The Pumpkin Patch . The great jar of light mayo. Look at me, mother, im president of the Pumpkin Patch. Aaahhh good grief announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert , tonight a house decided. Plus stephen welcomes speaker naps napnancy pelosi, featuringn batiste and stay human. Live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hey there cheers and applause whoo jon get it all the way stephen welcome one and all. Happy halloween to everybody welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Now cheers and applause this is momentous. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen today is momentous, jon. Not every day can we say that we as a people have witnessed history. But today is truly an historic day in washington, because the nationals won the world series. cheers and applause thats right. Despite the game being on the road, National Fans gathered in their home ballpark to celebrate, including this guy this is huge for d. C. D. C. Needed this. We got some bleep in the bleep white house. Oh, oh, ohhh, no, no, no. Stephen as reporter oh, oh, ohhh, no, no, no. cheers and applause good for you yeah jon oh, my goodness stephen what did this reporter think was going to happen . Shes interviewing drunk fans. Did she expect a cogent response . as drunk guy while im happy, this victory is somewhat tarnished by the cloud of impeachment hanging over this great nation. If we accept the lowering of constitutional standards, america will cease to be a shining beacon of liberty. Now, if youll excuse me, i have to go puke into a storm drain go nats go vomits Whoo Whoo Whoo whoo cheers and applause go nats vomits jon he let it all out. He couldnt hold it. Stephen whoo laughter of course, that fellow may not in the lovemaking white house much longer because today, the house voted to formalize the impeachment inquiry. cheers and applause yeah. It raineth every day. cheers and applause were one step closer to getting trump out of the white house and sending him home to new york cit oh. audience reacts quick quick someone lock the lincoln tunnel and turn out the lights laugh everybody on the floor were not home laughter the resolution was led by House Speaker nancy pelosi, who is my guest tonight. cheers and applause piano riff should have tonights show sent to the smithsonian, National Treasures right between abe lincolns hat and Ben Franklins codpiece. The vote took place on halloween, which is why were calling tonights episode nancy peghostys Haunted House screampeachment sinquiry into the president s quid pro crow with bookraine witch hunt stephen Whoo Whoo Whoo whoo whoo the resolution passed by a vote of 232 to 196 with zero republican votes. booing now, are they just complaining about process, or are they really so lacking any honor that they are willing to publicly state that blackmailing a Foreign Government to interfere in our election is okay . Will you all go on record to say that the president did nothing inappropriate . Yes, yes. Very clear, yes. Stephen follow up the titanic just hit an iceberg. The captain is saying, it was a perfect iceberg, now we can all make slurpees for everyone, and hes asking you to handcuff yourself to the portside rail and swallow the keys. Are you all willing to do that . Yes, yes. Very clear, yes. Stephen good to know. While debating the resolution, both sides used visual aids, so you can tell whose side they were on. Congressman Steve Scalises poster was there to underline his central message. This is unprecedented. Its not only unprecedented, this is sovietstyle rules. Stephen ah, yes, the classic sovietstyle rules for impeaching their leader. Remember, stalin was in power only 30 years when he was impeached by dying. Jon thats right. Stephen the vote today also did not sit well with republican congressman and man who learned to smile from a series of still pictures, devon nunes. Nunes thinks he knows whats fueling adam schiff and the democrats. What were seeing among democrats on the Intelligence Committee down in the scif right now is like a cult. These are a group of people loyally following their leader as he bounces from one outlandish Conspiracy Theory to another. Stephen really . Wow. That is the pot saying the kettle was born in kenya. laughter piano riff the resolution lays out the rules for the inquiry moving forward, the big one being that it now allows for the participation of the president and his counsel. Please be rudy, please be rudy. Please be rudy, please be rudy. cheers and applause or the president. Hes allowed to be there for the. Hearings. Can you imagine President Trump being in the room . as trump objection i am not that boys father laughter im sorry, what am i accused of today . co im sorry. Im sorry, eric. laughter after the vote was over, the National RepublicanCongressional Committee thought; wacky political prank, so they sent some democrats moving boxes. You know, because youre going to have to move out of your offices because of this vote. But because the boxes looked like suspicious packages, Capitol Police were called to investigate. Guys, pranks should be original and clever. Youve got to think outside the box. You just thought box. laughter now, all these g. O. P. Congress men have a small problem other than being on the terror watch list now. Its whats the word evidence. We keep getting more of it. Today, we learned that right after trump hung up his perfect phone call, one person listening in, Lieutenant Colonel alexander vindman, filed a complaint with a white house lawyer. That lawyer saw the threat, sprung into action, and hid the transcript on a classified server. And its a coverup lets tell him what hes won. An allyoucantelevise impeachment hearing a trial in the worldfamous Capital Building and, a free helicopter ride out of washington, on marine one. Marine one ride away in shame in style cheers and applause now, thank you. Thank you. That second time is always a good one. piano riff this secret server the transcript got stuffed in is known as nice, which stands for n. S. C. Intelligence collaboration environment. You cant make the first letter of an acronym represent another acronym. laughter thats what i call favs. Which stands for fubar, and, very, stupid. laughter applause piano riff acronym. Ive got to do acronym later. I gotcha. I gotcha. Getting impeached is stressful, so, on tuesday, trump blew off a little steam at a private fundraiser, where House Republicans who raked in the most money got a little extra reward a roast from president donald trump. May not sound that fun, but it brought in way more cash than stephen millers kissing booth. laughter unhinge his jaw, swallow your whole head. laughter in particular, trump singled out representative steve scalise, who as you might recall, was shot at a congressional softball game a couple of years back. So, ripe for roasting. Trump told a story about scalises wife, who he said, cried her eyes out when i met her at the hospital that fateful day. I mean, not many wives would react that way to tragedy. I know mine wouldnt. laughter applause as trump the joke is my wife hates my guts. Were in a totally loveless marriage. Shed leave me but shes afraid id deport her. Women, am i right . Take my wife, please. Oh wait, shes not here. laughter jon wow. Stephen even even even even trumps true love has turned on him. Im talking, of course, about twitter. laughter yesterday, twitters c. E. O. Jack dorsey announced that the site would ban all political ads cheers and applause piano riff stephen explaining they presented challenges to civic discourse. To which twitter responded, our civic discourse is fine, you cuck. laughter piano riff twitters announcement was really a jab at one man facebook founder and the mayor of the silicon uncanny valley, mark zuckerberg. Lately, zuck has been on the defensive because facebook will still allow politicians to run any claims, even false ones. audience reacts yeah. Jon wow. Stephen which explains Amy Klobuchars new add, vote for me, i can fly weve got a great show for you tonight. Speaker nancy pelosi is my guest. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. cheers and applause band playing fish roe. Risotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Cheesecake. Cheesecake Factory grilled steak. Clam bake. Milkshake. Brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. Curry. Fried turkey. Mcflurry. mcdonalds cacciatori. Chimichurri. Adlib inhale spiral ham. Blackberry jam. Rack of lamb. Candied yams. Pokes. Smokeys. Gnocchis. And them banging raviolis. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. Halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes thank you. Tomorat kohls. Shop black friday deals unlocked plus take an extra 20 off . Save on family jammies. Toys 20 and under. Kitchen electrics. And 7. 19 throws plus get 15 kohls cash for every 50 spent tomorrow only . 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Stephen you know who i have coming up in a minute, naps is going to be right here. cheers and applause heres the thing, this is what we call in the business an exclusive. Today was the vote to formalize the impeachment, open up the hearings. Shes been nowhere, done nothing, this is it, straight from there right to the seat. cheers and applause the questions are right here. Do you know what i smell . Jon whats that . Stephen history. Folks, i spend a lot of time over there with my pants rolled up, stomping the biggest news grapes into the velvety Cabernet Sauvignon that is my monologue. But sometimes, i like to tromp down to the basement, mix some grain alcohol with water and juniper berries, stir it all together with an old broom handle, let her sit for like three days, then serve you the bathtub gin of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause stephen its good for what ails you. It will cure you. Meanwhile, mcdonalds portugal has pulled an ad which uses the words sundae bloody sundae to promote a halloween dessert. Bloody sunday, of course, refers to a day in the 1970s on which british soldiers killed 14 unarmed irish protestors during the troubles. You scream, i scream, we all scream. laughter almost as bad as when ruby tuesdays had to apologize for their happy hour trail of beers audience reacts and for dessert, tiananmen lemon Squares Audience reacts see, people, the person youre supposed to be doing that to is mcdonalds because they started this thing. Im just doing jokes off something they did and i meanwhile laughter hundreds of new emojis have just been released by the governing body of emojis the unicode consortium. Sorry, i said that incorrectly. Its actually pronounced. deep voice effect the unicode consortium. There is only one code. The unicode. And you will adhere to the code. Have fun. laughter the new emojis are focused on diversity, and for the first time ever, theyve added gender neutral emojis. Which will make it way easier to text someone phrases like my grandpa is deeply confused by the new gender neutral emojis. laughter this is great, but i just want to go on record to say, all emojis are gender neutral. They dont show any of the bits and pieces. Except this one. laughter meanwhile, in a major shakeup for college sports, for the first time ever, the n. C. A. A. Will permit athletes to be compensated for their names, images and likenesses. cheers and applause yeah. Hell, yes jon about time. Stephen which is great news for everyone except dukes starting point guard, anonymous q. Pixelface. laughter meanwhile, in maritime news, a woman who stood on a ships railing for a selfie was barred for life from a cruise line. Do you know how out of control you have to be to get banned from a cruise . laughter thats a vacation for people who are already on the nofly list. laughter and everyone ought to know better by now anyway. This isnt the first time a cruise passenger has gotten dangerously close to the rails. Jim . Excuse me please step back from the railing. Im flying guys . Im serious. Okay, thats it this will be your last trip on the titanic. Youre going to be really sorry laughter stephen meanwhile it was a long time ago jon it was. Stephen meanwhile, americas pile of uneaten bacon is the biggest in 48 years. How could this happen . Americas favorite food is pile. laughter tell you what. Just fry it all up. Somebody will eat it. Well be right back with nancy pelosi. cheers and applause band playing not even our competitors best battery can match the power of energizer. Because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. 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The San Francisco chronicle reports prop c is an audacious overreach, threatening to overturn the ban on flavored products approved by voters. Prop c means more kids vaping. Thats a dangerous idea. Vote no on juul. No on big tobacco. No on prop c. cheers and applause band playing stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome back great night, jon very good night. Jon really big night, really big night cheers and applause im proud to say that my first guest is a congresswoman from california and the first woman elected speaker of the house. Her latest project is impeaching the president of the United States. Please welcome Speaker Nancy Pelosi cheers and applause band playing stephen madam speaker, thank you for being here today. I know youve had a busy one. laughter this is truly an historic day. Thank you for making time to be on our silly show. cheers and applause it is a busy day. Stephen it is. But i wanted to thank you for your patriotism, i really am because cheers and applause stephen oh, thank you very much. This is a sad thing for our country. We do this prayerfully with great seriousness. Nobody goes to congress to impeach a president , and youve had your fun with the policy and the personality and the rest stephen sure. And thats about the election. The patriotism, the constitution is really what impeachment is about. So i welcome the opportunity to take us to, again, where you have been, bs but in, shall we say, a little different vein. Stephen yes, a slightly different vein. applause so the house voted today. Are we done . Is the president impeached . No. No, but thank you for asking. What happened today was a continuation of our inquiry that we have but to set forth the rules of procedure for how we go forward now, spelling out the president s rights, due process for him, how the majority and the minority will have equal time to question witnesses and the rest. Its about fairness because, as i said, this is about the constitution and how we go forward with this and no decision has been made to impeach, thats what the inquiry is about, but how we go forward is a test for us to do so worthy of the constitution, worthy of our founders sacrifice when they established this constitution. applause cheering stephen as you said as you said, and you have said before, this is this is a sad occasion, in a way, because you dont want to have to take these steps. The reason why people do get happy sometimes is because people want to know that actions have consequences cheers and applause and there have been so few consequences for this president , when hes admitting on the white house lawn the crimes that he has been willing to do in order to help himself. Well i think whats most important, the most important thing for t