I didnt go to them. Perfect. And what did the ukrainians say to you . Was it about the illuminati ruining my first marriage . They said, we have shocking evidence fascinating. And do you have the evidence . I have an affidavit here thats been online for six months that nobody bothered to read. It appears to be a big foot riding the loch ness monster whos offering a bribe. The proof is undeniable. Whos involved . Joe bidens son, john kerrys stepson, hillary clinton, george soros, Stormy Daniels and the thornton group, and that was owned by Whitey Bulgers nephew. Thank you for being here, rudolph. And now my socks are gone cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, spinpeachment, plus stephen welcomes Hillary Rodham clinton, Chelsea Clinton and wilco, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its stephenrt cheers and applause theme song playing stephen come on hello there how are you . Whoo whoo thats just dumb so stupid have a seat, everybody thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. I hope you all had a nice weekend. My family got a new puppy. cheers and applause jon, i know you guys played the Global Citizen festival in central park. Jon yes, thats right. Stephen that looked fantastic jon rolling on telling the truth stephen meanwhile, down in washington, d. C. , the president and hiesountai w wased in e carnous maof stupid. laughter and they all got on the crazy train for one reason to try and confuse everyone about a very simple story. Its don and the giant impeach. laughter once upon a time. Jon come on, don stephen once upon a time, donald trump called the president of ukraine and asked the foreign leader to investigate joe biden. The end of his presidency, you would think. laughter we know this because a whithouse released aeblew and transcript that confirmed everything the whistleblower said. Its all in the new movie i know what i did last summer and now you do too because i released the transcript. cheers and applause good movie. Scary. Super scary movie. Now, the white house doesnt have a lot of options left. You know that phrase, hey, dont kill the messenger . Trump doesnt know that phrase, because he tweeted, like every american, i deserve to meet my accuser, especially when this accuser, the socalled whistleblower, represented a perfect conversation with a foreign leader in a totally inaccurate and fraudulent way. cheers and applause okay. Okay. First of all first of all, you only have the right to meet you accuser in a court of law. And i certainly hope you get that opportunity. cheers and applause piano riff jon hey hey piano riff applause stephen second, when you say your accuser, can you narrow that down, because there are a lot of them. cheers and applause youre going to have to handle it like an Elizabeth Warren selfie line. as trump hi, im donald. What are you accusing me of . Great, youre a liar. Selfie next . Oh, you dont want me to touch you . I understand. Thats the accusation . There you go. There you go. applause after that, trump swerved midtweet to hit another target then schiff made up what i actually said by lying to congress dot dot dot dot dot dot his lies were made in perhaps the most blatant and sinister manner ever seen in the great chamber. He wrote down and read terrible things, then said it was from the mouth of the president of the United States. I want schiff questioned at the highest level for fraud treason. as trump and by highest level, i mean dangle him from the top of the Washington Monument by his ankles a ask hything y want to take back, liddle adam . laughter oh, oh, down below. Jon thats cold. Stephen then trump brought the tweet home i want to meet not only my accuser, who presented second and third hand information, but also the person who illegally gave this informatioassthichn,lyer l. Ar e was this person spying on the u. S. President . Big consequences booing laughter stephen thats a lot. Thats a lot. Big consequences . For what . Finding out someone did something bad and thenling about iisnt spying, its talking. laughter if i see a guy pooping on the subway platform and notify the transit police, that doesnt make me james bond. laughter . Or does it . cheers and applause jon come on, james applause stephen hello, m. This is 007. I need to report a 002 on the number 3 train. laughter cheers and applause there are rumors. Jon sean connery stephen there are a lot of rumors im the next bond. laughter this afternoon, at the white house, trump tried to clear things up. Unfortunately, he used his mouth so it got more confusing. The statement i made to the president of the ukraine, good man, nice man, new, was perfect. It was perfect. But the whistleblower reported a totally different statement. Like the statement was not even made. I guess statement you could say with call. I made a call. laughter stephen oh, he does have the best words. Theyre just stuck in the very worst brain. laughter as trump i guess made call. laughter now normally, reporters are the ones who exit, but today, rather than answer any more questions, the president did this there was a lot of corruption having to do with the 2016 election, against us. And, we want to get to the bottom of it. It is very important that we do. Mr. President , do you see impeachment as inevitable, sir . Is it inevitable you will be impeached . cheers and applause stephen gotta say, even in a small dose, its great to see trump leave office. But trump isnt just tweeting a lot, hes also been retweeting, including this clip from fox and friends featuring, conservative radio host and mean billy joel, marc levin. The interview got off to a rocky start. Are you okay with a president asking his counterpart this is a simply yes or noto dig up dirt on former Vice President joe biden and his son . Are you okay with that . First of all, your question is not honest. So i dont give yes or no thats a quote from the transcript, sir let me finish, ed. You have all morning. I have two minutes. Its not an honest question. Stephen it was so tense, they changed the name to, fox and hey, i thought we were friends laughter trump tweeted the video because levin also wants to out the whistleblower. Im an american citizen if this c. I. A. Operative is going to be the guy that brings down my president , i want to know all about him i want to know what kind of dogs they have, how many marriages theyve had, if they have a d. U. I. , i want to know if theyre a partisan, i want to know everything. Stephen as levin we need to know everything. How many dogs does he have . Are they cute dogs . Does he have a picture . Can i see the picture . Is he a good boy . Whos a good boy . cheers and applause at long last, sir who . laughter trump was so pleased by levins performance, that he retweeted 20 tweets about levins performance, including one tweet from an account called trump, but about sharks which is a novelty twitter account that replaces words in trumps tweets to make them about sharks. Which is why it says, amen mark levin, preach brother you shut down ed henry and the pro shark media. laughter cheers and applause the president of the United States just tweeted the phrase, proshark media, which means weve officially entered the dumbest time in human history. Beating the previous dumbest time, when we thought a spooky bird mask could protect you from the plague. Congrats bird mask cheers and applause band playing clapping in time stephen okay. Thank you, doctor. And were learning wno from ukraine has another cast member because we just found out that secretary of state mike pompeo took part in the trumpzelensky phone call. audience reacts what was it, some sort of party line . as sultry announcer do you want to coerce a foreign leader into being your dirty little political opposition researcher . Or are you a naughty secretary of state who just likes to listen in . Call 1900quidproquickie. cheers and applause piano riff this is a fun update, given the fact that mr. Pompeo said last week that he hadnt yet read the whistleblowers complaint in its entirety. Of course he hadnt read it, he was there laughter its the reason why i dont finish taping this show, and say, okay, lets go read my monologue. laughter at this point, if youre defending trump, youre either a complete lapdog, or completely oblivious. And sometimes youre both like House Minority leader and happy business squirrel, Kevin Mccarthy. laughter mccarthy sat down on 60 minutes, and scott pelley read the damning transcript. What do you make of this exchange . President zelensky says, we are almost ready to buy more javelins from the United States for defense purposes. And President Trump replies, i would like you to do us a favor though. Well, you just added another word. No, its in the transcript. He said, id like you to do a favor though . Yes, its in the white house transcript. Stephen wow. laughter Kevin Mccarthy clearly didnt do his reading before class. as student in the end, turns out the greatest gatsby was the friends we made along the way. laughter things look bad. So pelley gave mccarthy the chance to explain how republicans respond. How do you expect the president s defense to roll out Going Forward . The defense of what . Well, theres an impeachment inquiry. Yeah. Stephen where has Kevin Mccarthy been . as mccarthy on phone hello, cbs . Id love to come on 60 minutes. Yes, ive been in a coma at the bottom of an elevator shaft for the last week, so im coming in cold, lets wing it. laughter piano riff trump also got some support from South Carolina senator and regret made flesh, lindsey graham. Graham appeared yesterday on face the nation and things got so hatlid eathmaonde a ainooe pt i think this thing stinks and let me tell you about republicans you want to know about republicans . Republicans believe that youre guilty just by the accusation. audience reacts jon whoa wait a minute is quite a freudian slip as graham yes, republicans are unjust, unfair s, anhad i wowantt tot and marry mommy mommy warm. laughter and no sunday press blitzkrieg would be complete without trump senior policy advisor and societyiopathic hardboiled egg stepheneblos compint on fox news sunday. A partisan hit job does not make you a whistleblower just because you go through the whistleblower protecact. First of all, if you read thetion sevenpage, little nancy drew novel that the whistleblower put together, it drips with indignation and contempt for the nc nident. En ap laughter i bet its titled nancy drew and the transcribed crime. laughter applause its a quickead. Read. R jon just roll right through it. Stephen . Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight hillary and Chelsea Clinton are here but when we come back, ill still be here, and well be doin it donkey style. Stick around dramatic orchestra performance comes in lots of flavors. Theres the ampedup, overtuned, feedingfrenzyof sheetmetalkind. And then theres performance that just leaves you feeling better as a result. Thats the kind lincolns about. Whats the time . Device a dime is ten cents. Severe cold or flu . Take control with theraflu. Powerful, soothing relief to defeat your worst cold and flu symptoms fast. Device sneezes theraflu. The power is in your hands. Full of flavor. Texture. Color. Full of. Woo its fresh and filling. This bowl is full of good. So you can be too. Try a new baja or mediterranean warm grain bowl today. Panera food as it should be. Keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause stephen whoo jon whoo stephen whoo so much going on. Jon hey stephen have a seat, everybody thanks very much cheers and applause jon a lot going on, man. Stephen jon, hillary and Chelsea Clinton will be out here in just a moment. Jon oh, yeah stephen lots to talk about. Some days theres just so much to talk about we have to do two monologues, so welcome to monolog number two. I caught you up on Donald Trumps latest impeachment problems, but Congressional Democrats arent the only ones trying to get him out of the oval office. Theres also an election. And ill update you on that in tonights doin it donkey style. The whistleblower or words to that effect. applause stephen we learned something new and disturbing about minnesota senator amy klobuchar, seen here both denying it and supplying it. During a speech in michigan, klobuchar revealed that she once killed a duck while playing golf. Wasnt even an accident. She just wanted to feel something. laughter we make this stuff up. Heres how klobuchar tells it i did one time try to play golf, but i misfired on the first try and the ball hit a duck in the head, and, yeah, it appeared it appeared to perish. laughter stephen tragically, she tried to warn it by yelling duck but it just looked up at her. laughter applause but the biggest news on the democratic side is that Bernie Sanders did an interview with cosmopolitan magazine. I have to say, i love what hes done to his office. laughter the article was called cosmo asks Bernie Sanders the questions young women want answered. Questions like excuse me, sir, are you lost . laughter the interview touched on a range of issues, including some funsies do you have a favorite cocktail . I dont drink much. The correct answer is a cosmo oh, oh, the cosmo stephen oh, bernie knows about the cosmo. We all remember this scene from sex and the city. laughter as sanders i couldnt help but wonder even though mr. Big was gone, maybe the breakup we really needed was j. P. Morgan and chase laughter applause piano riff cosmo also got a little personal with bernie whats your skin care routine . laughter stephen dont do him like that its obviously nothing. laughter look at him. His face matches the wall laughter but bernie had an answer. Do you moisturize . Stephen i put something on. The doctor gave me something on. Stephen as bernie my skincare routine was prescribed by my doctor he came into town on his wagon and ive been using his magical face elixir ever since. If you want some, just ask my doctor hes right over there. cheers and applause band playing audience clapping in time stephen well be right back with hillary and Chelsea Clinton. Join us, wont you . cheers and applause band playing tremfya® helps adults with moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis get clearer. And tremfya® was proven superior to humira® in providing significantly clearer skin. Dont use if youre allergic to tremfya®. Tremfya® may lower your ability to fight infections and may increase your risk of infections. Before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tb. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms hadvato. For infections and tb. Lergic reactions maoccur. Tremfya®. Get clearer. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. Janssen can help you explore with apples mand cinnamon notes. And ignite your mood. True fragrance. Crafted only by glade. S. C. Johnson. No i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat [trumpet plays] [gust of wind] [sounds of items hitting phone] [trumpet plays] [thud] [spray of sprinklers] [trumpet plays] you have power over pain, so the whole world looks different. The unbeatable strength of advil. What pain . Aaddiction. How juuline hooked kids and ignited an Public Health crisis. Other news outlets report juul took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Markets ecigarettes with kid friendly flavors and uses nicotine to addict them. 5 million kids use ecigarettes. Juul is following big tobaccos playbook. And now, juul is pushing prop c to overturn ecigarette protections. Vote no on juul. No on big tobacco. No on prop c. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause hey, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guests are a mother and daughter who have authored 13 books, run for president , and advocated for children around the world. Their new book is called the book of gutsy women. Please welcome back to the late show, secretary Hillary Rodham clinton and Chelsea Clinton stephen thank you so much thank you both for being here. Thank you. Very nice. Eseople who are big fans of the alternate time line were not living in. laughter so nice to have you both back here. Thank you. Stephen and i want to talk about your new book, the book of gutsy women. Right. Right. cheers and applause stephen and were going to do that in just a minute, i promise you. laughter but your fault for coming on ukraine week. laughter we learned about the trumpukraine call, the private server. Is it time to, dare i say, lock him up . laughter piano riff what do you make of it . audience chaptering lock him monster. I apologize. laughter okay. So here we are, and we have started an impeachment inquiry, which well rook at the evidence, and i think thats exactly what should be done. I believe strongly that this particular incident has had such a huge impact because weve known for a long time that he was a corrupt businessman who cheated people, and weve known that he and his campaign asked for aid from russia, weve known that, but to see him in