Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 14, 2024

And hes Battle Tested because hes already waged allout war with chrissy teigen. Whos the pussyassed bitch now . cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert stephen welcomes Tom Hiddleston and marie osmond, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo come on welcome one and all, down here, up there, hey, everybody welcome so happy to see you. Welcome one and all, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff theres big doins is what there is. I mean, the wheel keeps on turning. On saturday, a major Oil Processing facility in saudi arabia was knocked out by drone strikes. Responsibility was immediately taken by Houthi Rebels. Also known as houthi and the blowup bleep . laughter its the translation. now, these Houthi Rebels are in yemen, so, were going to bomb iran. laughter or not. Ill tell you all about it in tonights america at wha . laughter while the houthis claim they did it, the administration blames the houthis allies, iran. According to one intelligence expert, this is the handiwork of a sophisticated, most likely state actor, and most likely the work of a government or governmentsponsored group, and argued that such an attack could not be carried out with ten drones, which the houthis claimed to have used. Yes, drones are highlyadvanced tech. So theyve narrowed down the suspect to iran or your dad who just bought a quadcopter at best buy. laughter totally sweet. Were taking the Family Picture. Were taking the Family Picture this way this year. Were doing the Christmas Card everybody in the yard, everybody oh, i blew up an oil refinery. laughter piano riff anyway, our top intelligence officials think iran did it, and so does our top unintelligence official donald trump. laughter cheers and applause ri who tweeted as trump Saudi Arabia Oil supply was attacked. There is reason to believe that we know the culprit, are locked and loaded depending on verification. Hold it right there. You dont get to be locked and loaded and wait on verification. laughter dirty harry didnt say as dirty harry go ahead, make my day. Once youve been found guilty by a jury of your peers, punk. He continued, as trump waiting to hear from the kingdom as to who they believe was the cause of this attack, and under what terms we would proceed oh, i keep forgetting that Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman now tells the u. S. President who to attack and how. Amrent 500 room, get a free war laughter this morning, after the attack, crude Oil Prices Rose sharply, but trump says never fear, tweeting, based on the attack on saudi arabia, which may have an impact on oil prices, i have authorized the release of oil from the Strategic Petroleum reserve. Which, of course, is his nickname for don jrs scalp. laughter cheers and applause trump accent we hit a gusher. Then, trump put everyones minds of oil plenty plenty of oil. Sounds like siri accidentally recorded trumps k. F. C. Order. laughter oh, i love it. I love it when it squirts down the throat, man. Jon original recipe. Stephen original recipe, only way to go. laughter now, this afternoon, trump invited reporters into the oval office to attend a president ial manspreading, and delivered a brand new episode of chair chat open. Trump held todays chair chat with the crown prince of bahrain, and answered some questions about americas potential new war with iran. I dont want war with anybody. I am somebody that would like not to have war. We have the Strongest Military in the world. We have the best equipment in the world, we have the best missiles. But, no, i dont want war with anybody. Stephen as trump as you know, i will do anything , ll say heplane laughter cheers and applause they do. So sad. Its so its so, so sad. Its so its so its so its so sad. piano riff and he drove home the point that america is prepared. The United States is more prepared than any country in the history of of, in any history. laughter stephen as trump of of. You know the thing we live on. Big, flat, dragons on the edges. laughter piano riff sun goes over it. What else . Hey, you know who i thought id never be talking about again . Supreme Court Justice and man booing and man seen here calmly enjoying his beer, Brett Kavanaugh. Specifically, i didnt think id be talking about hispenis again. But theres a new book by two New York Times reporters that has a new allegation of Sexual Assault by Brett Kavanaugh and more corroboration of the story told by one of bretts former yale classmates, deborah ramirez. If youll remember, she says that, while at a party, kavanaugh thrust his penis in her face and she had to bat it away. laughter ramirez was not from a privileged background, and she says this incident reinforced the idea that, at yale, they invite you to the game, but they never show you the rules or where the equipment is. Oh, unfortunately, he showed you where the equipment is. laughter and in the book, max stier, a former male classmate of classmate of kavanaugh, claims to have seen kavanaugh at a dorm party forcing his penis with the help of his friends into a female students hand. With the help of his friends . laughter i cant even get mine to help me move. laughter and i offered penis laughter jon oh oh cheers and applause piano riff i offered pizza and i offered pizza and no penis. I promise you laughter this other woman, who has not been identified, says she has no memory of it and doesnt want to be interviewed. And the president wants kavanaugh to fight back, tweeting, Brett Kavanaugh should start suing people for libel, or the Justice Department should come to his rescue. Arent supposed to come to his rescue . Is william barr supposed to write a misleading fourpage summary of his junk . laughter trump also has a weird theory about why this is coming back up now the radical left democrats and their partner, the lamestream media, are after Brett Kavanaugh again, talking loudly of their favorite word, impeachment. He is an innocent man who has been treated horribly. Such lies about him. They want to scare him into turning liberal laughter look, liberals dont need Brett Kavanaugh. Between Harvey Weinstein and kevin spacey, were all good on bad penises. cheers and applause laughter stephen pizza. Pizza. Jon yeah, stephen switching gears completely. Almost every day we get a new mustsee moment from former Vice President and man asking, if theyre unlimited breadsticks, why cant i take some home in a ziploc . Joe biden. laughter an old video from 2017 went viral this weekend. And in it, biden tells a story from his youth, when he was the only white lifeguard at a predominately black delaware pool. Makes sense. Lifeguard is the Vice President of the pool largely ceremonial, no one listens to you, and you have a whistle. laughter biden told the story at a ceremony in which the city named that pool after him, and it turned into a weird rambly story about a guy named corn pop. Corn pop was a bad dude, and he ran a bunch of bad boys. And i did back in those days to show how things have changed, one of the things you had to use, if you used pomade in your hair, you had to wear a bathing cap, and so he was up on the board, wouldnt listen to me, i said hey esther, you, off the board, or ill come up and drag you off. Stephen okay, okay, i got back in those days, pomade, bathing cap, 1940s film star esther williams. I have grandpa bingo cheers and applause piano riff so biden told corn pop to get off the diving board for breaking the rules, and corn pop had another offer. Well, he came off and he said ill meet you outside. He was waiting there for me with three guys and straight razors. Not a joke. There was a guy named bill wright, mouse, the only white guy guy and he did all the pools. He was the mechanic. There used to be a chain that went across the deep end. And he cut off a six foot length of chain. So, i walked out with the chain. laughter stephen yes, joe biden fights with a chain, also known as getting smacked with the rust belt. laughter so biden had the chain, but corn pop and the gang had some gnarly weapons of their own. In those days, remember the straight razors youd bang them on the curb, get them rusty, put them in the rain barrel, get them rusty. Stephen the rain barrel . They would dip them in the saltwater taffy vat. laughter is this what kids were doing in the early 60s . Because i think we need to reevaluate how bad screen time is. as parent little timmy has been watching a lot of youtube, but he has not cut a bitch in months laughter cheers and applause jon six of one, half dozen of the other, you know. Stephen now, i know what youre thinking, youre thinking how did this story end . And, also, did this story end . It did. Biden apologized, corn pop accepted, and they joined up to balletfight their real enemies, the sharks and jets. laughter pow pow piano riff cheers and applause crazy boy easy easy, corn pop cheers and applause i like a lot of what joe biden says. All this sounds too insane to be true, but the former mayor of wilmington, delaware, confirmed corn pop was the real person, saying he was real as the moon in the sky. Does everyone in this story sound like theyre in a frank capra movie . as old man oh i remember the dustup between joe and corn pop it was as real as the song in your heart the first time you see a ladys gams. laughter if this story is true, then its a critical moment in u. S. History. Which is why weve brought it to life with this painstakingly accurate historical reenactment. Hey its malarkey ends here, corn pop. Oh, really . Tell that to the balanced breakfast gang thats 2 milk, sliced banana and toast. This is about respecting the law of the pool. No bouncing on the board, no swimming after you eat and no running by the pool. You could slip and hurt yourself, and then i would have to hit you with this chain. I miss you corn pop, this guys eyes are filling with blood. Hes crazy. Just thinking of barack obama, my best friend in the world. Hes currently one year old. Just looking out for you and sorry i called you Ester Williams because i realize now even in 1962 thats a really old reference. Joe, youre not so bad. Youre not my favorite, but youre fine. Lets get out of here, boys. Nice guy. Wonder why they call him corn pop. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Tom hiddleston is here. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. cheers and applause band playing s human, everybody s and appla cheers and applause oh, jon jonathan, johnathan cheers and applause jon hey stephen jon, tonight, im very excited. We have our old friend Tom Hiddleston here tonight jon Tom Hiddleston is here cheers and applause stephen you know what . When i found out, i made the same noise. Tomorrow, get ready for the same noise, Elizabeth Warren sitting right there. cheers and applause unbelievable. Unbelievable. You know, i spend a lot of time over there whipping the biggest news stories of the day into the light, delicate, chiffon cake stiff peaks that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to sweep up some leftover flour, toss in some water, salt, maybe discarded pork grease, then flatten it out, poke holes in it and bake it under the basement boiler to make the civil war hardtack biscuf mnwle cheers and applause keeps america going piano riff meanwhile, a librarian went viral this weekend when she posted a picture of a book that had been returned to the library with a full taco inside. laughter how dare you ruin something so beautiful and precious. With a book. laughter the book had a 50 late fee, plus extra for guac. Meanwhile, new york plans to deal with its rat problem by drowning them in booze. cheers and applause aaand thats one more thing to add to my list of problems that can be drowned in booz laughter put that right down there. Ill put that cheers and applause ill put that right under pants no longer fit, and wife done gone. laughter cheers and applause laughter meanwhile, speaking of booze, a drunk woman swallowed a 6inch spoon and forgot. Yknow, i thought i knew what being drunk was. But i have never been poopingthesilverware drunk. laughter meanwhile, the duchess of sussex, meghan markle, Just Launched a small fashion line, which was an immediate smash. In fact, before it could even hit the shelves the bag is already sold out. There hasnt been a monarchymerch tiein this successful since royal consort prince alberts mansatchel. Victoria called it fun, useful, and looks great dangling from your arm. And the bags nice, too. laughter cheers and applause looks good. Looks good. Meanwhile, in toy news a new day of the dead barbie celebrates the mexican holiday. Beautiful and i assume itll be a much more popular holiday doll than st. Patricks day ken. laughter well be right back with Tom Hiddleston. cheers and applause band playing for the irresistible taste of temptations™ treats. What are you doing . Oh hey, check this out. Temptations ™. All it takes is a shake™. Oooooooooo. Ill show you something neeeeeewwww. Im gonna make you moooooove. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Neeeeeewwww. Ill show you something, ill show you something. Here i go again on my own goin down the only road ive ever known like a drifter i was born to walk alone . Barb you left me hangin on the high harmony there. If you ride, you get it. Geico motorcycle. 15 minutes could save you 15 or more. Depend® silhouette™ briefs feature maximum absorbency, with trusted protection for all out confidence. 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Thats the kind lincolns about. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show, already in progress. Void where prohibited. cheers and applause certain restrictions may apply. Hey, everybody, welcome back to the show my first guest is an actor best known for thor, war horse and the night manager. Hes now making his broadway debut in Harold Pinters betrayal. Please welcome, Tom Hiddleston cheers and applause band playing stephen no, no, maestro, please cheers and applause welcome back nice to see you again. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you, stephen. Stephen pleasure. How have you been . I have been very well. audience shouting stephen they really like you. Thank you very much. Stephen i think people are excited to see you because they like your past work, but theyre also really excited about news that came out this summer that it turns out there is going to be a disneyplus series called loki. Yes. Stephen you are in this. I am. Stephen you are loki. Now, lets see, you can tell me nothing, im guessing. Well, i can tell you this, actually, the end of the years since avengers infinity war and avengers end gawh came out this spring, two questions i have been asked, is loki really dead, and what loki doing with that cube. laughter , and this series will answer both of those questions. cheers and applause stephen okay, great. Well, until the series is here, let me just ask, is loki really dead . laughter and what is he doing with that cube, tom . i understand theres time travel in this, that much we know. That much we know, tom this has been revealed disney called and said its okay laughter theres time travel in the first episode, its got to be you going back to kill baby, right . Wow. Stephen can you tell me anything that its not . laughter is it a musical . laughter but youve also played a lot of shakespeare, and im just curious, what is a few shakespeare fans here. Who have you played . Shakespeare. Stephen professionally. Posthumous, casio and and othello, hamlet. Stephen theres a big one. First question, to be or not to be, tom . laughter thats the question, man. Its a big question. Stephen yeah. Its a big question to open with. Stephen a really big question. I wonder if anybody ever asked that question. Stephen i dont know. I mean, its the question. Stephen whether its nobler scwoaght shakespeare cheers and applause to die or to sleep no more. By sleep to say we end a heartache and a thousand natural shocks stephen to die, to die, to sleep per chance to dream, ah, theres the rub. cheers and applause piano riff stephen do i get knighted now . Yes, you do. Stephen compare, like, stage combat to marvel combat. Like, whats it like to fight laiertes as opposed to Chris Hemsworth . Fighting Chris Hemsworth, youre going to lose, lets face it, where at least i suppose laiertes is going to lose because its in the script. On film, its all about angles when youre fighting. So youre trying to get the angles of the different part of the choreography to tell the st

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