens exist, and its time for higher taxes on those who live long and prosper everyone deserves universal probe coverage e. T. Phone your congressman because, for too long, 1 of the alfs have eaten 90 of the cats the republican Healthcare Plan is a cook book. Its a cook. Book. laughter piano riff one candidate had a particularly bad weekend in iowa, former Vice President and guy about to eat a deepfried microphone, joe biden. laughter it all started when biden spoke at a town hall in des moines and said a whoopsie. We have this notion that somehow if youre poor you cannot do it. Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids wealthy kids, black kids, asian kids. No, i really mean it. Leave it to joe we choose truth over facts. Stephen as biden we choose truth over facts hope over optimism faith over belief and always, synonyms over words that mean the same thing. cheers and applause piano riff news of bidens gaffe got back to the president , who tweeted joe biden just said, we believe in facts, not truth. Does anybody really believe he is mentally fit to be president . Nice try, mr. President , but biden didnt say facts not truth. He said truth over facts. You got being wrong wrong laughter applause piano riff i believe this is a case of the pot calling the kettle mentally unfit. Take a look at the oranges the oranges of the uhh investigation. The diversary lottery. Diversary and diversity. By an enominous really an annonymush. The combat infantroopen. Advising larmarkers. We appreciate it very much, tim apple. Nambia. Tanzaynia. Venewellas. God bless the United Stateshh. cheers and applause stephen see, mr. President piano riff mr. President , youre not one to talk. Seriously, please stop talking. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Cate blanchett is here. But when we return, trumps got a new friend, same as the old friend. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing this is something big. This is something bigger. That is big. Not as big as that. Big. Bigger. Big. Bigger. This is big. And thats bigger. Dont stop, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you whoa i cant feel the heat but one blows them allmany moisturizers. Out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and try our hydrating makeup. Ok ill admit. I didnt keep my place as clean as i would like cuz im way too busy. Whos got the time to chase around down dirt, dust and hair . So now, i use heavy duty swiffer sweeper and dusters. For hardtoreach places, duster makes it easy to clean. It captures dust in one swipe. Ha gotcha and sweeper heavy duty cloths lock away twice as much dirt and dust. It gets stuff deep in the grooves other tools can miss. Yknow what . My place. Is a lot cleaner now. Stop cleaning. Start swiffering. No wait ugh, sorry its ok [laughs out of breath] oh you got a fast one there just cant get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it. You got it were petsmart cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and s h cheers and applause jon singing brocket stephen jon, theyre excited. Ive got two lovely people tonight jon oh, yeah, oh, yeah stephen please have a seat, everybody schmed piano riff sit down. Im very excited. Jon, weve got two lovely guests here tonight. Jon yes. Stephen we have our friend marc maron is going to be on in just a little while. Jon podcast innovator cheers and applause stephen in just a moment sitting right over there will be Cate Blanchett, cate the great. I got a few butterflies. I rarely get that. I cant remember whos going to be next. But now cate jon oh, my goodness oh, my goodness cheers and applause stephen dont tell her i said that, i would be embarrassed. Jon i wont say a word. Stephen you know, before thes overhere, exaining thanaldc dssucks at foreign policdeuprai. One of them was hosted by real estate mogul and alfred e. Old man, stephen ross. laughter this was controversial. Because last week it was revealed that ross company owns equinox and soul cycle, which angered many people enough to cancel their memberships. Personally, i was so mad, i cancelled my gym membership 15 years ago. laughter okay . Take that, my body. cheers and applause at a second fundraiser that night, the president really cut loose, because, during his speech, trump put on a fake japanese accent to recount his conversations with shinzo abe over trade tariffs. Now, we dont have any audio, or video, but ebl it sounded a Little Something like this as edward g. Robinson myah see . Im shinzo abe, see . I run this pacific rim, see . Land of the rising sun, mister . Domo arriagato, mr. Roboto. laughter applause thats my de niro. Thats Robert De Niro doing an impression of shinzo abe. laughter trump said he was impressed that shinzo abes father was a kamikaze pilot in world war ii. An unsuccessful one, evidently. laughter on his way to the fundraisers, trump was jazzed about something he had just received i got a very beautiful letter from kim jong un yesterday. It was hand delivered and it wasnt touched by anybody. They literally take it from north korea to my office. laughter stephen handdelivered . For a guy whos the leader of the free world, hes awfully impressed by the concept of mail. laughter as trump a man in an official uniform, gray, shorts, pith helmet, handdelivered it to me. And you can tell it was meant for the president because the stamp was an american flag. laughter forever. Said forever. He thinks i should be president forever. cheers and applause piano riff trump wouldnt describe the contents of the letter, but later tweeted, in a letter to me sent by kim jong un, he stated, very nicely, that he would like to meet and start negotiations as soon as the joint u. S. south korea joint exercises are over. It was a long letter, much of it complaining about the ridiculous and expensive exercises. Thats your president , calling our military training to defend south korea from a murderous Nuclear Madman ridiculous. What an inspiring commanderinchief as trump once more into the breach, i guess. Even though, if you think about it, weve already been into the breach. Going back just seems kind of stupid and expensive. At least thats what the leader of the breach told me in a beautiful letter. laughter applause but trump really believes he and kim are best buds. In fact, at the fundraiser, he claimed, people say he only smiles when he sees me. as trump and he doesnt just smile. Often, he points at me and laughs. laughter but, youre right, mr. President , kim jong un does smile at you and at apples, childrens shoes, cosmetic displays, giant tires, light bulbs, mushrooms, a big plaster octopus, and, of course, industrial lube. laughter i believe thats the factory that makes the president s soft serve bronzer. Well be right back with Cate Blanchett. cheers and applause band playing hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. For the irresistible taste of temptations™ treats. What are you doing . Oh hey, check this out. Temptations ™. All it takes is a shake™. Depend® fitflex underwear for all day fun. All it takes features maximum absorbency, ultra soft fabric and new beautiful designs for your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Look its a hmm. Whale. I dont know. Thats it. Suit up haha watch the fur ahhh. What do you see in your cheetos . Wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. Doordash has the most restaurants across america. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. First order, 0 delivery fee. Delicious, delivered. cheers and applause band playing stephen hello, everybody cheers and applause hi listen listen cheers and applause folks, m my first guest tonit is a twotime Academy Awardwinning actress you know from lord of the rings, blue jasmine, and oceans 8. She stars in the new film whered you go, bernadette. Please welcome back to the late show, Cate Blanchett cheers and applause band playing jon oh, my lord stephen hi cheers and applause lovely, arent they . So nice. Wow stephen yeah. Theyve all drunk the koolaid. Stephen they sure have. They have good taste. Its a gladtorial sport. Stephen coming out here . Because i have a lot riding on tonight. Stephen how so . My husband, three sons and mother is here, my dear friend maria simple is here, her daughter and friend. Basically, the audience, i know them all. cheers and applause stephen wel i just want to get something out of the way that i always wanted to say to you when f you were on the show, you have to endure this for a second, there are fantastic appearances in lord of the rings, but you have an of character. Rfect impersonation thank you so much stephen galadriall is a she wolf on the edge, taking the ring, perhaps. You would have played it so beautifully. Stephen i can still play cheers and applause no, no, no. I passed the test. I will remain stephen and pass it to the west. The first time i met you, you were dressed as a hobbit at comic conn and then i came on the show and it took me ten minutes in the interview to go, oh, my god that is the same human. Stephen right. Its nice to be remembered by a person you admire. Yes. Stephen okay, so i just found out that you are a u. S. Citizen. I am. Stephen i did not know this. Your father was born in texas . My father was born in texas, and my mothers australian, and im married to a british citizen, so i sit in some weird fork in the road. Stephen right. Yeah. Stephen in the new movie, whered you go, bernadette, your honor character is bernadette, and were all wondering where you go. Where you go. laughter stephen she disappears. I wont give anything away to say you go to antarctica, right . Yes, you know, im a huge maria simple fan and i love the book and richard link letter was making the movie and i thought that was an interesting smashup but the character disappears. Stephen shes a stressed out mother. Is there any other kind . Stephen i suppose. So you have four children of your own. I do. Stephen is the movie a sudden warning to your children . Yes, if movie goes to the bathroom, dont knock too loud. You have kids, but you look older now you look incredibly young, but i mean when i say older now laughter stephen you, too, you