Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 13, 2024

Passionate i can barely hear myself talk. Oh, now the crowd has burst into song. Lets take a listen. laughter cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Queen Latifah and Radhika Jones, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi there welcome cheers and applause whoo thanks, everybody welcome one and all welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause you know, americans rarely hear good news out of the middle east, but yesterday, we got some the president announced that u. S. Special forces killed isis leader and guy clearly rationing his just for men, abu bakr albaghdadi. laughter albaghdadi was a notorious terrorist responsible for the death of thousands. A true monster. So id like to congratulate all the brave Service Members in our special forces who risked their lives and got the job done. cheers and applause just take your time with that. No rush cheers and applause and heres the thing id also like to congratulate president donald j. Trump, but he just makes it so hard. laughter because when he broke the news yesterday, trumps entire press conference was about himself. Last night, the United States brought the worlds number one terrorist leader to justice. From the first day i came to office and now were getting close to three years i would say, wheres albaghdadi . I want albaghdadi. Theyd come in, sir, we have somebody under i said, i dont want somebody. I want albaghdadi. Thats the one i want. Stephen yeah, trump was obsessed. You might say he had al baghdadi issues. laughter applause then, trump started describing al baghdadis last moments, and things got pretty graphic. He reached the end of the tunnel, as our dogs chased him down. He ignited his vest. His body was mutilated by the blast. To get to his body, they had to remove a lot of debris because the tunnel had collapsed. There wasnt much left. The the vest blew up, but there are still substantial pieces that they brought back. laughter stephen do we really need to know that at 9 00 a. M. On a sunday . The best part of waking up is hearing how the guy blew up piano riff cheers and applause then trump bragged about how important this event was. This was the big one. This is the biggest one, perhaps, that weve ever captured, because this is the one that built isis. This is the biggest there is. This is the worst ever. Osama bin laden was very big, but Osama Bin Laden became big with the World Trade Center. Stephen i remember. Yeah. laughter pretty sure thats why they shot him. laughter you know how i know that killing bin laden was a big deal . Because obama never had to say killing bin laden was a big deal. laughter cheers and applause it was. A big deal. So is this. It was very big. This was very big, dont get me wrong. Killing baghdadi was a big deal. It was bigger than the bin laden announcement in one way length. Trump delivered a 50minute performance, compared to obamas nineminute speech. And, keep in mind, that was obama, so four minutes of it was ahhhh, look. laughter jon got the tone, got the tone stephen barack obama. Barack obama, there you go. cheers and applause barack obama. Then trump described al baghdadis death, using one of his favorite metaphors. He died like a dog. He died like a coward. He died like a dog, he died like a coward. Stephen ah, yes. I remember when i was a child, my dog mr. Fluffles got sick, so we did the humane thing gave him a suicide vest and chased him down a tunnel. laughter cheers and applause jon i remember that part. Stephen im afraid hes exploded a farm upstate. laughter i dont know whats wrong with this guy. It wouldnt be a Trump Press Conference or trump anything without some shameless selfpromotion. You know, if you read my book there was a book just before the World Trade Center came down. And i dont get any credit for this, but thats okay. I never do, but here we are. I wrote a book a, really, very successful book. And in that book, about a year before the World Trade Center was blown up, i said, there is somebody named Osama Bin Laden. You better kill him or take him out. Something to that effect. Hes big trouble. Stephen no, you didnt. laughter you didnt do that at all. You didnt say that at all. Not even close. We looked. We looked. We looked at your 2000 book, the america we deserve, and you make a passing mention of bin laden who, you say, bill clinton had already tried to kill. So you were predicting something that everyone already knew. as trump in my next book, i predict youll be hearing big things from this taylor swift. shes really going places. laughter time to take her out. No one listens, its okay. Shake it off. laughter piano riff cheers and applause jon come on cheers and applause haters gonna hate. Shake it off. Stephen trump did give i. S. I. S. Credit for their internet prowess, sort of they use the internet better than almost anybody in the world, perhaps other than donald trump. laughter stephen yes, true. Donald trumps a master of the internet. And he proved it on saturday when he tweeted simply, and im not making this up, dot, dot, dot, dot. cheers and applause botdot, dot, dot, dot. Now, that might seem stupid, but if you read between the lines, its idiotic. Dot, dot. Dot, dot. Trump also found time to talk about the operation. They did a lot of blasting even not going through the front door. You know, you would think you go through the door. If youre a normal person, you say, knock, knock. May i come in . The fact is that they blasted their way into the house and a very heavy wall, and it took them literally seconds. Stephen good point, if you were a normal person, you would think that special forces hunting the worlds most wanted terrorist would go up to the front door and say, knock, knock, may i come in . laughter applause weve seen it in all the best, in every movie. Jon all the movies. Stephen all the movies, they do this. Jon thats what they do every time. Stephen weve seen it in all the war movies as general alright, men, move out you know the plan. Brooklyn, kowalski, mickey, surround the house and lay down suppression fire power. And then, jackson, you haul ass to that front door, and you say knock, knock. May i come in . laughter if no one answers, leave one of those sticky notes that say we tried to make a delivery of bullets to your body, sorry we missed you, we will be back tomorrow between 10 00 and 4 00 move out lets go piano riff cheers and applause come on piano riff cheers and applause see how trump makes it so hard to congratulate him . He could just come out and say, we got him. Thank you to our brave troops for bringing this man to justice, but the fights not over. Vigilance and leave. Easy peasy, no impeachy cheers and applause he ruins the moment. Instead, he basically says, let me drop trow, to give everybody in late night plenty of flank to spank. laughter sorry about that image. I apologize for the image. Trump also made sure to thank one of americas strongest allies in the region i also want to thank the syrian kurds for certain support they were able to give us. Stephen and remember they did this even after trumps decision to withdraw american troops left the syrian kurds to confront a turkish offensive alone. Thats truly going above and beyond. Its like your ex volunteering to help you move your waterbed, after you cheated on her and forced her to fight the turkish army alone. laughter then trump defended his pullout of troops from syria with one exception were out. But we are leaving soldiers to secure the oil. And we may have to fight for the oil. We should be able to take some also. And what i intend to do, perhaps, is make a deal with an exxon mobil or one of our Great Companies to go in there and do it properly. Stephen shhhshhh youre not supposed to say that out loud. Ixnay on the oodblay for oilmay. Thats why we call these missions things, operation desert storm, or Operation Iraqi freedom, not, operation i drink your milk shake. Money, money, money, kaching laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Queen latifah is here. But when we return, trump strikes out at the world series. Stick around cheers and applause band playing paneras new baja warm grain bowl is full of good. Full of tasty, good for you ingredients. Fresh and filling. So that you too will be full of good. Try our new warm grain bowls today. Order now on ubereats. Can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. The game can be rough on skin. Rehydrate and strengthen your skin. To bounce back. And rebound strong. Dove men care sportcare rehydrates and strengthens skin. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever, so its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird enjoy the go with charmin. Goodreally . sighs have you tried merrick yet . We get it. You got it. Were petsmart. I suff. For so long. Asis. It was kind of a shock after i started cosentyx. I wasnt covered anymore. Im not constantly thinking about it. Im still clear five years now. See me. Cosentyx works fast to give you clear skin that can last. Real people with psoriasis. Look and feel better with cosentyx. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting. Get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability. To fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms,. If your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop. Or worsen. Of if youve had a vaccine, or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I look and feel so much better. See me. Ask your dermatologist if cosentyx could help you move past the pain of psoriasis. The holidays begin here at the disneyland resort. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, welcome back give it up for the band, everybody jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause jon, just moments from now, jon, we have royalty joining us jon thats right. Stephen Queen Latifah is going to be here cheers and applause jon come on stephen i cant believe this at this stage of my vaunted career, i have never met Queen Latifah. This is going to be a big night for me. Have you met her . No, we did a show together. The louis gates show. Now i get to see her in person stephen im looking forward to tomorrow night our friend Jennifer Aniston is going to be here. cheers and applause and i saw our friend, though i have never met her. Seems like we might be friends. Jon yeah, i get the reference. I get it. Stephen yeah, yeah. laughter you know, before john and i were talking, there was a commercial break, and before the commercial break, i was there standing right over there, telling jokes, and i was telling you jokes about how trump announced the raid that killed al baghdadi. The president was feeling so good that, last night, he attended game five of the world series between the Washington Nationals and houston astros. One of those teams will soon have the greatest honor in sports trumps pile of cold filet o fishes. cheers and applause this is rare for him to go out like this. Its been a long time since trump faced anything other than a crowd of handpicked supporters. And i have a feeling its going to be a while until he does it again, because it didnt go that well. The crowd starts off cheering our troops and then trump gets introduced cheers and applause booing stephen the president of the United States got booed while watching the national pastime. cheers and applause that is like getting kicked in the nuts by an apple pie. laughter a Great American moment. A Great American moment. Made me proud. And the crowd add more for trump than just boos. They also had their own twist on one of his favorite chants. Lock him up lock him up audience chanting look him up stephen wow, yes yes yes yes, they agreed with you they want to lock him up put him away for life, or one baseball game, whichever feels longer. laughter but there was one person the crowd was delighted to see throw out the first pitch superstar chef, friend of the show, and baseball santa claus, chef jose andres. Andres was recently nominated for a nobel peace prize, and was honored by the invite, tweeting thank you nationals, m. L. B. , and astros for inviting an immigrant to throw first pitch in a game full of immigrants cheers and applause so the nationals invited an immigrant and vocal trump critic to a game where they knew our antiimmigrant president would be. Thats like going to a concert and hearing announcer ladies and gentlemen, were almost ready to begin our avengers movie marathon. But first, please welcome your host for the evening, Martin Scorsese laughter but jose nailed it. Look how happy he is. He even capped it off with a sweet pair of hot pink sunglasses. Those arent just for style. Right after the game, he threw out the first song at an elton john concert. laughter thats good. cheers and applause joses Organization World central kitchen feeds people in disaster stricken areas, and they just surpassed handing out 1. 5 million meals just in the bahamas, which is still recovering from hurricane dorian. cheers and applause and to that end, remember our book . Whose boat is this boat . cheers and applause comments that dont help in the aftermath of a hurricane. Its made up exclusively of superdumb things donald trump actually said right after a hurricane. Proceeds from the book go toward hurricane relief, and with the help of our friends at simon and schuster, it has raised a ton of money. The latest round of proceeds come to over 76,000. And were giving all of that to joses relief efforts in the bahamas. cheers and applause things are still incredibly hard for people in the abacos. If you want to help too, go to wck. Org and give generously. Or buy the book. Christmas is coming up. Its a great stocking stuffer, provided your stockings are really wide and flat. When we come back, i preview this years new holiday movies. Stick around. cheers and applause band playing heres a good halloween trick. Buy a bunch of reeses. uh huh, there you go turn off all the lights in your house. yeah yeah trick or treat and then just dont answer the door. Not sorry, reeses. [ turn around, look at me there is someone walking behind you turn around look at me there is someone look at me mmm. chef ahhem. Hvr seasoning. Table 7. The holidays are here. Welc audience cheering ight. I love your material. So warm and cozy. And festive. What material are you talking about . And were out of time go mad for plaid with up to fifty percent off storewide. Thats up to fifty percent off. At old navy. Fishrisotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Cheesecake. Cheesecake Factory grilled steak. Clam bake. Milkshake. Brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. Curry. Fried turkey. Mcflurry. mcdonalds cacciatori. Chimichurri. Adlib inhale spiral ham. Blackberry jam. Rack of lamb. Candied yams. Pokes. Smokeys. Gnocchis. And them banging raviolis. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. We are literally going to hogwarts right now. This is unexpected. Ahhhh whoaaa [ exasperated sigh ] this is incredible. We just got off hagrid, and it is by far the best ride. This is universal. [visceral laugh and scream] home of tripadvisors number one park in the world so come join us. Get our third park free and enjoy all three parks from 53 a day. smoke alarm annoepidemic fueled by juul use with their kidfriendly flavors. San francisco voters stopped the sale of flavored ecigarettes. But then juul, backed by big tobacco, wrote prop c to weaken ecigarette protections. The San Francisco chronicle reports prop c is an audacious overreach, threatening to overturn the ban on flavored products approved by voters. Prop c means more kids vaping. Thats a dangerous idea. Vote no on juul. No on big tobacco. No on prop c. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back, folks its three days til halloween, and you know what that means its time to start celebrating christmas laughter at least it is over at the Hallmark Channel because, this past weekend, they already kicked off their countdown to christmas. Its a nonstop marathon of hallmark Christmas Movies like marry me at christmas, finding santa, the christmas cottage, and christmas at holly lodge, which was originally titled, look we photoshopped in a black woman laughter and this year, hallmark is cranking out no less than 40 new Christmas Movies. But they have a challenger, because this weekend, the Lifetime Network began airing 30 of their own original holiday movies in order to go toetotoe with hallmark. Thats right, its a fullblown christmas war. Which, tragically, is not the title of any of their 70 new movies. laughter Christmas Movies. Christmas. There you go. Well get it out. applause clearly, theres a huge market for new Christmas Movies and im not going to let these networks hog all the nog. So, this year, the late show is also producing its own suretobe christmas classics. Take a look. This holiday season, get ready to fall in love oh, gosh im so sorry. Im in a rush. I have to get these candy canes to the afternoonage before christmas. Because miracles happen when you least expect them. Shes not like other girls. She loves christmas. And you cant spell love without christmas. You made it. Candy canes for everyone. Also, were adopting all of you. Merry christmas a candy cane family. But the late show is not stopping there. Get ready for a gingerbread wedding. I to. laughter mittens for a prince. San ata goes hawaiian. A hula dancer, on surf board, on you get the idea. And, of course honey, whats that smell . The christmas gas leak. Those other networks think they have a lot of Chri

© 2025 Vimarsana